- Come here.
Joohoon sat on the bench, with his back leaning on the side of the small alcove in the city park, where they hided to avoid the rain and to be in a quieter place. He pulled the shivering Jiwook close to him; from behind he covered him entirely with his large body and arms, sheltering him from cold and all the dangers of the world.
Honestly he would have brought him home ages ago and would warm him in a more efficient way, but Jiwook was too stubborn for his own sake.
The younger, now small and crouched under the weight of his upper body and the comfort of his embrace, didn't shiver anymore and was slowly recovering his warmth, his neck and ears a faint tint of red, and perhaps his cheeks too.
Joohoon came to adore this side of Jiwook so much, that now he had trouble controlling his urge to have a taste of it, literally. He lowered his head and dropped his lips on the younger's nape, making him flinch back; he rested his face there just like that, as if wanting to inhale Jiwook's toxic scent and warmth, which so effectively clouded his mind.
God, he was a lost case already.
In the quietness of the falling rain, that became weaker somehow along the way, two strings of heartbeats were now resonating together, one faster than the other, the other louder than the first. At this point it was impossible to tell which was whose.
Jiwook took a deep sigh trying to still it at least a bit, his hands cupping the can with warm tea that Joohoon bought for him, the sleeves of the elder's jacket way too big, that just the tips of his fingers were seen.
The elder was nuzzling at his neck and hair and he found it lovely and adorable seeing the always composed Joohoon needing like that, just like a big puppy. He leaned in and cuddled closer in the elder's embrace.
It was so comforting.
More than that, it felt so familiar, so… right. Felt like home. The place where you feel cared for and secure, with no demands or expectations from you. Unconditionally loved.
That was Lee Joohoon for him.
And him, he wanted to become that person's home as well.
Maybe one day he would.
- What are you thinking about?
Joohoon asked, half his face still drowning in the younger's hair, his breath hot against the other's skin, tickling his ears.
Jiwook giggled.
- About many things.
- Hm -s that so.
Joohoon's words were muffled and it sounded just way too cute.
Jiwook giggled again.
- What is it?
"Wondering why are you so cute.", thought Jiwook but said instead:
- It feels just strange. You, me. Us. Here, right now… I always wonder if it's just a dream.
- Why? Are you afraid to wake up from it?
- … this too. Though it's too good even for a dream. Dreams are cold and pointless. But now, it feels so warm and… important. Like we'll never return to this moment ever again.
Joohoon squeezed his hold on Jiwook a bit tighter, as if afraid that the younger would disappear right before him.
Yeah indeed a strange feeling.
Something similar to when you have that inexplicable sensation that you forgot something very important, but have no idea what exactly and where.
- You don't plan to run away again, do you?
Chuckles.
- No. No way. I can't anymore.
Jiwook smiled in defeat, his lips plump and curved slightly in a small pout. Then he added, mumbling his words as for himself.
- Not from you…
Of course Joohoon heard it, a content smiled stretched on his face.
- Aren't you cute?, said he back, slid a hand in the younger's hair and ruffled it gently, not without slipping a few light kisses on top of it.
Jiwook's answer was another string of ticklish chuckles.
That very moment he felt the need to pour his heart to Joohoon and also had that God-knows-from-where certainty that the elder would calmly listen to him, take in everything Jiwook wanted to say and maybe even accept him and his faults.
What a priceless feeling.
- Hyung…
Joohoon just quietly hummed further, sign for him to continue.
- I wanted to say for a while still… I'm sorry Joohoon. Sorry for what happened at that time. Sorry for stealing your photo and for using you for my "revenge". Ha - his smile turned bitter and forced – I was such a rotten jerk then, caring just for my own ass.
- You realized?
Joohoon meant to tease him and expected at least a huff from Jiwook, but…
- I really was, wasn't I?
It didn't even sound like a question, more like a bitter statement with a quivering voice; that Joohoon thought the younger was about to cry.
Damn. He was at fault as well. His dead no less outrageous. And he did it for no reason at that.
For the first time in his life Joohoon really regretted what he did and he felt sick of himself. This regret among the ones of playing and hurting Jiwook in wrenching ways just for his own amusement – were now deeply hammered in his heart and he couldn't simply take it out. And with the time it would just be heavier and heavier.
He slumped his head down in the crook of Jiwook's neck, tightened his arms around him like that would help to ease that weight.
Maybe it did.
Right then he was completely defenseless.
- It's my fault too. In the end I was the one to make it happen.
Jiwook was visibly surprised by the elder sudden confession and to see him looking almost vulnerable in front of him made his heart ache far more.
"Joohoon, if you'd know… It's worse. More than that. I betrayed my brother. I pushed him into the abyss knowingly, eagerly even, I enjoyed seeing his pain, I stepped over his tears and blood. I watched how he was being ripped apart and I laughed.
Like a madman I laughed.
And it wasn't enough.
I displayed his misery and suffering for everyone to see, made his pain a mere joke for even the dogs would laugh at it.
No, it's worse. This sin can't be wiped even with my death – that I realized too late."
Jiwook was crying.
Uncontrollably. For a while now. His weeping and trembling so violent that you'd think someone broke him an arm or a leg. Nonetheless he tried so hard to suppress his cries, swallowing it back down, biting hard on his lip to keep it off of bursting out. He was about to choke in his sobs and heavy gasps yet he was still refusing to let go or to breath in air at least. He even put his hands on his mouth, pressing hard enough for white taints to appear on his skin.
Joohoon, worried, almost panicked, seeing Jiwook strangle himself like that and not reacting to his calls in any way.
It was like he was banned from crying and he'd rather choke than do that.
Joohoon pulled his hands away, holding it tightly as Jiwook was trying to break free and put it back.
Drops of blood fell from his ripped lip, he held his mouth close still struggling for air.
- Jiwook! JIWOOK! Breathe!
Joohoon shouted and forced Jiwook's mouth open, releasing his lip from getting torn any more, the elder's hands now cupping Jiwook's face.
- Breathe! Slowly...
Jiwook blinked, eyes wide and at last open back, drops of tears loose from his eyelashes: he was finally awake from his trance.
And breathed.
Though his sobs were in the way, he breathed again.
Joohoon sighed in relief. He took a small pack of napkins from his pocket (it seemed Joohee prepared him for any kind of situation) and began to gently wipe away his tears.
Now completely exposed to Joohoon's kindness, Jiwook couldn't hide and hold in anymore.
- It's me! I did it!*sob I hurt him so m..uch! Why?…w-hy? I was so fuckin' stupid! S-so blind! *sob Why he-… why does he n-ot beat me up, yell at me, *sob not tell everyone. He m-ust *sob at least thr-ow me a punch no? I wronged him *sob I did all that shit, fuck I'm the worst!
Jiwook felt like a child whining and fell ashamed for bursting out like that in front of Joohoon, even though he needed that so much, he could finally strip himself from any pretenses and be for once honest with himself and with Joohoon.
- Shhh...
All this time Joohoon patted him softly, continuing to wipe his overflowing tears and his messy nose, shushing and soothing him patiently.
Somehow among it, he succeeded, Jiwook now ceased to cry, his sobs slowly quietened.
Joohoon lifted him, pulled him to himself and hugged tightly, still stroking his hair and his back, the younger now on his lap, clinging like a baby bear with both his hands and legs locked on Joohoon, his face dug deep in the other's neck and shoulder.
- Hy-…ng mwh..at sh-ould I do?
Honestly Joohoon wanted to know that too. In fact they were the same, so he didn't know either.
He thought for a moment then sighed. It seemed he was learning something as well, along with Jiwook.
- I don't know, I guess you'll have to find the answer yourself… but it's okay. It'll take time. Your brother… he's alive and that's all what matters. There would be always a second chance. It'll be hard, but it's not impossible. Foxy Han, you'll just have to try, again and again. Keep on trying and hold on.
Jiwook eased his hold and faced Joohoon, starring intensely in the elder's dark eyes like all the world's secrets were hidden in there. It was mesmerizing.
- ... And you're not alone… me too. I have to search for an answer as well. So let's search together. Will you?
In a split of a second, Joohoon's words turned all his world upside down, giving him what he exactly sought so desperately.
Hope.
And he wasn't alone. Joohoon was beside him and just that thought alone lifted half of that crushing weight off his heart.
Jiwook smiled, his whole expression lightened, tears rolling down then he closed his eyes and nodded.
Joohoon returned his smile, which like a bright sunshine cleared all the maze of his own darkest thoughts and turmoil buried deep inside, ever since his mother's death.
They both were each other's salvation.
That's what love should be, no?...
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