"You seeing anyone lately Haruto?" I asked, wanting to steer the conversation away from sex.
"Nope. Not yet" he answered.
Toshiro chuckled. "Haruto is a nun. Saving himself for the lord or should I say, Virgin Mary"
Haruto chucked a pillow at Toshiro who ducked since he saw it coming. We burst out laughing. It's kinda true though. I've never heard Haruto mention any girl to me. Now that I think of it, he rarely talks about sex.
"Where's the party gonna hold again?" I asked.
"That hilltop on the outskirts of the city. If we wanna make it on time, we should leave now" Haruto answered. "We still have to pick up the girls"
"Just give me a few seconds. I need to get my hair right" Toshiro said.
I groaned. I'm gonna be stuck in the car with Sara and her strong perfume again. She's always all over me. So needy.
I'd rather latch onto Ryu's bicep. He's so strong. Oh god, I miss him. I want him. I feel miserable. It hurts when you have someone in your heart but can't have them in your arms.
Maybe I should try talking to him tonight. I'm tired of fighting. Being angry all the time is exhausting.
I'm most especially tired of watching him from afar. Talking and laughing with his friends as if I didn't exist. As if nothing happened between us.
It hurts to see that the person you like isn't even affected by your absence. It hurts to see him smile at anyone other than me. It hurts to watch him pass me without a single glance. As if I meant nothing.
Maybe I do mean nothing.
********
The hill wasn't really hard to climb. The top was kinda flat and many people were there dancing, drinking, kissing, holding hands, hugging, star gazing, and all that lovey-dovey shit. The shit I wanted to do with Ryu. But I can't. I can't tell the world that I like a guy. I'll be hated, bullied, and ridiculed for life. I'll lose everything and everyone. The thought of it alone was scary.
Haku and his friends had littered the entire hill with lights. It was a small hill but it still didn't seem easy. They must have been preparing for a long time. My friends and I were an hour late because of Toshiro. He made us take a 'shortcut' which ended up leading us completely off the way. It was stressful but kinda funny at the same time.
Our small group dispersed the second we arrived. Toshiro went to find Momo, Sakura went to drink, as usual, Yua went to play games, saying she can't stay anywhere near Sara. Haruto was called over by his basketball buddies, Sara went to say hi to her friends and I was left all alone.
I got myself a bottle of beer then went to the dance. Even if my mind was a mess, I wanted to enjoy myself.
Well, that idea went down the drain the minute I saw Ryu with another girl and they were dancing so close to each other. His hands on her waist, her hands around his neck.
It made my blood boil. I remembered when he said he was neither gay nor straight. Does that mean he likes both girls and guys? Fuck. I have both sexes as competition. That's if he even counts me in. Looks like he has completely forgotten me. The feelings are one-sided. Maybe he was toying with me from the start.
He leaned in and whispered something to the girl which made her blush. I recalled when he did that to me too. Ugh shit! Why do I keep stressing over a guy who doesn't want me? Why can't I just get him out of my mind?
"Hey, Aito-kun! Wanna dance?" a pretty girl I didn't know said to me, pushing her boobs against my chest.
She was dressed in a tight skirt that was barely reaching her mid-thighs and a crop top. Her make-up was dark but she honestly looked good. Of course, I agreed to dance.
My jealousy overpowered my ability to think rationally. We started to dance and I led us to Ryu and that girl. I wanted him to notice me. I wanted him to think I was having a good time and I wasn't thinking of him at all. I positioned us in such a way that we'll be impossible to miss.
We continued to dance and I had to admit that the girl had some really sexy moves. If it were the old me, I would have been turned on by now.
Suddenly she turned and cupped my cheeks then pecked me on the lips. I glanced in Ryu's direction and found that he was watching. She wrapped her hands around my neck and pushed her body against mine.
"Ever thought of doing it outside? Imagine how exhilarating it would be".
She snaked her hand in between our bodies and cupped my groin, slowly rubbing it. "You, pinning me against a tree, having your way with me. Just the thought of it makes me excited"
Now, this was a bad idea. What if we go and I really can't get it up again? "Not now," I said to her, gently pushing her hand away.
She didn't budge. "Come on baby. It'll be fun". Her hands went under my shirt and I suddenly remembered the night Ryu tweaked and played with my nipples.
The way he sucked, pinch, and pulled until they went hard. I shivered, feeling my dick slowly come to life.
She of course noticed and smiled. "I knew you'd love the idea. Let's go now". She started to pull me away. I made eye contact with Ryu. He looked hurt. I was about to smirk when he just pulled that girl closer and smacked their lips together.
It hurt. It fucking hurt. I really do mean nothing to him. He was just toying with me. He kissed her right in front of me. What the hell! I followed whatever her name is like a zombie while mulling over the fact that nothing was real to him since the beginning. It must have been all a game. All those sweet words he whispered to me were lies. Everything was a lie. He won't just go and kiss someone else if he likes me right?
But, wasn't I doing the same thing? I like him but I'm with Jennie. I like him but I'm trying to make him jealous by flirting with another girl. What the fuck is wrong with me? Now that I thought of it, aren't I the one who caused everything? Aren't I the one who messed up? I'm the one who kissed Jennie in front of him first!
Oh, shit shit shit shit shit!
I caused everything! I let my jealousy and anger take over my reasoning. I barged into his house and insulted him, insulted
Dai. I'm the one who ruined what we had. I'm the one who should apologize not Ryu.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!
And now, I wanted to cheat on Sara with another girl. Just how fucked up and I? I used her to make Ryu jealous. I'm the one toying with people's feelings! Shit.
I yanked my arm away from her and dashed up the hilltop, carefully avoiding hitting people so they wouldn't lose balance and fall. I have to fix things. I have to break up with Sara.