"So, we're all straight on this; we go see Gargamel (I can't believe I'm saying this), in hopes that he possess the knowledge on how to make a golem body for Glenn to inhabit. Glenn, you know where he is and how to get there?"
I rode on the driver's seat of the wagon, as Reginax effortlessly trundled us along at a surprising rate of speed. It was easier than trying to keep up with her on foot, once my and Glenn's plan had been explained.
"I knew where he WAS…he vanished some time before my unfortunate passing… And, I'd expect the countryside has changed significantly in a millennium."
"True enough. Although technology here has seemed to pretty much stand still." I muttered in response.
"I haven't really been into many human settlements since Glenn passed. But, as far as I do know, not that many names have changed." The dragoness offered, jogging along in her black armor.
"This is all predicated on a wizard still being alive and in the same place after 10 centuries." I shook my head. Better this, than no direction at all, I expected.
"He was ancient when he summoned me, and showed no signs of slowing down when I was alive." Glenn offered, sitting beside me on the seat.
"I searched for him for many years, after your passing. Hoped that he might know a way to bring you back. But, he was gone. Not at his keep. Nowhere that I could smell or otherwise sense." Reginax said quietly.
"maybe he wasn't so much a 'where' as perhaps a 'when."
"Eh?" the ghost asked, looking puzzled.
"You can't avoid a dragon's nose, right? I mean, all sorts of supernatural ability there. Even his corpse would have been detected by her nose, if he was anywhere in the world. Right? I mean, she still would have had to track him, but, she COULD have tracked him. IF he were anywhere. Right?"
"Well, yes." she replied.
"Which means, he was nowhere. Off the planet would have still registered as 'not on this planet.' The only way to make that happen, was if he was dimensionally displaced OR, chronologically. Just for shits and giggles Reginax, can you scent Gargarmel now?" I asked.
The wagon stopped and the dragoness closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. Then opening them in shock.
"Yes! I scent him! But, I have not, all of these years! I mean, I tried actively to find him! Even after giving up on raising Glenn. But he was nowhere. But now, he is here!!"
I leaned back on the seat with a smile.
"Lady and gentleman, I submit to you, we are being lead through this maze on a short leash."
Glenn nodded thoughtfully.
"Indeed the machinations of a wizard are inscrutable indeed."
"As long as we can get Glenn a body from this geezer, I don't care what he leads me through." Reginax grunted, starting up the wagon again at an even faster pace.
I grimaced. "To an extent, I agree. But, I don't like being played with. Glenn, what exactly DID you die of?"
"Poison. It was rather agonizing, to be quite honest. It took days."
"Sorry to bring it up."
"All in the past, my friend. I am here now, with my love. Past pains are meaningless to me now." He grinned.
I nodded and smiled back.
"Where are we headed, then?"
"It seems," the dragoness replied, 'to his old keep. That is the direction I am getting, anyway."
"Far?"
"Not really. A few hours. Take a nap. We'll be there by the time you wake up."
"Good idea. Glenn…"
"Yes Sir?"
"No fornicating out in the open. Seriously. I don't want to wake up naked in the middle of a field. If you're gonna stop to do that, set up the damned tent." I stated flatly.
The sheepish look I got in response told me that if I hadn't said something, I probably would have awakened naked in a field. Again. Not even a hospital gown on. Frikkin horny bastard.
******************************************************************************
I woke up several hours later, in a tent. Naked, of course. Reginax rapped around me, sleeping softly. Wincing, I disentangled myself again, from the dragoness and rose. I stuck my head outside the tent. Nighttime. Behind me, the woman stirred.
"Relax. I warded the area. No one can sense our presence, let along invade the space. Come back to bed and rest. " She murmured.
I twitched. She obviously knew it was me, and not her love. Hesitantly, I returned to the furs and blankets and crawled in, purposely keeping myself well away from her incredible curves.
"Prude." She chuckled, reaching out and dragging me relentlessly into her embrace.
Oi. Middle of the night wood, now.
I lay still in her arms, struggling to will myself back to sleep. Or begging Glenn to reassert control, so that I wouldn't break my own vows. She did NOT make it easy. Silently, I screamed in my mind –
*GLENN! GODDAMNIT. GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!!*
And just like that, my consciousness shut off.
********************************************************************************************
When next I awoke, I was fully dressed, and sitting on the wagon, which was stationary, in front of what looked like a barrow mound. Or a small mountain. Not sure which to say, really…
"Ah! Welcome back sleeping beauty." The dragoness laughed. Boy, getting laid regularly really put this one in a good mood.
"Yeah." My voice was gravelly. I rooted around behind me in the bed of the wagon for the waterskin we had, and treated myself to a drink. A warm, funky tasting drink. Didn't know that water from a waterskin ended up tasting like whatever animal donated its hide for it. Nasty. Maybe I could invent the steel canteen…
"Is this it? Are we here?' I asked, climbing down from my perch.
Glenn appeared and nodded.
"This is the place. Looks exactly the same as it did."
Reginax sniffed the air.
"He is here."
"Oi! Gargamel! It's Glenn Edirol! Let us in!"
For a few moments, nothing. Then, movement. The side of the mound itself began to flow like mud, and rearrange itself into an opening. A barrow.
I shrugged.
"Guess he heard you."
"Excellent. I would have hated to have to rip my way in to get at him." The she dragon growled, stalking forward.
Typical woman. Happy one second, ready to maim and mutilate the next,
I followed behind and Glenn walked along in front of us. Probably it was best if he went first.
"Come in! Come in Glenn!" A cackling old voice….shit. He SOUNDED like the cartoon Gargamel. Keeping a straight face was going to be tough…
The tunnel opened out into a large-ish chamber, filled to bursting with alchemical gear and other sorted nonsense, most of which I have no clue about. Scurrying here and there was an elderly man, in a brown cloak. He was going bald on top, in a perfect circle. Shit. He LOOKED like Gargamel. This was just WRONG.
Short and frail looking, the wizard tottered up to us and went to hug the ghost. Reginax caught him as he fell through Glenn's ghostly figure.
"AH! I assume this is what you've come to see me about? Thank you my dear." He chuckled, pulling away from her grasp and turning to face the hero he summoned a thousand year before.
"I died, Gargs. A thousand years ago. I need your help."
"WHAT?!? Nonsense. I JUST saw you a few weeks ago!! Although…there is something strange about the environment outside, right now. I WAS on a desert. It seems I am surrounded by trees, now…"
"It is true, Mr…. Gargamel. I was summoned as well, just a few short days ago. The village where Glenn was entombed is falling down with age. Only the tomb itself has survived the time."
The elderly man stood silent for a moment, frowning. Then he patted Reginax's hand on his shoulder. She let him go and he moved deeper into the chamber, motioning us to follow.
"It hasn't been a thousand years for me. Unless…I've been displaced in time without my knowledge or consent."
He stopped in front of a large, very shallow bowl, balanced on a tall pedestal. Muttering to himself, he passed his hand many times over it. The liquid laying therein seemed to shimmer and change color. He squinted at it, seeming to examine it on a minute level.
"Fruck. You're right. It's a thousand years." He spun around in a rage. "BUT WHO. Who could do this to ME??" Gargamel raged.
"Hrm. It would seem he's not the one pulling the strings, then." I muttered to myself, as the ancient little man slammed things around on his workbench.
"More questions to be answered. Patience. We dragons specialize in long term patience. Or we wouldn't live that long. Lol." Reginax crossed her arms and chuckled.
"Bah!" Gargamel shouted, his voice shaking. "I should have been paying more attention to my surroundings. Someone had it in for me, and THIS is the result. Now, I can't even go BACK!!"
"No. I have not sensed you in a thousand years. I have tried MANY times. I mean, not every day…" the dragoness shrugged.
I looked around til my eye lit on a chair that looked sturdy enough to hold me. Walking over, I plopped into it.
"Something is coming." They all turned to look at me.
"There is a reason we've all been herded here. I was granted life after death. Reginax was placed into a mysterious trap that I got her out of. We went to a crumbling village, only to find the thousand year old spirit of her true love still waiting for her there. AND, we find you, Short and balding, missing for a millennium. Too much coincidence. WAY too much."
"Balding?!?" the wizard sputtered, putting his hand to his head. "BUGGERERS!!!" he shrieked, slapping his other hand up there and feeling the massive hairless area.
Glenn snorted and turned away.
"He was always that bald, correct?" Reginax whispered, too loudly. The ghost nodded in affirmation, trying not to laugh out loud.
"I don't want to know why you didn't know that…" I sighed. Shaking my head.
"I'm a conjurer! A master of the mystic arts! Why am I supposed to have to pay attention to such mundane things!! "
"Because if you don't, you end up looking like a cartoon character who fails at capturing and eating smurfs."
Everyone looked at me rather puzzled.
"Oh good. At least those annoying, little blue bastards don't exist here."
******************************************************************************************
"Letsseeeeeeee…golem. Golem. Golem. AH! Here it is. Yes. Several different grades. We will need to modify a bit for this, I think. Hrm." Gargamel was pouring through a ridiculously large book, high atop a desk, which resided several feet above our heads. Kinda like a bad play on Disneys Mickey sequence in the Magician's Apprentice cartoon.
"What ingredients do we need, Baldy?" I yawned. The wizard glared at me and rubbed his naked head.
"Stop bringing that up. I am a sensitive soul, you know."
"Magician, cure thyself."
"I don't think that's the proper quote…" Glenn muttered.
"I paraphrased."
"Bones. Blood. Not too particular about what kind. Although the stronger the critter we use, the stronger he'll be…" the diminutive wizard attempted to ignore us, and continue with his work.
"Mine." Reginax rumbled, from her comfy couch, where the ghost of her dead lover lounged against her massive frame. "I doubt you find blood more powerful than mine."
"We do already have his original bones." I added.
"That will work. And dirt. Hrm. This might be interesting. It says here average everyday earth will work just fine. Let's try and up the quality of that. What about dirt from the Valley of the Demon?"
"Oi now, come on Gargs!! I don't want to get anyone killed!" Glenn spoke up.
"Not a problem. We can handle that." The dragoness shushed her lover with a smile.
"Just a thought. Dirt from that realm, mixed with YOUR blood would make a powerful golem indeed." Gargamel explained.
"What about infusing his bones with adamantide?" everyone looked at me strangely.
"You are familiar with alchemy?"
"Not specifically." I shrugged. "I have an interest in a wide variety of subjects. MOST of which were utter hogwash in the world I came from. Just thought it might be interesting. Yes? No?"
"Well, if we could GET some adamantite, it would be most excellent. But again, that element is not particularly easy to acquire…" the little wizard mused.
"Reginax, you can sniff some out, right?"
The Queen of the Black Dragon flight glared at me.
"I am not a super-bloodhound you know." Then her face broke out into a beautiful smile. 'But yes. I can indeed. Annoyed I didn't think of it first. Thought, I think it will be another battle to acquire, once we arrive at where there is some."
Glenn looked unhappy. "I don't really want to get people hurt or killed in the process."
"It's all good. It won't be US getting hurt or killed." I smiled and looked over at the dragon Queen. She issued a toothy smile of her own and nodded in agreement.
"Oh! That reminds me, this sword belongs to Glenn. I want to return it to him, as soon as he's able to pick it up. Would you happen to have something around here I can use?"
"HAH! Fancy you asking that. Collecting legendary swords is a major hobby of mine!" Gargamel leapt spryly down from his perch and scurried off into the darkness he was back moments later, pushing a rather large… gun safe? On wheels. He fiddled with a lock and proudly swung the doors open to reveal a room within the safe, that was apparently as large as the area we were standing in.
"Ah. Bigger on the inside."
"Pocket dimension. Borrowed the idea from a Doctor friend of mine."
"Say no more. We're already going to get sued for copyright infringement…" I grumbled.
"Swords…swords…swords…SWORD! Here. Take a look. What's your fancy? Anduril, sword of King Elessar. And then I have Glamdring. OH! AND Orchrist! Or The Sword of Omens. Excalibur. Sword of the Headless Horseman…"
"Wait…wouldn't that be a cursed blade?"
"No no. He got a lot of bad press, but was really a nice guy. Totally Fake news. Not a cursed sword. Not at all. Moving on, I have Lancelot Du Lac's sword, Joyeux. The Sword of Shannara…"
"I can hear the damned lawyers circling."
"Stormbringer…"
"…"
"The Sword of Godric Gryffindor…"
"sued into infinity…"
"Prince Adam's Sword of Power…"
"He-man? Come on now…"
"And a couple of swords from a guy name Kirito. Not too familiar with those, but they looked nifty. So I took em!" the wizard cackled.
"…I'll go with The Horseman's Sword."
"Good choice! I rather fancy it myself, if I were a ham handed meat shield."