After about a month of the workload of my courses increasing, finishing midterms, and Julian and I spending a lot of time together (either to have sex or not), I finally had finished Where to Find Me In Hell. After realizing the demon woman's true intentions from the beginning, Samuel had gone through a period of self-hatred and begged for forgiveness from God. After he had worked through some self changes and put himself back on the right track, he ditches the demon woman to focus solely on reconnecting with his childhood friend in heaven. By the end of the story, he and his friend both happily reunite in the afterlife.
What the hell kind of bland, generic, typical happy ending was that? And here I was the entire time, hoping that Samuel would end up embracing his newfound love for this tempting woman that he fell for, this woman who gave him everything, accepting his fate to forever spend the rest of his life in hell. Maybe the story would have been more interesting if it went in that route.
But no, he decides to stick on his path of being some boring goody-two-shoes just to be with some girl he had been pining over since childhood. I thought it was pathetic. He had fallen in love with the demon woman and still loved her even after finding out her true intentions, but decided to back out of spending the rest of his life with her just for a "pure" life?
Bull. Shit.
Julian and I ended up having a little bit of a disagreement over our opinions when it came to the ending of the novel.
"I finished the book," I said to him when I came over to his apartment. I was seated on the couch and Peggy was comfortably laying down across my lap as I rubbed her belly.
"Oh? So, what did you think?" Julian asked me as he was washing dishes in the kitchen.
I sighed. "I'm disappointed," I honestly admitted. "I thought the ending was awful."
Julian didn't seem to give much of a reaction, as if he expected that I would say something like that. "Ah, is that so? I can't say I'm really surprised."
I tilted my head in thought. "What's that supposed to mean?"
He finished cleaning the last dish before putting it on the drying rack as he wiped his hands with a towel. "Well, it seems a lot of the younger audience who've read the book seem to think the same," he said with a small smile, crossing his arms. "They all usually seem to find that they favoured the demon woman and wanted Samuel to choose her instead."
I shrugged as Peggy rolled over and hopped off my lap. "I mean, she had much more personality than that Mary-Sue lady."
Julian chuckled, pushing up his glasses. "Those who are older usually find that Samuel made the right choice. I suppose I really am getting old."
I rolled my eyes before checking my phone. I had uploaded a selfie set the previous night on Flumblr of me laying in Julian's bed wearing a bright yellow shirt, with a vintage filter over the photos that matched the colour of the shirt.
I smirked. Seven hundred and thirty-three likes. A lot of people really like seeing me, huh?
I suddenly realized at that moment that I had grown somewhat of an ego lately. From getting more and more popular on social media to no longer being a virgin, I felt like my head had grown a few sizes bigger.
"What's got you smirking?" Julian curiously asked as he sat down next to me, his arm around me as he kissed my cheek.
I scrolled through my notifications. "I got a lot of likes on my recent Flumblr post," I said, pulling up the post before turning my phone screen to him to show him.
He smiled. "That shirt looks good on you," he said before kissing my cheek again before suddenly his expression dropped. "I'm not in any of the photos that you posted, am I?"
I shook my head. "Of course not. I wouldn't ever post anything that could have anyone suspect anything," I said with a smile, pressing a finger to my lips. "I'm very smart, you know."
Julian gave a small smile before kissing my cheek once more, pulling me into an embrace. "Yes, you are. You're my smart, beautiful, amazing boy…"
I giggled against him. "I know."
---
A few weeks had gone by since I finished the book. I had tried to return it to Julian, but he insisted that I keep it until the end of the semester and perhaps ponder more on the ending.
My mind had already been made up, though. I hated it. No amount of 'pondering' would change that. But since I loved him, I decided maybe I could at least keep the book in my possession until the end of the semester if he really wanted me to.
It had started becoming colder, as well. Halloween had approached, and although there were plenty of events going on regarding the holiday on campus, none of it really interested me. Nia had dressed up as a black cat and was going to some house party with her friends while I just decided to stay in and work on assignments for school. Nia insisted that the next house party he got invited to, she would bring me. Of course, I playfully told her off.
Julian seemed to be a bit more stressed out than usual, and I assumed that it had to do with him having to grade so many midterm assignments. But whenever I would ask him if he was okay, he would always insist that he was fine. He had become a bit more quiet and distant as well, as if there was something he was hiding.
I would never forget the bomb he dropped on me that one Saturday afternoon.
---
It was one Saturday afternoon that Julian had asked me to come over. The previous night I didn't come over because he apologized and said that he wanted to spend the night alone to have some time for himself. Which of course, I let him. I knew that everyone needs their alone time where they needed to have some space for themselves, I sure know I do.
But I couldn't help but slightly worry about him that night as I spent time in my dorm room getting on my knees by my bed and folding my hands together, saying a prayer to God to watch over Julian. Maybe it was stupid of me to only pray when I needed to, but I wanted to do whatever I could to make sure whatever Julian was going through would be resolved soon.
Nia had walked in on me praying and apologized for interrupting, but she wondered why I wasn't 'at my boyfriend's place as I usually was on Friday nights.' When I told her that he wanted to spend the evening by himself, she patted me on the shoulder and offered to hang out with me, as if something was wrong.
When I got a text on that Saturday morning from Julian asking me to come over so we could talk, I assumed this was a sign that God had listened to my prayers.
Yeah, he sure listened, alright.
When I came over to Julian's place, he didn't smile and come over to kiss me like he usually did. He was biting down on his thumb in nervous thought as he gestured towards the couch with the other hand, saying "have a seat, Cody," in a low and somewhat cold voice.
I took my shoes off before walking over to the couch and sitting myself down, gulping nervously. "Is everything okay?" I asked, looking at him.
Julian sighed before he sat down next to me. "I need to talk to you about something important. I needed to think it all over before telling you."
"What is it?" I asked, beginning to feel my chest become heavy. I knew that whatever it was, it definitely wasn't going to be good news.
Julian sighed and hung his head for a moment in thought as he still held my hand. "I've been granted an opportunity to teach at Falconview."
Falconview… That's a prestigious university far out east from here, I thought to myself, remembering that I had considered applying there before, but it was way too far from home, almost all the way across the country. "Julian, that's great. I know you've always wanted to teach at a prestigious school," I said with a smile.
Julian slowly nodded. "Yes. I… I wasn't sure at first if I should have accepted. I'm happy here, with you…" He inhaled deeply. "But I'm going to go for it. I'm going to chase my dreams."
All I could do was nod and smile. "Okay, well I'm happy for you, Julian," I said. "When are you leaving?
"After this semester," he said, and suddenly I felt my heart drop as my face fell. I only have two more months left with him…?
Julian blinked, as if he was unsure if he was ready to continue speaking. He exhaled. "Cody… I want you to know that the time that I've spent with you have been some of the best days of my life," he said as he squeezed my hand. "I couldn't have been happier if it were anyone else. I love you, and I want you to know that whatever happens, I believe in you. And I know that you're going to go places."
I could feel tears stinging my eyes. "What are you saying, Julian…?"
Julian lowered his head and sighed. "This relationship we have… I think it's a good idea to end it."
I swore in that moment that I felt like I got stabbed in the gut. Everything just seemed to have stopped at that moment, and I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing.
"Wh...why?" I gently said, my voice shaking. "I love you."
"I love you too, Cody… But I don't think it's going to work out well with such distance between us," he said sadly. "We would never be able to see each other."
"I don't care about that!" I said, slightly raising my voice. "We could text every day, video call, all that stuff…"
Julian sighed again. "Cody… I can't do long distance. I've tried it before, and it doesn't end well."
Tears were streaming down my face as I sniffled. "I don't care, I love you… I-I just want to be with you…" I weakly said, crying into his shoulder as he exhaled deeply and wrapped an arm around me, just holding me as I sobbed into him.
Julian pulled back and looked at me, who was probably ugly crying at that point. "Cody… I don't want you to feel like you're at fault," he said, moving my hair out of my face. "I don't want you to feel like you're chained to me, either. I want you to go on and love someone just as unconditionally as you loved me," he said as I just sniffled, wiping my tears with my sleeve. "But… I only want you," I insisted.
"Where would this go, Cody? We can't have a secret relationship to hide from everyone for the rest of our lives," he said in a more serious tone. "How would your family react knowing you were having a secret relationship with your own professor? How would that affect both our careers if anyone found out?" He looked into my eyes, and I could tell he was being genuine. Like he wasn't doing this to hurt me, but rather because he loved me. "I want you to live the best life that you can. You're young, and there's so much for you to do. Wouldn't you want to spend your life with someone you could be with all the time, and not have to worry about having to hide or making sure that you're not in the same picture together?" He said.
The thing is, what he was saying did make sense to me. I never gave thoughts as to where our secret affair would officially lead to. How would my family react, knowing I had seduced my professor? How would Julian's family react, knowing he had a relationship with his own student? All I focused on was on things as they were happening, so all I ever thought about when it came to Julian and I was what was happening in the present. So it was true—our relationship truly wasn't meant to last forever. I knew that was true, but I just wish it didn't hurt so much.
I closed my eyes and sighed, calming myself down. "But I love you," was all I could say as Julian placed his hands around my face. His hands felt warm. "I love you too, Cody. But I don't want us to hold each other back," he said as he wiped my tears with his thumbs.
I sniffled. "Do you want your book back?" I asked out of nowhere. Julian shook his head. "You can keep it, Cody. It's the least I could give you."
Julian spent a while just holding me as I just cried in his arms, still trying to come to terms with what was going on. Everything Julian and I had built… My perfect life… It was all over.
---
I didn't come by Julian's place anymore. We had stopped seeing each other outside of school, stopped texting, stopped anything that would have made us a couple.
I had skipped his classes following our break-up and rather just submitted all my homework and assignments electronically. I couldn't bear to see or hear him anymore. It was too painful. I found myself just sleeping in my dorm room all the time instead and it had Nia worried about me, as she figured out that I was going through a break-up. She had been extra nice to me, offering to take me out to go do things with her. Even when we did go out to do things, I still couldn't cheer up. I was still heartbroken.
One night I had found Where to Find Me In Hell in my room when I was looking for something else. I gulped, feeling my heart sink just seeing that stupid book. I thought about Samuel and that pathetic ending where he chooses his stupid 'dream' just because he was scared to spend his time with someone who was a bad influence on him. So what if she was a demon? She loved Samuel and gave him everything he could ever ask for…
Then it hit me like a fucking freight train.
I remembered how much Julian had defended Samuel's actions and found that he sympathized with his decision. I clenched my fists, thinking about how he had chosen to live his happy life teaching at a prestigious school than to stay with me.
I wanted to burn that fucking book.
I looked in the mirror, staring at my reflection in the dark for a good while. So, I'm the demon tempting him, aren't I? I asked myself, wanting to laugh even though I was angry.
Fine, then. I breathed in, smirking at myself. Something within me changed after that revelation. Something switched inside me.
I'll be a demon. Just wait and see.
---
Nia had come back from her class and saw me sitting on my bed doing my homework. "Cody, how are you doing?" She asked me as she sat on her bed across from mine.
I sighed. "I mean, it is what it is, I guess," I said with a shrug. "I'm not happy about it, but there's nothing I can do."
She must have sensed how down I was, as she seemed to suddenly remember something. "Hey, remember when I said that I'd take you to the next house party I got invited to? I got an invite for one next Friday night. How 'bout it?" She suggested, giving me a pleading look like she really wanted me to say yes.
Normally, I would have turned it down so I could spend time inside reading or something, but I felt like I was a brand-new Cody and decided why the fuck not! This could be a good opportunity to have some real university life fun and let myself get loose and wild for once.
"Alright, I'm down," I said with a nod, which even surprised Nia. "Really? Great! It's gonna be epic," she said with a big smile. "Can't wait!"
I nodded, even looking forward to it myself. My first party… I wonder how it will turn out. I'm nervous, but more intrigued as to what it'll be like.
---
After anticipating it all week, the day of the party finally rolled around. It was just like everyone says—girls do take a long time to get ready. Nia probably spent over an hour doing her makeup. For her wardrobe, she wore those netting-type stockings and matching gloves, her outfit all-black with hints of green. I just decided on wearing a hoodie and jeans with a black jacket thrown over it.
"How do I look?" She asked me, making me look up from my phone. I didn't know anything about female fashion, but I thought she looked really good.
"Nice," I said with a nod. "I hope you won't be cold."
She smiled at me. "A hoe never gets cold. And by the way, you look good too. Love that sweater-jacket combo. Always a fashionable choice."
The two of us finished getting ready before we headed out for the party that was somewhere in a nearby neighbourhood. Nia called for a ride from her ride-sharing app on her phone to pick us up and bring us to the party.
When the driver dropped us off, Nia and I got out of the car before standing in the parking lot of the house. It was a corner house with a large yard and hidden by trees, and we could hear the bass of the music blasting from inside the house and the loud mixed voices of the crowds of people inside as well.
"You ever been to a house party?" Nia asked me and I shook my head. "No. Never been to any parties outside of ones with family."
Nia laughed. "Well, we should probably stick together, then. Don't want a poor little baby fish like you swimming deep in the ocean alone," she said as she pinched my cheek, making me lightly slap her hand away as she just laughed again.
We made our way inside, the house being crowded with a bunch of drunk, sweaty, and loud young adults. I stayed close to Nia while we were careful to walk around other people while she checked her phone to know where her friends were.
"Shots?" Some guy offered to the two of us. He practically shoved the shot glasses in our faces and we pretty much had no choice but to take them. Nia threw her head back as she downed the shot before quickly shaking her head and sighing, giving the shot class back to the guy as he nodded as if he was impressed.
I nervously looked down at the small glass in my hand that was filled with a transparent, pungent liquid. I never drank alcohol before, and there was something telling me that I shouldn't, but something also telling me hell, why not.
I did the same as Nia, shutting my eyes as I threw my head back and downed the shot in a single gulp before slightly stumbling back and gagging. It tasted awful. The guy laughed before nodding approvingly. "Alright, alright. Have fun," he said before walking away somewhere to bother some other people.
Nia smiled at me. "You okay?" She asked, probably knowing this was my first time touching alcohol. I nodded with a cough. "Yeah," I said weakly before she checked her phone again. "Ah, my friends are in the attic upstairs. Let's go," she said before I nodded.
The two of us headed to the house's attic, where there were two other girls smoking from what I assumed was a bong. I had seen them in movies, but it was my first time seeing one in real life. It was made out of pink glass and covered in cartoon stickers. The room reeked of a skunk-like odor, which I assumed was the marijuana.
"Hey," the two of them greeted us as Nia smiled at them. "Heya. This is my roommate, Cody," she said, introducing me as I gave a small wave.
"Come sit, have a hit," the two girls said to us as we walked over to sit in front of them on the attic floor.
One of the girls handed the bong to me and I took it, clueless as to what I was supposed to do with it. I could see Nia was trying to hold in her laughter.
"I've never done this before," I said with a clueless blink. "Aw, baby's first bong rip," one of the girls mused as the rest of them giggled.
I had always been told growing up about how bad marijuana was, and how I was going to hell if I were ever to try it…
Fuck it, I'm already gay and lost my virginity to my professor. I'm truly a demon spawn, aren't I?
Nia instructed me and helped me before I took a hit, slowly exhaling to see the smoke leave my lips and rise into the air. Then I sputtered out a harsh cough, immediately making me lose whatever coolness factor I had previously felt.
The girls all clapped as I couldn't help but smile a bit. I passed the bong back to one of the girls before they all began talking about something that I wasn't really paying attention to.
Soon, not even a few minutes later, I blinked again, almost feeling like I got hit by something and my soul was sinking back into my body. Woah, I thought to myself as I blinked again, my face suddenly feeling heavy.
Oh boy. What have I gotten myself into?
---
After about half an hour, the girls and I were laying down on the attic floor, laughing about something that I couldn't remember what.
I could not feel my fucking body. Any of it. When I tried to move my limbs, they felt like television static. I felt like I wasn't even in my own body, but rather that I was merely a ghost driving a flesh mech.
I didn't know exactly how to describe it, but it felt good. Really good. I had to admit that I was initially scared when my high hit me—but Nia was here with me and assured me that everything was going to be okay.
"I love you, Nia," I said out loud suddenly, a wide smile on my face. "Not to sound cheesy, but you're my best friend. I never had anyone in my life like you. I'm so glad we met, I feel like I could cry." My eyes actually did start tearing up. "I'm so blessed to have such a good friend in my life," I said dramatically.
"Shut up," she said with a laugh, lightly slapping me. "I love you too, man."
The other two girls, whose names I couldn't remember, turned out to be pretty cool. I didn't know if maybe it was just the weed listening and talking, but I got into a deep discussion with the three of them as we all continued to take hits from the bong.
I could feel the heavy rhythm of the bass from the music downstairs, and I couldn't help but dance a little bit. "This song sounds like shit, and yet, I love it," I admitted as the girls chuckled. "That's pop music for ya," one of them said.
Nia sighed. "How are you doing, Cody?" She asked me. I just had the most stupid grin plastered across my face. "So good. I've never felt like this in my life, it's amazing. Almost forgot that I'm supposed to be heartbroken over my goddamn professor," I said with a loud sigh.
The girls all went silent. It took me a few moments to realize what had slipped from my mouth.
Cody, you fucking imbecile…
"You were fucking your prof?" Nia asked. I looked over at her and she just had this smile on her face as if she found it amusing. I shook my head, trying to deny it. "N-no, I was, uh… Joking."
"Uh-huh. Right," she said as she kept that smug smile on her face. "Well, you know I don't judge. I won't tell a soul, it's going with me to the grave. Or… the urn. I want my ashes to be made into a gorgeous eyeshadow palette," she said, doing the sign of the cross mockingly as I rolled my eyes. I didn't really care too much if other people knew now. It was over, anyway.
"That's fucking awesome. I wish I was having an affair with my prof… I really need a sugar daddy," one of the girls said with a dreamy sigh before she lit the bong and took a hit again, blowing smoke into the air.
"I wanna date someone older. It's so much more exciting," the other girl said, grinding more weed. "Guys our age are still so immature."
"I really thought he was the one, fuck," I said as I ran a hand through my hair. "I loved him so much."
Nia placed her hand on my shoulder. "I know you must have. You seemed so happy whenever I saw you," she said. "But it's not the end of the world."
"I know it's not," I said, sighing loudly before I sat up. "You know what? I wanna go downstairs. I wanna have some fun."
Nia raised an eyebrow before smiling. "Alright! Let's party!"
We said goodbye to Nia's friends before I attempted to stand up and climb out from the attic back down to the upper floor of the house. I could hear the faint moans and some clapping sounds from the bedrooms in the hallway—so Nia and I hurried downstairs.
The party was still in full swing, and I had to blink a couple of times to make sure I was actually here. I could barely feel where I stepped as I got jostled around in the crowd. My body was pretty much on autopilot mode and my soul felt it was floating along with it, like a child holding onto a balloon.
Everyone was jumping up and down and singing along to the incredibly loud hip-hop song that came on. Nia and I stayed close together until she got invited by some pretty girl to do shots with her, which Nia couldn't turn down.
I tried my best to find a good wall to lean against, finally finding some room at a cozy-looking corner. I made my way over there before nearly falling into the corner after clumsily tripping over someone else's feet.
I took a moment just to stop for a moment and take it all in—being at a house party like the ones I've seen on television or read about in books. The awful smell of sweat and alcohol, barely any room to sit and relax, and the music pumping so loud I could have sworn it was going to give me permanent ear damage. It felt good just getting lost in the moment like this, not having to worry about anything else. Even though I preferred staying inside doing my own thing, I had to admit that I always wanted to go to a party like this at least once in my life and have this experience.
"Hey there," I heard a female voice say. I looked over to my side and saw a cute black girl and her possibly whasian male friend approaching me through the crowd.
They're talking to me? I asked myself. "Hey," I responded, even cracking a bit of a smile. Normally, I wouldn't have even responded—I probably would have mumbled something before looking down. But I was still very much zooted.
"Both me and my friend thought you were cute, so we figured we'd both come over and shoot our shot." She giggled.
Shoot their shot? Does that mean they're hitting on me? "I'm into dudes, I'm sorry," I said to her apologetically. "But if I liked girls, you would have had me in a heartbeat," I said. Was that weed laced? I never would have said something that bold if I was sober…
She giggled again. "I'm flattered. Thank you," she said before giving her friend a little push as he blushed before she went to go back to dancing and finding someone else to 'shoot her shot' with. The guy stood beside me, sipping his drink. I guess he was also suffering from being the party girl's gay tag-along friend.
"What's your name?" He asked me.
"Cody. Yours?"
He nodded. "Noel. I'm nineteen," he said. "I go to Warrington."
"Warrington? It's kinda far. What are you doing all the way here?"
He gestured to the crowd with his thumb. "My friend goes to the school nearby here, so she invited me to come just for this party."
"Oh, I go to that school. I'm eighteen," I said with a nod. I was beginning to feel kind of thirsty, and Noel must have read my mind. "Cool. Can I get you a drink?"
"Sure," I said. Noel went off to refill his drink and get me one as well. He was kind of cute and he seemed nice, so I felt it would be rude to turn down a drink that he offered.
He came back and we attempted to have a conversation over the loud music and the crowd. The drink was a bit strong for my taste, but it would be embarrassing not to drink it. I mentally told myself to stop being a pussy and drink it.
We just made some smalltalk, about school and more basic shit as we stood in the corner watching the crowd. The more we talked, the closer Noel would get to me, and by the time I knew it, he was all up in my personal space and staring at my lips, as if he wanted to kiss me.
So I let him. Why wouldn't I let a cute boy kiss me?
He pressed his lips against mine and kissed me, and I kissed him back. Even though he seemed to be a nice guy, I didn't feel anything when we kissed. Not even the slightest bit.
We continued to kiss, because even though I didn't really feel anything, it still felt nice to kiss someone. It just felt really good to have someone to suck face with at a party like this, I felt like I was living my teen movie fantasy.
After we took a moment to catch our breaths, we went right back into kissing with more fervour as I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to deepen the kiss. Soon, I felt his hand on my ass, and I slightly whimpered as he caught it with his lips, feeling his tongue slipping into my mouth.
I tried to imagine that it was Julian who I was kissing instead, but it wasn't the same. With Julian, every kiss was special. This one didn't even come to a fraction close.
We were soon interrupted by someone shaking me by my shoulder as Noel and I stopped kissing. I turned to see the pretty girl from earlier who invited Nia to drink with her. "You're Nia's friend, right? Can you maybe bring her home? I think she's gonna pass out or something," she said to me with a worried look on her face.
I widened my eyes. "Is she okay?"
"I think so… She just had too many shots."
I gave Noel an apologetic look, and he gestured for me to go check on Nia. I followed the girl as we made our way through the crowd to see Nia sitting in a chair, hunched over as if she was ready to vomit. "Nia, let's go," I said to her as I lightly placed my hand on her shoulder. She looked up at me, immediately smiling and jumping up to hug me. "Cody! I'm having so much fun!" She squealed. I rolled my eyes, thinking about the 'don't touch each other without consent' rule we established.
I led her through the crowd and Noel approached me as I stopped. "Hey, do you want me to call you guys a ride?" He asked me with concern.
I nodded. "That would be great. Thank you so much," I said to him with a nod. Even though I wished that things could have maybe gone further between Noel and I, Nia was much more important.
Noel arranged a ride for us using his phone, in which I thanked him again before he asked me if he could have my number, which I didn't remember, so I had to read it out from my own phone to him. After that, I brought Nia outside of the house for some fresh air while we waited for our ride. She ended up vomiting off the side of the porch before apologizing to me.
Once our ride came, I helped her get into the backseat before sitting beside her and telling the driver where our destination was.
As the car drove along, I checked on Nia to see if she was okay.
"I'm sorry," she said, a sad look on her face. "I fucked up."
"What do you mean?" I asked her. My high had seemed to have mostly worn off, as I could actually feel my body was grounded again and I could think a lot clearer now.
She pouted. "You could have been hooking up with some hot dude right now, but instead you're here babysitting me…" She chuckled sadly. "I was supposed to be the one cheering you up tonight."
I shook my head. "Are you kidding? I went to my first house party, did alcohol and drugs for the first time, and made out with a cute stranger. I consider all of that to be an amazing night already," I said with a small smile. "I'm just worried about you."
She softly chuckled again. "I'll be fine… I'm just tired," she said before going silent, drifting off to sleep for the rest of the ride.
I still can't believe I did all that tonight, I thought to myself. Nothing wrong with having a bit of fun… My parents would totally freak out if they found out about everything I've done in university!
I smirked. I'm no longer innocent little Cody. I'm living my life the way I want—and this is my first step in becoming a real adult.
At least, that's what I told myself. But I could tell for sure that this was the start of me going through some serious changes in my life.
And how right I was.