I dreamed so softly, the smile on my face. I could feel my heat beating so fast. I just wanted her next to me. I knew that no one got those feelings out of me the way she did, it was different. I just wanted to talk to her more.
I called her and I saw her face. She started to smile, and I couldn't help but to smile. So many emotions came out of me. She was so pretty, and the way she looked at me. I started to giggle, the way I giggled. Came off light.
"You are so adorable." She says smiling, while I try to hide my face. I didn't want her to see my smile. I always hated it.
"MEEEEEEEEEE?" I say confused, was she talking to me? Who is this adorable person she is speaking of?
"yes you" She says this so cute, my heart just melts.
Then I get anxiety, it comes out of no where, I was overthinking so much. (What if she hates you? She doesn't wanna be with you, she is just being with cause she feels sorry for you. What if she loses feelings. You don't do anything, you are always a burden on people.) STOP STOPP! I yelled at my thoughts.
I started to tear up, I didn't want to think these things. It just felt natural to feel so down, it was like once I was happy. My anxiety decided it had to be there and wreck things.
Whenever, I felt so lost. I would curl up and my head would never shut up. It had so many thoughts. It was never good ones, and every thought felt like pain. More than pain, it was misery.
I listened to one of my favorite songs, the strumming of the guitar moved so softly. The song just showed pain more than one ways. The way he sang the song, his tone. He was so sad, he was missing someone.
A lot of the time, I cried until I felt numb. It was my way to cope. I felt numb for a little bit after. Then, I felt bad for putting myself through that. I spent all that time crying and I couldn't do what I wanted to do. Anxiety is like a time consumer, it sucks up not only time. Your energy, and if you focus on your worries. You will lose yourself over and over again.
I keep thinking that, if I kept all my issues to myself. I wouldn't feel a burden to others. I still did, keeping all my issues inside made me explode. The more I kept it in, the more exhausted I felt.
Going to bed every night, and thinking about all the assignments I have to do for school it scares me. Not being able to sleep, and feeling so tired the next day. I felt like I was carrying so many things on my shoulders. I couldn't breathe, and I felt so lost.
So many people asking for help and no one reaching out. Feeling all alone, and it's more than hard. We always focus on what is going to happen or we focus so much on the present we miss the true happiness. It's so hard when everyone asks of something. We get so drained and everyone accuses that we don't do anything.
I get so scared of my body, my face how it looks to others. We have such a judging society and it hurts. I am hoping that one day, I can be fully confident in myself, and have the same confidence I have to others. I say how beautiful others are, I wanna be that confident.