Parental Guidance is recommended:

This Novel includes heavy topics: Panic attacks, Severe Anxiety!

I sat on my bed looking out my window, not being able to sleep.

Thinking about past trauma, and I just laid there. I got frustrated, all I wanted to do was sleep.

I just kept thinking of the next day before it happened. I was so fucking desperate, I wanted to know the future.

I wanted to know, If I would always be alone. I switched the side, I was laying on.

I had music playing loud in my ears, to help me forget my feelings. It's not like, I could tell people that I want someone. Not just anyone, I want her.

I remember smiling at every single text message and never wanting to stop talking to her. I always feel like I am bothering her. I hold my stuffed animal closer and I close my eyes. I start to tear up, WHY DOESNT ANYONE FUCKING LOVE ME! I JUST WANT HERRR IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK! I cry myself to sleep, and I wake up the next morning.

I wake up at 7, the next morning. I remember, I have to turn on my camera for school.

What if I look ugly? Will the teacher call on me, if I am the only person with a camera on?

All these thoughts kept haunting me, what if I don't know know the answer? I turned my camera off, it's fine if I don't get the points. I have my teacher in the background, and I put my music on. Listening to the sounds, of the song. I wanted to cry, I couldn't do this. I had so much fear of the things that would happen, I couldn't focus on the lesson.

"You can go for lunch." Teacher says. I sigh, it's not like I have anyone to text while I am eating lunch. Maybe, I will watch tiktok.

Tiktok: Your 2021 will look like, (soulmates/online dating.) skips to the next video: No one gets you and you have no friends. I hit the dots, and I say not interested. I eat my lunch, and I grab some fruit from the kitchen. Almost picking at it. I see, people dancing on tiktok.

Brain: You wish you looked like that don't lie, you are so fat. Oh my gosh, no wonder you have no friends. (That's not it, I don't think.) Think about it. I close the app, and I throw away most of my lunch. I go back to class and I work on the homework. Cause I had no one to text, and I suddenly feel a tightening in my throat. I go get my stuffed animal, and move to my bed. I wanted to scream, I started to sob. I started to shake, and I couldn't move. My mind was racing, to many thoughts. Did you get dressed? Did you do the chores? You will get in trouble, and they will be mad. Did you do your homework? You know you have to do that, if you don't you will fail the class. I start to text someone: ... (every word, I was trying to say. It didn't come out. I didn't wanna bother her and she was probably busy anyway.) I put the blankets over my shoulder. I kept shaking, and I put on the playlist. That I loved, it had gotten me through so much. I felt stuck, like everything fell on me. I felt paralyzed. I just closed my eyes.

A few hours later, I open tiktok: (cute couple pictures.) I want to love someone, and text them. I wanna cry and have them. Give me space when I want it. I wanna spend every single day if possible with them. Just a text, one text. Is that to much? I don't even want the idea of a relationship. I just like someone so much, I wanna do that with them. I know they don't want that, cause why would anyone wanna be in a relationship with me?