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She was beautiful.
When I saw her for the first time, I felt as though time had stopped. The way her long white eyelashes patted her pale cheeks every time she blinked. She was in fact the most beautiful person that I had ever seen. In fact, she didn't even look human, she was like a snowy owl as she stared at me and observed.
She didn't cry of happiness when she got her meal on her first day. She stared at others wearily and cautiously. Her eyes would be sunken every morning I greeted her. She didn't speak and seemed very shy.
Realizing this, Arianna and I did the best we could. We laughed, treated her normally and asked questions without expecting an answer. It wasn't easy to do at first, but we could tell that she was slowly becoming more comfortable with us.
We were both surprised when she had suddenly asked what a cougar was.
How much more did she not know? What type of things did she have to abandon in order to survive? What did she do when faced against danger? How did she manage to survive for such a long time when she was such a tiny and fragile thing? How much pain had she gone through? Could I help her?
Those thoughts plagued me every night, messing with both my mind and heart.
I felt like I was about to go crazy when she decided to fight Tristan. I begged and begged Vans to disapprove the fight, saying that she could get gravely hurt. He simply scoffed and said, "Tristan could never beat her at the level he's at." I didn't get what he meant until she was actually fighting.
She was visibly half his size, yet she managed to get him on his stomach and make him surrender. Her eyes held no anger, no remorse or enjoyment. She simply fought, like it was second nature to her.
Her heart didn't seem to falter when I mentioned death, nor did she begin to panic. She knew and embraced it as though it were her fate with unmoving eyes.
What am I feeling? I spent that night thinking. Rolling over and over. I attempted to make sense of the strange and new feelings I was going through. I definitely wanted to be close to her, and I definitely didn't want her to leave, so was that it? Do I just want to be friends with her?
Tossing around once more, I threw the sheets off of me, deciding that my feelings shouldn't be the priority of the moment. I should focus on making her stay first.
The moment curfew was lifted, I jumped out of bed, scrambling to put on my clothes.
"Parker?" I heard Garrett sleepily call after me as I ran out of our room.
Nothing is going to stop me, I thought as I waited outside the single women housing. I'm going to make her stay.
I stood there patiently, watching everyone pass by and begin their day. I felt my heart begin to beat heavily when she would not appear. There's no way I missed her.
I felt someone grab my shoulder and I spun on my heels with a jump of my heart.
"Parker? Are you okay?" Lucky glanced at me with concern in her eyes.
"I- I'm fine." I turned back to see the entrance but she pulled my head back towards her.
"You don't seem fine. You look like you've seen a ghost!"
My head struggled to look back as she began to inspect my forehead.
"It doesn't seem like you have a fever."
"Lucky!" I roared and she stepped back, startled. Lucky's eyes began to moisten as she hunched her back. My eyes widened and my voice softened when I realized what I had done. "Lucky!"
She began to cry softly and I glanced behind me for a moment before grabbing her shoulders and crouching slightly.
"Lucky, I'm a horrible person. I'm so sorry I shouted at you, I was putting all of my frustration on you when you were just trying to see if I was okay." I rubbed circles on her arms to calm her down. "Lucky? Lucky?"
She mumbled something as she sniffed.
"What did you say?"
She spoke clearer this time. "Eat lunch with me today."
I didn't hesitate to agree. "Okay, I will."
"Promise?"
"Promise." I glanced behind me once more. "I'll meet you then okay? I'm a bit busy right now."
She nodded with a bright smile. "Okay! Bye!"
"Bye!" I watched her leave for a bit before turning back to the housing entrance.
My heart felt as thought it was being dragged through dirt when I realized that no one was coming out anymore. I scrambled to someone who was laying on a couch and asked for a favor.
I watched the girl leave and return with a shake of her head. "The room is empty, and she wasn't in the hall."
My heart dropped. I somehow missed her, my feet pounded against the pavement at the beat of my heart.
"Arianna!" I yelled. "Arianna!"
I found her sitting in the cafeteria, dazed and lost. My eyes searched the area desperately but couldn't find her.
"Ari," I grabbed her shoulders, "where is she? Arianna?"
She gave me a small smile that caused my body to freeze. "She's gone."
"Ari, she'll die out there." My body slouched while my hands trembled. "She'll-"
Arianna smiled again, placing a hand on mine. "She won't. She's strong, stronger than anyone I know."
Plopping down beside her, my hand slowly crept up and covered my face.
I didn't know what I was feeling, my heart and mind were all over the place, flooded with her image. Her eyes lack emotion, and while they scared others, I thought it was painful. Such beautiful eyes should not lack color. Her beautiful face should not be empty but full of smiles.
I didn't know what was wrong with me, but one thing was certain.
I didn't want her to leave.
She didn't have to needlessly put herself in danger or fight without fear of death. Living here would have provided her with safety, it would've brought life back into her divine eyes. She wouldn't have to use such worn and dirty hoodie, or cover her head to hide.
But it was too late.
She was already gone.
"Parker? Are you not going to eat?"
I blinked and looked at Lucky who had concern written all over her face.
I hadn't even realized it was lunch time, as I had been in a daze the entire day.
So I smiled, "Yeah, why wouldn't I?"
She returned the smile and went back to her plate as I made the effort to lift my fork.
She was gone. There was nothing more I could do. I couldn't go out there looking for her, and even if I did, who's to say that she'll come back with me? She barely knew me and I barely knew her.
Get yourself together Parker Small, I attempted to reason but my heart continued to sting painfully.
"Parker, Michael is calling you to the Restricted Section. Said he had something important for you to do." Lex, a courier for the Restricted Section, said while tapping my shoulder.
I nodded, "I'll be right there thanks."
"I guess our lunch is being cut short!" Lucky laughed.
"Sorry."
"It's okay, your uncle needs you. Go ahead!"
I nodded, standing up to make my way to speak with my uncle with Lex.
"What a week it's been huh?" He attempted to make conversation, but as he continued to speak my mind drifted off once more.
I didn't even know her name.
I thought lamely. I didn't know who she was. What she liked. Where she came from. I didn't know her and yet my heart ached. I didn't understand my feelings.
Was it the desire for friendship?
No.
I haven't felt this way before. I've never felt static when someone looked at me. My stomach has never made such ugly turns when someone fought against another person. My eyes have never stuck on someone for so long without getting bored. So the what was it?
I was pulled out of my deep thought as Lex forcefully pulled me to a stop by grabbing my shoulder.
Turning around to look at him with furrowed eyebrows, I noticed the tight smile on his lips.
"You almost ran into her." He hissed.
Her?
I turn around to face the person in front of me. The massive weight that sat on my shoulders was ripped off and I felt like I could breath again. I rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn't seeing an illusion my mind and heart created to make me feel better.
But it was true. She stood in front of me, her piercing eyes looking at me without emotion and it clicked.
When the war was coming to an end and our town went into hiding, we spent our days quietly watching films and avoiding the surface. One film in particular struck my interest. It was a romance genre, in which the female protagonist had fallen in love at first sight with the male lead. I found it ridiculous. How could one fall in love at first sight? I remember seeing my mother laughing at its absurdity while my father chuckled to himself. Now I realize it's because it should've been the other way around. He should've fallen in love with her first.
When I first laid eyes on her, she seemed like a small glass doll, beautifully delicate and able to break if mishandled. I felt the world stop. Her cold and empty eyes looked back at me and I saw a reflection of myself, mouth agape as my heart beat loudly. It was then that my eyes would never leave her figure, and if they did for a moment they would always look for her again.
Although she was quiet and kept to herself, I realized it wasn't because she was shy or awkward. She was wary of us. Wary of the way we conducted ourselves. Wary of the conversation. As if she didn't want to intrude into our lives and perhaps it was true to an extent but I felt something was strange.
I kept worrying about her. She clearly didn't know a lot about the world. Her eyes widened slightly when we spoke about film night, as if it were something she could never fathom. I mentioned it to Arianna who after a few moments of consideration, agreed with me.
I wanted to protect her, show her that life was not all about struggle, fighting, and survival.
All of this pointed to one obvious fact.
It was love.
Now, after giving me a scare, she was back in front of me. Her eyes seemed different this time though. They stirred gently, no longer asleep but slowly waking up from a hellish dream.
In synch with the beating of my heart, my hand reached out to her once more. "It seems like you'll be staying with us huh?" I said lamely.
She glanced down at my hand then back at me slowly. As I was about to drop my hand when I saw her hesitation, she placed her small hand in mine. My eyes widened. They're surprisingly rough, I thought, and cold.
My stupid mouth continued to move and my lips curled into a lopsided grin. "It's nice to meet you, my name's Parker Small."