- How is he-... ?
Joohee bit her lip, trying to hide the trembling in her voice, that hindered her to speak clearly and nearly break in tears after what she just heard. She was yet somehow holding herself as it were Siwon that had seen everything and couldn't even put it in words what happened with Jiwook, his voice seemed to her so distressed and pained that she could only roughly grasp the gravity of the unspoken part.
At first she felt such a great relief when she heard they found Jiwook, but in an instant, it crumbled with the stretched grievous silence Siwon gave her instead of an reply and Joohee was left to guess for herself how bad it all was.
After long dense moments of none of them speaking, Siwon told her finally bits of what was Jiwook's condition and almost nothing about what really happened to him. Joohee could only swallow it and force herself to not ask for anything more though she so badly wanted to know, to understand, to help. Did they consider her too young or weak-hearted for that?! It might as well be, as her brother always shielded her excessively even though she wasn't the scared little girl from the past anymore. Nevertheless he wouldn't change it and never let her help him instead. He never let anyone close to him.
Except Jiwook.
Goddess, how was her brother facing all of this?
- My brother is he there? Is he alright? He doesn't take my calls.
- ...
Joohee didn't know why, but the second silence was somehow more rigid and heavier, which threw her right away into an alarmed state.
- D-did something happen to oppa? Is- is he hurt?
Her voice broke at the end unable to control her increasing worry.
- No... yes. No wait, I mean, we didn't confront any of the assaulters, so he wasn't hurt, but... he might be too... shocked perhaps. I'm not sure he was strange the whole time we waited during the surgery. And then they told us about Jiwook's condition, he didn't... take it well. He hurt himself. His hands... that, he was getting treated but he then run out of the room. I didn't see him anymore. It was... around 2 hours since then. Did... did he not come home by now?
Joohee put her hand on her mouth to muffle her gasps in dismay of what Siwon was saying. She could imagine Joohoon throwing and crushing everything or maybe even run after the bastards who did that to Jiwook, but hurt himself? And..."strange". What ... how was he strange?! To other people he could seem indeed strange, but for her, for those who knew him well at least, it was just him, Joohoon with his peculiar personality. However, for Siwon to say that, the way he described it, she knew something was wrong.
So, so wrong.
...
She came running to her grandmother's house praying to see her brother there, but she found it empty, as if frozen in time, with traces of Jiwook's presence still so painfully vivid that you'll expect him to come out of it at any moment. She could understand why Joohoon didn't dare to come near the house at all those two days.
Yet that was the only place she could think of.
Joohee took her phone and tapped to call Taejoon and ask if he might have seen him, but she stopped at the quiet scratching sound of the gate door slowly being pushed back. Her eyes jerked right that instant on it and she saw him.
- Oppa, you finally are here-
She was running to him but froze in place at the sight of the blood on him. His hands were soaked in blood, still dripping down, right hand in a red damp mess of bandages, while his left was clenched tightly just as red, his knees and down his feet were dyed a dull dark red, like it had dried already, and his face, his mouth, his forehead - half his face was wiped with blood and Joohee's first thought was Joohoon killed someone, because the way he stood and moved, wasn't of someone who was hurt to the point of bleeding, therefore the blood wasn't his... was it?
She dismissed it quickly, remembering what Siwon told her.
And...
Joohee looked better at her brother, at his face, searching for his eyes, and the words "hurt himself" resounded in her head. She slowly approached him trying to make him look at her, she needed to see his eyes to make sure of anything since Joohoon was very good at hiding and keeping appearances. Only his eyes could give him away.
- Hoon-oppa, please, please look at me. You're home. It's okay. I'm here, your Joohee is here - she begged with the kindest of voices.
- Joo...hee.
Joohoon looked like his shell of numbness just cracked only with his sister now by his side.
- Joohee...
His voice was so weak, so quiet, so lifeless, Joohee couldn't recognize it at all. Not only that, she couldn't even imagine her brother's voice could ever sound like that ...so broken.
It scared her.
- Joohee...
She saw then... his eyes.
Her own eyes widened in shock at the sight, even blood didn't stroke her as much as the way Joohoon's eyes were right then.
She saw the ten years old Joohoon's eyes when he found their mother dead on the floor, pills thrown all around her. She didn't even think she could remember his expression from back then, she was too young to understand, but now one look and she could tell right away - it was the same. Or maybe worse. Nor then, nor now, it wasn't shock or horror in his eyes, it was something else.
Something far more gruesome and scaring.
It was as if he knew, the hopeless feeling like you expected that but couldn't stop it from happen, couldn't do anything against it... as if he was at fault.
That wasn't right was it?! Joohoon, her strong proud brother, wouldn't be that foolish, would he?
Yet what she saw proved her wrong.
Joohoon looked at her like only now, he could see her for real.
- Joohee!
He rushed to her, his whole body trembling, his hands reaching for her to desperately hold into the sole person that was his world all his life.
He finally broke out his blast of inner despair and pain, as though it exploded inside of him and left his soul bare to burn in the whirl of his own feelings.
Joohoon fell.
He collapsed on his knees in front of her like someone just slayed him, his hands tangled around his sister, clenching her clothes with the last of his strength. Right then he was drowning and she was his air.
He dropped his head on her middle, hiding his face from all the world, hushing his shuddering breathing and broken sighs of pain in the softness of her sweater, in the warmth that then only she could give him.
- I failed... I failed...again. I was too late. Again.
He was crying.
- Jiwook... Jiwook! I failed him. Jiwook.. he said... he was waiting for me, but I was late. Too late, again. I couldn't save him. He cried, he was hurt so much. I couldn't protect him. I couldn't... again... again...
Joohee was devastated. She couldn't bear to see her always strong and tough, unyielding figure of her brother crumbling before her eyes, her brother, who even after their mother's death, stood tall and endured all the misery and hardships thrown on him as a young child.
Yet only now she finally got it.
Her brother wasn't the strongest. He wasn't unaffected by anything and anyone or strong enough to take everything on and not even bat. He was a human too. With wounds. Many wounds. Deep wounds, she never once noticed, because just that well did he hide everything. Not even once did that perfect image of the older brother Joohoon created wavered all this time. She didn't question nor suspect that it could be fake or at least it wasn't entirely true.
That Joohoon hid his pain for long years. Too long. Facing it all alone.
Now all his pretense fell in the end, because Jiwook meant that much for him, as not Joohee, but only he was the one that woke those forgotten emotions and revealed his untreated scars, only with his presence Joohoon started to slowly change and fail at his act.
Perhaps she never truly knew her brother.
Joohee was mortified at that realization and stayed frozen, unable to mutter a word. She could only hold him tightly back, tears falling slowly, in silence, listening to the agonizing pain her brother was uncovering and his real thoughts.
- Why?! Why can I never do that? Why is it never enough? Joohee, tell me, please, tell me what I'm doing wrong. Tell me... what should I do? ...Mother left us, I... I... what should I do Joohee? If... if Jiwook... will leave me too?
Joohoon's cries were cutting through the silence, striking every corner of Joohee's heart, unforgiving, deep enough to shatter her whole being.
She bended closely and embraced him even more tightly, patting the back of his head in a hopeless attempt to smooth his suffering, to give unfounded reassurance, which she had no right nor wish to sound in words.
Joohee had no answers for him, she could only cry along with him and mutely take on everything her brother's heart screamed out of him.
. . .
- Taejoon-oppa... my brother, my dear brother...
She cried, unable to control her tears and the tremor in her voice.
- ... please help. I'm scared Taejoon-oppa.
I'm so scared for him...
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Rustle.
A soft warm breeze was rustling the leaves of the few green-gold trees in the small park, like the last whispers of summer though it was the middle of the autumn. The bright sun as if too stubborn to let the clouds take his stage, threw generously veils of sunlight on everything beneath, confusing the earth and the small busy people with its sudden eager dedication.
It was unusual and precious, like a gift for someone.
There, shielded by the murmuring crowns of the trees, lay two figures painted with brushes of sunlight and leaves' moving shadows in a picture too expansive for eyes to see.
Blue hair glowed almost silver in that lavish light, locks tangling and detangling smoothly by the wind with its playful strokes. The blue head casted a soft shadow on the sleeping face of the second figure, which was lying on the wood bench, not long enough to stretch fully their legs, therefore one was bend and the other dangled leisurely. Their head rested on the lap of the blue-haired boy, who was sitting and committing to memory every line, every curve, every eyelash - all the smallest of details with which the other's face was crafted. He touched it ever so lightly as means to ease himself to get to his goal, but also, because he couldn't resist to not do that, smiling to himself for his yet uncaught act.
- You're forgetting something, said Joohoon with his eyes still closed, proving he wasn't sleeping at all.
Jiwook tilted his head and dropped a curious "hm" at the other's sudden words.
Joohoon took the younger's hand and lead it to the only spot Jiwook didn't dare to touch. Joohoon's lips.
Jiwook's finger trembled slightly at the contact, the soft texture bringing vivid pictures of those same lips leaving burning marks just about everywhere on his skin. He shivered.
Joohoon's lips stretched in a mischievous grin, as if he could read the younger's mind.
His eyes opened and he was right indeed, rejoicing in his favorite sight of the blushing Jiwook and him watering his lips, as though he expected that. Of course he did.
He closed his eyes back, a satisfied smirk on his face.
A moment later Jiwook regained his composure and wanted to remove his hand, but it was captive in the elder's grip, resting it on his chest.
An even calming pulsation vibrated on the tips of the younger's finger and he sunk into it.
- Do you think one person's heartbeat can change?
Odd question.
- It does. As people change.
- Hmm... does everyone change?
- ... Yes.
Joohoon opened his eyes, for once not really following what the younger's thoughts were.
He for one wouldn't think that one week before, but now it was different.
He felt it, the changes in himself, and he actually considered himself as a highly inflexible person.
The younger thought for a moment longer.
- That's right... but, aren't the changes scary?
- It might be.
Joohoon looked deeply at Jiwook, who was gazing far, far away in the horizon as though there was the answer he might have looked for.
Jiwook seemed like he found it or like he knew about it all along, but still wasn't sure if it was the right answer.
The elder sighed quietly and reached his other hand toward Jiwook's right cheek, stroking it gently, lovingly, making Jiwook tear away his distant gaze back to him, as if he wanted to keep him there, with himself, afraid to lose him somewhere in the depths of that unknown.
Jiwook closed his eyes and leaned in the other's touch, immersing himself in his warmth, like breathing in air.
- I don't want you to change, hyung.
That was unexpected.
- The way you are now, I love it the most.
Jiwook opened his eyes and, with the most intense, burning gleam in that unruly blueness of theirs, he held captive Joohoon's gaze almost commanding.
- Let them change. Let the world change how much it wants, but not you.
"It was a little late for that" thought Joohoon in his mind, looking back at everything that happened between them.
- Not how you are right now.
- How am I now then?
Jiwook's serene blue eyes sparkled in a way that the world never saw and never knew. He giggled and the sound of that, was what Joohoon wanted to listen to, for the rest of his life.
- It's so easy, how come you don't know?!
Joohoon patiently waited for Jiwook's elaboration as he looked a bit puzzled and thus making the younger smile even more.
- You're now what I want you to be... You are happy.
Joohoon held his breath. His mind was momentarily frozen due to the impact of those simple words to him and the realization of that undeniable truth.
Joohoon being Joohoon, didn't want to give Jiwook the rare chance of catching him off guard and win him over completely, so he counter attacked, as an idle attempt to gain back the upper hand.
- And how did you find it out?
- Easy. Your heart told me.
Jiwook replied with utmost certainty, his hand still glued to the elder's chest like he was holding Joohoon's heart in his hand with absolutely no chances of letting it free. Ever.
And Joohoon held that hand tightly, knowingly, for it was his will.
Commit his heart to be at the mercy of the only one in that world.
Yes. Joohoon was happy.
Happy that it was Han Jiwook.