"You have dark circles," Arian informed me as I yawned. He had taken the seat in front of front of me in our first period 'so I could help him with his homework' he said, but I knew otherwise. It always seemed to me that he had a habit of pointing out things that made me different from a month ago.
"Do I?" I asked, but I wasn't really curious to know his opinion. I was aware of how I looked already, and I didn't really feel like being reminded.
"Yeah, and your eyes are red too," he continued.
"Are they?" I answered, and this time he figured out that I didn't want to be bothered. There was a guilty feeling that came with dodging his concerns, but even though I had nothing to do with Nix anymore, I still couldn't tell anyone. "When is this assignment due again?" I asked to change the subject.
"Monday," he muttered, and I could tell he was upset. Sighing, I leaned back in my seat, trying to stretch out all the sleepiness that I felt. It helped some, and I began working on my school work at a faster pace. "I don't understand why you want to do extra credit though," Arian said. "You already have an A in this class."
I shrugged. "I can always improve my grade," I explained, "and it gives me something to do."
"Why not come over to my house if you're so bored then," he joked half way, and I laughed it off. That was easier than saying no. I needed something that I could bury myself into, not something that would only distract me for an hour or two.
The bell rang and took my time getting to my next class. Everything work liked that now, and I counted each section of my day in my head as I went. I wake up, go to school, go home, go to bed, and repeat. There was each meal, each class, and each assignment that I needed to focus on. My time worked like clockwork and my thoughts skated across the thin ice of things I needed. Homework helped the most- time seemed to slip away faster when I was doing that.
In my class, I took careful notes tried to grasp everything the teacher was telling me. The only flaw in this was that the homework was easier when I was fully paying attention, and suddenly I would have more free time than I meant to. I tried to fill that time with other things around the house, but my mom was quickly getting irritated with my sudden interested of cleaning and doing chores. She never asked me if something was wrong, but I got the feeling that everyone knew.
In lunch I made sure to face the doors. Nix was never around when I was, but I always made sure just in case. There was one time that I accidently came out of hiding from the bathrooms too early and I crossed paths with him on my way to the car. The instant I saw him my body suddenly felt like led and it took every part of me to keep from collapsing on the pavement right then and crying. I told myself that I was just trying to be strong, but in reality, I was just trying keep myself together.
I wasn't the only effect by this though. Without even knowing what had happen, Arian and the others seemed to feel it to, so much that Emily made the excuse to sit somewhere else at lunch. The guilt weighed on me more, but Arian refused to let me apologize.
My mom, on the other hand, felt it the most. I couldn't bear to have her, or anyone else, touch me, and I could tell it was making her depressed. She didn't sing while she cooked anymore, and she avoided me whenever she could. It was impossible for me to remember if she was like this before, but I had the feeling that the second time was worse on her.
For me it was different as well. Touching didn't make me feel like I was going to throw up, but instead made me feel like crying. I didn't sleep because I was just afraid, I didn't sleep in fear of dreaming. Everything seemed different to me and I didn't know how to deal with any of it. Instead, I thought it was better not to deal with it at all.
Our lunch period became awkward and silent, and I knew it was because of me. My depression was strong enough for everyone me to feel it. It made me feel guilty that I was doing this to them, but I couldn't make myself walk away. I knew that it was hard on them, but I needed them, and I was too selfish to let them go.
"He actually showed up today," Arian said quietly after a moment. At first, I didn't understand what he meant until I dared to look up. In the table where they used to sit, Nix and his group of friends were suddenly there. It was odd even though it was their usual table and no one had sat there since they left. But it had been a whole month since they even showed up for this half of the school day, and I could feel everyone staring at them.
I could feel my chest crush together and my throat swell up as I watched them. It shouldn't have been a surprise though to see him laughing. Why should he be torn up if didn't lose anything, but instead broke free? It wasn't ironic that he was fine and I wasn't. I'm just pathetic.
It was warm, almost too warm, and I couldn't see anything. The hot air was smothering me as I tried to get out, but something was on top of me. However, whenever I pulled, it moved, I just needed to pull enough to get out. But to get out of where? I didn't know what was happening and I started to panic.
Then, with one last pull, I was free, and cool air mixed with a bright light overwhelms me. When my body adjusts, I find myself in bed, and I suddenly all comes back to me.
He laughs beside me. "Sorry," he says. "I must have pulled the covers over your head while I was asleep."
"Did I wake you?" I yawn. Now that the panic is gone, all I feel is my sleepiness.
He smiles at me shifts so his body is closer. I realize then that the warmness from before was him, and this time I don't mind it. "Yeah, thank you."
"Thank you?" I repeat, confused. "Don't you want to sleep?"
"Why would I want to sleep if you were next to me?"
My alarm goes off and I jolt awake, finding myself in my bed again. On instinct, I quickly looked beside me only to be disappointed. I was alone, like I was every morning and every day from that moment forward. The heaviness returned, but it wasn't just my covers this time, and it took me almost fifteen minutes to realize I was sobbing.
When I forced myself to get ready, I knew something was off. I felt as though I was walking underwater and in slow motion. Everything was heavy and painfully slow. Without meaning to, I ended up getting ready long before I had to leave, and I was forced to wait downstairs and watch the clock tic time away.
"I can make you breakfast," my mom said to me when she came in a little later.
I didn't move to look at her, but instead kept my eyes on the clock. "Not hungry," I responded, and my mother let out a frustrated sigh. She didn't say anything else though; she was tired too.
As I waited for her to get ready I began to wonder why I fell asleep. Like every other night, I had taken the proper precautions to keep myself awake. There were countless bruises on my arms where I had pinched myself and I always stayed sitting up so that I could catch myself if I started to nod off. However, I still ended up dreaming. Thinking about it made me feel like crying again, but my body was too numb to allow it.
My mom came in again a few minutes later, asking if I would like to go earlier. I shrugged and got up. It didn't really matter what time I got there, there was nothing else for me to do anyways, and getting there early meant that I could beat the crowd. When she pulled up to the school though, I instantly felt nervous. There was no reason for it, but I had to force myself out of the car anyways.
Inside was much more crowded than I thought it would be. The lack of room was almost intolerable and I hugged myself to the wall to get away from everyone else, but they felt too close. After a moment, it was hard for me to keep walking without worrying that someone would touch me. I stopped along the wall and closed my eyes, trying to focus, but it only made it worse.
"Kace!" I heard someone yell, and soon Arian was beside me. "Are you okay? You look like you're about to be sick."
I shook my head and tried to gestor him to move away from me. "No, it's just… crowded."
Arian gave me an odd look as he took a few steps back, giving me my space. "Crowded?" he asked, obviously confused. "Kace, there's barely anyone here. You don't look so well."
I didn't know what he meant by that. The hallway had too many in it, but maybe it only seemed that way to me? "I'm fine, just-" I started to say, but a dizzy spell took over and fell to the floor.
Instantly, Arian started to move towards me and I started to panic. "No!" I tried to say forcibly, but my voice came out broken. "Just everyone stay away."
But just as I said that, an overwhelming feeling that someone was coming closer washed over me. I knew I was hyperventilating then, but I could focus well enough to even attempt to calm down. Everything was just so blurry and confusing. I just wanted to leave.
Then, suddenly I was aware that I was sitting up, that someone had moved me, touched me. But there was also a voice, and I was too focused on trying to hear them that I didn't care. I just want- needed to know what they were saying and who was saying it.
I blinked a few times and my vision returned and my dizziness died down. "-have to breathe, Kace," the voice said. It sounded familiar but their face wasn't in view. "There you go; slowly." My breathing even out then, and even though I still felt panicked, it was better. For once it was better.
But then, I looked up and saw Nix.