I heard yelling as we neared Kedron's room., and I recognized it as Kedron's voice. As we stepped into the room, I stepped up to Kedron's bedside, met his eyes and asked, "what seems to be the problem?"
Kedron's eyes were large, his breathing was rapid, and I could see and hear he appeared upset. Nurse Chloe, as it stated on her badge, seemed quite flustered by the angry patient in the bed. Kedron didn't say anything initially, but then took a couple deep breaths as he stared at me.
"K, I asked what the problem is..." I repeated.
"I'm just mad. No big deal," Kedron said as he continued to try to calm himself down but looked anything but calm.
Dr. Wam Teton stepped up to the bed on the other side and attempted to break the tension, "good afternoon Kedron. Not sure if you remember me from yesterday? I'm Dr. Teton."
Kedron looked from me to Dr. Teton and glared at him. "Kedron, is there something in particular you are upset about today?"
Kedron appeared to grit his teeth before answering, "I don't know. I'm just so...angry and frustrated. "Kedron closed his eyes as he said the last part of his admission.
"You've been through a lot. Yesterday you finally woke up, today they took out the breathing tube. I've no doubt your situation is very frustrating for you. I do have to ask that you try not to yell at our staff though please."
"Of course. I'm not usually one to yell, but it just came out." Kedron swallowed noticeably and opened his eyes. "Nurse Chloe, please forgive me. I'm sorry for losing my cool."
Nurse Chloe said in a meek voice, "apology accepted. Thank you Kedron. Wam, is it okay if I step out a few minutes?"
"Yes, of course. I'll remain here until you return," Wam answered with a reassuring smile.
"Kedron, something you need to know, is that head injuries can mess with your emotions, increase impulsiveness, and specifically make it more difficult to control your anger and outbursts. Hopefully it'll get easier with time, but try to keep that in mind when you start to feel angry, okay?"
I stood and watched the interaction between the two and marveled at how good Wam is at explaining and talking Kedron down. Again, I feel lucky to have Wam on this case and willing to help me with Kedron.
"Did Dr. Armani discuss rehabilitation with you yet? Now that we got the culture results and know you're being treated with the right antibiotic,
You seem to continue to improve from the pneumonia, and you're breathing without the breathing tube, we can start your rehabilitation and discuss options," Dr. Teton explained in a professional, matter of fact tone.
"Hey, as far as I'm concerned," Kedron said, "the quicker I can get out of this bed and back on my feet, the better."
Wam's eyes met mine and he seemed to be trying to tell me something with his eyes, but I wasn't sure what. Wam cleared his throat but didn't say anymore, so I took the lead to change the subject, "we organized Wam's shed this morning, so we can store our stuff in it. I'm not working right now because I've been here, but I will get another job as soon as you are well enough I don't need to be around so much."
"You're putting our stuff in his shed? Where are you living then? Oh my God Kynlee..." I heard what sounded like sobs before he continued talking in a strained voice. "I'm so sorry I put you in this position. I just don't understand... I've fallen before but never ended up in the hospital and certainly never broke my neck. Why was this time different?"
I looked up and met Wam's eyes, pleading with him to answer.
Dr. Teton seemed to understand as he met Kedron's gaze and explained, "the issue was where and how you landed Kedron. You got a head injury on the front and right side of your head as well fracturing your top two vertebrae. Those fractures put pressure on the spinal cord and seem to have injured it. We are unable to predict how serious your injuries are, but one option is surgery to fuse your vertebrae, take any pressure off your spinal cord, and make a protective column around the cord."
Wam glanced up, so I asked, "what are Kedron's best chances for regaining feeling and movement?"
"Well, I think fusing the vertebrae to protect the spinal cord from further pressure or injury is his best bet, but ultimately, the decision will be up to Kedron." I simply nod at his explanation.
Kedron jumped right in, "how soon can I have the surgery? If it's my best bet, why didn't you do it when I came in?"
Dr. Teton again took the lead, "you were too weak for surgery when you were admitted."
I couldn't help being overrun with emotions as I admitted, "Kedron, I almost lost you. The day they brought you in, you coded. They brought you back but then you developed ventilator dependent pneumonia and that complicated things further. I was so happy when they called and said you were awake. I love you!"
Kedron appeared to grit his teeth and think before he said in a low, angry tone, "if you loved me, you'd have let me die. Why would you make me live like this Kynlee? Why?" Tears could be seen running from Kedron's eyes, down his temples, and cheeks. I'm not sure I've seen Kedron cry since he broke his nose in junior high. He didn't even cry when our parents died. I have no idea how to respond, so I don't say anything, but I feel tears stinging my eyes as well.
Wam grabs a couple kleenexes and dabs Kedron's cheeks and temples. He attempts to dry the wetness that had pooled in his ears as well. Kedron gives a begrudging, "thanks."
"Kedron, if you're serious about a 'do not resuscitate order', I can have the social worker or Minister come and help you fill it out. Then if you were to code again, we would let you rest In peace."
Kedron simply said, "yes please."
"No! Kedron, you aren't quite twenty years old, and you want a DNR? That's crazy!" I exclaimed.
Kedron simply glared at me, but said nothing.
Wam asked, "I'd like to do an examination on you Kedron. Is it okay if Kynlee stays?"
Kedron met Wam's eyes and answered, "no offense, but I'd prefer she left the room."
"Okay, no problem. Lee, can you please go to the waiting room and I'll come get you when we are done?"
I nod and leave the room just as Nurse Chloe is returning. Sure, I cannot be there, but he allows her to be there... grr now I'm ornery too. Thanks a lot Kedron! I need to shake this frustration before I return to his room. I keep repeating to myself, 'positive thoughts only."
About fifteen minutes later, Wam comes out and sits by me with a sympathetic look on his face. He studies me but doesn't say anything. Finally I can't take it anymore, "what?" I ask.
"I hope you realize he is angry at the situation and his uncertain future and not you right?"
"Wam, am I selfish for fighting to keep him alive?" I take a deep breath before continuing, "I mean...I was thinking of myself. Not losing my last living relative. I never once considered the kind of life he would have once this was all said and done."
Wam grabbed my hand and sighed before he spoke. "This is a difficult situation no matter how you look at it. Nineteen year olds do not anticipate things like this. I bet you never discussed 'what if'. Am I right?"
I shake my head as I suck my bottom lip in between my teeth.
"Unfortunately that's typical. Nineteen year olds, especially males, generally still feel invincible like nothing they can do will hurt them. That's not true obviously, but most feel that way. Lee, I think you did the best you could with what you were given, and no one can fault you for that."
I give a rather sarcastic laugh, "oh, but Kedron seems to have no problem blaming me.
Wam squeezed my hand slightly to get my attention, "I just told you...you're a safe person for him to unload on. I was serious too when I told him it's common for head injuries to cause a hair trigger and anger issues. What happened to Kedron isn't your fault, and his current condition isn't your fault. He landed badly when he fell. That's how the injury occurred. Kedron could fall a million more times and never repeat what happened, but it did, and we cannot change that." Wam gave me a sympathetic look and moved his free hand to my shoulder. "All you can do is love him through it....No matter how many times he tries to push you away."
I nod and wipe my eyes. I hate that it takes so little these days for me to cry. I attempt to smile at Wam, but it likely is more like a grimace. "Thank you Wam for your support. It means the world to me," I gently squeeze his hand now as our eyes meet. If we weren't sitting in a hospital waiting room with people walking by, I may act on the urge to hug Wam and kiss him. Thank the Lord for small favors, because I've already decided I cannot act on these feelings and risk losing Wam as a friend. Our friendship is too important to risk losing it over a fling. I'm sure that's all it could ever amount to, because a rich, sweet, world renowned doctor would have no interest in a woman ten years his junior with nothing to offer. I'm simply not good enough for him. As much as that thought pains me, it's the truth, and there is nothing I do can change it.
"I suppose I should get back in there. You want to come?" I offer Wam as I stand up and smooth down my blouse.
"If it's okay, I have a couple consults to visit. If you need me though, I'll certainly come with you," Wam said as he too stood up and put his hands on his hips.
As I looked at his tall, lean but muscular frame, my fingers itched to touch him, but I just can't allow it here and now. "I'll be okay. Thanks for offering though. He can scream and yell all he wants, but it's time Kedron sees, I'm not going anywhere."
"That a girl!" Wam chucked me on the shoulder and checked the time on his phone. "It's 2:30pm now. I'll have my phone with me, so if you text me when you're ready, I'll meet you back here, okay?"
"Sounds like a plan man," I said with a genuine smile this time.
"Lee, for what it's worth, I don't think you have a selfish bone in your body. Please don't let Kedron make you feel bad."
"I'll try...later gator," I said as I turned toward Kedron's room and began to walk away.
"After while crocodile," I heard Wam say with a hint of teasing in his voice.
I spent the afternoon sitting with Kedron and reading him news stories. Sadly, he never smiled or laughed no matter how hard I tried. I did however get an "I love you too," when I kissed his cheek and left to meet Wam in the hall after 5pm. I had explained to Kedron he likely wouldn't see me tomorrow because I was packing and moving our apartment.