I sat sipping my coffee, lonely and defeated, letting my lungs inflate and deflate repeatedly as time passed by, more so hoping they would deflate and never fill again.
My mind raced back and forth. All these possibilities and nothing to rationalize what exactly is happening.
Maybe I wasn't good enough and no one cared enough.
Maybe I wasn't stick thin enough like the other girls in school, size zero and below with the perfect model body.
Maybe I just wasn't pretty enough for anyone to even glance at, even if I tried hard enough.
The waitress arrived at my table for probably the thousandth time, I actually lost count after fifty-seven. I kept count by tearing apart my napkin each time the waitress walked past my table. This made small paper confetti I could count until I ran out of paper. I stared longingly into the black cup of coffee, now cold. With a small glance away from even acknowledging any presence of life in the large café room, she retreated to the kitchen again with a sad and almost a look of pity in her eyes. Something you never would want to see from within the eyes of any passerby, let alone one of the most cheery waitress.
Maybe being such a nerd pushes people away, it isn't normal for a girl to be nerdy like the guys. Nobody wants to talk to me about anything, fearing that I'll butt into the conversation with my all-knowing lectures of the truth. I think I could play Jeopardy and win, a few times even.
Maybe it's because I'm just ugly in general.
Maybe it's because I have insanely green colored eyes that seem to scare people some days. They say it's like I stare into their souls when I make simple eye contact. Which is obviously way too fun to make fun of. I mean of course, why not make fun of the Swan Lake Princess when she's stuck as a goose?
Maybe I'm not even a princess or the ugly duckling.
Just ugly.
Or maybe it's because I don't have the perfect barbie blonde hair like every other girl in school. Only dark brown curls that are always in a tangle, getting in everyone's way behind me. Especially since it falls down to the middle of my back. Don't even think of brushing it. That'll make things worse. I honestly don't know why I try anymore.
I pushed up my glasses while wiping away my falling tears. I know a few of them had already made their way to my single cup of coffee, and I still sipped from it regardless. No care coming from any of the aching bones in my body. I know I had been sitting still and in the same position for too long of a time by now. But I couldn't bring myself to get up yet. Why couldn't I just teleport away?
Beam me up.
Some of the girls from school came in for slices of pie, or cake, each giggling the whole time. They would pull up their phones and snap pictures not trying to hide it at all, knowing full well that I could easily see them. Some even used their flash for the picture and made a big deal as if they forgot completely and hoped that they hadn't been caught by their actions. They didn't care about being seen, it was more satisfying for them in the end if I did see.
I pulled my phone from my pocket and tightened my cardigan around my body. It was Saturday, already five o'clock in the afternoon. Jason, the new kid in town, as of three months ago, asked me to lunch at Merry Mary's cafe. It was a cute place that stopped aging in the twenties. I did the calculations, he was new and probably didn't know the place yet. But also, the popular kids come here most often after school for shakes and fries. It's easy to notice from the road, and people from all around the state come for our famous steaks and shakes. Especially with our all natural farms with the best beef around.
He should've been here by now.
I got stood up.
Not forgotten.
That explains the gaggle of high schoolers watching me so closely.
Right?
It had to have been all a trick to have someone ask me for a lunch date only to not show up only to allow the rest of the school to show up and mock my loneliness.
I covered my mouth trying not to whimper seeing my phone. It was linked to a post to look at myself sitting in the corner facing the corner as well. Across from me was a small ghost emoji, captioned, 'Lil Lilith needs a date anyone willing?' The comments beneath it were an array of 'no,' 'nope,' 'who would want to sit with her' 'looks like she got what she deserves' 'no one would ever want to be there with her' 'princess hasn't found the right frog' 'ew, what frog would kiss that toad' 'looks like her lake froze over' 'she needs to just let go' 'I thought that was the trend she was going for' 'what a sad mess' the list went on. I felt every nerve of my body twitch in anger and sadness.
My mind was made.
Set.
Finalized.
The waitress returned and handed me the check for my coffee. I looked up with tears streaming down my cheeks, "Thank you," I managed a smile before wiping my eyes with my sleeve. I gave a small look downwards at the check that was written on with pink sharpie, 'already paid for' where the price for $1.50 plus tax was printed. My soul was in pain. I wanted to yell at the waitress while wanting to hug her at the same time. I nodded a bit before deciding to finally get up to leave. I pulled my hair in front of my face before I decided to head out of the restaurant. I was shrouded by dark curls that aided in blocking the other girls harsh glares and smiles.
It was a sure good thing that I rarely wear makeup. Otherwise my face would've been a mascara melt down.
Abigail, the girls' leader stood up and started a slow clap that caused most of the people from her group started in on the clap. Abigail laughed and waved as I left the place. "About time you gave up again! People like you will never find love!" She laughed more mockingly but gave a serious glare to anyone who didn't laugh with her. She was a true coercer of all sorts. Not many liked her, but none dared to ever fight against her, aside from two possibly.
My everything crushed.
Was I destined to be alone forever after all?
I'd rather fall off the face of the earth and never be seen or heard of again. I just want to fly away from this place.
Never to be seen again.
Please?