I invited him over to my apartment. I buzzed him into the gate, and watched him get out. I was nervous. But excited. I hadn't seen him in two years. Since our rocky on again off again, fling in our early 20s. At the time I was living at home with my over protective parents... though it was thrilling, the sneaking around was exhausting. I felt like he was finally going to meet me. In a calm, anxiety-less, space.

I had everything, now I just wanted him to see it. To know I was more than what he knew before. But maybe I just wanted to see if he could've changed too.

"Wow." He said as he came in.

"Thank you?" I replied casually a little bit of nerves rising in my belly. "I mean... I know it's a lot going on in a small space..."

"No, I meant you." He corrected.

"Me?"

"You look amazing." He said kissing me on the cheek in his odd fashion. Our hug brief.

"Oh. Well," I smiled "thanks. Welcome into my home...finally."

"Right?" He laughed a little bit as I stepped aside for him to see further in.

"It's mostly my craft area, as you can see" I shrugged putting my hands in the pockets of my cotton jumpsuit.

"Yeah..." he nodded seeming awestruck. He started forward into the living room as I turned on my heel back into the kitchen, watching him over the island.

"It's a little bit of everything, huh?" He said as he brushed his hands across my fabric hanging from the cutting table.

"Yeah, you know I have plenty of hobbies" I looked at him as he walked. The record spinning jazz instrumentals was a nice touch. "Do you like salmon?" I asked.

He turned around and smiled, "Are you gonna cook for me?"

I squinted my eyes at his cockiness... "Actually I was gonna cook for me... but I didn't want to be rude." I smirked.

"Sure, I love salmon." He smiled again... sitting down at the bar as I began to season the fish.

We talked casually while I made the food. He offered his assistance, but I denied. He was my guest. When we finally sat down at the table he began to turn the tables on me.

"You know, you're so beautiful." He looked at me with his head tilted sideways. A mouth full of food. I laughed inwardly at how food really was the way to a man's heart. "Thank you," I nodded... "but you don't have to—"

"What if I want to?"

"As long as you don't expect it to lead anywhere." I shrugged turning my attention to my plate. It was always sex with him.

"I'm here because I miss you, Diana." There's that word again, miss. The one I won't use but for some reason he will.

"Life is strange that way isn't it?" I took a sip of my wine. "Don't make it seem like it's more than it is."

"Just being here is enough." He said. "In your presence."

Just then the record stopped.

I welcomed the interruption as he was staring into my eyes, using dangerous phrasing and action that I wasn't ready to answer for.

Instead of turning it over I foolishly replaced Miles Davis with the ever love sick Billie Holiday. Just as her voice began singing I knew I should have chosen someone else. Seated back at the table I wondered what I was really doing. Why he was there. His blue eyes watched me closely before he returned to his food. We resumed our life talk. Our conversation of existential crisis' and our paths up till now.

"Show me what you're working on." He said as we wrapped up eating and were only drinking now.

"You wanna see?" I recalled his only halfhearted interest in my activities before. I didn't want to set myself up for the disappointment I'd feel when I turned around to his glossy expression and his interest leading to sex.

"Yeah." He replied with surety, yet when I stood I was discouraged. Everyone's eyes glossed over when I spoke. Especially his.

He followed me to the sewing table and I showed him my sketches and my current work. Timidly I explained the vision and how far it had to go. But to my utter surprise his response.

"Wow, you made this?" His face was akin to a child watching fireworks. Amazement.

"Yes."

He took a pause and reached out his hand I tensed myself for the segue into physical contact but to my surprise he touched the garment and not me. However his eyes looked upon me with such pride. Like he was proud he had ever called me "mine."

"Wow." He said softly once again, just as the record gave a bit of static between songs.

I felt my cheeks flush and my smile weakly cross my face just as Billie began, "It had to be you..."

I instantly looked over at the record player admonishing myself again as he took up my hand, pulled me close and began to gently dance with me.

My heart began to kick heavily in my chest at the feel of his touch there on my waist.

"You are a goddess." He whispered,

"I'm just a person..." I tried to laugh casually.

"No you're incredible, you never cease to surprise me." He said as he spun me. I thought to myself, look at us doing grown up things together.

"Maybe you just weren't paying attention."

I shrugged looking into his eyes. Heart still pounding, ever so guarded. When we were younger we were so vengeful and vindictive towards one another. We never ended on the best of terms.

"Maybe," he agreed, "But I am now."

This was a mistake, it's gone too far now. I should have been more clear. But that slow sway held me in a trance. We said nothing, just danced. I couldn't help, but smile. I passed careful glances up towards him. His eyes glued to me. Not searching for something like before, but a look as if he found it. He pressed his forehead to mine and we both looked down... I closed my eyes just to feel it. His presence, taking in his scent, his calm. His soul that was always so far from me. To feel the open door and the gust of wind blowing me backwards spiritually, the only evidence, chills on my skin. And when the song was over we stood still for a moment. I looked up into his eyes... my smile gone. He was asking me to come in. He was ready now. He was inviting me to ask and offering the answer.

"R—-, I..." I breathed, he looked at me strangely. Not with bedroom eyes... tender ones. I wasn't used to the purity.

"Hm?" He replied entangling our fingers.

"I'm not available...right now." I carefully stated. I wanted him to know , but I didn't want him to leave.

"You mean... you're—" he furrowed his brow.

"In a relationship." I pulled back slightly.

I felt him stiffen slightly. There was some amount of pain in his eyes, as he loosened his embrace. "Is it serious?" He said calmly.

"We've been together a year." I placed my hands behind my back out of guilt for my touch. I watched him search the ground for an option of what to do besides storming off.

"You said you were coming as a friend." I didn't know why I was doing damage control. "I took you at your word."

He nodded slowly and smiled. The harm never leaving his eyes. "Right," he agreed, "I meant for us to be friends."

"Does he know I'm—" he began

"Yes" I nodded.

"And that we—?" He started.

"Mhm." I nodded again.

We stood tensely for a moment before he made an excuse to leave. "I know you're better than me." He said as he left out the door.

"Hm?" I questioned.

"You would never cheat." His eyes didn't even show doubt.

I was happy he wasn't gonna make me prove his sentiment. Because I know I would never, but he was someone I wanted so bad that when I couldn't have it, it hurt. Or... it used to.