(Ghostly Kisses - Lydian)
Do you know that small thoughts and worries hurt free birds? But bluebirds don't let those thoughts and anxieties hurt them because they know that when the time comes they will die from a bullet from a hunter's rifle anyway.
*
The moment the blond-haired boy disappeared, Pars was in my sight and he was moving towards me with his nerve-stricken body. Thinking he was going to be angry with me, he suddenly grabbed my neck with his big hand and pressed my head firmly into the pond. Punishment. How quickly did you forget, Alenas? They will not leave you without being punished.
Again, he reminded me of them trying to drown by pressing my head into the pond, holding my nape. There was something that Sarehan did not know. Something huge... Something that nobody knows about...
Maybe hundreds of times I was held by my nape and pressed to the bottom of the water. To get winded. But eventually, my body got used to it. I had learned to hold my breath. They wouldn't have drowned me.
You know the irony here? Sarehan, they couldn't drown me in deep waters, leaving me breathless. I voluntarily drowned myself in tears that filled me up. They didn't understand.
When he pulled my head out of the water, he took my face in his hands and looked at me with the shadow of anxiety that suddenly appeared and disappeared in his eyes. "You?" he said in surprise. "How did you do that? And most importantly," he was caressing my cheeks. "Why are your eyes staring so blank?"
There is an emptiness. It is a full but broken emptiness. There is an emptiness on my left, Sarehan. A filled emptiness that hurts me as I breathe.
"Shall we go?" When I got out of his hands and stood up, he too straightened up and take my arm and made me look at him before I could move forward.
"Are you mute?" He was angry. "Why don't you protest when you are hurt, when you are upset? Why are you keeping silent? Fuck it! Why?" He was squeezing my arm so hard that I was sure my arm would become bruised.
"Don't question what I'm doing as if you care. You give orders, I obey. That's it. Don't expect more from me." He tightened my arm when I tried to get rid of him.
"Why is that?"
I shouted with all my might. "Because I have no strength left! While I was feeling as if I would forget what happened if I cried until my voice was hoarse, you..." I said as I poked his chest with my index finger. "What do you know about pain, Soldier?"
You don't know, I started my life over and over again hundreds of times, and I was devastated over and over again. My soul constricted, my body ached, I got sick many times because of sadness and I continued my way again. I was consoled with fake love, asked God for mercy. Think now... Years ago my childhood was offended by God, but I still prayed to Him. I'm starting over now. I know it will not happen again, but I get up again, but I swear that ten minutes later I will say why this sentence is heartbreaking and then sit down and think. No one has ever asked why I kept silent for a long time. Because your conversations are so disgusting, I don't want to distract my black but still clear mind with your dirty dreams.
He started walking when he let go of my arm and took my hand. He was dragging me behind him too. "What happened that night?" Come on, Sarehan. Don't ask me this question. I did not answer. He never asked again, nor did I let go of his hand.
What happened that night? When did they load God's corpse on my back? When did they tell me to continue? When did they underestimate me? When was I heartbroken? When did my soul fall into a deep sleep amid my heartbreak? When did we die? What happened to us? I can't understand anything from the breath I take anymore. When did I kill you people in my head? When did my mind get so quiet and my tides? When did I forget? That feeling, that hate, that grudge, that love, those worries that I should never forget... When did my feelings become slaves of God, and I went blind? Someone hold these corpses, let the sun rise. When will the remains of God's corpse be consumed, and when are we... Really...
When did time touch my wrists?
When we arrived at our house, Pars let go of my hand as if nothing had happened and sat on the single seat in the living room, leaning his head back, then closed his eyes. I was about to go upstairs when he started talking with his eyes closed. "Next time if you physically hurt anyone of my team, I'll break your hands."
When I turned my face to him in shock and frowned, he lifted his head, which he leaned back, and raised one eyebrow at me. "You…" I said as I gasped. I hate injustice. "Couldn't you have not seen that girl who thinks her shit doesn't stink just because she's pretty and Soldier, crush my hand with her expensive boots?" I could see his broad shoulders twitch as my hands were in the air waiting for an answer.
"I saw it."
My lips trembled and I didn't even know why my lips were shaking. Noticing that my voice was trembling when I started to speak, Pars stared at my lips. "Just because you are using me for my power, this does not make me an item. I am also a human being. I also have a heart. I deserve respect."
"Shut up," he said in a clear voice. When my lips closed in desperation, I looked at him angrily, but he didn't care. He used his power. "That girl thinks her shit doesn't stink because she's beautiful. It has nothing to do with being a Soldier. So Alenas, you might start thinking your shit doesn't stink. You're prettier than that girl after all." I was frozen. The man of words, how do you make me feel good by riddling my heart? How?
"Now go upstairs," he said in a calm voice. On the other hand, he was pouring wine into his glass on the coffee table that stood beside his seat.
I caught his attention and showed my mouth and was greeted with a grin on his face. Bohunk. "Talk."
"What?" While trying to make sense of the first word that came out of my mouth, I realized that he was thinking the last sentence he said. He continued as his face brightened with awareness.
"You heard it, Reverie. There's a party for all of you. Go and get ready." He was disturbed.
"Is this a joke?"
"Stop questioning and go! This night will be exhausting." I breathed in and out.
"Don't talk as if the sun will rise after tonight. Our every day is dark. Our every day is a night... And you know it."
As I headed the upstairs, I heard that sentence reaching my ear in a low voice behind me. "As long as you live, the fucking sun won't rise."
Wonderful. Now it was my fault that the sun did not rise... When will you people stop blaming me for everything?