I went back home feeling a little guilty, if I hadn't pressured Jenny she wouldn't have said all those words. I tried not to imagine what was going on in their house. I reminded myself not to blame and worry myself, it's not good for me.
" Hey mom " I said.
" We need to talk " she said instead.
Rude, I thought. I turned my gaze to her, she was holding a bunch of papers, looking at them seriously, this wasn't good.
I walked over and sat on the couch near her.
" Have you been taking your meds ? " she said sternly.
" Yes mom " I lied.
" Don't lie to me " she said in a sharp voice.
I kept quiet.
" I sent you last week to pick up the meds at Nina's you didn't go, did you "
".... "
" For the last three weeks you've not been taking your meds or going to the pharmacy " she showed me the papers I clearly didn't understand anything.
"...."
" Don't just keep quiet. Answer me " she shouted
" Mom I'm fine, I don't. . . "
" What are you saying ? " she looked at me unbelievably.
" I've not had any. . . "
" Just shut up, you don't know what's good for you, I thought you were better than that, you're old enough for God sake " she touched her head in distress.
" Mom I'm doing just fine without them " I tried to reason with her.
" Shut up, just shut up " she sobs a bit.
" I've always supported you, I never forced you to start, did I, I've always stood by you Troy, I was patient, I didn't blame you for anything, but maybe I should've it's your fault and nobody's, you should know that. . . "
" Mom you can't treat a drug problem with other drugs " It only angered her more.
" You're not a doctor, be reasonable, I suffer because of you, was it a mistake to give birth to you " she had started playing the mom card, If I wasn't annoyed I was now. They always reminded me how I was a mistake, she never did. That day she did. I never listened to anyone, I tagged them as liars but that day it came out of her mouth, they weren't lying my uncle's and aunties weren't lying. I was a mistake.
I felt a throbbing headache. She kept spitting words at me, I wasn't listening. I stood up and walked away from her, I heard her saying something but I wasn't sure and I didn't want to know. I went to my room and sat on the bed.
I had managed to stop and even not think about it but that day reminded me of some of the days I stayed locked up in my room, trying to escape reality, all the misery I wanted it all gone. I didn't want to throw away all my mom's effort, no matter how much craving I heard for it, like a one day old baby yearns for it's mother the feeling grasped me, I sat down on the floor and counted from ten downwards, thrice, it didn't work, I took some pills the doctor had proscribed, it only got worse, like a plant down a deep hole grows up trying to fetch the sunlight I wanted it.
I rolled down on the floor and tried to fight it I hadn't locked my door, I wanted mom to come and save me like she always does, she didn't come, I had screwed up, Mom's efforts, Jenny and Jerome, Jerome and Amanda I just wanted to escape this episode, atleast for just ten seconds. I stumbled to the floor twice and felt my breath wasn't normal and that I should calm myself down like mom told me, I didn't really care, I should just let go, I was thinking. I flipped my mattress over like a mad man and searched for them without any result, I headed over to my study table and emptied all the drawers, my headache got much was, if only I can find them it will all be ok, I was thinking. I emptied my school bag without results, I headed over to the window and scratched down the curtains, I went to the closet and checked my clothes one by one getting more anxious by the minute, I screamed in agony and laid down on my mattress which was on the floor, mom must've taken them, I thought and slowly I lost energy.
Bathroom.
New energy generated within me, I stood up with a kick unmindful of the crowded floor of my room, I stumbled twice but didn't stop, I reached the shower right near the shampoo under it was a black polyethylene, I pulled it out and rushed back to my room, I unveiled it and there it was a strip of hemp pills, my heartbeats slowed down and gradually increased, I broke one from the strip but stopped when I was about to take it, is it really worth it ? I asked myself.
Yes, yes yes some part in my mind seemed to scream.
" NO " I screamed and threw away the strip.
I coiled up on the floor, and tried to resist the urge to go and look for the strip.
It didn't work. It was as if I didn't have control over my body, Like something inside me wanted me to look for the strip.
" Jenny.
The only person who can help me now." I thought and quickly searched for my phone and found it right at the study table.
Jenny had refused to give me her number but then, I went through Jerome, when I called her she said I shouldn't call her but turns out she had mine all along.
I dialed her number and it went unanswered the first time.
The craving was a bit distracted now.
I tried it two more times with the same result.
On the third it was cut, I knew she'd seen me calling and was ignoring me.
I tried two more times and she cut it. I can't take it anymore I need that strip.
There was this voice in my head that kept screaming at me to take atleast just one.
If only I could hear Jenny's voice once, even if I heard her breathing I will feel a little better the voice will go away. I was dead sure of this.
Please Jenny pick up
I resisted the urge again and called Jenny again, this time it was unreachable, probably switched off.
I threw the phone against the wall and touched my head distressed.
I screamed, I growled mom doesn't come, Jenny had switched off her phone.
Where are people when you need them the most, they are just not there.
No one cares for me.
I laid on the floor as if lifeless. I searched for the strip everywhere with no luck. I felt angry for not finding it, it was the only thing to help me escape that misery, that loneliness, the sense of being repulsive. I coiled and looked around. It was right there. Infront of me.
I stretched my hand and reached for it, I took out the first pill and swallowed it, I didn't open it, took it in its capsule. I ran to the tap in the bathroom and took water down with it. I sat near the tap and leaned on the wall and waited for it to take me away.
It was not hitting me fast, I ran back to my room and found the strip lying down there, I took out the second one and this time I opened the capsule and poured it down my my throat. . .
***to be continued.....