Joohoon opened his tired eyes unwillingly, as if he didn't want to wake up from that dream. That memory. Because only there he could see Jiwook smiling at him again, his brightness and radiance unmatching.
He moved his eyes away from the nothingness in that room still so vivid with Jiwook's presence there, that he felt it was chocking him.
Nevertheless, he couldn't find his will nor strength to be in any other place. As unbearable as it was, that place, that house, was the last evidence that what he felt was real. That Jiwook wasn't just a piece of his imagination.
So unreal felt the younger's absence to him.
Like a bad dream and only when he was asleep would he live in the expected reality.
Not that he could actually sleep.
After he collapsed in Joohee's arms, only then he slept through the entire night and the next day, his body passed out from the gathered physical and psychological exhaustion.
Everything after were sleepless nights and short moments with his consciousness drifting away then being pulled back again.
Just like right now.
He was forced to face the crushing reality again and again after only for an instance he could touch Jiwook and hear his voice, see his smile, feel his warmth and the next, it was all gone.
And then anew.
He was sitting down on the floor, his back held by the bare wall behind him, as he didn't have the heart to touch anything in that room, afraid to change it, afraid to erase unwillingly least one trace of Han Jiwook.
Thus he stayed like that for God knows how long. He lost count of days, since the first thing he did after he woke up was getting himself drunk to death. He almost succeeded at that, with his already wretched state, he filled himself with tons of strong mixed alcohol to make his feelings at least a little number. Was it experience or his blood, he was a very heavy drinker and not even his condition and the countless bottles he poured in his stomach could help him get drunk enough to ease his tearing pain. The sole thing he attained was an almost critical alcohol intoxication and the devastation in his sister's eyes.
He didn't touch the alcohol anymore.
He coffined himself in the house since then. Only once he went to the hospital. However, the unmoving body of Jiwook, unable to breath alone, with all the maddening devices attached to him and the paleness of his face, his closed unwilling to open eyes and the load of heavy bandages wrapped everywhere on his body - was a sight Joohoon physically couldn't take nor look at. Whilst his mind replayed again and again the moment of Jiwook dying in his hands... because he died there. His heart stopped. Joohoon felt and saw that with his eyes, helplessly watched how Jiwook's life was drained from him and he did nothing. If not for Siwon's call and the paramedics arriving any second later, he would have lost Jiwook forever.
Even the thought of that threw him in a dread so great that only death would be his salvation, and even then still not enough. He couldn't and wouldn't abandon his sister and yet he didn't trust himself to be able to live further through it.
Joohoon couldn't help himself and those dire thoughts were swallowing him alive with just one look at the unconscious Jiwook.
He didn't leave the house since then. Not even when Joohee pleaded to go with her. Not to the hospital nor outside either. He quieted to smoke as well as it reminded him of the moment Jiwook tried his first smoke and the thought that it could be his last, made the tobacco taste like acid.
The sole thing he was clenching into was his phone, with the few photos they made together and the chance that he'd be called and receive word which would bring his heaven or his doom.
- Joohoon.
Taejoon was there again. He came first to treat his wounds, then to check his condition after the intoxication he barely survived and now, to try and make him at least eat normally and get him out of there. For once.
Joohoon lost so much weight in just a few days, it could have been the intoxication, but it wasn't only that. He barely touched any food, moved very little, slept even less and stayed in that chocking darkness alone, refusing to talk with anyone, even his sister. The night he came and broke down in front of Joohee, was the only time he said anything. Since then, he spoke no word.
- Joohoon. You're not a child anymore, quit behaving like one.
Again silence.
- You're ruining yourself and the ones who care about you.
Joohoon said nothing, his gaze lost in the line of the sunlight that sneaked through the closed window and stubbornly made its way through the cloud of dust and darkness. Now the sunlight always wore Jiwook's scent with it, his eyes' glow, and that's why he hesitated to let it touch him. He knew it would make him miss him even more.
- Do you see yourself? What do you want to accomplish with this? You should be beside him right now, not pitying yourself in this sorry state. He needs you!
Chuckle.
Though it sounded so dry and hoarse, that it was anything but that. Pain rang in every breath he was making.
- He needed me then.
Taejoon stayed silent, maybe for the only reason that Joohoon finally spoke something. Anything.
- And I did nothing... again.
The silence stretched, Taejoon tried to pursue further.
- You know that wasn't your fault. Not then, nor now. Stop that foolish thought-
- Yes. It's foolish. No, it's funny even. Funny how you make me so righteous and shit then you don't even know the whole story.
- Then tell us something for heaven's sake.
- ... What's the point, it wouldn't change anything.
Joohoon could be really annoying sometimes.
- We can't help you, if you don't tell us, we know you're hiding something.
- Oh! Great.
The sarcastic tone so foreign in Joohoon's voice, was a surprise for Taejoon.
- ... then I don't have to act anymore, which is exactly what I'm doing right now.
Taejoon was dumbstruck at the said words, the seeming nonchalant tone with which it was spoken, pierced his heart as he couldn't imagine that all this years Joohoon faked everything he did and said to them.
- I know you don't mean that and Joohee... she saw and heard your real thoughts. Why did you never tell us?
- What? That I'm a fucked-up lunatic that loves to step on others and crush them like bugs?! Because, let me guess, I was actually hating myself for being just as rotten and worthless like them.
- What?
- Of course you don't know all of my ... "hobbies". Yes, Lee Joohoon you know is all a lie and believe me you don't want to know the real one.
Taejoon was shocked enough.
Somewhere during his last years he noticed something was amiss, but he could never understand what exactly and only now he could see it. Joohoon needed help. Joohee said him that already, that he carried everything that happened in the past all alone and never shared it with anyone. From a ten years old child to a 19 years youth, it was almost a decade. No wonder he broke but it seemed only because of Han Jiwook. Who knew, he could have kept his mask of "I'm fine", perhaps all his life, if not for what happened.
It was Lee Joohoon after all. He could pretend he was a killer for Joohee's sake.
- Bullshit. Don't spit this shit to me. I know for what you fought all your life. I know how much Joohee means to you and how far you're ready to go for her sake. Even this pretense is proof to that. My question is why you did it? Why did you hide your pain, don't you trust us?
- Please, drop it. I was a kid and Joohee was even younger, whom should I have told? You? You had your own struggles with your family. Who else, adults? Teacher? My aunt who always looks at me with that pained guilty look I can't bear...? Who?
Taejoon turned his back, hiding his aching expression from the younger. He could only see a ten years old child before him, trying to fight all his fears alone. So alone in this big world.
- It doesn't matter anymore. It's in the past.
Taejoon turned to face his friend, his voice softened and trembled a little.
- Joohoon, what happened wasn't your fault. You were a child you could do nothing to stop it. You did enough, you suffered enough. You protected Joohee and your mother, as much as you could. You did all you could.
Joohoon seemed to calm down a little at that. He might have accepted that, but...
- Maybe you're right, but not this time. I am not that helpless child anymore. I'm 19 now. I trusted myself that I can protect what is important for me only to fail again.
- You tried-
- No. NO!
Joohoon instantly raised his voice and stoop up, though the abrupt movement made him stager. He began to yell agitatedly, his voice catching an almost madding tone and Taejoon never saw Joohoon like that.
He understood what Joohee was scared from.
This Joohoon had wounds and cracks that if nothing was done, it would shatter him to pieces.
- You have no idea what I did. I pushed him. I made him doing that. For no reason. It was just fun to play with him and at the end to see him b-broken and miserable. Nothing new, the same I did with others. And he had quite the ...obsession. I played him perfectly, he fell in my trap never suspecting anything. It was his brother he sent to me. I knew what I have to do. People realize too late the things that mattered to them, only then they lose it. So... I helped him. I did well didn't I?
Chuckle.
This time it was so forced and fake, that it sounded like a convulsed noise, a distortion of a chortle, more like a suppressed sob.
Joohoon couldn't stand anymore and collapsed back on the floor, hiding his expression with his hands, because tears were risking to expose him.
- It was me. ME! I was behind the assault of his brother. I watched them, no I ordered them to rape him, to record it all and I was excited, yes, for fuck's sake, I was enjoying it all, because I couldn't wait to see his face crumble then he would see it. See his brother on his knees begging for him to save him, to help, yes, just as I promised him... and it happened. His brother attempted to kill himself, but nothing changed. He run away. I... I was pissed off. He sure hid well. I found him and made another plan. I played along like I was on his side. I made him trust me and finally, finally he fell into my trap. I had him in my grasp, his cheeky expression broken, his tears, his cries, his crushed plans, his horrified face... Oh! How funny he looked when he understood I betrayed him. He couldn't believe it, he was sure I was on his side - the only one-...
Joohoon's all body was trembling from the burst of emotions, he couldn't control his cries anymore, his voice breaking at the end.
Though Lee Joohoon quickly tried to repress it, at which he was nevertheless good.
- You know what came after that. You saw him that night I p...played with him.
Taejoon looked at Joohoon and it both cut miserly his heart, the cruel story Joohoon was telling right then and how he did it, his crying, goddess, he never imagined he would see Lee Joohoon hurt so much that he will cry this loud and hopeless. He approached him and put a hand on his shoulder, though sensing the trembling of the younger's body, he couldn't do anything other than push him closer and hug him.
- Hyung... you didn't see what they did to him. Hyung, it was so brutal, no living piece was left of him, his face, it was so disfigured I couldn't recognize him, he had dried tears of blood, he couldn't breathe, his voice God, it sounded like he was screaming for days to have that voice, hyu...ng, he couldn't move a finger, they drugged him 'cause they wanted him awake, some shit that made him feel more pain, more... they cut him, broke his bones, he was bleeding in a pull of blood and they did worse, they r-raped him, thrown him there to wait and meet his end alone, and I ... I saw myself there enjoying and smiling madly, hyung... I hate... I hate me so much right now. I can't keep breathing knowing he's there unable to breathe alone. Hyung... how, how can I live, eat, sleep, then he lies there half dead because I pushed him. I told him to not run away anymore, and he went there, alone, to do something, anything for his brother to...
His voice was tearing as all his innermost and darkest thoughts surfaced and poured out of him, a storm he couldn't control anymore. It was worse than when he fell down in front of Joohee, as he couldn't reveal to her the monster he was. He couldn't.
Just Taejoon... who else beside him?! As a childhood friend, a doctor and an adult as well. And Taejoon could finally understand why Joohoon did that all. Why he was like that.
- Hyung... I miss him! I miss him so much...
Taejoon sighed in visibly pain at Joohoon's words, yes he understood him, but he had no idea how to help him, how and what image of hope to give him, which he knew would never work.
Nothing could rescue him for that torment only a miracle.
Only Jiwook.
And his return.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
[- You can't change the past. You can't undo what it's done. No one can... but Joohoon, it doesn't mean you can do nothing anymore. Even if it's in the past, it's not forgotten, not by you, nor by the people you hurt. The pain will always remain. What you have now is a chance. The chance to make this pain even the slightest lighter. It's a very hard way, perhaps the hardest, but Joohoon, it's the only right way. For them. For you. You need that or it will be only worse.
Joohoon had his eyes hidden with his locks, only the dry traces of his tears could be seen, his head dropped down as he sunk in Taejoon's words.
- What... chance?
His voice barely a whisper since he was worn out of anything left alive from him.
- To change yourself. To ask forgiveness... The chance to try.
... ]