7 YEARS LATER
Staring at the blank ceiling in my apartment I am once again consumed by the feeling of nothing. Someone could look at me and never figure that occasionally I'm numb to the feeling of pure joy or sudden sadness. The feeling just washes over me like that of a wave in the ocean taking my ability to experience an emotional turmoil, and no matter how many times it manages to consume me I can never grow accustomed to the feeling, no I fear it when it comes.... because with the void feeling in my heart, my mind welcomes the darkness in the deepest pits of my brain and nothing is more painful than the demons whispering in my head telling me to end it. End it all. Stop the suffering that was subjected to me all those years ago. Sitting up in my bed I turn to the right staring at the object sitting on my nightstand. Looking at what has become my anchor in order to feel something other than the void residing in my head and heart. It sits there peacefully, unbothered by the useless user sitting to its left. Mocking me... knowing that it is the only solution to the the problem I've had to face almost everyday of the year. With tears trailing down my sun kissed cheeks, I grab the blade and angle it over an old scar I inflicted on myself sometime ago and create a new mark to my ever growing collection of self inflicted wounds. As the blood trails down my inner thigh I realized that I have yet again managed to be consumed by my demons and have done exactly what I've managed to not do for a month.
The pain of nothingness is worse than the pain of a self inflicted scar.
That is what I tell myself. That is how I justify my own stupidity. Deciding that I've done enough self harm both mentally and physically, I force myself out bed to get ready for another day at work. Thinking of my work place actually manages to bring a small smile to my lips. The beautiful distraction of my everyday customers, no matter the kind brings some what relief in my lonely soul. The snarky comments of the rich snobs, or sweet comments from the elderly, maybe even more gossip from the teenagers or college students brightens my day. To some people work is the worst torture that may have been introduced to mankind, but for me as insane as it might sound, work is like a remedy for me. The business in which I get to occupy my mind for a whole day enjoying the company of even the worst of people makes me feel something. I'm not afraid, I don't fear them as much as I fear myself when I'm alone. I know I should probably go see someone and talk about the shit that has brought me near death countless times, but you see I can't. I can't do it because they are watching me. Every move I make, every person I encounter, heck they probably even time my bathroom breaks!
The point is they have made sure that I suffer alone and that if anyone were to find out what they had done to me, there was a price for me to pay and I'm not willing to pay that price again. Getting into the shower, I appreciate the water cascading down on my tense muscles, cleaning away all the dirty thoughts I had had about myself. Getting out feeling refreshed and ready to start the day, I make my way over the large brown vintage dresser that hold my underwear and pick a pair of lace panties and a matching bra. Walking over to my closet situated to the far left in my average in size room, I pick a beautiful blush pink sundress, to give off the I'm 'sweet-young-and-happy' look. You would be surprised how easy it is to fool many people with an innocent smile, pretty dress and the social skills of someone who was born to be around people. Fortunately I've mastered the art of sweet deception and faked my way until the smile on my face actually became genuine and allowing me to forget that I've not only been broken by the boy I loved, but was utterly destroyed by what I was suppose to call family.
Having enough of the continuous dark thoughts, I throw on some matching pumps and grab my handbag and car keys and make my way to my car. The drive to the beautiful cafe I own just a few blocks down from where I live is a sort of therapy to my pained heart. It's in the perfect part of town where the secretaries of many businessmen and women come in for there coffee on their way to work. Couples old and young sit for some morning tea and the youngsters that just need a break, make themselves comfortable with a milkshake and my infamous cinnamon buns. Walking into my little shop I'm welcomed with the strong stench of morning coffee and cinnamon, just a scent that makes it feel more homely. The shop has that vintage theme going on with the colors brown, cream and white decorating the walls. Beautiful wooden brown table with steel white chairs with cushions to provide the people with comfortability. To the far right corner sits a floor to ceiling bookshelf with different novels to provide my customers with a sort of escape from a grueling reality. To the left you get the counter where you have to order your preferable poison and behind you get Rose the barista or waitress, giving a friendly smile to every customer making sure she meets their expectations. Rose is quite beautiful on first glance with her dirty blonde hair, and big blue doe eyes, with the innocence that could put a child to shame, I wouldn't be fooled though because if someone manages to piss off Rose... she'll end up cursing you to your grave, and don't get me started on her unfiltered mouth. She's more involved in trying to get me to get laid that I worry about the poor dear who might decide his in love with this girl. I wouldn't blame him though, with the height of 5'5 and a smile such as hers she could have any man begging if she wanted him to. She's an amazing friend though, and I'm glad that I don't have to do all the work myself.
"Good morning Rose. How are you?" I look her way mastering the fake smile I've put on for years. "Morning Alexa. I'm good thank you and yourself?" Rose greets me with her usual cheerful persona. I envy her easy smile sometimes wishing that mine could be as remotely as close to genuine as hers. NO! I should stop these thoughts I'm determined to put my life in order and with time I will. Things so far are already looking up for me and I literally never ask for anything better than the little business that was given to me by a sweet old man named Mr. Walace. When I first got a job here Mr. Walace had been so understanding and without realizing just how much he helped me I decided to help with a little promotion on the cafe, gained alot more customers and even pitched in some ideas here and there. In time the little shop became a big hit and I had never seen a greater smile than I had on Mr. Walace's face. As soon as we I hit the two year mark of working here Mr. Walace decided to retire and had given his business over to me and it had been my joy since. I couldn't be more greatful to that old man for giving me some light in my time of darkness and I'll forever do him proud with this business.
At the sound of the bell ringing I'm snapped out of my thoughts and ready to serve our first customer for the day. A genuine smile spreads over my face when I see Mrs. Fetcher a regular here and she has her usual frown and gleam of mischief in her eyes. "What does an old women have to do to get a cup of tea around here?" She all but shouts, her voice echoing off the walls of the empty shop. "Mrs. Fetcher I see you're as cheerful as always." I remark while getting to work on her cup off tea. Strong with two sugars and warm milk. Sliding the cup towards her, she takes it blessing me with a rare smile. "Thank you darling, I don't know anyone who could make my tea any better than yours." She tells me just as she does every morning when she stops by. "Come Mrs. Fetcher there is no need for flattery, I love making that cup just for you." I smile. "You're one to talk about flattery." she rolls her eyes as she takes a sip of her tea eliciting a small laugh from me, while I get to work on my cinnamon buns. She eyes me carefully then beckons me over with her finger. "Come here girl." Confused I make my way towards her. "Is there something wrong?" I question wearily, afraid that she might have seen what lies under my farce of a smile. She catches me by surprise though when she grabs my cheeks and starts pinching them as if they would oblige her and fall right off my face. Goodness what have I done to deserve this. "You are getting old child, when am I going to see a man sweep you off your feet?" I stiffen. Never, is what I want to shout to her but instead I release a nervous chuckle. "Mrs. Fetcher come on, I'm only 22 and I don't need a man I'm doing perfectly fine on my own." I managed to get out through strangled cheeks. Man these are going to burn and shade pink when she lets them go. Sighing in relief when she releases me, giving a look that resembles that of hopelessness and disdain. What the hell had I put in her tea this morning. "Mrs. fetcher is everything okay?" I ask genuinely concerned. As if realizing she was still with company Mrs. Fetcher gives me her signature frown and says something I thought I'd only ever hear from Rose. "I was just thinking that I get more in a week than you have in 5 years Alexa, I just figured maybe I should be a little concerned." I was speechless and standing with my mouth agape. "I-I-uhm..." my mouth opening and closing like that of a goldfish. "Thank you Mrs. F I've been trying to hook her as up for months now." Rose butts in literally appearing out of nowhere. Flushed at the sudden attention on my non-existent sex life, I turn on my heal and make my way back to my cinnamon buns. "What is with your obsession with my lack of physical activity? I'll have you know that I'm perfectly fine without any stimulation I never needed it then and I definitely don't need it now." Giving them both a stern glare to drop this subject and continuing with my work.
The rest of the morning kept both me and Rose busy, so I was safe from anymore questions from Rose and Mrs. Fetcher. When lunch time rush hour kicked in I immediately got excited, my mind has been nothing but occupied and I was more than greatful for that. after a full hour of running up and down, the cafe finally settled and the remaining customers stayed enjoying a cup of coffee and cake talking amicably. As I was busy making a caffe latte the bell to front chimed letting me know there was another customer. I looked to Rose signaling that she should handle this one. Returning from cleaning a table I bumped my tray into someone's chest. flustered I looked up getting ready to apologize, but the minute my eyes met the pair of sea green eyes staring back at me, all words got caught in my throat. I would recognize those green eyes anywhere. They have haunted me in my dreams for 7 years. Tears sprang to eyes as memories started shoving their way to the forefront of my brain forcing me to recall any and everything involving those eyes. My hands started shaking from fear.
What is he doing here? if they find out they'll come after me. What have I done? I did everything they have asked me to do so how the hell did he find me. I can't go back there. I WONT. Looking back at the boy, no man standing in front of me I realize he looks different from when I have last seen him, his body now more built and leaner than I remember and his clothes more immaculate. His jaw more prominent with a faded five-o-clock shadow, and his eyes, those sea green colored eyes no longer hold that warmth and mischief that I've grown to know was now colder than that of ice. His face giving off no expression as he studies me the way I did him. The tray that I was holding in my hands falls to floor with a clatter due to the shaking of my hands. I would've picked it up but I was way too shocked and too scared to care about the broken pieces laying on the floor.
"Hello Alexa" His voice had become much deeper and cold from the way I last heard, yet even through my fear he managed to make my insides purr with the pure masculinity of it.
"N-Nicholai." I croaked.