I woke up to the sun, blinding me. Trying to cover my face, with my blankets. The sunshine managing to peek through. I was so annoyed, but it was time to get up for school.
I look in my clothes, and I was trying to find shirts that made me comfortable. It was hard, and it caused me anxiety. I looked in the mirror and it was hard for me to say anything good about myself. It was so easy for me, to look at someone else and say how beautiful they were. I never understood why it was so difficult. We see our flaws, and we could never find one thing that we liked about ourselves.
I took a deep breath, and I put in my head phones. I closed my eyes, and listened to every word, I could get so lost, so easy. I could lose myself, and I open my eyes, I looked at my phone.
-How you feeling?
I saw it, I started to smile. She actually cared about me? Maybe she feels sorry for me? I started typing....
-I am feeling good, what you said really helped me yesterday. Thank you, I felt comfort. I haven't felt that in a while.
I had a hard time accepting that someone cared enough to message me, it felt unnatural. I kept doubting, and she kept texting me through out that day. I smiled, and in my heart. I felt something different then I had ever felt. I kept getting drawn to her, and a few days passed. I wanted to tell her how I felt, I felt a tighten in my heart. What if she doesn't like me? I was terrified, I was scared. I really liked her, and my heart kept beating stronger.
-I just guess it's over silly feelings, haha. I just-
(I typed it slowly, it was so hard sending that. I was shaking)
(She started to type... She said..)
-No feelings are silly.
(I started typing back, I felt ashamed. I was embarrassed.)
-I don't know.. I mean mine are pretty silly.
(I read her next text and it felt so soft. I knew, that I felt comfortable telling her, how I really felt.)
-We can talk about them.
(I responded, shaking)
-Feelings maybe..
(she typed fast and using emojis that were so pure.)
-Well, what feelings?
(I was so scared, my texting was so bad. I couldn't think.)
-uh- just uh- maybe uh- feelings.. uh- cause if I told you then, I don't wanna be upset, if you don't feel the same.
(she is typing...)
(I was tightening my fists, was my message clear? Did I say, I liked her? I was so on edge, and every message. I would hold my breath and slowly breath after reading it.)
-you like me?
(it echoed through my head)
(-you like me? -you like me? -you like me? I was frozen, and I pushed through the frozen state some how.)
-yeah. But it's fine if you don't. (what I really meant was, I would be devastated if she didn't feel the same way.)
-This morning, I was telling my friend. How I had a crush on you. ( I Read through it many times, wait. Wait- She feels the same?)
It felt unreal, how could someone like me the same. I texted her the rest of the day, she was being so cute. I think one thing I liked about her was how kind she was, how caring she was. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Every day, I would wake up. I would see a good morning text, it made me smile. I felt so much comfort, and no matter what I was dealing with. She would be there, and she wouldn't push if I didn't wanna talk about it. She would also ask, and stay there. I think, I was so tired of people leaving. Not caring about me, the way I cared about them.
I don't know how to be a great partner, and being non-binary is a challenge. I am trying to understand myself, I am also trying to be there for her. I want her, in my arms. I wanna close my eyes, and feel her arms around my waist. I wanna dream of that coming true. I want a future with her and I know there are bumps along the way but, we can do it together.