"Hey Syd, what are you up to? Why are you alone, I thought you were out with J, where is he? Everything ok?" Yanni asks as he enters the lounge from the garden, wearing only a pair of emerald green swim shorts while towelling his newly dyed and incredibly hot dark hair.
I am momentarily unable to speak, any words feel stuck in my windpipe making breathing something I have to concentrate on fully. He has clearly just been in the pool, water droplets slowly making their way down his torso, hair damp and tousled, nipples erect, presumably due to the coolness of the air conditioned room hitting his wet skin. My tongue is suddenly as dry as a desert, I can feel my pulse speeding up and that telltale tingle in my underwear has again reared its head. I swallow and tear my eyes away from him, looking back at my laptop and preparing to speak when he flops down in the space next to me, towel now around his neck, cold wet shorts rubbing against my thigh causing a shiver to run down my spine, and thankfully also snapping me out of my daze.
"Holy shit Yanni, you're freezing! Do you need to sit so close?" I ask whilst sucking in a shocked gasp and slapping his thigh before moving slightly to my left away from him. I tell myself it's because he is cold and wet, but being in physical contact with him does things to me I can't bear to face right now. Hopefully my body doesn't betray me!
He laughs, a sound I have rarely heard in my time here, but one that I love. It is like no other sound, as if some celestial entity took the essence of sexy, dipped it in honey, wrapped it in chocolate, sprinkled it with temptation and packaged it all up into a golden voicebox!
Beautifully, huskily erotic.
Finding my voice, albeit wavering a little I reply, telling him Jimmie has gone for a nap before dinner. I explain that he found the whole conversation exhausting, but don't go into any details as I have no idea if any of the guys are aware of his background. It's not my place to give that information to them, but if he agrees for these details to be published they will obviously find out. I must talk to him about that, I'm sure he's aware of that fact, but just to be sure I'll remind him.
"So what did you guys talk about? Any golden nuggets? Anything sensational and headline grabbing that'll put you on the literary map?" he questions with a smirk on his face.
This man! I never know whether he is being sincere, or if he is taking a swipe at my integrity, and believing the worst of him I bite.... and hard!
Raising my voice as I stand, my blood rushing through my veins, I turn to face him and growl "For fucks sake Yanni!! I know you have a low opinion of me, we've been there and decided that already ok, can we just skip past all this shit talk please?
I've apologised for my misdemeanour, deleted all evidence from the internet and accepted the... hmmm….. let's call it an opportunity shall we, to spend a precious year of my life away from everyone I know and love on the opposite side of the world with 5 strange men as recompense! What more do you want from me!? How can I make you see I'm sorry for whatever it was that upset you and your life so much?"
My face is flaming and I'm panting, I don't think I took a breath the whole time I was having my say. My heart is racing, I feel sweaty and nauseous, and my body is trembling with the effort of restraining my emotions. I really do dislike conflict, it makes me feel sick, but after Harry I vowed never to allow myself to feel worthless ever again, to confront all perceived attacks head on immediately. Over analysing things only ever led me to more self doubt and self loathing. No more, I have realised I have value!
Mouth agape and eyes wide Yanni stares back at me before jumping up from his seat and approaching me stuttering "N-n-no!! I'm not shit talking! I'm s-sorry if you felt that way, I'm genuinely interested in what J had to say, nothing more. I care about him and am interested, and believe it or not I really do think you are a talented writer who deserves recognition. I thought maybe telling our stories might help your profile! Honestly, I really am sorry I made you feel that way. Forgive me?" he pleads, his hands now clasping mine tightly. They are warm, and soft, and he is gently rubbing his thumb over my wrist. It is immediately effective in reducing my anger levels, but I can't say it helps with the pounding heart, rapid breathing or flushed face. Rather the reverse infact.
At this realisation I remove my hands from his grip as if burned and step back, eyeing him through my lashes as I feel unable to look at him directly.
"This is the last free pass I'm prepared to give you Yanni. I'm not some airhead, fame chasing bimbo. I'm not attempting to use you to further my career, make money, raise my profile or anything else like that you might believe. I'll remind you again, and for the last time, I'm only here because I was unable to refuse. Now, are we putting this shit to bed once and for all?".
"We are. Look, I'm sorry you felt I was being an arsehole, I promise you my intention was never to offend you, and I wish you'd stop thinking the worst of me all the time" he says with an edge of disappointment in his tone, falling back onto the sofa.
I feel immediately contrite, almost ashamed of myself. He's right of course, I do always jump to the worst conclusion when it comes to him. I shouldn't judge him by the standards I am used to. I wonder if that is my nature or whether it is a learned protective response after my life with Harry. Probably the latter, but I think there is a fair amount of self preservation at play here too. It's hard to admit to myself but I am attracted to him, and frankly that scares me witless, although it shouldn't, he is taken after all! Maybe the fact he is unavailable is what I find attractive?
With a sigh I take up my previous position on the sofa next to his slumped form and decide to lay my cards on the table, he deserves to know why I am such an emotionally unstable bitch since he is the recipient of all my paranoid aggression.
Turning fractionally in my seat to face him I take a deep breath and tell him everything about my life with Harry, hopeful it will go some way towards explaining why I am like this. I tell him about the possessiveness, jealousy, cheating and gaslighting, the verbal abuse, beatings and eventually the torture I suffered throughout my marriage, although I can't give him details right now... it's still too painful.
He listens without interruption, a combination of sheer horror and what looks like fury on his face the entire time. I hadn't realised I was sobbing until he reaches for me and pulls me into his naked chest, my tears joining the water droplets on his golden skin.
We remain like that for a few minutes before I pull away and take the end of the towel to wipe my face.
He remains silent, presumably trying to process what I've just told him. Wait until he hears this next bit of my confession then!
I reach up and take the other end of the towel in my hand, and look into his face. Those eyes! They are searching mine, watery with unshed tears and sympathy. I'm unsure whether it is due to getting all that weight off my chest or because he is so close, but I feel peaceful.
I very gently pull the ends of the towel, closing the space between us fractionally and in a sultry and husky voice that I do not recognise as my own I begin to speak.
"Yanni, I need to tell you that ..... mmmmppph!"
My words are silenced on my tongue as his mouth meets mine, sending a lightning bolt through my entire body, nerves alight all over my skin, the tiny hairs on my body standing straight. He tastes of chlorine and oranges, both salty and sweet, his lips soft and warm against mine. His strong hands are cupping my face, his thumbs lightly grazing my cheeks, his tongue grazing my lower lip causing a muffled moan to form in my throat.
My blood is now up and I pull on the ends of the towel, bringing him closer to me as he leans forward and gently eases me back into the plush cushion of the sofa.
All rational thoughts leave me as I succumb to his kiss.