I awoke with a start to a phone call a few weeks later. Looking at the screen and my clock with gritty eyes I saw that it was 4am. I recognized the number and in the past I would've done well not to answer. But perhaps I wasn't as content with the narrative after all.
"Hello?" I said groggily.
"Hey," he said. His voice like warm honey.
"You know it's 4am?" I said my eyes still shut as I lay there.
"Yes... I know." He laughed a little bit. "Won't you buzz me in?"
"Buzzz...." I mumbled. It took me a moment before my eyes flew open as I realized what he meant.
"You're outside?" I sat up off the bed.
"Is that alright?" He asked nervously.
"You crazy stalker. Yeah it's alright. As long as you didn't bring anyone with you." I rolled out of bed and headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth. "Five minutes." I said hanging up without even confirming.
I changed from my ratty old t shirt, into a tank top and dolphin shorts and I threw off my bonnet giving my hair a quick shake.
When I finally did let him come up. I was shaking like a leaf until I opened the door.
"Hi." He said quietly, he looked me up and down in the dimness of my string lights. I thought the real lights would be too harsh.
"What do you want." I said playfully smirking.
"Well... I suddenly don't know how to answer that question." His brows raised insinuatingly.
I rolled my eyes stepping aside to let him in. "Why are you here?" I asked. Examining him in his sweatpants and hoodie.
He turned around, "Couldn't sleep." He shrugged...
"So you decided I wouldn't get any either?" I asked accusingly. He was probably at someone else's house before he got to my apartment.
"You were the one keeping me awake." He whined.
"Me?" I laughed, "I was sleeping like a baby,"
"I know," he grinned, "dreaming of me."
" Oh shut up." I broke a smile shaking my head.
"You didn't deny it." He stepped closer to me.
"Must've been someone else." I said coyly.
We were staring into each other's eyes. Such determination to win and lose for both of us, but neither one ready to admit.
"What are you doing here?" I asked seriously. The sleep returning to my eyes. Maybe he was a sight for sore eyes, but tired ones? It was yet to be decided.
"I know that I don't like to sleep alone..." he said, "And I figured since that guy isn't here anymore you don't like it much either."
"I mean. I was doing okay till someone woke me." I yawned un-ironically.
"Well the truth is... I was being a little selfish."
"Aren't you always?" I snipped.
"Well..." he took pause, "I was thinking that maybe I'd sleep better with you."
"I'm not sleeping with you." I rolled my eyes. Full heartedly meaning it.
"Not sleeping with you, sleeping near you." He said again.
"Are you homeless or something?" I raised a brow.
"Diana." He rolled his eyes.
"What?"
"Why did you let me in?"
"I've learned not to say things that can and will be used against me." I folded my arms. "But you could say what you mean."
"Was it because you feel like I do?" He continued on, "Like you don't want to waste an opportunity to be near me. Like even if we fight or argue or whatever it's still better than being sorta happy with someone else?"
I could feel my heart pounding. Trying to figure if he started reading my tumblr poems or if this was how he really felt. I squinted my already sleep slanted eyes.
"Diana, it doesn't matter what time it is. What day of the week, or how much time there is to spare. If it's just 30 seconds, it's enough for me to make the trip. Just to see you." He was standing in front of me where I leaned with my hip on the counter. He put his weight on his one hand and with the other he reached out to hold mine.
"I know that I said we weren't typical soulmates. And maybe we aren't maybe this bond we have is stronger than that. Maybe it just needed time." He spoke with a hope that was severe. It turned my stomach because had it been a few years ago my voice could have said those exact words.
"You can stay tonight." I said softly, but still I could feel the pain I was faced with all these years that took so long to heal. If ever it did. "But it doesn't change a thing you said before about not wanting to be with me and it doesn't change all the times and ways you abandoned me."
He turned his head and grimaced. I knew what was coming. "Don't apologize. Just change or don't." The statement was clear. And he nodded.
I turned off the lights and headed to the bedroom. He followed sliding off his hoodie. When he got into bed beside me I felt all sorts of nerves and panic. But beneath it all... just calm.
"Do you have to work tomorrow?" I whispered before turning off the lamp.
"I called out." He replied.
"Hm..." I thought carefully, "So did I."
I turned off the lamp and he pulled me into his arms. And I don't remember thinking or even falling asleep, just the pleasant dreams I had between seeing him.
The next morning I woke to the strangest sensation. A weight on the other side of the bed. Theo had always been a morning person, the few times he had spent the night in my bed he was up and at em before I opened my eyes. That's just how the military affects people, I supposed.
I looked at the clock on my nightstand and huffed... 8:04am. I was running behind, but at least I slept good.
I looked over at him once. His shirtless body chest down beneath my blankets. Arm folded beneath the pillow, but I stopped myself from engraving the image in my head. He wouldn't stay long and I didn't need the memory.
When I was half way through my yoga routine he appeared into the room scratching his head. I thought to myself, I'd rather that than his balls. I expected him to wake earlier since I wasn't necessarily playing my music quietly.
"Good morning." I smiled from my pigeon pose. I watched his eyes twinkle.
"Damn, did I already miss downward dog?" He joked.
"Shut up!" I laughed standing. The last thing either of us needed was to be tempted.
"How'd you sleep?" I asked him, wondering if he slept as good as I did.
"I slept okay," he shrugged, "Maybe you're not my soulmate after all."
"Maybe." I replied stepping into the kitchen as he sat in my swing chair. I felt that he was joking, but he needed to know that nothing in me was willing to take him seriously again.
"I'm joking, Diana." He said seriously.
"I'm not," I said nonchalantly, "waffles or pancakes?"
"Hey." He looked at me seriously from the chair, yet I could only note how silly he looked in the fluffy cushion of the egg shape.
"Waffles or pancakes?" I asked again. "You think I called out of work to have a regular day?"
He sat back irritated, "Waffles." He wanted more from me, expected more, and I expected less from him. These were the stories we wrote in each other's heads. We defined ourselves with our past action. I know I've changed since then, but the one thing that remained was that I loved him. However back then... it was always up in the air if he felt the same... always some hidden artifact that was hard to excavate. That was always how the truth was and since I never knew for sure then I don't even know if it could endure. Because I don't know that it was there.
For all I know... he's just bored.
This time he helped me to make the meal... I figured scrambled eggs and sausage wasn't too hard to manage. When we sat at the table I looked at his face. I wondered about the drugs and if he was still doing them.
"Okay so yesterday you were able to tangle my tired brain in your lie," I said as we sat down "Now tell me why you really came by here."
"I was in town for something, and I didn't feel like driving back home." He said.
"Okay."
"Seriously?!" He slapped his hand on the table in disbelief. "You're gonna take that? You believe that?"
"It's nothing you haven't said in the past" I stated simply, squeezing whip cream on top of my waffle, "Besides maybe you'll learn to stop saying things you don't mean." I shrugged licking some of it off my finger.
He looked at me with my finger in my mouth, following it, briefly. I only regretted it a little bit as his cheeks turned a little red. He took a sharp breath beginning to say something, but stopped the exhale with the cage of his lips as he met my eyes once again.
I smirked.
"I really meant what I said." He sighed.
"You didn't want to drive home?" I raised my brows.
"No," he scoffed, " I live five minutes away...I just wanted to be where you are."
I looked at him, midway bringing my waffle to my mouth. I paused to examine him. Expecting it to be difficult to see through the mirage he often was... but he was like a thin white curtain over an open window... wind just blowing through.
" You're serious?" My brow furrowed.
"I know it's weird." He said now pouring syrup over his own waffle. "But... I just feel like I wasted so much time away from you. Thinking we had all this time and that I could wait till I was ready... and keep playing around."
I nodded along, mouth full of food.
"But something happened to me recently, and I realized... what's important."
I looked up at him, his eyes were glassy and distant. Something was in there weighing on him... and it was heavy. And I knew he wasn't gonna tell me, not yet.
"Okay." I released him from further explanation.
We enjoyed the rest of our breakfast, though I found the conversation suspicious. How could he really genuinely be interested...when he never was before.
I wondered if he was trying too hard and would eventually be just how he was before. Only resenting me for his restlessness. I think he could tell I was guarded.
I excused myself from his presence to shower, I still had things to do today. As I stood in the shower I felt the a cold whoosh of air from the door opening. I didn't turn however. I felt a nervous excitement, but I didn't burst from the opaque glass door, I wanted him to do what he was going to do.
The invitation was in my silence.
He opened the glass and stepped inside. I internally committed to the idea of my hair getting wet a day earlier than I intended. Slowly I turned around to look at him, as he stood there, naked. I could feel the water beginning to penetrate the back of my curls as I kept my distance. I didn't cover myself, but I definitely was sucking in my stomach. His eyes looked at my face first, studying me. Then they began to travel down, I imagined that he could see my heart beating beneath my skin. However I did take the time to look over him as well.
I hadn't yet admitted it to myself, but he was far more muscular than he was in the past. H even seemed taller than I remembered and his chest was wider. Everything about him more masculine. More of a man. Even the scar above his right hip. Instinctively I reached out to touch it. Before I realized what I was doing I looked up at him.
He was watching me carefully... I mean the scar was ugly. Not cosmetically, but in the capacity that whatever happened was awful. His eyes were stoic. But in them I could still see the pain. It softened my heart. I knew though, he wouldn't tell me today.
So I removed my hand and stepped backwards to fully wet my hair. He watched me as I closed my eyes beneath the water. I expected myself to be more nervous about being nude with him watching me... but just like before he made me feel comfortable in my own skin... if not for the sole fact that he enjoyed seeing it. When I opened my eyes again, he was still looking.
"I've never seen your hair wet before." He said as he reached out to touch it. I smiled gingerly unsure of how to react.
The back of his knuckles travelled to my shoulder, down my arm, and arrived slowly to my waist. I tried my hardest to hide how bad I wanted him. My knees were shaking under the weight of my desire. I was like a deer in headlights, entranced, afraid to move. He grabbed my waist and pull me closer, I took a step forward as he began to reach out his other hand. My heart sounded like a drumroll by then. His eyes never leaving mine. I bit my lip, he looked down at them. Close so close. Close enough to touch. I began to close my eyes, ready for his lips on mine—
"Scuse me." He said, I opened my eyes and realized he was just trying to get to the water. He chuckled and I laughed embarrassed. But I mean we were both naked in the shower... what was I supposed to think? We shuffled around and he grabbed my body wash.
"Cucumber melon?" He said reading the bottle.
I snorted, "You wanna be clean or not?"
He looked at me, "You wash my back,"
"You wash mine?" I smiled. I was glad he didn't escalate the situation. That way I didn't have to be a kill joy.
I stepped out of the shower to the cabinet and brought him a small towel. He washed and I washed simultaneously and when he turned his back toward me I faltered. The continuation of the scar was affecting me. However, I did manage to do my job.
When I turned I was again nervous... or possibly excited. Definitely aroused. He slowly wiped the towel across my back and I could feel how much he wanted it to be his hands. Or how much I did.
I felt his hands around my hips sliding forward as pressed himself behind me. He groaned, I gasped. All my defense systems failed at that instant and I was running on back up reserves to uphold my principles.
He wrapped both arms around my waist in a sort of backward hug. Yep, definitely aroused. I placed my hands on his forearms as I wrapped my arms around the front of my body. Aroused and safe. I didn't move. So close, I thought. One wrong breath and I could slip and wind up with more than just nerves inside of me.
I tried to stifle my breathing, but it was heavy. He kissed my shoulder and began to sway slowly I rested my head on his shoulder as i began to melt in his touch.
"I wonder sometimes," he whispered "If we still fit. Just like before..."
That part jolted me awake. I remembered where I was and what was going on. I opened my eyes, he felt me tensing and released his grip.
I turned quickly and smiled nervously, this is why he was back. Just sex. "Well," I managed shakily as I turned off the water. My eyes glanced at R jr. and all of a sudden I could feel a pulse in my nether regions. I looked nervously back up to his eyes. "Maybe we'll find out." What the FUCK did I say that for?
His eyebrows raised, giving the intensity of his eyes a much more 'let me fuck you up against this wall now' look.
"No." I said.
He didn't look surprised, "Hm?"
"I know what you're thinking, and I said no." I reiterated. As I opened the glass door and stepped out.
"You sure?" He asked lingering longer, eyes heavy.
"Yep." Nope.
"Damn, I like the way you walk." He said stepping out of the steam.
I looked over my shoulder and smiled as I wrapped myself in a towel. I pulled one out for him and began to dry myself. I watched the both of us from the mirror. We looked good together, I thought fleetingly, we always have.
I wrapped my hair in a t shirt before looking at his clothes on the floor.
"What are you gonna wear?" I asked him.
"I didn't think that far ahead..." he said as he wrapped himself up. " I just wanted to see you naked." He laughed.
I giggled a little. "Here, throw them in the wash." I opened the closet with the washer and dryer in it.
As we waited for his clothes to wash, he watched me as I sat on an ottoman to rub lotion into my skin. Another mistake on my part. I sat on the chair at my vanity and he sat on the edge of my bed watching me through the doorway. To my own chagrin I made it interesting to watch. But I didn't look his way. I just took my time rubbing my arms, my legs my thighs.
"How long has that guy been gone?" He asked me through the doorway. I was taken aback that while putting on my show he was thinking about Theo.
"Three months, I think." I shrugged putting more lotion in the palm of my hand.
"Do you miss him?" He asked me, innocently enough. I looked over at him, he looked like a child preparing for a spanking.
"Why would it matter to you?" I squinted.
"So, you do." He sounded disappointed.
"Hey I'm not the one rebounding here." I laughed continuing on.
"You do." He affirmed.
"Fine, alright." I sighed, " I miss certain things, but I don't miss him."
"What things?" He asked me.
"I miss trusting somebody, I miss how honest he was. I miss somebody wanting to see me everyday, I miss somebody knowing me and having someone to—" finger quotes "'come home to'"
As I spoke he rose from the bed and slowly walked toward me. He grabbed the lotion bottle from the counter and began rubbing my shoulders and my back. It wasn't odd for us to be naked with each other. We had seen each other naked plenty. And though I probably would've been more self conscious, for some reason we were just comfortable with each other that way.
"But I don't think I miss him..." I moaned at the feel of his hands, "As a person how I miss..." I trailed off. I didn't want him to have the satisfaction of hearing me say, you.
"Hm." He said as again I melted into his touch.
"Well, I'm here now." He had me under his spell. His hands slowly rubbing my skin. I was getting tingles in a place I was trying to ignore. I moaned again.
"For how long?" I sighed.
"For however long you want me." He whispered as he kneeled down to my ear, "even if you don't." His hands once again reached around my waist. I suddenly realized that it was probably the safest place for them. Maybe he was holding back too.
"I don't plan on going anywhere." Once again I was losing myself. I grabbed his hands and pulled them up higher as I leaned on him. He kissed my shoulder as I brought his hands up to my chest, as he grasped my breast, I let out a sound that meant satisfaction.
"Hm." He breathed.
They stayed there for a moment. Before one began to travel down. My breath quickened as he kissed my neck.
"You miss me don't you?" He whispered.
His hand passed over my upper abdomen and I was beginning to see stars. It wasn't like I hadn't been touched in years, but if it wasn't his touch it might as well have been that long. My entire being felt fluid beneath his hands.
Down over my abs, my heart was kicking so hard I couldn't wait.
Over my belly button and I inhaled sharply, another second I would be gone for good,, his other arm was wrapped around my shoulders, and both my hands were holding his forearm as I spread my legs and arched my back, in preparation, in anticipation, in—
"BEEEEEEEEP!" The buzzer blared on the washing machine. Abruptly he stopped and both of us startled as the fever broke. I was disappointed but possibly we were saved from a larger mistake. I believe if his hand would've gotten where it was going, just a single touch would've sent me over the edge.
*ahem* I cleared my throat, "Let me put those in the dryer."
I stood up as he sat back on his heels.
Anything to have us both clothed. I put them on speed dry and went back to finishing up but this time I wore my robe. I dried my hair and fluffed it all the while he watched and spoke to me. Asking questions about it saying lot's of wows.
When the dryer finally beeped. We were casually chatting and giggling about things. I waited to put on any clothes until his were dry. I guess I'm weird about solidarity.
He watched me pull on my jeans and my clothes in front of the big mirror in my room. He leaned on on the door frame with his arms folded.
"What?" I smiled at him.
"I can't decide if you look better getting dressed or undressed." He joked, "I think I'm gonna need to see both first."
"Stop it." I laughed. It was decided that he would go home for a bit, grab a change of clothes and meet up later. Guess I wasn't done torturing myself.