"Oh my gosh that was so romantic!" squealed our little red riding hood like witness.
The petite young woman closed the distance between us in a blink, likely to give us some kind of hug, but stopped short, reeled back, and made a sickened face.
"Oh my gosh you two smell so ripe!" she groaned while retreating.
"Just a bit too much Perfum De Romance." Blake grinned, making it armor like a pro.
"You should really consider switching brands." Ruby suggested while waving her hand to fan the fumes away from her.
"Not a chance." Blake countered in this very uneven conversation.
The cuteness of this encounter did in fact pierce my hardened heart, but I had my priorities in life.
"Hey Ruby," I started, feeling like an ass already, "I am so sorry to do this right now. You seem like a really nice person and I speak for the both of us when I guarantee that we want to get to know you better, but Blake just told me that she had something important to show me, so we gotta run."
"Oooo, can I see it too?" the girl I needed to desperately ditch asked excitedly.
"Sorry." Blake said in that way girls do that lets people know they aren't really sorry, "It's something really personal I wanted to give him after we got to Beacon. We can come find you afterwards though."
Ruby's ultra expressive face combined with her absolute inability to hide her feelings caused me to feel like a comic book bad guy as her countenance fell. I understood her situation, the socially inept girl just left all her friends behind and went to a new school with her sister, a sister that dropped her fast enough to make a zip noise to accentuate her departure. In swoop two smelly new friends who save her from the White Witch of Beacon, who also run from her at their first chance.
That face almost pulled me away from my new mission to find a place to publicly bang Blake, but almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
"Yeah." she sighed in defeat, "We'll get together then."
"You know we'll have a good time then." I finished the reference neither of them would ever get.
Fortunately, the educational rip off of Anor Londo had an absolute multitude of quiet nooks and crannies a couple can slip away to for a good romp so it only took us a handful of minutes to get to a location where my new girlfriend dropped her black pants to her knees and put her ivory hands on the white stonework.
I had to clench up hard fifteen minutes later to keep my legs from giving out while Blake did a sinful impersonation of a busted fire hydrant.
"Holy shit!" I gasped out as I threw a hand to the wall for support.
"We need to be way more careful when we do this next time." Blake panted out while trying to catch her breath, "I almost passed out."
This girl really knows how to make a man feel like a god.
By the time we made our way through the impressively maintained landscape of Beacon Academy to the amphitheater that hosted the freshman orientation, we missed all the announcements and speeches, only catching the sight of Ozpin's retreating back. At that moment, an interesting thought struck me. Was banging Blake keeping my life from becoming a cannon rehash?
I'd come to Vale a week early with the intention of making important contacts and possibly stopping a specific dust shop robbery, jacking a bit of Ruby's shine and putting the fear of me into the bad guys. Did I do any of that? No. Instead of building up my notoriety I was getting laid. But notoriety's greatest use is in getting laid. I had effectively cut the middle man out! What a revelation!
Like we promised, we sought out Ruby and found her with ease because of her rather eye catching sister. Tall, busty, and with voluminous shining blonde hair passed her hips. You'd need to be blind to miss Yang Xiao Long in a crowd, and with her came her far more muted little half sister.
"It sounds like you ran into that crazy couple that everyone has been talking about." Yang spoke excitedly with Ruby while we closed in silently, something far creepier coming from me than Blake. She had a pretty strong ninja vibe to her, but I'd always moved with an eerily light step despite my enormous frame.
"They were really nice, right up until the point where they ditched me." Ruby sighed while fixing her eyes on the polished concrete floor, causing her to miss our approach.
"That sucks little sis, but … oh my god what is that smell?" She coughed out while reaching up to cover her nose.
"It's Ruby's new besties!" I announced full of glee.
Yang gave us the stink eye....
I kill myself with these sometimes.
"Oh hey, you actually came to find me." Ruby declared with happy surprise, "That's so cool."
"Jaune loves meeting new people." Blake explained to the younger woman, "We wouldn't have run off if it wasn't so important to us."
"Seriously! Why do you guys smell so rank?" Yang asked after taking cover behind her younger sister.
I really wanted to laugh at that. Season 1 Yang Xiao Long was the brightest, flirtiest, and most provocative character on the cast. Later seasons trimmed these traits by trimming her of limb, something I had formed a decent plan to prevent mind you. Despite her almost porn star style, Yang had no idea what people smell like after a long and intense sexual session.
"You'll learn more about it when you are older." Blake deadpan jabbed at the pair.
"While we are on the topic of body odor." Ruby segwayed bluntly, "We are free to explore the campus for the rest of the day and I think the two of you should explore the gym showers and soap dispensers immediately and thoroughly."
"That's the spirit, Ruby." I complimented, "Keep taking charge like that and you will be a team leader in no time."
"You really think?" She squealed while fixing me with silver doe eyes.
"I'd be willing to put lien down on you being in charge so long as nothing trips you up come initiation." I responded with a practiced good natured grin.
"Do, you two happen to know the directions to those showers?" Blake asked the pair, "We really had to rush this morning and missed our opportunity to wash up."
"Yeah, the teachers told everyone where the locker room is. We were going to head there to drop off our gear." Ruby answered.
"Onward, fearless leader!" I commanded the little red head, "Your loyal lackey really needs to drop off his gear and freshen up."
Time passed and Blake and I found the pair of sisters as they settled down for the evening camping out in the auditorium like the rest of the first year students.
"Oh hey, you guys are finally back." Ruby greeted us with a very uncomfortable look on her face, "You definitely took your time in their...together."
"The water pressure here is amazing." I let her know as we tiptoed through the metaphorical tulips.
"The soap and conditioner was really good too." Blake added with a smirk.
"You definitely listened to Ruby's suggestion." Yang said while looking like she just wanted us to leave, fortunately Ruby stopped her from building any momentum on that passive aggressive warfront.
"Were you two fucking in there?" the younger sister blurted loudly while her older sister looked at her in absolute horror.
"Who taught you to talk like that?" Yang demanded, "Was it these two deviants?"
"Wow Yang, your inner Atlesian is showing." I sniped at her. It was a damn good shot too. The people of Atlas formerly known as Mantle launched a war about eighty years prior to prevent free expression. They are basically Puritan Nazis.
"God Yang, I am fifteen not five and I know more people than just you and Dad." Ruby answered her sister hotly. This turn of events definitely had my attention though. My hazy recollection of the show had Ruby pegged as an absolute cinnamon roll and Yang as an overbearing hothead. Seeing the delicious baked good cuss and standing up for herself made me happy.
"Don't worry, we wore protection." I announced to the pair while getting a weird look from Blake considering we used the cheap and readily available birth control pills to prevent our frequent hook ups from making us some kittens. "I would never allow anyone I care about to go anywhere in this school without shower shoes. Coed dorms, changing rooms, and bathrooms. Mad respect to the cleaning staff for this place not being covered in jizz constantly."
My joke landed and everyone had a decent chuckle about that.
"I honestly had the same thought about how this place is set up." Yang admitted, putting her inner Atlesian back in his cage for now, "You two must have set some kind of record though. I doubt anyone has ever been brave enough to start banging on their first day here."
"Is that what you two left me earlier for." Ruby asked with a sullen face after figuring out the truth of what Blake needed to show me.
"Don't be mad with us Ruby." Blake consoled the girl, "That girl that was yelling at you was Weiss Schnee, basically the princess of Atlas, and Jaune had just driven her off with good manners. It was the hottest thing I have ever seen in my life."
"You wound me, woman." I told her while leaning back from her, "You wound me."
The chuckle and grin let them all know just how deeply.
"I for one feel that Blake is the hottest thing I have ever seen, but that could just be the romantic in me."
"Boo." Yang booed me, the gall of this girl, "Keep that sappy couple crap for the showers."
"And the jack boot stomps me again." I fake complained while raising my voice in distress.
"I'm not Atlesian!" Yang growled at me.
"With a name like Yang Xiao Long I'd have assumed Mistraili, but you look like every other Vale girl I bagged."
"Bullshit." Yang barked, "You've never slept with anyone like me." She stated with a confident gesture down her pajama clad body.
"Literally dozens." I brushed her off, "I come from Ansel, the holy land of busty blonde's looking for thrills."
"Pegged." Ruby sniped her sister with a smirk.
"Better watch out Blake." Yang redirected, "Sounds like Jaune has a type."
"A type I am completely bored with." I verbally hacked her down and from the face she pulled my axe struck true.
"Burn." Ruby dogpiled her poor sister.
"Besides, I am the bustiest blonde I ever met." I declared while bouncing my massive pecs in various hypnotic patterns, "You just don't stack up babe."
Yang grabbed her jugs defensively, as if only now realizing the massive amount of lean contractile tissue on my chest.
"Holy shit you're right." She commented in a daze, "All hail your pillowy man bosom."
"Don't worry, if we end up on the same team I'll teach you how to put some chest on your chest." I joked, but really though I am the king of the weight room.
"When did you plan to teach me, oh king of big titties." Blake snarked at me, aware that she actually had the smallest breasts in a group that included a fifteen year old and her boyfriend.
"When you stop being so perfect."
"FUCK OFF WITH ALL THE CUTE DIALOG!" A random guy yelled from across the auditorium.
"Fuck you, bro!" I shouted back at him.
"OH YEAH WELL I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANNA SUCK MY COCK!"
"Just you wait ass hat, that's the kind of attitude that gets a guy dragged behind a motorcycle!"
"HOW MUCH DUST YOU GOT IN THE TANK COCKSUCKER? LAST TIME THEY PULLED ME AROUND FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS!"
"I can't be the only one that wants that guy to die in initiation tomorrow?" I questioned my companions for the evening.
Not even Ruby disagreed.