It's been nine days and I can't find you anywhere, I screwed up, Jerome is still not talking to me for obvious reasons, he has gotten back with Amanda and I think he should forgive me, I know he will. At school I find myself in a crowd of people but feeling lonely, I miss your presence, your clinginess, your innocence. I tried to be rude, mean but you seem to like it. I was always the sweet innocent caring girl, until it all went down hill with him.
He said I wasn't girlfriend material. I wasn't the jealous types, I was the caring forgiving types it wasn't enough for him. I feel stupid because I miss him and still care for him maybe more than I want to or should. He doesn't deserve it, you do.
When you kissed me at the restaurant, my mind just went overboard and I imagined you as him, I didn't want to. Maybe one act of intimacy triggered all the memories I was trying to forget and it hurt. I wonder what would've happened had I kissed you back, would you love me for who I am, would you love me for who I pretended to be, would you love me for the broken me. would you even love me.I want to keep wondering and never find out. Everyone wants to be loved to be cared for to be missed and at times it gets to our heads and we miss out on some obvious things.
Self love.
I won't lie I don't think I have it.
I crave to be held and loved it's not such a bad thing, is it ?
I don't know what I want.
I admit it.
I crave to be loved but won't let anyone try to.
I'm so fucked in the brain, when you talk about her I feel jealous but, still I offered you my help.
You're like this sweet thing I want to test but I know it'd kill me.
Like a flame flickering back and forth looking so gorgeous and you're tempted to touch it but you don't, because you know it would burn.
I know you like me or maybe you don't.
I'm too scared to try, atleast not right now.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings everytime but it's for the best, I can't control my feelings when everytime you're trying to make a move on me, I have to push you away. That's why I told you not to make a move on me, that's why I offered to help you. She's your dream girl, isn't she the one you saw on the rain. I will help you get her.
I'm trying to change, not for anyone for me.
It's a little hard to put your feelings before other people's but I have to. I've been hurt before and I don't want to go back there.
Jer and mom say I've changed, they are wrong I'm trying to.
You called me, I ignored you then switched off my phone. I didn't want you to disturb me. I knew you wanted to apologise, you always do, for no reason. I wanted to think, to reflect on my recent self. Was I making progress ? I clearly wasn't because the next minute I took out the picture of the two of us and remembered those good times I hadn't cried for over a month but it's funny how the brain pieces together two completely different things and portrays what you're trying to ignore. You were calling to check on me but I switched off my phone. I remembered him. I remembered us. It still hurt, really fucking bad. I cried myself to sleep.
It's hard to try to be something you're not.
I would know. To act all tough on the outside but inside you're just a mess, a fucked up mess.
I thought the next day you'd come to my house and try to apologise, I like your innocence and sincerety it also irritates me sometimes, I want you to be angry at me but you won't.
You didn't come and it pissed me off, the following week at school you didn't come I wanted to come and check on you at your house but I wanted to be angry at you and that wouldn't have help. Or were you angry at me ?
I felt really disturbed by that fact I couldn't take classes well. I tried your phone but it was always off.
Then I gave up. I had to see you. I just had to. Atleast to scold you for not coming to school.
For not taking my calls.
For calling me so many times.
For missing you.