CHAPTER 50: Growing Pains
BLAIR WADSON
Nagkusa na lang ako na mag-igib ng tubig sa malapit na sapa dito sa gusali. Pinigilan ako ni Jem pero sinabi ko sa kanya na kailangan kong mapag-isa. At isa pa, hindi na kasi naglalabas ng tubig iyong poso sa labas. Naglalakad na ako papasok sa gubat nang bigla kong maalala ang nangyari kanina. Eyrene was dead. Sa loob ng ilang linggo lang, dalawa ang namatay sa gusaling ito—Brooke and Eyrene. May parte pa rin ng sarili ko ang umaasang buhay pa si Celaena. But who was I kidding, right?
In those few seconds that I stayed uprooted to my spot hours ago, I could've cried for help and that would've maybe saved Eyrene. Oo kaibigan siya ni Evangelyn pero hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong hindi makonsensya. Ang tanging nakikita at pumapasok sa isip ko ay si Brooke. What I should've done that could have saved her.
Sa hindi kalayuan, naririnig ko ang mapayapang agos ng tubig. Bitbit ang isang balde, binilisan ko ang paglalakad ko. The sight of water running down the stream reminded me of calmness. But it seemed like I was too numb to feel anything right now.
Ibinaba ko sa tabi ang balde. Hinubad ko ang sapatos ko at umupo sa malaking bato, nakalambitin ang mga paa ko sa ilalim ng tubig. The water felt cold against my feet.
I was thinking that maybe someday if I couldn't take it anymore, I might consider killing myself. Wala na si Brooke at Celaena—ang tanging tao na nakakaintindi sa akin. I had already made many mistakes. I was a fucking weakling. Pero bakit pa rin kami buhay hanggang ngayon samantalang sina Eyrene, Celaena, Brooke at ang iba pa naming kaklase ay wala na? What made us so special to stay here this longer…
Gusto ko ng kasagutan. Why am I still not dead?
Because they always protect you. That's what the strong ones do—protecting the weak ones, the voice inside my head whispered.
Napalingon ako nang may marinig akong kaluskos sa bandang likuran ko.
"Are you okay?" Evangelyn's voice was full of concern. Biglang nagbago ang ekspresyon ng mukha niya nang lumingon ako sa kanya. Nagpakawala siya ng mahinang tawa. "What? Did you really expect me to say that?"
She was the last person I wanted to see right now. Walang bahid ng lungkot ang mukha niya. Normal, iyon ang salitang maibibigay ko na magpapaliwanag ng mukha niya. Evangelyn seemed so… calm. Her friend just died and I couldn't see any regret or sadness in her. Lumapit siya sa puwesto ko.
"I should say you are definitely a good actress," nakangiting sabi niya sa akin nang makalapit. Tumayo ako at akmang magsasalita nang bigla niya iyong putulin. "Alam kong ikaw ang pumatay kay Eyrene and there's no point denying it, Blair. I saw it. With my own eyes."
"What did you say?" gulat na sabi ko.
Tinawid niya ang natitirang distansya namin sa isa't isa. "You killed her. Correct me if I am wrong," aniya at tiningnan ako ng puno ng disgusto. "The perfect Blair… tsk tsk, too bad I caught you in the act."
Umiling ako. "I can't believe you, Evangelyn. Your friend just died and here you are, accusing me of her death. Do you have any feelings at all? Patay na ang kaibigan mo, at nandito ka para akusahan ako sa pagkamatay niya?"
She laughed, evilly. "Oh, Blair, stop it," she waved her hand in front of me. "Drop the act, girl. Tayo lang dalawa ang nandito, come on."
Kinuha ko ang balde at akmang aalis na nang bigla niya akong hawakan nang mahigpit sa braso. I could feel her nails digging into my skin.
"Bitiwan mo 'ko," halos bulong na saad ko.
"Sasabihin ko sa kanila ang ginawa mo," she whispered in my ear. "I certainly won't give you a free pass for what you did to my friend. What do you think Jem will think of you kapag nalaman niyang ikaw ang pumatay kay Eyrene?"
Pero bago pa ako makahuma sa kanyang sinabi, naglalakad na siya pabalik ng gusali. I watched her retreating figure. I clenched my fists. At naalala ko ang bintana sa kuwarto ni Evangelyn. Doon tumalon si Eyrene. Bakit nandoon siya sa kuwarto ni Evangelyn kagabi? And the argument they had…
Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko. Evangelyn wants to get in my head. Hindi ko siya hahayaang bahiran ng kung ano-ano ang isip ko. Or maybe she's right. I did kill Eyrene or maybe I had a part on her death.
*****
Napagdesisyunan nila Maru na gumawa ng maayos na libing para kay Eyrene. She deserved that, at least, he said. Kagaya ng ginawa nila kay Brooke, they did the same thing to Eyrene.
Gabi na ng sabay-sabay kaming lumabas ng gusali na may hawak na kandila. Gumawa ang mga lalaki ng isang malaking lantern gamit ang mga papel na nakuha nila.
Si Evangelyn ang pumunta sa harap para sindihan iyon. She wrote something on it and when she turned around, her cheeks were already wet.
"Hindi niya naman kailangang mamatay…" humihikbing sabi niya.
Mabilis na lumapit sa kanya si Maru para ipaloob siya sa isang yakap. Parang may sumuntok sa dibdib ko. I quickly averted my eyes and focused on the light. Hindi ko pa rin nakalilimutan ang nangyari sa pagitan namin ni Maru. Kailangan ko na iyong kalimutan pero bakit hindi ko magawa?
The light from the lantern illuminated the darkness surrounding us, giving everything it touched a dim lighting.
"Who would even do that?" sabi ni Kaleon na nasa tabi ko.
Lumingon ako sa kanya at nagkibit-balikat. "Probably someone who hates her," wala sa loob na tugon ko.
Tila nagulat siya sa isinagot ko. "Pero hindi pa rin sapat ang dahilan na iyon para pumatay ng isang tao," aniya. "You were there, right?"
Naalala ko ang mga nangyari nang nakaraang gabi. Everything seemed to shape in focus now—everything, sharp. When everyone asked Evangelyn why did Eyrene jumped out of her window, she only told us that she asked her to sleep in her room for the meantime. Wala na raw sa tamang pag-iisip si Eyrene nang makapasok sila roon. But she left the room to get Eyrene some clothes but when she came back, basag na ang bintana ng kanyang kuwarto. And Eyrene's body was sprawled on the ground. Everyone eventually believed her. But I was not convinced.
"O-oo," nagbaba ako ng tingin.
Mukhang napansin niya ang pagkailang ko sa topic dahil iniba niya ang usapan. "So, how are you, Blair?"
Napangiti ako. No one had ever asked me that until now. "Maliban sa umaasa pa rin akong may tutulong sa atin dito, masasabi kong okay pa ako," sagot ko. "How about you?"
He smiled. "I'm hoping, too, you know," halos bulong na sabi niya. "But I'm kinda thinking na we only have ourselves here. Na wala nang tutulong sa atin."
I turned to look at him. Kaleon was wearing his glasses and behind those, I could see clearly that he's scared—we all are. Ginupit na niya ang mahaba niyang buhok na bumagay naman sa kanya kinabukasan ng pagkamatay ni Brooke. He seemed to be getting thinner as the days passed by. At alam kong ako rin. Nararamdaman ko na ang pangangayayat ng katawan ko, hindi ko lang makita dahil walang salamin dito.
Kaleon and I haven't really talked ever since Brooke's death. Kung iisipin, dapat kami ang nag-uusap kasi kaming dalawa ang lubos na nakakakilala kay Brooke dito. But almost everyday, Kaleon was out somewhere.
"We are all gathered here to mourn our classmate's death, Eyrene Madrigal," Maru was saying. Sinabi niya na pupunta kami sa harap at ilalapag ang mga kandilang hawak namin saka magsusulat sa lantern. When it was my turn, I wrote, Be at peace. Hindi na ako nagtagal pa sa labas at nauna na akong pumasok sa gusali.
I found Vanessa sitting on the couch, her shoulders shaking. Mukha siyang umiiyak. Lumapit ako sa kanyang puwesto.
"Vanessa?" pagtawag ko sa pansin niya.
She didn't look up when she spoke. "O-okay lang ako. Go out there and mourn h-her death…" marahas niyang pinunasan ang basa niyang pisngi at tumayo. She walked away.
"I was not going to ask you that," I said to her. Narinig ko ang pagtigil ng hakbang niya. "Itatanong ko sana kung bakit ka umiiyak."
Seconds passed. Naghintay lang ako roon ng isasagot niya. She's not friends with Eyrene, I knew that. Kasi parehas silang may kanya-kanyang grupo… back then. I was not even shocked to see her and Evangelyn getting along just fine. Pero ang mga sumunod niyang sinabi ang nagpatigas ng kalamnan ko.
"I-I saw her that night… Eyrene…" bulong niya.
Then she walked away and went out into the back door. Ilang minuto muli ang lumipas bago ako makahuma.
Ilang beses nagpabalik-balik ang mga salita niyang binitawan sa isip ko. I-I saw her that night… Eyrene…
Lumingon ako, umaasang naroon pa rin si Vanessa. Pero wala na siya roon. Kailangan kong tanungin kung ano ang nalalaman niya noong gabing iyon.
*****
As I closed my eyes to try to sleep, different horrifying scenes kept on flashing in my head. Ang nangyari kaninang madaling araw lang ay hindi na maalis sa isip ko. Kadadating lang ni Eyrene dito sa temporaryang kanlungan namin pero wala pang ilang oras ay natagpuan ko na siyang nag-aagaw-buhay sa likod na bahagi ng gusali. Did she jump just like Brooke did? But her eyes, they seemed scared now that I could clearly see it in my head. Her eyes were searching frantically for something—or maybe someone.
Hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong isipin na baka may nagtulak sa kanya mula sa itaas na palapag. Or maybe I was just imagining it. Pero iyong mga bubog ng nabasag na salamin ay ang hindi ko maipaliwanag. It came from the third floor, specifically the window in Evangelyn's room. But Evangelyn seemed distressed when she came out. I felt like she really cared for her friend—Eyrene. Patuloy rin na bumabalik sa isipan ko ang argumento nila kanina bago kami pumasok sa gusali. Eyrene was accusing Evangelyn of something that she did.
Napahilot ako sa sentido ko at umupo sa kama.
"I need some air," I told myself and stood up.
Maingat kong binuksan ang pinto ng silid ko at bumaba ng gusali. I wanted to get some fresh air. Everything that happened was too much for me. I have never imagined myself in this kind of situation. Hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong hindi isipin na nangyari ang lahat ng ito ng dahil sa aksidenteng iyon. And even before that, the rumors going around the campus are maybe true. The protest about the New World Order, Mrs Chua's warning… everything seemed to fit. Lahat ng iyon ang nagdala sa amin dito sa gitna ng kagubatan. At ang lahat ng iyon ay ang nagdala rin sa amin sa bingit ng kamatayan.
Lumabas ako ng gusali at nakitang malinaw na kumikinang na ang mga bituin sa kalangitan. It was a beautiful sight. The stars were like tiny orbs glinting in the vast darkness above me, forming strange shapes.
Napansin ko ang isang pigura, ilang hakbang mula sa kinatatayuan ko na nakasandal sa pader. I realized it was Maru—he's wearing the same clothes he was wearing earlier this morning. Nakatingin lang siya sa kawalan. And I found myself wondering what's inside his head. I was about to go back inside when he spoke.
"Why are you avoiding me?" he asked.
Napatigil ako sa paghakbang at bumaling sa kanya. His eyes met mine. It was just for a split second, pero napansin ko ang kalungkutan sa kanyang mga mata.
"No, I'm not," tanggi ko.
But he's right. I have been avoiding him ever since that… damn kiss. That wasn't supposed to happen but it did. And I was forcing myself to just forget about it and just avoid Maru as much as I could.
"Yes, you are and you're not a good liar, you know," aniya at ibinalik ang tingin sa langit. "Please, stay. I need some company."
Napalunok ako. The last time we were alone together, we kissed. But I have a better grasp of myself right now. Maayos na akong nakakapag-isip ngayon. I walked a little bit closer to him but I still maintained a good amount of distance between us. Sumandal din ako sa pader ng gusali at tumingin sa kalangitan.
"You look sad," komento ko.
Narinig ko ang mahina niyang pagtawa. "Sino ba naman ang hindi malulungkot? We're in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of this goddamn never-ending forest. And oh, right, may mga unknown figures din pa lang tumutugis sa atin. So yes, I'm sad. Maybe even more than sad," tugon niya. I felt his eyes on me but I forced myself to not look back at him. "How about you? Why did you decide to get out of your room in the middle of the night? It's not safe for a girl, you know."
It was my turn the chuckle. "Safe? Big word," sabi ko at napabuga ng hangin. "Do you ever just want to go back to our normal, boring, student lives? I would rather write a thesis now than to be stuck in this place."
"Hindi mo sinagot ang tanong ko," pahayag niya.
"Do I need to?" this time, I turned my head to look at him. Nasa langit na muli ang kanyang tingin. "Ibabalik ko sa 'yo ang tanong—what are you doing here all alone, Mr Lonely?"
Malungkot siyang ngumiti. "Nice joke, Wadson. Let's see," he began. "I just learned that my girlfriend had been cheating on me for who-knows how many months. And I was a fool to not know about it."
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya. "Evangelyn?" pagkukumpirma ko.
Hindi na niya kinailangan pang tumango para kumpirmahin iyon. "Evangelyn and Samuel. Can you believe it? Of all the men she could pick, she picked one of my teammates. Mas nagmukha akong katawa-tawa."
Nakaramdam ako ng awa sa kanya. How could Evangelyn do that to Maru? Everyone thought back at Ellis High that they were the perfect couple. Who would've thought that the so-called queen could cheat on her king? They weren't perfect after all. At walang kaalam-alam si Maru na ganoon na pala ang ginagawa sa kanya ni Evangelyn. I wanted to hug him that moment. Sobrang naaawa ako sa kanya. I could only imagine what he's feeling right now. I have a particular hate towards cheaters. I mean, if you no longer want to be in a relationship with someone, just say so. Hindi mo naman kailangan mag-cheat pa.
"I'm sorry to hear that," sabi ko na lang.
Umiling lang siya. "Nah, it's okay," aniya. "I'm fine. I had the same experience with my parents. Mom cheated on my Dad so this situation is kinda familiar to me. Funny, huh? To think na I ended up just like my Dad."
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong sabihin sa kanya.
Mukhang nabasa naman niya ang iniisip ko. "You don't have to say anything, Blair. But thank you for staying."
"No problem," I replied.
"Can I ask you a favor?" he asked.
Tumango ako. "Anything," sabi ko.
I wanted to at least do something for him just like what he did for me when I needed someone the most after Brooke's death. Maru was there for me.
"I want to show you something first," aniya. "Let's go inside."
And we did. We headed to his room. Nauna siyang pumasok at isinara ko ang pinto sa likod ko. Iginiya niya akong tumayo sa harap ng bintana.
"Do you see that?" ani Maru at may itinura sa labas ng kanyang bintana.
It was a view of the moon. Mula sa bintana ng kuwarto ni Maru, malinaw na makikita ang buwan. Napakaganda niyong pagmasdan. I was amazed at how it seemed so near from my spot.
"Ang ganda, 'no?" he said, whispering. "Sobrang ganda."
I found myself nodding, my eyes still affixed to the moon when I remembered something.
"Ano pala 'yong favor?" I asked him.
"Stay with me until I fall asleep," aniya. "Please? Just tonight."
Bumaling ako sa kanya. "Maru—"
Itinaas niya ang dalawa niyang kamay sa harap ko. "Wala akong kahit na anong kalokohan na gagawin. Promise, peksman, mamatay man," sabi pa niya at nag-cross sign sa kanyang dibdib.
I rolled my eyes at him. "Fine, whatever," sabi ko na lang.
Mayamaya pa ay humiga na siya sa kanyang kama. "Gusto mong tumabi?" galit na bumaling ako sa kanya pero hindi ko napigilan ang pag-iinit ng magkabila kong pisngi. Mabuti na lang at madilim dito sa silid niya at hindi niya ako nakikita nang malinaw. "Joke lang, ito naman. 'Eto na, oh, matutulog na ho."
Umupo ako sa single sofa na nasa corner ng silid at nakatingin sa nakatalikod na pigura ni Maru.
"Thank you, Blair," mayamaya ay halos pabulong na sabi niya.
Naramdaman ko ang pagbilis ng tibok ng puso ko. And I suddenly find breathing hard. Napapaypay ako sa sa sarili ko gamit ang isa kong kamay. Biglang uminit ang paligid.
"How long do I have to stay here?" kunwa'y naiinis na sabi ko.
"Just until I fall asleep," sagot niya.
"Paano ko malalaman na nakatulog ka na?"
"Paano ako makakatulog kung panay ang tanong mo?"
That shut me up. Napaismid na lang ako habang nakatingin sa pigura niya. Lumipas ang mahabang oras at narinig ko na ang pantay na paghinga ni Maru, indikasyon na tulog na siya. I wasn't sure how many hours had already passed but it's still midnight outside of the window. I walked towards him to check if really was already asleep. Bahagya akong yumukod sa kabilang gilid ng kama at pinagmasdan ang payapang mukha ni Maru. He looks like an angel now that he's sleeping.
"Goodnight, Alegria," bulong ko.
Nagpasya akong lumabas na ng kuwarto ni Maru. Maingat kong binuksan ang pinto at humakbang palabas.
Halos malaglag ang puso sa dibdib ko nang makitang nakatayo si Jem sa labas ng silid, matamang nakatingin lang sa 'kin. The expression on his face was hard to understand. His arms were crossed over his chest like he'd been waiting for me to get out of Maru's room.
"So, Maru and you are a thing now?" bungad niya.
Napakunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya. "It's not like that, Jem. Maru needed someone—"
"He needed you?" tanong niya, mababa ang tono ng boses.
Nagbaba ako ng tingin. "Y-yeah… Evangelyn and him just broke—"
He quickly cut me off. "Alam ko," aniya. "Did he ask you to stay with him, Blair?"
Hindi ako sigurado kung ano ang isasagot ko sa tinanong ni Jem. "Jem, let's talk tomorrow. Goodnight, babalk na ako sa kuwarto ko."
I walked past him and almost ran down the flight of stairs. I reached the hallway and I was about to walk to my room when someone grabbed my hand. Hinila ako niyon paharap. It was Jem. Hindi ko napansing sumunod pala siya sa 'kin pababa.
"Jem, what are you doing? Sabi ko bukas—"
Before I could even continue the sentence, he kissed me on the lips. Itinulak niya ako at naramdaman ko ang malamig na pader sa likod ko. I tried to squirm but he's too strong. Nagpatuloy siya sa paghalik sa 'kin.
"J-Jem—"
This time, I pushed him hard. He finally let go of me. Sa hindi ko malamang dahilan, naramdaman ko ang pag-alpas ng mga luha pababa sa aking pisngi. Mabilis ko 'yong pinalis gamit ang likod ng kamay ko.
"What the hell, Jem?" asik ko.
But the Jem looking back at me now was a different one. Galit ang nakapinta sa kanyang mga mata. Sumilay ang isang ngiti sa kanyang labi. "I saw you kissing Maru the other day," aniya. "He was kissing you and you let him. Bakit mo 'ko pinigilang halikan ka? Do you like him more than me—"
Awtomatikong lumapat ang kamay ko sa pisngi niya. I slapped him hard on the cheek. I didn't answer him. I don't need to.
"Why can't you answer me? Kasi tama ako, 'di ba?"
I gave him one last look and walked back to my room. Mabilis kong isinara ang pinto sa likod ko nang tuluyan na akong makapasok. Napasandal ako roon at saka umupo. Noon ko pinakawalan ang isang hagulgol. It was too painful coming from Jem's mouth.
I heard him outside.
"I love you, Blair," Jem said.