I'm not sure how to respond to that bombshell. The journalist in me is leaping around with joy at the enormous gift that has just landed in my lap, the world exclusive that will rock millions worldwide. The friend in me has thousands of questions about how he is, how his family reacted, if he has support and also how it has been kept so quiet, absolutely no public speculation ever!
I decide in the two or three seconds it takes me to formulate those thoughts that my best response will be just to silently hug him. Placing my glass and phone down I scoot my bum over towards him and wrap my arms around his torso to find he is trembling and my heart breaks for him.
"Jimmie, I hope this doesn't sound patronising, but I'm so proud you have shared this with me, it must be a relief, to know that your secret has been voiced, but I will understand if you decide you would prefer me to leave this subject out of the book. You can change your mind whenever you want to, ok?!" I hug him closer and feel his arms tighten around me, like a koala on a tree branch. He has his head buried in my neck and I can feel the tears on my skin, and his wracking breaths causing his body to shudder.
I lay back and take him with me, his head resting on my chest now as I smooth his hair and kiss the top of his head. He places his leg over mine and turns further in towards me, clinging to me as if I were a life-ring and he a survivor of a shipwreck.
We lay like that for some time, me making soothing sounds, rubbing his back and combing my fingers through his hair. Jimmie cries hard for a short while, followed by those woeful juddering hiccupy sobs, firing my protective instinct. Bless him, I cannot imagine how tough it must be to be born into a body that feels wrong in every way, to know in your head and your heart you are male while the world around sees you as a female.
Sitting up he takes a napkin and wipes his eyes and nose, closes his eyes and takes a few deep, calming breaths, then clears his throat and opens his eyes which are now bloodshot and puffy.
"Thankyou Syd. Thankyou so much for being my first too" he tells me, a small smile on his lips.
"Your first?" I question
"Yes..... the first person outside my family that I have said those words to, and also my first kiss, well..... as Jimmie" he adds quietly, his lower lip wobbling and his eyes glassy again.
"I'm honoured to have been your first kiss, and also that you are telling me your story. I will do everything in my power to make sure that your secret is kept if that's what you decide. If you choose to allow me to put this in the book I will of course show it to you before anyone else. You can decide what terminology is used, and obviously how detailed you wish to be too. You are in complete control.... ok!?" I reassure him, placing my hand on his knee and he nods his response.
"Im the youngest in our family, I have an older sister and 2 older brothers who have all been amazingly supportive, as have my parents. I am incredibly lucky in that respect, I know of many people whose families were less understanding, some even being disowned or thrown out of their homes. How awful is that? It's hard enough to know you have been born with the wrong body, then to tell others and deal with all the questions, the psychological input, counselling and doctors consultations, and all the drugs, without that added difficulty. That needs to change, the assumption of the medical profession that this is a mental health or psychological condition is infuriating. Nobody questions the psychological status of heterosexual or homosexual people, so why Transgender people? I met one Lady who was finally having surgery to complete her transition at the same time as me. She was 58 years old and had lived her entire life as a man, marrying, having 3 children and 4 grandchildren. She worked so hard to live a good life but for her sanity had to finally accept she was a woman who had been unfortunate enough to be born with the wrong genitalia. She bravely told her wife her secret and she was disgusted, immediately throwing her out, telling her to never contact her or their adult children ever again. Apparently one of her sons remains in contact with her, but distantly, via phone calls only, but he won't allow her to see her grandchildren incase she confuses, corrupts or influences them. Can you imagine? All those years of torment, then you finally do the right thing for yourself but you must give up your entire life for that. She is still fundamentally the same person she always was, she has just had some corrective surgery, but is rewarded for that self care with ostracisation and contempt. I'm going to work to change that. I want the world to know about me. Maybe in a small way that will help those going through similar situations to find their voices too, maybe it will inspire those living a lie to speak their truth and to make life changes. It is a terrifying thing to do, to risk everything you know and love by telling others your secret. I personally felt like I was letting my parents down, almost as if I was ungrateful for the life they gave me, and also I worried that I'd effectively be killing their daughter. Hell, even I felt a certain sense of grief, similar to a bereavement!"
"How did the conversation with your family go? Did you tell them all together?" I ask him, my admiration for him growing with every word he utters.
"I spoke to one of my brothers first. He is a really calm dude, very level headed and enormously deep thinking. I trust him completely and knew he would be honest with me, and also would never betray my trust by telling my secret. He was incredible!! We went out to eat and then walked on the beach. He knew something was on my mind as I'd been unable to eat much and was very quiet. I'm usually fairly loud, as you know. He told me later that he thought I was going to tell him I was pregnant! I think we were both grateful that that wasn't the situation" he chuckles
"I remember his exact words. He stopped walking and said 'spit it out J', so I did. I said 'I'm a boy and I can't live as Jessica anymore. What do I do?' and he pulled me into the tightest hug and told me he would be with me while I told the rest of my family. My mum cried and dad was shocked but recovered quickly. My other brother was nonplussed and my sister said she already suspected! It was the worst wonderful experience. Not one i'd care to repeat, I really thought I was going to vomit into my dinner plate, but my brother held my hand under the table and I felt his reassurance and strength. Over the coming days we had lots of family conversations and lots of tears, mostly my family feeling guilty for not noticing I was struggling with my identity. Mine were tears of relief that I'd finally taken that leap, and also of love and gratitude for my family for their acceptance and support."
"Sounds like you have an amazing family. I think that using your fame as a platform to help others is a wonderful idea, you have millions of fans worldwide, and many in countries where gender reassignment would not be possible. You can help make such a difference. I'd love to help in any way I can Jimmie" I tell him with sincerity.
We chat for a while longer about the way he got into 5EX, how he feels about the other members, his favourite tracks on their albums and other trivial things, then decide to head back up to the house. Jimmie has ridden the emotional rollercoaster for long enough today, he needs a break, and probably a few more alcoholic beverages!