Six Months Ago
Jazz
Benny woke me up like he always did, kissing my cheeks and eyelids until I gave in and rolled fully onto my back, then kissing me softly, his lips brushing mine gently. "Merry Christmas Jazz," he said, nuzzling his face into my neck.
"Bah Humbug," I said, with a groan, I tried to shift out from under the weight of his body, easier said than done when he outweighed me by at least seventy pounds. "Coffee?" I asked, already feeling grumpy. I did not like Christmas, but Benny had wanted so badly to put up the stupid little tree, with one ornament, and buy a string of lights for the hotel room we had found ourselves in for the holiday.
Pretending to look hurt, Benny said, "How dare you imply I would forget your coffee?" With a totally unnecessary flourish and bounce in his step, he went to the little coffee maker on top of the little fridge. The scent of hazelnut creamer hung in the air, and I couldn't stop the smile from spreading across my face. He had never told me he loved me, but in his defense, I had never said the words either. He didn't have to say them for me to know he did love me. It was in the little things, like the smell of hazelnut creamer. Deemed unnecessary, The Organization wouldn't pay for it, and extra cash was hard to come by in this line of work, even for four dollars' worth of coffee creamer. I sat up, and accepted the cup of steaming liquid gold, raising a toast toward the ceiling, I said, "To those who can't be here, but have never truly left us." I almost couldn't get the words out. Fucking Christmas.
"Hear Hear," Benny seconded and took a drink of his black coffee. Reaching out toward me, his thumbs brushed my cheeks and came away wet.
"Damn allergies," I said, wiping at my cheeks. Trying to scrub away not just the tears, but the pain, the memories that holidays always dredged up for me. Here was another way I knew he loved me, he wanted to ask, every time I said those words with a raised glass, he was hoping I would explain, yet, he never asked out loud, so I never discussed it, simple as that.
"So, about those 'allergies' that seem to spring up from time to time," Benny started, and I panicked on the inside, he was going to ask about it, after eighteen months, the curiosity has gotten to be too much, "I have a little something, which may or may not make them better, maybe worse, I don't know, I saved up for this for a while, they say three months and all that, but how do people like us figure out how much three months is exactly, but I tried my best, tried to get something you would love, you might hate it, I don't know," he was rambling, nervous, and me? I was confused. Why didn't The Organization pay for allergy medication? Did he not understand I don't actually have allergies?
"Benny, baby, do me a favor?" I broke into his stream of what seemed to nonsense thoughts, "Explain to me why you needed three months to save for allergy medication?"
Confusion swept across his face, and then he smiled, and I could feel the familiar warmth only he could ever make happen spread through me. His laughter started as a chuckle, deep but quiet, shaking his head, he said, "Allergy medications, she thinks I'm talking about allergy medications."
I hoped I didn't look as confused as I felt, but when he looked at me again, his chuckled turned into a deep belly laugh, he was sitting crisscross on the bed by my feet, double over, holding his stomach while tears rolled down his face. "Oh Jazz, my sweet, sweet Jazz, if you only knew," he managed to get out between bursts of laughter.
My confusion was quickly turning to anger, "Well, spit it out already! Why three months' worth of allergy medications?"
My anger must have seemed funny to him, for even though he was starting to calm down, my shouted question had him rolling off the bed. I was pissed off. I did not like being made to feel like a fool, and this ass was doing just that. Throwing the blanket off, I got out of bed, still in my oversized sleep shirt, not caring it was the middle of winter in Minnesota, I slipped on my coat and slippers, "Fine, take your allergy pills and shove them up your ass, you bastard. I don't have allergies. The tears aren't from dust in these crappy hotel rooms The Organization puts us in, you want to know why I cry? I cry because I," before I could finish my sentence, his hand was over my mouth, his breath in my ear, and his other hand around my waist.
"Don't, not right now, I want to know but not like this, not when you're so upset. I'm not stupid, I know you don't have allergies. Calm down and we'll talk, and then maybe, just maybe, you'll see the humor in what just happened. Breath with me Jazz, like they taught us," Benny whispered in my ear. He counted out the breaths and even though I didn't want to calm down, I wanted to give in to the anger and forget everything bad that happened in the past, in a red haze of fury, but I couldn't stay mad at him. He knew it. I knew it. Giving in to him, I breathed in on the count of one and out on the count of four, just like they taught us in training to help deal with strong emotions.
Feeling calmer I nodded my head and he took his hand away slowly, like you would take your hand away from something which could bite you in return for a kindness you had given it. I turned to face him, seeing the tears on his cheeks as well, and whatever anger I had left inside me melted away, right then and there. I brushed his tears away with my fingertips, feeling him sigh against my face as he leaned into my hand.
"I'm sorry Benny if you knew you would understand."
"I'm sure I would, and once you know, maybe you'll get a laugh or two out of the situation as well. Are we ok to go back to bed?" When I nodded my agreement, he slipped the coat off my shoulders, putting it over the back of the only chair in the room, "There is a reason we aren't in one of the normal shitty motels we usually are, I asked if we could have the holidays off."
"Benny, you know I like to work during this time, keep my mind off… stuff," I still wasn't ready to explain my tears, my outburst.
"Please, let me talk ok?" I nodded and mimed zipping my lips shut, a childish gesture, but one which, until now, had always gotten me a smile in return. He pointed to the bed, and I went over and sat down on the edge, my right leg bouncing as it does when I am anxious.
"Jazz, I didn't save three months for anything, I've been saving for a year. And no, I didn't buy your allergy medication. What I bought you is, well, it's... Damn it! I saw this going so differently in my head," Benny went over to his gun case, which I never touched or go in to. I was better in melee range, he was the shooter. He peeled back the lining a little bit and pulled out a small black box. When he was back in front of me, he smiled, dimples shining through, and the warmth was back between us again, Damn him for making me feel this way when I want to be mad. I smiled back, encouraging him to continue with a nod of my head.
"Jazz, I know I've never actually told you this before, but I think you know it already. I knew within six months after the first night, our first night, when I became us in my mind, that, well," he cleared his throat, running his free hand through his hair. I tried my best to suppress a smile, but he was so sexy right then, looking scared and nervous, with his hair now sticking up in a million directions, "This always goes so smoothly on tv. Why is this so hard? Ok, here goes, 1… 2… 3… Jazz Adlophne, I love you. Ok, that was the easy part, now for part two… Will you marry me? Will you please become Mrs. Benny Jett?"
I sat for a minute in stunned silence, not really sure if I had heard him right, did he just propose?
"You're not serious? Is Calli about to jump out of the closet? Her and Josh put you up to this didn't they?" At the look of hurt on his face, I realized he was serious, "Benny?" I whispered.
"I'm devilishly serious here Jazz," he dropped onto one knee and held out the little box in front of him.
My hands were shaking so badly, I couldn't get the box open. I didn't trust myself to speak.
"I hope you like it, I had it custom made, you slept through me measuring your finger, I was so sure I was going to get caught, I thought the pounding of my heart was going to wake you up if nothing else," he was speaking softly, opening the box, he took out a silver and gold band, the metals twisted together in an intricate braid and set in the open spaces were alternating stones of green and blue. He slipped the ring on my finger, and it felt perfect, delicate looking, yet an underlying and unseen strength.
"Benny... I... Yes... No... Maybe... I need to think," without further explanation, I walked out of the room, closing the door behind me. I didn't look back, I couldn't look back, I needed to think about what this meant. And I needed to do it with someone who would listen but not speak. I knew where to go. Benny may not have realized he had gotten The Organization so close to her place on purpose, but I was glad she was within walking distance, I couldn't go back in for my coat, let alone the keys. Well, at least I have slippers on, Look for the silver linings in every thunderstorm life brings, my mother's voice spoke to me in the breeze. I need you, mom, now more than ever, and I guess it's a good thing you are always where I left you last.