When I arrived to Kedron's room this morning, there was tension in the air. Everyone seemed on edge and was very proper and polite. If I didn't know better, I'd say state was here for a survey, but I didn't see any evidence of that. I sat at Kedron's bedside, "good morning K," I said in greeting.
"Is it?" Was his snarky response.
I was dumbstruck, unsure how to respond. "What do you mean 'is it'," I asked with a slight attitude in my voice. The same kind of attitude I detected in Kedron's voice.
"Is it a nice morning?" His voice started out conversational, but became louder with each word until he was yelling at the end, "because from where I'm laying...frankly, it...sucks...a$$!"
I'm sure my eyes were big as saucers and my mouth was gaping open in shock. Where was this anger coming from? Was this what Wam had mentioned before about stages of grief? "Kedron, please lower your voice. I'm sorry if I upset you, but no need to yell."
He continued to spout expletives until finally yelling, "Kynlee, you need to...just go. Your not Mom. Go live your life and leave me to die. I don't want anyone's pity. Just....go!"
What could I say to that? I've been here for him this whole time and now he is kicking me out? To make matters worse, in walks a smiling Dr. Adams and her entourage of resident physicians. She asked, "is now a bad time Kedron?"
Kedron shifted his eyes from her to me and responded, "no, Kynlee was just leaving. Come on in." Kedron sneered at me. My twin that had always been by my side, always been my closest ally, and always had my back, told me to leave.
I felt like someone punched me in the stomach and took all the air from my lungs. I locked gazes with a female resident who gave me a look of sympathy. That's all it took me to get the strength to stand up and exit the room. The door clicked behind me as someone shut it. The door closing felt symbolic. It felt like a sign that life as I knew it was over.
I walked out to the waiting room and sat down in a corner away from everyone else and pulled out my cell phone. I began to type a text before I even realized who I was messaging.
Kynlee: Kedron kicked me out. He is yelling and swearing and told me to leave. I'm sorry...you're probably busy. I'm just upset and you were the first person who came to mind. I hope your day is going well. Sure could use a hug.
I didn't get a response back right away, so he likely is in surgery. How stupid and weak of me to text him anyway. Wam has done enough for me. Did he need to support me emotionally too? I wipe the tears from my eyes with my sleeve, then decide to go into the bathroom to splash some water on my face.
As I look up after patting my face dry, I see Nurse Nancy enter. She looks surprised to see me, but smiles. She waits until the door closes, then approaches me. "I'm glad I caught you Kynlee. I cannot tell you much, but your brother has made it clear we are no longer to discuss his health issues with anyone but him. He has even revoked permission for us to inform people who may call, other than you, that he is here. Please don't take it personally, but now that he is awake, we need to follow his instructions."
"I just don't understand why he is being like this..." I admitted in confusion. I had turned to talk to Nurse Nancy and rested my hip against the sink I'd just used. I balled up my paper towel and shot it into the round hole in the middle of the garbage can lid. I felt my hip becoming wet and looked down to see my jeans were wet from leaning against the sink. "Ah crap," I said in frustration.
"Hey, it's just water. It'll dry," she encouraged while continuing to smile. "I was looking for you and thought I'd missed you. I'm glad I didn't, but I need to hurry. I told the resident I was using the restroom." Nurse Nancy winked at me and I couldn't help but smile in return. She held out pamphlets to me and pointed to each as she explained, "this one will explain the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA). This one is about head injuries and the changes people can undergo after a traumatic brain injury or TBI. This last one is about paralysis, helping loved ones to deal with the stages of grief surrounding sudden and unexpected paralysis, and navigating through treatments and rehabilitation. It's lengthy, but it's good information. I need to get back, but I hope these help."
Nurse Nancy turned to leave but turned back, "can I give you a hug Kynlee?" I couldn't speak over the lump in my throat, so I just nodded. Her arms enveloped me in a big, tight embrace that touched my soul.
"Take care of yourself Kynlee," Nancy whispered, turned, and slipped out the door.
Well I had stopped crying. Why is it that acts of kindness make me cry? I feel weak when I cry and I hate it! I decide to give Kedron some time and space as he requested and walked back out to Kedron's truck, well our truck, that I had driven this morning. I decided maybe now would be a good time to call Sebastian and see when he had an opening to fix or replace the flat tire on Wam's car. Luckily for me, they have an opening this afternoon.
With this new information, I decide to return home to the cabin until the auto appointment.
I hang all my clothing in the closet except for my intimates and unmentionables, which I placed in the dresser. That was a good job to get done for sure. I dragged the empty boxes downstairs and removed the tape. Do I recycle or keep the boxes for when I have to move from the cabin? For now I guess I'll place them in the shed. For all I know, I could be moving sooner than I thought, the way things are going with my brother.
When I return from the shed, I see a text flashing on my phone.
Dr. Wam Teton: I'm sorry you had a rough morning. Try to remember anger is a normal part of the grief process. Sorry it took me so long to respond, I was in surgery.
I fire back a quick response.
Kynlee: Please don't apologize. I shouldn't bother you at work anyway. Have a good day Wam.
No quicker had I sent the text and set my phone down than it began to ring. I pushed the green button and placed it to my ear, "hello?"
Wam did not sound pleased, "Lee, I told you to call me anytime, and I meant it. A text is fine too, but I don't get to texts right away when I'm in surgery. I gave you the switchboard number to have them page me right? So why..."
I finally had to interrupt him, "Wam...Wam..Wam!" I got louder and more insistent each time I said his name. He finally stopped talking to listen.
"It wasn't an emergency, and I didn't need to call you. Thank you, but it's okay. I'm upset yes, but at least Kedron is safe. If he was home, I'd be much more worried," I admit.
"It'll be a long time before he goes home, but if you're that concerned, maybe that's a good thing." I hear Wam sigh before he continues, "I just wish I could be there to comfort you. We would both feel better if we could hold each other."
" Are you okay? What's going on with you," I ask. Sometimes I must seem so selfish. I never even asked how his day was going. Of course he is dealing with a lot with his sister and nephew.
I hear Wam take a deep breath before he says, "uncles are not supposed to have favorites. That being said, Hal was my first nephew. He has always been so loving and energetic. He always gave me smiles and hugs and we just clicked. He was my little buddy at family gatherings and I've taken him on outings..." Wam sighed again and I heard rustling on the other end of the line. I didn't say anything, just waited.
When Wam spoke again, his voice was softer and sounded pained. "This isn't the same kid as before the accident. God Lee, it's like he has no emotions now. His face is always expressionless, and even if he talks to me, there is little to no inflection in his tone. I'm a doctor, a surgeon....this shouldn't bother me. Yet...it does. It bothers me so much I spend half my time controlling my emotions so I can keep a level head."
"Wam, you are human. Honestly, I'd be more worried if you had no emotions," I replied. "I'm sorry this is hard for you, but I get it. Could you turn his case over to another doctor? Someone you trust?"
"I'm not officially his doctor. Officially I'm just the surgeon who operated on him twice. I just feel this sense of responsibility to take care of him. Alec isn't Hal's father. He calls him Dad, but his dad ran off because he cared more about drinking than his family. So I tried hard to be his male role model. Now, I feel like I failed him," he admits in a deep, husky voice. Was this what Wam sounded like when he became emotional? I wanted to wrap my arms around him. So quietly I barely heard him, he admitted, "I wish you were here."
I put my hand over my mouth to avoid an audible gasp at Wam's admission. Could it be that I gave him as much comfort as he gave me? I could only hope. Wait, why couldn't I go there tonight? It's only about an hour. Kedron has kicked me out anyway.
"Would you like me to come visit you tonight Wam?" I ask in a timid voice.
"I'd love that Lee, but you don't have to do that," he retorts.
"What if I want to come see you? Are you busy this evening? I have to change the tire on the car at 3pm, but I could come after that," I offer hopefully.
"So you'd be here by five or six? If you want to, I won't turn you away. I could grab supper on the way home. You really want to come?" he asks like he can't quite believe it.
"Send me the address and I'll get there as soon as possible," I answer. I cannot help the smile that lights up my face, knowing I'm going to go see Wam tonight. The night was now looking up!
I ran back upstairs to pack a bag, then laid down to read the pamphlets Nurse Nancy gave me.
The strong emotions from this morning must have worn me out, because I woke up at 2:30pm with the pamphlet laying on the bed next to me. Packed bag in hand, I rushed to Simonson's, arriving at exactly 3pm.
Sebastian came back into the shop with my keys and a huge smile. "Two new tires and a rotation, all ready to go."
" Two?" I gasped, "you were only suppose to replace the flat." I took a deep breath to keep my temper in check. "What do I owe you?"
Sebastian began to laugh. "He didn't tell you?"
Crossing my arms over my chest I asked, "who? Tell me what?"