It has been three days since I last saw Shadow Cat. He is never home. After I showered that day I went back to my room so he could have his room back but he didn't come see me. For all three days he made a habit of leaving early morning and coming back really late at night. I was right he was avoiding me. In a way I am happy that I haven't seen him yet because it has given me time to get my thoughts together but at the same time I am disappointed. Mad at him for avoiding me. Do I really miss seeing him?
I tried to not think about Shadow Cat anymore and head to the bathroom to shower. As I enter I look myself at the mirror and stare back at my reflection. I can't help but feel disgusted. The hickeys still adorned my neck; even though they were fading they were still visible. I was mad, but the weird thing is I was not mad at him I was mad and disgusted with myself. I loved every second of receiving them and that disgusted me.
Each hickey was a memory of that night. Memories of being raped and deprived of my innocence and I know I should hate him but I don't. In fact I miss him. I miss looking into his beautiful hazel eyes, I miss looking after him while he was hurt, and I even miss arguing with him. I know that I should hate the fact that he raped me but if I was being honest with myself I loved his touch. I loved the way his body felt on mine, the way his lips tasted, and his hands caressed me. I wanted it, I wanted him again, I wanted to feel that pleasure once again, I wanted to be his always and that was what disgusted me.
I was disgusted in myself for enjoying the feel of his tongue on my clit, enjoying feeling him inside me, if it wasn't for the pain it would have been the greatest night of my life. Even thinking about it now makes me want to find him and ask him to make me his again. I hated that he had that effect on me. He was a criminal; he had raped me but then why I want him to apologize and hear him say that he wishes to build a relationship with me. I am sure I am going crazy, but I was certain I wanted things to change between us, I needed them to change. Deep in my heart I knew that he never meant to hurt me. He proved it by giving me the space he thought I wanted. But the thing is I don't want space anymore.
I saw it that night. I saw it in his eyes. All he has ever wanted was to feel loved. He was just like me. He needed to feel loved. Maybe just maybe this is not hell after all. I don't understand what I am feeling but I am going to find out. But one thing is certain I no longer want space.
I don't want any more space. I don't want him to stay away. I want to get to know him. I want to see if there is more to him that being a criminal. I want to be by his side and maybe just maybe be his forever and that's why I am mad, because I wanted him like he wanted me and it confused the hell out of me. Does that mean I am just as criminal?
-Shadow's POV-
Maybe I should just let her go. Maybe that should be my punishment. I really don't want to lose her but the only thing I care about is her happiness. I just want her to be happy even if it's not with me. If things don't change between us soon I will most likely let her go. That will be my punishment.
These past three days I have been avoiding her. I know that it really isn't what I should be doing but I don't think I could handle hearing how much of a disgusting criminal I am. I want to apologize so badly but I know she hates me and would not care for an apology but I understand her perfectly well what I was unforgivable. Each morning I leave early for school. She doesn't know it yet but we have been in the same classes for the past 4 years and if you are wondering yes I used my connections to make that happen. I needed to make sure she was safe from all the bullies. After school I head to headquarters and take on as many jobs as I can to keep me busy.
My body had been losing strength rapidly. It doesn't help that I have been losing sleep and haven't eaten well these past few days and not to mention the open wounds on my shoulder and side. I know I could have gotten someone in the gang to help me but to them all Marie was dead and I wanted to keep it that way for now.
If only she knew. If only I could have the guts to apologize and beg for her forgiveness. If only she knew that I would give up my entire life for her. But it's too late. I fucked up, I fucked up badly. But maybe soon she won't have to deal with me. She will have what she really wants. Me gone. I am losing the last strength I have left. I have lost a lot of blood already. If I don't get help soon I am sure I'll be a goner but at least she will be happy, right?