I let out a sigh,
Sitting on the plastic chair, I leaned back staring at the ceiling, sometimes down to my feet. I didn't took bath today, my hair was unbrushed, I didn't get to wash my face before I was dragged here. Hour hand was moving past 10am.
To face the consequences before my Grandfather, his brother, 4 uncles including one mine, circled around me.
People around me, are my big giant family, that believed in restrictions to shape me, and I believed in freedom.
So I was being dissed of my attitude.
I was knocked out by the sleeping pills last night, drowsy eyes trying hard to fix on something, something to relax the hammer in my head. Finding it difficult as they kept babbling about how insolent I have been, how my arrogance ruined our prestige. How I over-reacted, and how I let go of such a good Man from my hand. I sound way more softer than how I heard it.
Like I give two shit about that.
I felt like the ground was sucking me in, with the load of rubbish over me, I was willing to get swallowed right now.
I didn't do anything wrong.
If this happened to aunty too, then It is her fault that she was too stupid to voice out for her self-respect, but also was it really her fault? She believes it's okay to be judged like that as a woman, not knowing it is disrespectful.
I know how people are trained/brain-washed since childhood to behave according to someone's liking. Someone is the Man of the house, grandfather, society and everyone around them.
How they loose their sense of being themselves, confidence, consciousness because they work on someone else's intruction. A huge part of our brain stop functioning thanks for these elders pre-deciding every single mark of our life.
Slowly, we get unaware because of the dependency of living life like that, we loose our prespective to the world and one day we loose what makes us different from others.
This dependency is not what we choose, but someone imposed us. A father, a mother chooses everything for us thinking they owe us a life, life of a slave.
Think about the possiblities of a life without that, life that explores, life that has experience, and life that is boundless..
Life.., We didn't even asked for one, I think they owe us big time for making us suffer like this. Being chained to society where majority lack humanity , lacking morality, and intelligence.
I wish I was in the state of speaking, but I was still under the influence of drug,just chilling inside my skin, and being pathetic.
My ears were unresponsive for every insults and bullshit they uttered.
I was already annoyed with myself, for not being good for the world, having no talent and getting myself lost like that. I feel like I am standing in the middle of dense fog around me, I can't see nothing yet I was aware of all the tracks. I felt like a stupid-lil whiney-weak-moron.
Their sharp words, threats, insults and claims make me want to kick myself for not overdosing last night.
Suddenly, heart wrenching cry made me jump straight.
The howl of pain, the cry that indicates ill omen. I was fully awake, now. Staring back at confused people around me.
Dada was first to stand up and ran out, I was second to follow him ignoring the shouts of obstruction.
We were out on the street where familiar woman stood looking pale and sad.
"Kya hua?" Dada asked frowning
"Aman" She said hesitantly "Sulendar ji ka pota--" I failed register her words, as she spoke what exactly happened. He went to play football, he fell and passed out. They ran away.
I shook my head in disbelief.
"Kya bak rahe hai!" I snapped
I believed I was in one of my bad dreams and in any second it will be over.
But the cry dismissed my thoughts. My heart sank in my stomach,I didn't want to move but something pushed me forward. I lagged behind my grandfather.
Under the grey cloud, the world seemed to slow down. Air that help essence of something dark with it. I felt the sensations, goosebumps as I walked.
A huge crowd gathered around the house.
cutting through the wall of people,with A thousand sound from hell, rattling in my head, getting louder and louder until it was revealed to me.
Aman laying lifeless on the dirt..
Like a hurricane just passed,I felt distorted and lost, standing there like a zombie, staring at his face, that didn't woke up as the old lady shook him, called him, kissed his cheeks, his forehead begging him to wake up. The old man wiped his tears by his knuckles, the lady, his aunt stood emotionless.
cries dwindling under the laugh of this kid, the bright faced boy that unknowingly offered me serenity in my insanity.
His memories started to flash in my head,I felt his dreams there with him, his contagious smile, smile that can melt evil and positive energy that he carried, Him walking down the street, talking to his friends and being excited about his new pair of shoes that was kept untouched. His excitement as he talked to me ecoed in my ears slowly fading away.
I closed my eyes, with a sigh..