{tw// suicidal thoughts, sexual content}
ERROT
Adan and I are currently on the conference room, all alone. My cheek feels like it was lit on fire. My skin is burning and it stings.
It stings so much I'm resisting the urge to touch it.
I'm pretty sure I'm making random faces of pain right now since Adan is laughing next to me.
"Yeah. Hilarious. I can't stop laughing." I said, giving him my coldest poker face.
"Don't be such a drama queen it was just a scratch. " Adan said amused.
"Oh and If I punch you in the face and break your nose, it will be just a punch right?"
"Draaaama." Adan rolled his eyes playfully. "So dramatic, Errot. I'm literally dying of how dramatic this is. Cotton candy barely touched your cheek with his knife and you're acting like it's the end of the fucking world."
"Will you stop calling him cotton candy? It's cringey and disgusting and it doesn't suit him at all. He's not sweet. He's not even bittersweet. "
"So he's just bitter?"
"Totally."
"You know. Sometimes. Bitter things still taste good."
I'm pretty sure my eyes got wide at that, goosebumps taking over my whole body.
Adan burst out laughing.
"I don't wanna know. I really, really have no desire of knowing. "
"Awe jealous?" He pouted.
I frowned. "Of what?"
His face fell but he looked like he struggled not to smile. He sighed. "I'm very disappointed, Errot. I thought we had something."
"Exactly. You thought. "
"Damn. " He placed a hand over his heart, dramatically.
"I don't like you. " I said while trying to keep myself serious.
"Double damn. "
I pressed my lips into a thin line, a smirk threatening to reveal itself.
"Aren't you out of bullets yet?"
I failed. "Shut up. Who's being dramatic now?"
He shrugged. "If we didn't match we wouldn't smash. "
I blinked. "did it take long for you to come up with this?"
"It's my best pick up line" He winked
"If that's your best, I'm deeply sorry for the people you've dated."
"At least I've dated people. " He said amused.
That hurt.
"Like that Tristian guy?"
Adan paused. I've never seen him turn completely serious and I seriously didn't think it was possible.
But now he's in front of me, his eyes stone cold and his face tight.
That lasted for only a couple of seconds and if I wasn't paying enough attention, I wouldn't have caught it.
"Who told you I dated Tristian?" He finally said, calmer than before.
His eyebrows were raised playfully.
"Your reactions every time he's mentioned?"
"Look kid, that guy? A big no-no. He's ..he was...he is.."
"Take your time." Sarcasm was my only coping mechanism right now.
Adan sighed. "He's bad news, alright? He's done a lot of things. He hurt a lot of people. He only cared about power and himself. "
"Aha. Seems to me that you're describing every single Ink right now."
Adan looked at me. He then smirked. " True. But he wasn't an Ink."
"But Canton literally made me bleed to prove that I was human."
"Yeeah. " He sighed again.
"What are you not telling me, Adan?" I frowned again, my head filled with unanswered questions and curiousity.
"Oh look, a Moccassin."
I rolled my eyes at him, without turning around "there is no Moccassin in he-"
"Good evening."
I almost jumped. Of course he was telling the truth, he can't physically lie. None of them can and I was still not used to it. I find it very odd how the most morally grey creatures on the entire world are forced to always speak the truth. Then again, I don't even want to imagine how the world would be if Inks could actually lie. I shivered at the thought.
"How are you feeling, handsome?" Elian asked me and took a seat right next to me, Flare following.
I turned to look at the place they'd come from as it was definitely not through the door.
I frowned at the empty wall.
"Portals. " He smiled. "Is the word you're looking for."
I must have known. I scoffed at my own idiocy, feeling my brain breaking into pieces everytime new information entered it. It was a big day and I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was lay down on the bed, close my eyes and never open them again.
I wasn't just physically tired. The events of the past week had taken a toll on my mental health and I felt like the more I fought it, the more it was tearing me down.
I was trying to breath but it was like my head was underwater.
My body wasn't even my own anymore.
My life didn't belong to me now.
Someone else had my heart into their hands and they could do whatever they pleased with it.
My soul was trapped. My freedom was trapped.
Everything I fought for, was only for my freedom.
All the choices I've made, all the plans I've schemed were for my liberty.
But now I had lost it forever and it was all my fault.
The easy choice would be to end it as it felt pointless now.
But I'm not that guy. Easy was never good to me, so why should I be? Oda is still with me. I have to fight a bit more. If I can't do it for me, then I'll do it for her. For the only person that was there for me when I needed her the most.
It would break her if something was to happen to me and I can't do that to her. Not when I know how bad it already is. I wouldn't wish that to my best friend. I wouldn't wish that to anyone. I hadn't realised that my hands were tightly clenched into fists when Elian spoke up.
"Still there, Errot?"
That seemed to wake me up from the never ending loop of thoughts that keep hunting me lately.
I looked up at Elian. "Did you say something?"
Elian gave me his usual amused grin.
"Nevermind, you can go back to daydreaming."
That shouldn't have pissed me off as much as it did and it made me realise that I still can't find it in me to forgive him.
I put my trust in him, our lives were on the line and he knew that. He broke our deal and risked everything. He risked us.
It was then that I remembered my dad's words and how people kept proving him right. Every. Single. Time. And they say Merlots are the lowlifes.
So, I decided to ignore him and stay silent.
After that, Elian didn't make another effort to talk and neither did anybody else.
I suddenly felt very awkward, the tension in this room could be cut with a knife.
Adan and Flare are usually very talkative but they both hadn't uttered a word since the Moccassins walked in.
Actually, Adan was awfully quiet. I glanced at him and his face didn't give anything away. He was neutral, staring blankly at the wall in front of him not even bothering looking at anyone else.
He caught me staring at him so he turned around and raised a questioning eyebrow.
I kept looking at him, trying to understand what he was feeling but his expression was unreadable, almost as if he had put a wall in front of it.
Until he smirked at me. He smirked and then winked and I felt my knees growing weak.
Why was I reacting to him in such way was a mystery to me. Every time I'm with him, next to him, I turn incredibly shy and I hate this. I hate him. I don't like how he's making me feel. It's so foreign to me and I don't like it.
I broke the eye contact and looked to my side not wanting to deal with anything or anyone else for the rest of the year.
But they had other plans for me.
A pissed off Canton suddenly walked in, looking as off as I've ever seen him. His black curls were thankfully falling into his eyes, covering his dark gaze as much as they could. He had his head held up high, confidence radiating from him no matter how he was feeling.
I looked down before catching Elian's stare. For a second there, I thought his eyes had that strange glint in them when he looked at Canton but I decided to let it slip.
"The Teals won't attend the meeting anymore as we had a little chat right before I walked in here. Either way I see that Elvina hasn't arrived yet so there really is no point in going through with it. Off you go to your dimension and leave mine alone." Canton said -rather stated- not so nicely. "Merlot." He turned to me. "On your feet."
I really wanted to murder this person. Nothing about him was nice. Amusing. Kind. Happy. He wasn't even a person to begin with. Everybody calls him a monster and from the little that I've seen this title suits him quite well. My impression of him keeps getting worse and I don't really think there's a way of it ever improving.
The only kind sentence I've ever heard him blurt out was when he told me that he wouldn't kill Oda. And even that was someone's else work.
I got up quietly and went to stand beside him.
"So we came here for nothing?" Flare asked and Adan raised his eyes to glance at her for the first time since she walked into the room.
Flare caught his gaze and immediately looked away from him, as if his stare was a curse.
"Consider it a gift from me. Your last ever trip to Ink Blood. " Canton said, not even an ounce of generosity on the tone of his voice.
He turned around and started walking out without another word. Adan waved me goodbye and mouthed the words "good luck" because I guess I'll need it.
I nodded at him and followed Canton before he had the chance to notice I wasn't right on his trail.
♛♛♛
The walk to the room was silent and it ended way quicker than I thought it would.
We got inside his room and he ordered me to close the door behind me and lock it.
I did just that and then stood unmoving at my spot, eyes stuck to the floor. "Can I go take a shower?"
"Did I order you to go take a shower?" Canton casually asked while now laying down on the same couch I found him in a few nights ago, with a new bottle of bourbon on his hands. He opened the bottle and started drinking already.
I bit my lip just so I wouldn't say anything I'd regret and muttered a quick 'no'.
"No what."
Cold.
I blinked and took a brief breath while running a frustrated hand through my hair. "No, your highness."
"Thought so."
He took another sip and rubbed his palm against his face.
Ten whole minutes passed like that, Canton drinking his life away and me standing at a certain spot, my eyes still glued to the ground.
My legs were starting to hurt and the pressure of the whole day was coming down at me in storms. I felt like collapsing but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
"Can I sit down, at least?" It sounded less rude in my head.
His eyes fell on me then. I felt it. Felt his gaze hovering over me, examining every single part like he was looking at me for the first time.
"Actually, come here." He said and sat up comfortably on the couch, liquor running down his throat in literal waves.
Hope he chokes on it.
I walked and stood in front of him now, waiting for him to continue.
"On your knees."
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at the king and instead I pressured myself down to my knees, jaw clenched.
He sighed. "It's been an awful day, don't you agree?"
"I guess." I mumbled.
"Fix it." He ordered sternly.
"How do you want me to do that, exactly?" The irony is dripping down my words but I can't really do anything to help it.
I heard him scoff and then his one hand went to the hem of his pants, the other still gripping at the bottle. He unbuttoned them and pulled the zipper down in one swift motion.
My eyes slowly moved from his feet to his pants and realisation startled me awake.
Horror took over me. I snapped my head at him, my face betraying my feelings.
He sneered when his now lazy eyes locked with my terrified ones. "Maybe next time you try to be ironic to me, you'll think about the consequences, love. Now put that big mouth of yours to work." He said drunkenly and placed his hand comfortably behind his head.
I think I was frozen. I was trying so hard to process what I was asked to do and what was about to happen that I couldn't function properly. My body couldn't function properly.
Canton groaned. "Go on, Merlot. I'm not gonna say it twice."
I didn't move. "You can't-"
Canton rolled his eyes in annoyance and pulled his own boxers down. He grabbed at my hair and pulled my head forcefully towards his crotch.
I felt my eyes widening and my body going numb.
Canton exhaled sharply and lowered his head to look at me. "Finally, you shut up." He gave me a cruel sneer that was literally shouting dominance.
It felt like a power play, he was using his position to belittle me, to prove that no matter what I do, what I say, I will always be below him. I will always be one of his toys. I'm his. I'm his and it's killing me.
He started pushing my head in and out in swift motions, his own head leaning back in pleasure.
Pleasure that I was giving him.
I suddenly felt nauseous.
Freezing.
I was freezing but he was so warm.
I think I turned pale.
"Use your tongue" he ordered, his breathing now heavy, green eyes staring into my amber one's and I think I'm either gonna pass out, vomit or cry.
I was surprised he even let me shake my head no but then again, he wants to see me humiliated.
One move of his hand and my mouth was so far in, I couldn't help but choke as my eyes started welling up.
Canton's gaze became more intense. "Tongue"
I nodded furiously this time, a single tear rolling down my cheek.
He pulled my head a bit back giving me the chance to place my tongue on his skin and trail it all the way up and down, only wanting to desperately get this over with.
It seems to be working very well since he is now letting a few breathless moans out, his eyes closed shut and his head resting carelessly at the back of the couch.
I can feel his hand loosening its grip on my hair, handing me the cue to continue on my own accord.
I decided to pick my pace up as I felt him getting closer to his peak.
My tongue traveled all the way down his tip, now teasing him as much as I can and praying this doesn't go on for much longer.
As if my prayers were answered for once in my life, Canton grabbed at my hair again but this time extremely hard, keeping my head still and in place.
A somewhat loud moan escaped his wet lips the moment he came right inside my mouth.
I froze. Again. Eyes mid-widened, mouth gaping open, skin paler than snow.
Canton had his eyes open again, looking as he was in a daze, his chest heaving while trying to control his breaths.
He then placed his palm underneath my chin and forced my mouth to close.
"Swallow." His drunk sneer was back on his face, his eyes demanding.
I did as told, not finding it in me to argue.
Not this time.
Disgust took over me and I felt chills running down my body making the hair on my arms stand out.
Vomit.
I have to vomit.
"Good boy" He petted me just a bit, pulled his pants back up and took another sip from his bourbon.
My cheeks had turned red, my lips were slightly swollen and my eyes watery.
My knees hurt.
My head hurts.
I feel dizzy.
I feel heavy.
I feel disgusted.
My feelings are all over the place, scattered in tiny pieces and I've never felt so desperate to go home.
Home to Oda. To hug her tightly and close my eyes and let myself free in her arms. I long to feel secure like that again. My comfort place. My person.
Who's probably having it just as bad, if not worse, right now.
And it's all my fault.
"Yeah I'd also cry if I were in your place. Mediocre skills. But don't worry, practice makes perfect"
That smirk.
That mocking smirk.
I wiped away the tears I hadn't realised were streaming down my cheeks and put on my brave face.
My you have to be strong now and break down later face.
My I can do that for just a bit longer face.
My don't satisfy him with your pain face.
It will be okay.
"You can sit on my couch now." Face back to normal. Cold, tight, serious.
I picked myself up and sat at the other edge of the couch, head down and trembling hands hidden inside of my sweatshirt.
Another sip.
And another.
And another.
Empty at last.
Gaze now burning at the right side of my face.
"Do you like Adan?"
My jaw clenched. "You asked me the same question a few nights ago."
Why is my voice breaking
"Will it be the same answer, though?"
I looked at him. "Why do you care?"
"That's for me to know, love. Now answer me."
Stern.
I turned my gaze back to my lap and kept it there. "He's caring."
Silence.
"Caring." He repeated. His tone indifferent.
I didn't speak.
"Caring how?"
"He asked if I was alright. Tried to lift my mood." My words came out mumbled, low.
"Hm." He took one of his knives out of his arm sleeve and started turning it around his fingers.
I stayed still. His drunk eyes glued on me.
"How was your life like? In Merlot Blood"
I tried to swallow, my trembling hands gradually starting to calm down on my pocket.
"Hard. Tiring. "
"How so?" Indifferent.
"We were being attacked all the time. We always had to run. To watch our backs because no one else would do that for us."
Every word is coming out bitter out of my mouth and I can't stop it.
"Us in..?"
"Me. Oda. " Pause. "My dad." Now my fists were clenched.
"Who's Oda?"
I blinked.
I wonder if I'll end up dead if I kill the king.
I'm not gonna take my chances just yet.
"My friend. The one you also enslaved." I decided to match his cold tone.
Brief moment of silence.
"Oh, the pretty blonde. Yeah, I remember. " He said and opened another bottle of bourbon, his knife still on his fingers.
My leg started moving against my will.
"So, what happened to your dad?"
"Killed."
His face turned stiff for a few seconds and then kept drinking.
"Mum?"
"Killed." I was staring at a bookshelf now across me, my eyes glassy.
He chuckled humorlessly. "And of course you fucking stayed alive." He mumbled against the mouth of his bottle and then took another sip.
"Yeah, sorry for the inconvenience."
"No worries" his tone monotonous, slow.
Silence.
One.
Two.
Five.
Ten minutes. I couldn't take it anymore, it was eating me alive.
My gaze fell on him. "Am I related to Tristian somehow?"
His whole body went stiff and then he tensed. His knife stopped swinging on his fingers. He looked back at me. Considered me for a few seconds. He seems way too into staring for a person who can't stand eye contact.
"Not exactly. " He finally said, coolly.
"Then?" I pushed.
He smiled just a tad. "You're taking advantage of me being drunk again, Merlot."
"You are letting me take advantage of you being drunk."
Silence again.
I figure he enjoys being silent. He enjoys someone else's presence without having to talk to them. He thinks before he talks. He's always sceptical. Cold.
"If you knew what's your part in all of this, you would be so.. happy."
I frowned. If I was confused at first now I don't know what I am. "All the more reason to tell me "
"Not for me." More than half of his bourbon is now gone.
"He's not alive, is he? He's a Merlot right?"
"He was born a Merlot. Like you. But he's an Ink now. That is, if he's still in this world. Nobody knows. "
I couldn't hide my surprise. "An Ink? How's that possible?"
He turned to look at me. We locked eyes. And then I remembered. I remembered because he looked at me the same way he had the very first time I met him.
"When I first met you, you thought I was him. You said something about a spell that wore off? It was you who turned him into an Ink. No? That's the spell you were talking about."
He averted his gaze and downed the rest of the bottle at once.
"Enough for today. I'm wrecked."
"You loved him. Didn't you? Is this why you're so obse--"
In a very abrupt motion, his knife was buried at the couch, right next to my leg, the metallic blade barely scraping the surface of my skin.
His eyes were angry and intense but his body screamed exhaustion. "I said enough, Merlot." Stern. Authoritative.
My eyes were stuck on the blade. I finally gave him a single nod of my head.
He removed the knife from the couch and laid back down again. "You can go take a shower and then head to sleep. Tomorrow we're going on a small trip. I have to take care of a few things and you're coming with me."
I looked at him.
He raised an eyebrow, bored. "Leave"
I got up and went to the room -my room now- that is conjoined to his. I closed the door behind me and slid down to the floor.
I closed my eyes shut.
Nobody will ever know that that night I threw up twice.
Nobody will ever know that that night a panic attack was waiting for me, under the shower.
Nobody will ever know that that night my tears covered me with a blanket and put me to sleep.
Nobody will ever know that when no one is looking, I become human too.
And that's okay.
A few nights ago somebody told me that I should be happy that I'm in pain and that pain only means that I'm alive.
I wanted to punch him. To shout at him. To tell him that he's a monster.
But now its over past three am and I'm laying here in my bed, a palm covering my aching heart while I'm sobbing myself to sleep and I'm thinking.
I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, sometimes monsters can be brutally right.
♛