~You're kidding me.~
I read the letter over again then look at the pill that sits innocently in the palm of my hand.
~Cai wants me to kill myself?~
I crumple the letter in my hand.
"That dumbass." I whisper to myself. "So he cares about me so much that he can't kill me, yet he wants me to kill myself?" I scoff at my own question, then throw the letter into the coals of the firepit in front of me, and watch it shrivel as it burns.
~You think I have the courage to kill myself?~
"Well, for your information." I'm speaking to the mostly-burnt-up letter that is mixing with the ashes of the firepit, "I like myself a lot... In fact, I like myself more than you do, and I don't want to kill myself!"
"Azul."
I gasp when I hear my name, and look up to see Altan standing beside the fire.
~Shit. When did he get there? And did he hear what I was saying?~
"Yes?" I ask, and indiscreetly stuff the pill into the pocket of my skirt again.
He stares at me with his placid face, and I can't tell what he's thinking, I can't read his emotions. I have no idea what the repercussions of my actions are going to lead us to now.
"We need to go." He finally answers when I feel the awkward silence crushing down on me.
"Oh." I stand to my feet and realize I barely touched my porridge.
Altan's eyes flash to the bowl then back to my face. "Finish your food, first." he says.
"Oh, it's alright." I begin, "I wasn't very hungry and-"
"You barely ate anything yesterday." He interrupts me, "Finish your food."
When he doesn't say anything else or step away to wait for me to finish, I start spooning the porridge into my mouth at record speed.
Altan watches silently and when I'm finished my mouth feels dry and sticky from all the porridge with nothing to drink. I look around myself quickly but Altan is already handing me his water skin. I take it gratefully and chug the water out of it.
Altan takes the water skin back when I'm done and releases a small sigh. I don't know if I've ever seen him sigh before, I don't know what it means.
"Come on." He says. "We plan to ride through the night so we can reach Kiziljer by morning."
I blink. "By morning?" I ask, "We are going to get there by tomorrow morning?"
"Only if we leave right now." he says and gestures for me to follow him.
~So I guess the marriage is still on.... I don't know what else I expected.~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Altan is different today. He sits stiffer in his saddle and it's like he's avoiding touching me.
I wonder if that's because I asked him to not touch me, or if that's because of what he witnessed this morning.
A part of me wants to talk to him about it. I want to tell him that the kiss meant nothing and that It was Cai who started it not me... Yet, I say nothing.
I don't need to explain myself to him.
But for some reason, I feel a need to fix the awkward tension that is pulled tight between us.
"After we reach Kiziljer." Altan speaks, and it startles me. He has barely said anything to me the entire day, besides when he has offered me food or drink or if I need to get off the horse to relieve myself. "You will have one full day to rest."
~A full day, and then what?~
As if he can read my thoughts, he says, "After that, we will be wed."
I swallow. "Oh."
"I am agreeing to your desires." he goes on, "We will have a marriage without love." His voice sounds stiff and far away even though he's so close to me, "You only have to pretend to tolerate me when we are in public."
I nod my head, but for some reason, I feel guilty. I feel like Altan isn't saying this because of what I requested of him last night, he's saying this because he's unhappy with me.
I clear my throat and turn my head to the side so he can hear me speak, "What will the wedding be like?"
Altan stares ahead at the road, the mountainous terrain is slowly flattening out and turning dry again, I assume before long we will be travelling through the desert toward Kiziljer. "The Ceremony will start early in the morning." He begins, "There will be royals and officials from all over attending."
I swallow.
~That's a lot of pressure.~
"The ceremony is usually a lot of vows and formalities." Altan continues, "You'll mostly have to stand around and say 'yes' when you're called to"
~That seems easy enough.~
"Of course there is the love ceremony that follows that." he says.
"Love ceremony?" I question, I've never heard of something like that.
"Do you remember the wedding platter?" Altan asks, and my thoughts spin to the time he and I drank wine together, there had been a plate of cheeses, crackers, and fruits, he had called it a wedding platter.
My cheeks heat slowly at the memory of what else happened that night. "I do," I say and clear my throat.
"It's a tradition that the bride and groom feed each other the contents of the wedding platter," he says.
"All of it?" I ask, remembering how much food was on the plate.
"The love ceremony is done to showcase the love of the two participants." Altan ignores my question, "feeding each other is an act of selflessness and love. And the bride and groom usually finish eating the platter when one of them decides to kiss the other."
I feel my ears turn red with this information. "Oh."
~I mean, did I really think I was going to be able to avoid kissing my husband on our wedding day?~
"What about after the ceremony?" I ask, trying to change the subject.
"After the ceremony, is the reception." Altan answers, luckily he doesn't seem to notice that I'm acting nervous, "That is mostly talking, eating, and dancing."
~That sounds relatively normal.~
"Anything after that?"
There is a short silence that follows my question.
"After that, we will retire to the bridal chamber."