I am so stupid, I don't know how many times today I've called myself that day. "Thank you." I said walking out of a mobile banking shop heading to go get a bus from the bus station to take me home. I sent the money to Dylan. That's why I called myself stupid. I waited for his call all the way to home but nothing. He didn't even call to inform me he got the money and he's thankful. I decide to call instead and ask just to be sure the money didn't go to someone else apart from him. "Hey sweetheart you are a life saver babe, I love you so much this will push me for a few days as I wait for my parents to send me money. I don't know what I would have done without you my love." Immediately he picked up the phone those were his words. "It's okay I love you too. I just..." I went silent. I wanted to tell him I'm doubting him but after all those statements I was just left speechless. "Are you okay?" I asked. I felt him take a deep breath, "I'm fine Daisy what about you... is there something you want to tell me atleast." He asked and I think this is the opportunity. "Do you really love me Dylan, I call you every single day and you are busy. I'm all lonely here thinking if you love or...." I went silent again. I didn't want him to think I don't trust him and ofcourse I don't. "Am I cheating on you?" He finished the statement and I just remained silent. "Look Daisy, I love you no one makes me as happy as you do. I trust you but it seems you don't trust me. You keep being insecure and over thinking about stuff. I go to class all day unlike you I do 11 units. Yours are just four after that I go play hockey. You know how much I love hockey" He explains and I feel like I've offended him. I shouldn't have. I should trust him that's the basis of a good relationship. I shouldn't be insecure.
"I'm sorry, I'm just..."
"IDLE!!!" He says before I get the word out which is 'lonely'. "What do you mean." I ask and I hear his movement shifting as if he was sleeping with one side and now he's shifting. "Maybe you should start doing something important with your life." He said rudely. I feel offended and I burst out. "Are you insulting me?"
"No I'm just saying what it is. How many times have we had this discussion about me being busy making our lives better and you being too idle to always want to talk to me."
"We are in a long distance relationship for crying out loud. I must feel insecure especially when my boyfriend is busy all day and all night." I said out loud. I was angry, tears started flowing and I thank God I'm alone at home. "Oooh really!! So I should also feel insecure with all those boys you study with there."
"I give you time, but I feel you don't....I don't feel your sacrifice for this relationship I'm working on my own, Dylan. Atleast try to show me you love me."
"I'm in no mood to talk about this now. Call me when you have a reasonable thing to tell me." The next thing I heard was a beep. He has hanged up on me again. I turned my face to the pillow and screamed. I'm just frustrated and I knew the basis of my frustrations. It was him all him. I cry out loud like a baby, punching the pillow and my bed. I threw bunny, my bear, to the wall. I wanted to break things, my heart was already broken.
Later that night I ate dinner saying no word. I watched my mom and dad eye me. I knew my eyes were swollen and to make it worse we were watching a romantic movie and my eyes were just wet with tears. Dylan's words kept ringing in my brain. I just had to make it right with him, I didn't want to loose him, not now, not ever, not after all the plans we had made.
Memories of us walking our normal road talking about how he would build a house for me considering how much I was inlove with massionates I couldnt stop thinking how life would have been sweet with him. He kept telling me to give him 5 kids and I used to laugh to that. Five!!! Really.
"We need to talk." My mum says bringing me back to reality. "Me?" I ask surprised and she nods. "When?" I ask confused. "Saturday morning, a private talk." She says and I immediately know what kind of talk we are going to have.
I go to bed and take my phone, I have to do something. I first change Dylan's name to Hubby then take a screenshot and send it to him via WhatsApp. I then form a long apology message and send it to him hoping he'll see. I see he's online and wait a little longer before I sleep to see if he'll reply.