Six Months Ago
Benny
I stood staring at the door for what seemed like hours, the same three thoughts spinning around in my head, She walked out. Just left me here. She is in a nightgown and slippers.
Part of me wanted nothing more than to run out after her, grab her coat, shoes, a pair of pants, her favorite mismatched socks, find her, dress her and tell her to never mind, forget I said anything. We don't need to get married, if you don't want my love, we will pretend I never said it, go back to the way it was before this morning. All I wanted was to give you something happy to think about, a reason for happy tears on a day you seem to only have bad memories. It's Christmas for fuck's sake!
I knew better though, I had spent practically every moment of the last eighteen months of my life next to her, she was my rock, my goddess, and as cheesy as it sounds, without her, I would not be who I am at this moment.
And speaking of this moment, I was broken, scared, and pacing back and forth in a room too small to really get my frustrations worked out. My thoughts swirled, images of her lying cold and frozen in a snowbank, blue eyes glazed over and unblinking in the falling snow.
When I could take it no longer, I grabbed a few items for her, the room keys, and headed outside, I would figure out where she went and how to find her, they had taught us how to track humans in training as well, and I would use it, I would find her.
I was concentrating so hard on how to figure out which direction she went in from the front of the hotel, I walked right by her. "Benny? You looking for me?" she asked suddenly from behind me. I spun around so fast, I tripped on a patch of ice, my feet slipping and sliding underneath me as I did my best not to land on my ass.
Her laughter rang out, soothing music to my soul, and when I caught my balance, I went to her as fast as I dared on the icy walkway. Not caring at the moment who saw us, what they thought, not caring, if truth be told about anything but Jazz, I took her in my arms. I wanted to scold her like an angry parent whose child wandered away at the park, shake her like she was a remote not working right, I don't know what I wanted to do, so I did what came naturally. I held her, kissing her face and mouth, telling over and over how sorry I was.
"Benny, why are you sorry? You've done nothing wrong, it's me. I can't give you an answer, not now, I need time to think about it. There are some things I need to tell you, and I need to figure out how to go about doing it, and I need to come to terms with those things as well, so I can give you all of me, because it is what you deserve, Benny. Not a woman who can only give you bits and pieces of herself, but someone who can give you one hundred percent of herself."
"Jazz, I can't lose you, please, don't … don't walk away from me, I'll take it all back if it's what you want," I couldn't believe I was going to say what I had to say, but if it meant keeping her I'd say anything, "Forget everything I said today, and we can go on like we were. Just please, I can't…."
"Shh, Benny, I don't want to pretend. Because I love you. I have loved you since the first time we danced, and if I had to go on thinking maybe you loved me, but not knowing for sure, I'd much rather do it this way."
I took her hands in mine, noticing for the first time, she was wearing the ring, "I just want to know one thing and I'll drop it ok?"
"I can't promise anything, but ask anyway."
"Do you like it?"
Her face lit up brighter than the lights of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree in the center of New York City, "It's perfect."
Kissing her gently, I put my hand on her throat, applying just a small amount of pressure, she moaned into my mouth and pushed against me. Excitement danced up my body. Her eyes were only half open and full of wanting when they went wide and comical. She suppressed a giggle, and inwardly I cringed, afraid to turn around, but more afraid not to, "Police, child or old dude?" I asked.
"Entire family, mom, dad, couple of kiddos, oh, and it looks like grandma definitely does not approve of my outfit."
"Sweet Jesus, let's get you inside." I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder in a fireman's carry, turned and gave the family a small salute, and then walked back into the hotel with the love of my life over my shoulder, her laughter filling my heart with warmth.