The tall man didn't say anything, yet didn't move an inch. He waited.
Taemin recovered after a moment and let him inside. He cleared his throat praying Joohoon didn't hear what they both were just arguing about.
Upon seeing him, Woojin had himself a dumbstruck face, questioning eyes moved to the elder, who raised his shoulders in uncertainty.
Joohoon stayed frozen in the middle of the room, no move, no word spoken as minutes went on.
The other two could only look at each other in confusion. Taemin cleared his voice a second time mumbling he'll bring water or something.
He turned to go to the kitchen, but stopped upon hearing the name.
-Han... Siwon.
And how strange sounded his voice, that Taemin blinked perplexed checking if he really heard it or his ears played games on him.
- Han Siwon.
It was Joohoon's voice. God, it rang so scratchy and withered, as if the man aged with dozens of years and life mercilessly changed him. Perhaps that was it indeed.
Taemin didn't dare move and waited for the other to speak further, which one could see had something to say yet need time to come with the right words.
...
- May I talk with you?
It was a pointless question as Taemin was already listening to him, but he failed to get the purpose. However, Woojin fortunately did not.
- You can say it here, Woojin replied instead, his voice unjustly cold, since his argument with Taemin was still vivid on his tongue.
Joohoon said nothing though he turned slowly his head to Woojin, a glimpse of his eyes could be seen through the move, which Woojin didn't miss and nearly gasped at the sight of it.
Joohoon's eyes weren't enraged, not even angry or annoyed, it carried a nearby eerie yet dull glow in it, not like of a mad person's, just the opposite, eyes filled with realization and almost a calm desolation, a boundless acceptance and something that Woojin knew it well enough - regret.
Joohoon said nothing to that and Taemin stepped in, after all it was up to him to decide that.
- Joohoon we can talk alone if you want.
Woojin nearly dropped a scowl.
- It's ... it's ok... here, said Joohoon, his voice though sounded unsure.
Taemin turned then to bring the seat on his far left closer to Joohoon for him to sit, since the youth was just standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.
Then he put it right to Joohoon the other called him out again. Taemin remained in place, looking at the taller, waiting patiently for him to continue.
- Han Siwon.
- Y-yeah.
A 3rd time he was called out with that name and something didn't sit down well in Taemin's mind. He felt on eager and for the first time since he woke up in the body of Han Siwon, he felt heavily uncomfortable, as though the repeated question was to confirm that it was indeed Han Siwon and each time it felt like he was lying. Far sharper than usually.
His heartbeat rose inexplicably.
Joohoon suddenly took something from his pocket in a swift movement and put in Taemin's right hand, holding it with his both hands.
It was a small knife.
Taemin made a half step back in shock, but was hold in place by Joohoon, who fell that right second on his knees, his hands were trembling though still holding just as tightly.
- Cut it. My hands, my face, my chest, anything! Just do it!
Taemin was looking petrified at what Joohoon was doing and saying, as if stricken by an electric shock. He blanked for a moment.
Woojin by side was just as stunned.
- Please, anything. For what I did to you, what... I made you go through, it was all my fault, strike me, hit me, kill if you want. Anything!
Joohoon's voice was chocking with words and unsteady breathing. Like a burst of ton-weighing feelings exploded out of him and his eyes, he didn't hide his eyes anymore, it looked straight at Taemin, pleading, despairing, burning with pain.
- What do you-
- It's me! I did it. Your assault, your pain, it's on me. Jiwook, he-... I pushed him. I know you hate him, but it's not him alone. No, I staged everything, I am guilty. I should be punished. ME!
Taemin tried to utter words still helpless in pure shock at what his eyes were witnessing, and what he just heard.
- C-calm down Joohoon.
- Do it! Or tell me to do it, anything, I will do anything.
Joohoon was dangerously pushing Taemin's hand with the dagger's edge inches away for his chest as if to pierce it hard enough to kill any next second.
Taemin struggled to pull back his hand, his eyes on the edge that was puncturing a red spot already, his other hand desperately trying to unclench the stone-like grip of Joohoon's both hands.
Woojin jumped from the back, pulling from his side the taller one's hands away from the dagger, that even if not pointed at the elder could accidently hurt him if not worse.
He yelled.
-LET GO OF HIM! Drop the knife!
Joohoon didn't listen as if words and reality passed through him.
And it seemed he was holding into that dagger like his life depended on it, which was a denial in itself, while he pushed it harder into his chest.
Joohoon's eyes didn't falter a second and only watered as tears were rushing out.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry... Please tell me, anything, I'll do anything. I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
His head dropped down as it seemed his strengths gave away, since his body didn't recover yet enough.
Taemin teared his hand away and took the dagger, while Woojin pushed the other at the side, tossing him farther from Taemin.
Joohoon repeated the same words again, still on his knees, his hands now on the floor, clenching in fists in a convulsing move, trembling violently.
His whole body trembled.
Taemin and Woojin, who half stood in front of him protectively, were at loss.
That wasn't depression. That wasn't madness. That's wasn't despair, at least not only that. A regret that ate his whole being from inside as though he was made of pieces that broke then were put together again and again.
Joohoon's voice resounded in echoes of strangled pleas and apology.
Taemin threw the dagger away from eyes to see, and turned back to Joohoon, making his way to him even though Woojin didn't let him at first.
Taemin knew what must be done.
He couldn't lie to Joohoon.
Just like with Jiwook.
It wasn't his place to decide to forgive them or not.
After all he wasn't... Han Siwon.
- Joohoon listen.
Strangely but the other looked up at him and quieted down, resolved to accept anything that was told to him, decided for him.
-... Joohoon you'll have to believe what I tell you right now.
... I'm not Han Siwon.
Joohoon couldn't react to those words, his mind struggling to understand the hidden meaning it carried.
- The body is his, but... it's not him. I'm Yoon Taemin. I woke up in his body.
It followed a long moment so intense that one could perhaps hear the movement of the heavy air in that room. No one dared to move, nor take a breath.
Joohoon's first thought was he was made fun of, of course he would, who would want in their right mind to listen to the one that ruined their life.
However as seconds passed and "Han Siwon"'s face stayed serious and what more even Min Siwoon at the side was anxiously looking back at him, as if waiting for his reaction.
Wasn't that a joke? Something to crush his self to dare come there and say that all...was it not?
Though his mind rationally reasoned the meaning behind those crazy words, his heart was close to throw itself against his ribs, out of his chest.
"That can't be...true..."
And even it it was a lie, he found himself asking.
- Where is Han Siwon?
...
Taemin flinched yet didn't turn his eyes away from Joohoon's and the other knew, the next words were true.
- Han Siwon is... dead.
- What?
Joohoon had a loud ringing in his head, his heart beating heavily in his ears like a mine exploded right next to him and for a few seconds he lost all senses.
His mind replayed the scenes of his talk with Jiwook, when he calmed him down and promised him as long as there was time, as long as Han Siwon was alive, they both would work together to make up for their mistakes; the words Taejoon said to him circled in his head, that he had still a chance, that he should ask for forgiveness, try and do something for Han Siwon, that that way was the only way.
The chance he was told he had - it have been no chance to begin with.
Han Siwon was dead and nothing, even Joohoon's death, would turn it back.
Joohoon began to laugh, not because he thought it was a joke, strange enough what they told him sunk in him as an ultimate truth, undeniable, because he felt it somehow, he just knew it was the truth, he laughed madly because he realized life wasn't that merciful to give him a chance.
For a moment he forgot that. Wasn't that funny?
Yet his sudden unexpected reaction was counted as disbelief and the other pressed further.
- I know it sounds absurd and crazy, but it's the truth. You felt it yourself that Han Siwon changed and is like a different person, didn't you?
Joohoon didn't react in any way, though his mind accepted it already and could clearly follow the reasoning.
- ... Jiwook knows.
- What?
Joohoon stopped breathing.
- He found out I don't know how. He asked me... on that day. He knows that I'm Taemin and not his brother... He knows that Han Siwon died. He asked me to confirm it.
- No! .... NO!
Joohoon shouted and stood rushly up, shacking his head firmly.
- It can't be. That's not right.
Joohoon rushed to Taemin grasping his arms, as if imploring him to take back his words.
Jiwook, he shouldn't have find it out like that. No. Not that way. Not at that time.
- Tell me, please, tell me Jiwook doesn't know.
His tears fell as his eyes were filled with breaking devastation, his voice trembling and too weak to hide the utter despair he was feeling right then. Perhaps the greatest he had ever felt.
- I'm sorry.
Taemin closed his eyes and unwillingly sounded the most cruel words.
Joohoon put his trembling hand on his month like he wanted to stop himself from saying the next words yet failing to do that.
- What if... what if Jiwook wouldn't want to wake up anymore?!
It was a question that had no answer and shouldn't have been sounded, since it alone carried the one driedful invariable.
Both Taemin and Woojin looked away, down, in a pained helplessness, unable to meet Joohoon's shattered in agony eyes, the aching silence echoed his voice like whipped cracks in the air.
Joohoon drooped his head and hands down, somehow his legs still didn't give away; he stood there anchored to the world that seemed to take its revenge on him.
And what kept him standing, kept him breathing, was the sole fact that he knew deep inside, he deserved it, he brought it upon him himself and the thought that Jiwook payed with tears of blood and screams for a sin, he was not only a guilty partaker of as well, but its true inciter.
He understood then, for his sins blood and pain and tears weren't enough and it will never be anything enough to pay for that. He killed his chance once he committed the sin.
He had no right to redemption.
Yet... he selfishly wished and prayed for Jiwook to wake up.
He will live through all the torment this world had thrown on him and was yet to come, everything with no exception, he will take all the punishment and hell even forever if needed, only... only for Jiwook to live.
Joohoon shifted. He had nothing left to say nor to do. He turned to leave.
-Wait.
Taemin stopped him, his hand lightly held the taller's arm, not that that was enough to hold him in place, but nevertheless Joohoon halted.
The other went and brought his bag, taking out what Joohoon could recognize as Jiwook's phone.
-I was at the police today. They called me. They gave it to me as all the needed data they took it and didn't need the phone anymore. I believe it's better for you to have it.
Joohoon looked at the black screen and tapped on it, the screen turned on revealing the photo of him and Jiwook from their date on the lockscreen, both with such happy expressions that it felt like those two people were not them, like they were from another world. His finger glided softly on Jiwook's face, longing for the younger's warm smile, yet only looking at him made breathing a bit easier and a bare small smile rose quietly, his eyes softened while watching the blue glow of Jiwook's own eyes.
He would live if only for Jiwook's smile.
- Thank you, said unexpectedly Joohoon turning his eyes to Taemin in a honest kind gratitude.
Taemin was in awe for a second at the words itself but also at how Joohoon said it.
He decided.
- The police identified the 3 kidnapers. They have more crimes on their record, most with dealing drugs and human trafficking. Though they have been tied with underground organizations in that field, they began to work independently taking heinous orders at least so they presumed. They hide well and are cautious with any outside contact like we already know. They will likely stay low for a while and the police said it will take some time to find them. 'Cause they are illegally here in Korea and have no previous records it will be even harder. They will try to do what they can.
Joohoon listened very carefully with a cold and numb mind, surprisingly calmly processing all the information Taemin gave him.
- There is...
Taemin looked at Woojin, but didn't really wait for the other's reaction or words, Woojin only closed his eyes in defeat and let him do what he thought was right.
Taemin took the cofflink from his pocket for Joohoon to see.
- Jiwook gave me a lead that day. We're already searching for him... that one behind the assault, as well as the three kidnappers. We believe it is someone from the upper class and we're searching for them.
Joohoon could only look at the small silver cufflink tented with dried blood, that he knows was Jiwook's and something was splitting and twisting his insides in a ferocious hunger.
Something wretched and poisonous was pulling every fiber of his body apart, ignited and began to burn his every breath. A hungry raging monster was being born through his boiling veins, strong and cruel enough to destroy a world, yet Joohoon was calm on the outside. Calmest possible. It didn't frighten him nor did he thought of rejecting it.
Maybe a bit disgusted if anything.
For he felt excitement at the mere thought of watching how they'll scream their lungs out and beg him to have mercy and kill them instead.
Yes, he will sink lower, he will fall deeper. Darkness will swallow him.
One more time. The last time.
Until Jiwook will come back to him and he will see the light again.