I crouched down in the corner, feeling deflated of all life. I held my knees to my chest, trying to hold everything inside of me instead of scaring people away again. Anything I tried wasn't working to calm myself down.
The world started to spin and my head ached like I was bashed over the head with a baseball bat. Not to mention starting to have a panic attack that my skin crawled off of me, burning alive as I dug my nails into my shoulders. My mind began racing a mile a minute, leaving me dizzy and lost about what was going on around me even. I leaned my head back trying to take a deep breath in the middle of hyperventilating, even though I was sure it wasn't going to help me in the end. Gripping my chest, I let my eyes wander around watching the darkening sky above. The trees swayed like ghosts off in the distance. Living in this area for years, I always could tell when a storm was brewing. This one looked to be a thick foggy storm with thunder that could cause an earthquake. I didn't remember anything like this in the forecast, but here in South Dakota, it can change in minutes.
I clenched my nails into my knees and tried to pull myself forward instead. I couldn't muster up the courage to get up, but still I sat and wrapped my arms under my knees and legs. I could only fidget my limbs some, nothing special.
Not long after my disappearance I knew Jayne was out searching for me. I could hear here off around the corner calling my name. I tried calling out to her only to realize my voice was cracking and too soft to be heard. I wheezed out a few coughs into my palm then rubbed my throat. In the light, I had noticed that my hand was dark. My first thought was that I ruined my makeup. Being so anxious, my breathing still picked up rapidly and never fully relaxed. I felt the irony taste down my throat and gritted my teeth swallowing some of the mucus like substance in my throat. That time the iron taste was full on present in my mouth. Oh, I hope it's not anything like having bronchitis again. I wheezed and started to crawl forward in order to stand up.
Nothing was working, my legs were numb, dead, and yet here I sat still alive. I turned around trying to use the wall to support my shaking body.
"Lillith…"
I whipped my head over, I heard my name being called but no one was even around. I couldn't help but to just sit holding my temples with my palms while curling up in a fetal position. It was a female voice, I'm sure of it. Just not Jayne.
As I lay staring at the ground around me, I felt frozen. In the grass around me, I saw a glimmer of light. Confused, I reached out towards it to finally realize it was a knife. Just an old kitchen knife sitting out in the grass, it looked fairly new, probably something from the building's kitchen. I pulled it out of the ground, I surely would've noticed this from the beginning I thought, but obviously in the midst of my psycho freak out I didn't pay attention to any of my surroundings.
"Do it…"
I flinched, dropping the knife into the ground again. My voice cracked as I whimpered. I didn't know what to do. The voice was much closer and defined in my ear. I remember everyone saying the place was haunted.
This time my skin crawled from being more frightened than anything this time. I eyed the blade and something almost took over me.
"No one cares anymore…"
I felt the water works start back up after finally calming down. I wasn't in control of my body anymore, something took over me.
I knew what took over my everything. The pain of the world started weighing down my emotions. I couldn't handle it anymore. I hiked up my skirt to my thighs bringing the blade to my scars already. Nothing could stop me this time. I just needed to escape this life, it was my only solution to get away from everything. The peace that normally is there, wasn't.
"You can do better…"
I covered my mouth crying out my pain, "Shut up…" I could only whisper, but I finally got it out.
"Worthless…"
I looked forward to letting go of all this built up pain. Angry I stabbed my newly found knife into my thigh. I yelped in pain hitting the back of my head on the wall behind me. Wincing only some, I figured the pain was diminished only due to my not wanting to find joy in all emptiness anymore.
I opened my eyes calmly and looked down to my bloodied leg only to see a hand where I had stabbed into my leg. I didn't believe in life anymore. I looked up even more angry at the face in front of me. "What exactly are you doing?"
After removing the knife, I held the knife close to my chest flat against my torso. I froze moments before my brain dropped off the face of the earth the second my brain actually processed the image crouched before me. I grunted shifting my weight and staring at my leg.
"What was I doing? I don't understand. I haven't had those urges in over a year… Why did you stop me?" I stammered out my sentences but more so seemed worried about the kid I just stabbed.
"Just keep your voice down. Okay? I'll explain later." Dark long hair covered his face, but I still could tell it was the same guy from the Café. He put some pressure from his palm onto my cut.
Quickly, I swatted his hand away, "I don't need your help! I'm just going to go back to Jayne…"
The boy grabbed my wrist tightly holding me still, "Stop acting like a child. You're bleeding. Let me take you inside so we can get away."
"Get away from what?" I paid no mind to my cuts, I watched the blood trickle away from my thigh and be engulfed by the ground. "I feel dizzy. I think I'm going to throw up"
The kid nodded in my direction of view of my leg. Carefully he opened and closed the hand I had stabbed, and he blocked it. His hand didn't look bloody, in fact it didn't even have the stab wound anymore. I stared confused at his hand before reaching out to him. His icy hand lay in my palm for a minute until I felt my body start to numb.
"Jayne's inside. She can help me. Or Ian…" I tipped my head into his chest as his left hand pulled my body close. He scooped me up to his chest then walked through the back door out of sight from something he kept watching behind me. Every time I would turn my head, to look over where he had a wary eye on the trees, he would tuck me even closer to him. We entered the old smoking lounge to only shut the door for privacy. He carefully laid me over on a loveseat, tucking a pillow under my head for comfort.
"Shit. What do I do now?"
I looked up only to see the boy holding his hands folded behind the back of his head, then continuously pace back and forth. I kept watching him, occasionally he would bend over tuck his face to his knees then stand back up.
"I don't know what I'll tell my aunt now. Oh. I'm so, so screwed."
I tried to sit up and the only progress was lifting my arm up a bit over my head before I noticed I felt poisoned and loopy, like I had just been bitten by a snake. My arm went limp, after knowing I couldn't do anything, at all, I let it slump back down to the floor. "Jayne…" I called out only in another whisper while feeling numb. Once the guy stopped pacing, he dropped down to his knees slowly next to me and hiked up my dress over my thigh once again. Carefully he used a handkerchief from his pocket to start cleaning off my cut. I winced from the pain, yet I was used to the feeling to begin with. Before watching him, I realized he was leaning over my leg as if it was a fresh stake off of the grill. He kept biting his lip and occasionally turning his head away from me while cleaning it off.
The door slammed open and I saw a face that could save my day and bring me joy each time I see her, "Jayne…"
I don't think I could ever forget the look in her eyes. Ever. Have you ever seen a momma bear tear a man apart when they got too close to one of her cubs? Yeah, that look. Her eyes were two blazing infernos. Jayne was ready to tear this guy to bits, scatter them over the state in the forests, and never tell a soul. I know for a fact her blood was boiling. She clenched her fists while bolting towards the guy leaning over my lower half. I was almost afraid of what she was going to do. Let alone if Ian saw me. He's become my big brother as well as Jayne, my forever sister.
Jayne had her claws at this guy's throat in seconds. She placed him in a head lock while pinning one of his arms around behind his body and used her legs to restrain him to the ground. Once she had a good grip while sitting on him, she twisted her fingers in his long locks of hair enough towards the scalp to pull back his head from the ground. "What the hell do you think you're doing? I'll kill you!"
I could see him wincing while gritting his teeth together by only his jaw tensing up. He looked up to Jayne, "It's not what you think."
"Oh, it's not what I think? Huh? My absolute best friend went missing for almost over an hour and that's all you can say to me?" I couldn't believe I was gone for an hour. It didn't feel like that at all. Before he could answer, Jayne yanked his head closer to his to see him better. "What did you think you were gonna do with her? Have a fun time? Ruin her life?"
"I already did that unless you let me help her, you crazy bat!" The guy looked up at me for a second before having his face pummeled into the floor. He muffled something angrily then was lifted back up again only to meet Jayne's fist to his jaw.
I gasped as I watched the guy who just stopped me from cutting my leg open and going through my femoral artery. No one would've been able to help me if I did manage to cut through it. Less than four minutes I would've been in the land of peace.
Hopefully.
I mean everyone can see your wrists, not everyone sees your legs. Plus it's stupid to try and cutting at your wrists like all the fancy suicides are. You'll bleed out in almost half an hour or more. And that's only if you cut horizontally and hit both your radial and ulnar arteries. Otherwise if you only hit one, your body has a most natural way to stop you from dying. Basically, you'll heal yourself quicker than you'll die. Whereas, the femoral artery is a lot bigger and supports more blood flow throughout your body rather than your wrist. The largest is your aorta, regardless it's just as dangerous as your thigh. I looked down to my leg the blood oozing out from it again.
Was this finally it?
Am I dying?