It's like Dejavu when I see the sandstone walls of Kiziljer peaking over the horizon while the morning sun shines its first rays on the rolling desert dunes.
~I've been here before.~
When Altan found me in the desert after I first arrived in this world, We had ridden on this exact horse and crossed over these exact sand dunes. The difference is, back then, I thought Altan was my savior, I thought Kiziljer was a safe-place, and I had no idea what awaited me. Now, I know Altan is actually my captor, Kiziljer will be my prison, and I know exactly what awaits me...
The soldiers that surround Altan and I are usually a rowdy bunch. I'm accustomed to hearing them jest and laugh while we travel. But as we've traveled through the night they've gown quiet. And by the time the sun reappears on the horizon the whole lot of us silently march on toward the city.
Something about it feels impending.
And my heart races when I see the familiar spires of the palace rising up above the walls.
~I thought I'd never see this place again... Yet, here I am.~
Contrary to my own uneasiness, I feel Altan behind me relax. He releases a slow breath from deep in his lungs as if he's been holding it for days... and maybe he has. For him, returning home with his lost fiance... Everything is finally going well again.
When we reach the tall sandstone walls of Kiziljer, the gates are opened and Altan's army forms into an intricate formation to enter, while Altan turns our horse in a different direction. He veers right, as if we aren't going to enter the walls.
"Where are we going?" I ask unthinkingly.
"The people must not see you returning." Altan answers.
I scrunch my eyebrows, "Why?"
We ride in silence around the circumference of the city walls, "you didn't run away." He says.
"What?" Confusion hits me.
"If anyone asks, you didn't run away." He elaborates, "You've been sick this past week, and that is why the wedding was postponed."
I blink... "Oh"
Altan and I enter the city walls through a secret gate that takes us right into the Palace walls. It would have been a perfect place to escape out of... but I guess it's too late for that now.
The inside of the palace is as grandeur as I remember it, but something about the place is far more bleak than I recall. The vibrant white marble looks dull in my eyes and the colors streaming through the stained glass windows only cast ugly colors now.
Amah greets us soon after we arrive in the palace, the expression on her face is incarnate of the way I feel about being back here. She smiles and bows to Altan but as soon as she looks at me her lips turn down and I fear she may spit on my face.
Amah disliked me far before I tried to run away from Altan, I imagine now... Now, she probably despises me.
"Welcome home, Your Grace." She says, but does not acknowledge me.
Altan places his hand between my shoulder blades, and my back straightens at the feather-light touch. It's the first time he's voluntarily touched me since he dragged me from the forest by my wrist. "The ceremony will be held tomorrow morning." He says to Amah, "Inform the guests."
She bows, "Yes, Your Grace." Amah turns and scurries off. Then for a very short moment, Altan and I are left alone. He looks at me briefly before removing his hand from my back. "Please," He begins, "please behave until after the wedding."
I blink again. The request is strange. I assume under normal circumstances that someone telling me to 'behave' would enrage me... But Altan sounds like he's begging me... As if even he knows there is no way of putting control over me. And something about that is empowering.
I give him an awkward smile, "I'll do my best." I say.
He searches my face, as if he's looking for some kind of answer there. I think he might want to aks me something, but our alone-time is cut short when two female servants arrive beside us. He turns away from me when they come to a stop beside me. "I'll see you at the ceremony tomorrow." He says and leaves.
A brisk temperature follows his departure and I find uncomfortable goosebumps popping up on my arms. I rub them with the palms of my hands as I follow the two female servants back through the winding halls of the Palace.
I don't recognize the hallways we walk through. And I thought that I knew this palace well. Eventually, things do begin to look more and more familiar. And when things become too familiar, like the marble staircase that leads to my and Altan's bed chambers, or the gold embellished white double doors that lead my rooms, I start to feel uncomfortable.
This place is familiar yet foreign.
I remember Aunty Ava saying something about learning to make a home wherever I am... But I'm not sure If I can make a home out of this place... Not when I feel like a prisoner here.
The inside of my bedroom is exactly as I left it.
Well, someone did make the bed after I left. But there is still a vase of chamomile flowers that I picked from the Palace gardens on one of my dressers, although the flowers are dead now. An outfit I had picked out is still hanging on a hook on the wall, and...
~Dear God...~
The note Altan wrote to me is still folded up on my bedside table.
I feel my stomach flip three times over at the sight of it. but I don't let my twitching fingers reach for it. I'm not sure what kind of emotions reading it will elicit, and I'm scared to find out... When I left this place, I had warring feelings inside me already... I didn't know if I liked Altan. But that was before I knew very much about him... Now that I've lived in the real world, I know he's more than the nice guy who kissed me on a rooftop. I know the other side of him, the angry side of him that will stop at nothing to accomplish his goals.
So why...
Why do I still feel so guilty about what happened between Cai and I? Why do I feel so guilty about Altan seeing it?
I sigh at the memory and the ugly feeling in my chest that blooms with it. Then I reach in my pocket to find the suicide pill that Cai gave me.
~I should have burned this in the fire as well.~
I set the blue circle thing on my desk and frown at it? "What am I going to do with you?" I ask the thing.
"M'Lady?"
My head whips around at the familiar voice, and I smile for the first time in what seems like days. "Dilera?"
My maidservant stands in front of me, her cute circle face and her pin-straight hair. She's smiling at me too, but her eyes look watery. "I was so worried about you, M'lady!" She confesses and a tear runs down her cheek that clenches my heart.
I'm not sure what the formalities usually are between nobility and their servants. But I don't care, I run across the room and hug her, more tears release from her eyes as I do and her body stiffens as she probably was not expecting my embrace.
I realize for the first time, not everything in this Palace is awful. "I'm sorry," I tell her.
She shakes her head, "No, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have let that man kidnap you!"
I stare at her as the words she said hit my brain.
~Is that what everyone thinks? that I was kidnapped?~
"His Grace was so worried about you." Dilera admits, and wipes tears from her eyes. "When he realized you were missing he nearly turned the whole town upside down!" she shakes her head as she recalls, "He vowed if he couldn't find you, he wouldn't ever marry."
My eye widen, "He did?"
She nods and sniffles, "I'm so happy you're back."
I smile again, but this time my confusion is making my lips heavier. I hug her again. "I'm back now." I comfort her, "Everything will be alright." I lie.