I pulled in front of a sketchy looking building close to the county jail turned off my bike and swung my leg over to get off. When I pulled off my helmet, Suit was standing on the sidewalk in my way. I rolled my eyes and sighed heavily, "Suit." I stated tiredly. "Seriously, you need to get a better hobby, maybe you could take up knitting. it seemed to work for Sylvester Stalone's character in Demolition man. You actually kind of look like him except you are WAAAAY taller and have blue eyes. I don't even know what color eyes Stalone has but they are definitely not the same as yours. I am pretty sure nobody has the same color of eyes as you unless you have a brother. Do you have a brother? That would just be cruel and unusual punishment if there were 2 sets of eyes like yours walking around." I rambled on like I always do as I started to walk past him. He grabbed my arm again. I pointedly looked at his hand then back at his face. He let go of my arm and put his hand up in the universal hands off gesture. Good, he is a fast learner.
"And you need to take me seriously. You have no idea who it is you are tangle up with now."
"Look, Suit. I, "I drug out that syllable and pointed to my chest, "am not tangled up with anybody. You, "again with the syllable dragging, "are. The only way they know who I am is if you told them somehow and I don't see when you would have done that unless you posted your activities last night on social media and they liked it. Wait, do bad guys have social media accounts. What do they put on their facebook profile? Job: hitman for hire. Or maybe, on the favorites: beating people up for money. I looked intently in his eyes risking it for the purpose of getting my point across, "Did you tell them I was involved? "'Cause that might make me a little cranky." I paused, giving him a chance to answer me.
He glanced away huffing out an irritated breath. What does he have to be irritated about? I am clearly the one inconvenienced. I have things to do.
"I can't leave you alone until all of this is settled. I would not be able to live with myself if something happened to you because of your inability to mind your own business." My mouth dropped open and stayed there as I made incoherent noises that mimicked my incoherent thoughts. "I, you, are you serious, right now?" I finally managed to shove the stuttering words past my lips. "I followed you to the alley because, yes, I was curious as to why a $5000 Suit would be walking down a $5 alley after dark. I did not interfere with your…" I looked away as if the word I was trying to think of was written in the air behind him.- it wasn't, "business. I only ran into you because a rat attacked me and I did not want to die in an alley by a rat attack. No self-respecting female would and I am pretty sure most men would not want to die that way either. So, to recap, I did not interfere, you were clearly done when with whatever it was before you exited the building. If I hadn't run erm into you, you would have had to deal with the dude in the street instead of the alley and that would have been way less discrete-who knows you might even be calling my boss for some bail money. I saved you from all that and you didn't even thank me yet. AND" I drew the and out, my voice rising in both pitch and volume, "I provided breakfast and gave you a place to sleep. Have you thanked me for those. Noooo." again with the dragging out of the word adding much needed syllables to make my point. I ended with my arms crossed over my chest glaring back at his still glaring face.
"I bought breakfast." he retorted. "And coffee."
I hmphed. "Whatever, go away. It is Valentine's day and I really really don't want a man near me on Valentine's day. It never goes well for me. So find some other damsel that is actually in distress and pester her or him whatever your preference is I won't judge." I again turned to the bail bondsman's office door to open it. He let me go and followed me in. ARGH.
The office owned by my college friend John Smith-yes, that is his real name and he is not an assassin, was exactly what you would expect it to look like. John did not care about making it homey or even comfortable. I think he actually searched for the most uncomfortable chairs in the world to put in front of the butt ugly desk about 10 feet back from the door. The desk had piles of files on it, an old fashioned looking landline phone and a very out-of-place snazzy looking mac. You know the kind of computer that everything is in the monitor. It was bigger than my tv and definitely cost more. Behind the desk was your typical gaudy looking receptionist/secretary. She had big bleached blonde hair, stripper make-up, a tight sweater over her ample bosom and tight shiny black leggings like Sandy wore in the closing scene of grease. She was completing the stereotype with loud gum smacking. She started talking when I walked in, "I got three easy skips, just some small time missed their hearings this morning and," she paused her speech and her gum smacking as she looked up to take in Suit. She looked at me and then back at him and said, "Holy Fu--dge, Nora today is Valentine's day."
I grimaced and said, "I know but he won't go away. He thinks he needs to be my body guard just because of some little incident last night." I twirled my wrist up near my shoulder.
"Would the little incident be the shooting at the Golden Dragon last night." she asked her eyes narrowing. "And why did I hear about that through the police scanner last night and you have yet to tell me about it."
"Come on Shirlene. I just got here."
"You got a phone doncha? It has my number on speed dial number 2." she pointed her fake lethal looking nail at me. "It isn't that hard to text or I don't know, call me."
"It was late and I know you like your sleep." I mumbled and trailed off looking up at the ceiling.
She smacked my arm. "Girl, you text me next time. I don't want to find out about bullets and you in the same space through another source. EVER."
"Yes ma'am." I mumbled as Suit scoffed behind me.
"And you," she aimed her finger at him, "go away from her until tomorrow. You can pick up where you left off tomorrow." she crowded him out the door and then locked it turning back to me. "Where did you leave off? Did he sleep with you?"
Technically, we were in the same bed, but i am pretty sure that is not what she is actually asking. Isn't the English language funny, we say things that don't really mean what we are saying and everybody knows what we mean but sometimes like right now i can use that to deliberately misunderstand if I want to .
"No. of course not." She eyed me like she did not believe me. Which may or may not be true depending on which stance you decide to take with the language thing.
"He definitely needs to stay away today. No telling what the Valentine bitch has in store for you with that piece of fine ass around you."
"Shirlene!" I admonished. "Stop with cussing, you know I am trying to stop and you are just feeding it into my mind. Geesh, I thought you were my friend."
She rolled her eyes at me, "Girl that is a personal issue, not mine. You are not my momma and I will say whatever I please. I am a grown ass woman."
I picked up the folders of the three easy skips. "I am not taking on anything major today especially if they are all men. You know the way things go on Valentine's day."
Shirlene grimaced, "Two are men, one woman." I sighed. Fine.
I went to the back where we kept our sleuthing computers. To do some research on the skips. The first folder I opened was a 45 year old man who was busted for a DUI-Jerry Dunger. Poor man never had a chance with that name. What was his momma thinking? She practically doomed him to alcoholism with that name alone. Great, he is probably too drunk to remember his hearing. I keyed the address into my maps app and saved it for later. He is probably home right now sleeping off a bender. That should be an easy enough job. I can probably have that done by noon.
The next was a younger man, Jessie Stamling, 27, charged with vehicular manslaughter. I think I remember this story breaking. He was racing and crashed and killed his girlfriend who was in the car with him at the time. So sad. He might not be as easy to find, I keyed his home and work addresses into my map app.The third folder was a woman, Leslie Jacobs, charged with domestic abuse. I started laughing as I read the charge. "Shirlene!" I shouted down the hall.
"Yo." she answered.
"Did you see what this Leslie Jacobs did, I mean allegedly did?" I asked through my laughter.
" Yep. Can you believe it? I wonder what he did to make her finally snap enough to put rubber bands on his balls until they fell off. It says she handcuffed him to the bed for three days. Fed him and helped him pee and bathed him-took real good care of him even cleaned the wound when they finally fell off. This can't be true." I could hardly talk due to my uncontrollable laughter. John came out of his office scowling at me.
"Could you please refrain from the commentary on the skips crimes." He was holding himself weirdly like it was his balls that had been suffocated off. "It makes me uncomfortable. That woman should never see the light of day again." He emphasized his irritation by slamming the door to his office after disappearing back inside.
I glanced at Shirlene who was having as much trouble as I was holding back the mirth.
I turned to the back of the office and walked towards the kitchenette area. It had a narrow cabinet with a coffee maker on the top and a small sink. To the left of the sink area was a narrow refrigerator that held mainly water and gatorade. Yellow gatorade to be exact-ew. John swore by it. Says it keeps him spry. I think it should only be fed people being interrogated as an incentive to get them to talk. The back door was next to the refrigerator and there was a wooden board with hooks containing keys to various vehicles owned by Smith Bondsman LLC. It is hard to bring in a skip on a motorcycle so I was grateful John supplied me with more criminal toting vehicles. I picked up the keys for the Rover. It was one of my favorites. John had it fitted with closed end S hooks so that I could cuff the passengers to the seat. That genius move has saved me many issues. I yelled to Shirlene that I was taking the rover and proceeded out the back door. I rounded the front of the Rover on the driver's side to see none other than Suit leaning against the door. I thought about going back to get the keys to the mustang but I needed to get moving and this guy is obviously not to be shaken.
"Suit." I stated emotionlessly, at least that was what I was going for but I am not sure I hit it since my blood was starting to boil.
His eyes narrowed. "My name is,"
I quickly interrupted singing "la la la la la" and covering my ears. "Don't tell me your name. I can't know your name. Not today."
I bleeped the locks and said, "get in, make yourself useful if you have to be around me but I am putting a disclaimer out right now. If you get hurt today, it is your own responsibility, If I get hurt today you better not be around when I heal because I am coming after you." Stupid Valentine's day.