The function in my chest stopped working. I can no longer catch up with life around me. For a moment it feels like I'm dead. No, it feels worse. It feels as if the Earth is dead, and left me behind to pick up the pieces burnt to ash by hate. I hate this feeling, and I hope this never occurs in my lifetime again. Though I know this isn't a once in a lifetime thing. Death is everywhere. What's worse than death? Suffering. My sun is sitting on the hill, and it won't come up until the night sky goes away. The sun is supposed to eliminate the darkness, but the sun has lost it's rays and will. I'll always have at least a little hope, no matter what.
Here I lay next to a halfway dead body. He's never dead to me, but it hurts when I can be next to him, and not know if he's actually there. I can't hear his angelic voice, or see the kind smile that spreads over his face. I can only feel his hand. This is no use to me. I need to hear him, and have knowledge that he's still existent. I want to hear his heart beat in a manner of happiness, not the slow beating of depression. I've fallen into indifference of everything around me. I've always been this way, but it's worse than ever. This time....it's towards living itself.
"Ki, I don't know if you can hear me....but I love you". That is what I've been saying for 2 weeks now. Not such a long time. Unfortunately, for me it pains as an eternity. Enough with the artistic, heartfelt talk. Here's the reality.
My boyfriend is slowly dying. He's on a hospital bed...in a...in a coma. The last thing I ever expected. I returned to the place where Hyun-ki and I were kidnapped, regardless if the police shut it down. I found out three things. One, Codie didn't love me anymore, he just wanted to ruin my life. Two, he wanted to ruin my life, because even though we weren't dating....we still liked each other, and it made him upset that I was dating someone whom I was in LOVE with. Yes, the news was distributed throughout the world about Hyun-ki and I...AGAIN. Three, Codie was also upset and targeted me, because he apparently cheated on his girlfriend. Her mother was so upset that she was cheated on by Codie, and told her to come home. Her mother never got a chance to see her daughter. She got into a car crash by someone on drugs as she attempted to go to her mother's house. Codie got the poor thing killed. What's even more insane, is that Codie was planning to die. That's why it was so easy to escape. He planned the entire thing! He knew Hyun-ki would get shot, he was hoping he'd die, but he was also hoping that one of us would kill him in the process. He wanted to see his girlfriend again and apologize. I don't see how that's gonna work out.
Hyun-ki was right - I'd only get hurt if our relationship went public. What causes the most pain, is that Hyun-ki is the one that got hurt. It should've most definitely been me. Well, then Hyun-ki would've felt as bad as I do right now. I don't want him to ever have to feel pain, but here we are. This sounds similar to one of those cheesy romantic movies. Never knew that it could actually happen, especially not to me. Here I am talking about myself like a trashy person, when my boyfriend is in a freaking coma; on the verge of death. I don't think I can handle this anymore. I don't know what to do. Well...there's one thing. No, I can't. If Hyun-ki wakes up to find me....he'll be devastated.
...
I've continued to go to college, and haven't missed a single day. I tend to fake smile around others, so that they may not feel sad around me. I really had to pretend to be happy with Kallie, since I didn't want her to see me the way I am on the inside. I don't think people actually know how other people feel on the inside. You have to be in that person's shoes to understand.
Hyun-ki has been wept by many fans, and especially the other members of BSM. Joo-won lost his sense of humor, Tae-geun's playfulness went down the drain, Jun-seo's face has gotten paler, Yong-sun's rapping has gotten much slower, Ji-hoon stopped laughing, and Ha-jun stopped dancing. These guys have supported me. They've watched over Kallie and I ever since Hyun-ki went into a coma. They come over to check on us, and even invite us to eat with them. Right now, I'm counting the hours until Hyun-ki can wake up.
There'll probably be as many hours as there are stars in the sky.
He might....never wake up. I look at the piano for a while. Eventually, I decide to get off of my bed and use the piano to release my emotions. I don't want to trigger myself into crying.
I don't even know what to say
The rain drops and it's still the same day
How can it rain 5 times a day
What could ever make me awake
I wish you couldn't see me now
I'm glad that you can't
But it's a horrible wish
I wish you'd wake up
I wish you'd wake up
As many times as I want to give up
I can't give up, give up because of you
The first day I met you
I truly wanted to let you
Let you into my heart
Now we're here
My fear has arisen
You're gone
You need medical attention
Why can't you pay attention to me
I hate seeing you with your eyes closed like that
Not knowing
If they'll ever open
I was hoping
That you'd stay forever
Forever isn't as long as I thought
What a stupid thing to hope
At least I could've hoped for you to always be with me not just in my heart or in my mind
But in reality
As many times as I want to give up
I can't give up, give up because of you
The first day I met you
I truly wanted to let you
Let you into my heart
Now we're here
My fear has arisen
You're gone
You need medical attention
Why can't you pay attention to me
I hate seeing you with your eyes closed like that
Not knowing
If they'll ever open
Somehow I don't feel better, but instead I feel somewhat like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders. I'm done always allowing things to be taken away from me. I'm not going to give up. Not even on Hyun-ki. These thoughts race my head, and I wound up in a river.
"Hey Maemae?" Yong-sun knocks on my bedroom door. I hurriedly wipe the tears, and stand up as if I wasn't just praying to die.
"Oh. Yong-sun? I didn't know you were still here", I smile through the pain.
"You don't have to pretend Maemae. We're all struggling. Come here", Yong-sun motions me to approach him. I hesitantly move towards him, and he hugs me so tightly. I felt a teardrop on my hair.
"Yong-sun?" I slightly pull away to view his face.
"Yeah?" Yong-sun responded with sadness in his voice.
"Are you crying?" I ask trying not to cry myself.
"Just a little", Yong-sun sniffles.
"You're supposed to make me feel better. Now seeing you cry is making me cry more, and you rarely cry", I burst out into tears, and Yong-sun does too. I clutch tightly to Yong-sun's spine like a stress ball. He does the same to me. The next thing you know, 5 guys, Kallie, and Celeste enter the room to notice us weeping - we all get into a group hug crying as hard as we can to let out emotions. By the way, Celeste is my other best friend as I mentioned earlier in the story. She decided to stay with Kallie and I after she heard what happened with Hyun-ki.
"What if he has memory loss?" I whine with anger in my tone.
"What if he forgets me, and how we felt?" I cuddle the soft pillow on my bed.
"It's gonna be alright", Celeste comforts me.
"Yeah, it's gonna be alright. It just takes time", Joo-won grabs a tissue to blow his nose from sobbing.