Chapter 36: Intense
When I fell into a restless sleep the room was full. Now as I look round tiredly there is only one.
Peter.
He is leant back in the chair, hair ruffled and eyes shut. I dont know why he feels he need to guard me like a dog but I can't say its not welcome. I analyse every part of him while I can. The dark circles under his eyes. His tanned skin. His wrapped shoulder he most definitely shouldnt be sleeping on. I just want to live in this moment until he wakes up. Just until those emerald eyes look at me with sadness and then become guarded again.
There was once a time where I could read every emotion Peter ever had but that time is gone now. He is no longer that boy and I am no longer that girl. Plus there is this gaping distance between us never to be filled. I saw to that. Even so frustration burns in my chest because all I want to do is get on my knees and beg for forgiveness but I cant. He wont accept that and its not within me to do that.
Uriel. Kyran. Grayth. They here and alive, thats all I have to be comforted by. I will never be trusted to go on a mission with them again. I cant fight by their side. I have my own responsibilities now. I promised Lin and Wendy I would finish this. But I need to bloody heal first.
Ugh why are things so damn twisted. I just want everything to clear so I know what to do. Sure we could take down other institutions. We can go on more protests. But we need the government to recognise us and how the hell do we do that? I feel like I'm treading water in an infinite ocean what happens if I drown?
'Your awake?'
A voice drags me back to the present. Peter's emerald eyes are on me waiting for confirmation I'm okay.
'Yea I'm all good. Your shoulder?' I manage back.
Peter sits forward wincing as his shoulder jerks.
'It will be a while till I can fight again.' Peter grumbles.
Fights again? He is seriously going to fight when he has no reason too. We got him out to have a life for god sake. Panic seizes me and before i can stop myself I am speaking.
'Are you still so stubborn that you can't recognise an opportunity when you see one?' My voice comes across curt. I cringe as soon as the sentence left my mouth as Peter tenses.
'You gonna enlighten me to what your trying to say Erza.' Peter's eyes are pinned on me edging me to say something else, well I'm not going see him acting like a suicidal fool.
'Sure. I dont see a reason for you go into battle when you have a chance at life Peter. There are plenty of jobs here that keep you out of harms way but busy. So I ask why are you still trying to fight and be at risk.' My voice rises with every syllable but I cant help my panic.
Peter's breathing deepens. Then he leans forward before responding.
'I fight Erza because I dont want our people to go on like this. Unlike you I cant run off into the woods and become an improved model. No I work a different way. The same way I once thought you did until you left us for dead. So I dont get something. You meet Layla. You forge a friendship with new people. Even learn some more powers. But you still run the hell away? This is our fight Erza. These are our people. If you want to try lecturing me on what I should then your way off.' Peter is panting when he is done. But for me I am raw. He has stripped me and analysed me so explicitly that I feel vulnerable. Only this time I cant just sit here and say nothing.
'Your right I ran because I was a coward. I ran because the power I had has me looking out for my own survival like an animal does. But I will tell you what I think when your being reckless. You may think I give no shit what happens to you guys but your fucking wrong. I left you guys and I have never forgiven myself since. You will never believe me and thats fine. But I dragged myself and my friends in there to save you guys. People died to get you out. So do what you want Peter but bare in mind someone gave up their life so you could have one. Just remember that when you run into a blazing round of gunfire or worse some entities hands.'
Peter says nothing as I gather my breath and grab my side which throbs from sudden movements.
Peter stands and his hand moves but stops half way between us. He lowers it quickly.
'Get better Erza.'
Peter walks out of my room then without a glance back.
I run my hands through my hair and release my breath. That went to shit. What made me think I could do that especially with our tense relationship right now. Jesus Erza you dont think.
'Are you having a moment or can I come in?' Will pops his head through the curtain.
'Hey Will. Come in.' I force a smile.
'Dont do that E. You know I can read your thoughts and know that smile is a load of shit.' Will smirks.
The smile peels away instantly and whats left clearly concerns Will enough for him to sit on the bed.
'Is it Redhead? I saw him strutting away pretty upset.' Will looks at me in sympathy.
'Yea its him. I dont know how to be with him anymore. We cant go back to how we were and I dont know why he is bothering with me. Its not how I saw this going.' I confess gingerly.
'You seriously dont know why he is hanging around you despite resenting you?' Will asks.
'No...?'
Will slaps his head.
'Jesus your a moron. He loves you idiot.'
Loves....me?...Maybe once...never again tho.
'Wheres Varian?'
'Stop changing the subject Erza. Peter will learn to trust you again. We know that. Varian volunteered to show Grayth around.' Will raises his eyebrows suggestively. But all I can think of his Grayth and Varian bonding and flirting. Ew.
'Oh god.' I slam my head back on the bed. Im done with life.
Will laughs heartily. 'Its good. Your guy Grayth is cool and sarcastic enough for V it will shut him up!'
'Now I have to see Varian with Grayth who is too good for him by the way! Grayth is a soft-hearted guy if Varian hurts him using his to get over you. I will kill him.' I growl.
Will goes serious at that. 'I'm hoping he will be happy with Grayth and forget about me E.'
Ugh. Why Grayth could'nt Varian have found interest in anyone else around this place.
'Alright I see your point but I'm not happy.'
'Cheer up E. I brought clay. Fancy doing some art?' Will hands me some clay.
'Thanks man. I'm excited!'
Me and Will drop into a comfortable silence as we mould.
Will Varian treat Grayth right?
I mean I always thought Grayth preferred girls to men but who I am to judge. He deserves happiness. I just pray to God Varian gives it to him.
Varian you better fucking behave or so help me. Pain is coming your way.