I wish I could say that things went back to normal after that, but I would be lying. Everything changed, including my friends, my dad, and especially me. At the beginning of the summer, my friends tried to call but I kept saying I didn't want to talk to them. The calls came less and less as the summer went along, and eventually none. My dad went back to work, but he never focused on his cases and eventually started losing the majority of them. I knew it was because he was so worried about me because I didn't want to see anyone and I didn't want to eat. I just stayed in my room all day long. Everything was my fault.
Everyday when my dad got home from work he would run upstairs to check on me.
"Do you want anything?" he would ask. Every time I would respond with "I want mom."
I threw myself into books so I wouldn't have to think about the pain. I soon read every book that we had in the house, and when there was nothing left to read the pain slowly crept back in. It became unbearable to live with, so I turned to drastic measures, but at the time it seemed logical. I knew the only way I would feel better would be if I saw my mother, and I knew there was only one way to do that.
One night, I laid in my bed and looked up at my dark ceiling. I had nothing to read, so I just sat there as all the thoughts and sorrow I had tried so hard to keep out came back in. I was thinking about my mother and how much I missed her. I wanted so badly to see her face again and say sorry for killing her. I needed to see her at least once more. That's when the idea popped into my head. The only way I could see her again would be to die. I began to think of different ways to kill myself. I decided that the best way would be to slit my wrists. Tons of kids my age said they had done it, and I knew if I did it right, I could bleed to death. At the time, it seemed perfect. I ran downstairs and opened the fridge. If I was going to do this, I had to do it before my dad got home. I knew he would be the one to find me, but I didn't want to see his face when he did. I pulled out a beer from the fridge and ran back upstairs with it. I shut my door behind me and turned on the light. I opened the beer and chugged it fast. When I was done, I smashed the bottle on the side of my night table. I sat down and leaned up against it. I picked up a piece of glass and held it to my wrist. I closed my eyes and sliced the glass against my wrist fast. I didn't feel anything, but when I opened my eyes I saw red. I quickly did the same thing to my other wrist before I could change my mind.
As I sat there and let the blood drain from my wrists I realized the mistake I had made. Killing yourself was the worst sin you could commit. Now I was going to Hell. My mother was bound to be in Heaven, which means I wouldn't get to see her. I had done all that for nothing. I dropped the piece of glass. I could feel the pain now as I looked at the blood. I felt dizzy. I tried to stand up to get the the bathroom, but the dizziness was too bad. As soon as I was up I fell down to the floor again. The last thing I saw before I passed out was my father's panicked face.
I don't remember much of what happened after that. I drifted in and out of consciousness. I could hear the sirens and my dad's voice saying "Hold on Skylar, don't leave me like this." I felt cold and like I was slowly slipping away, but I didn't fight it like my dad wanted me to. Then, I saw her. Mom was standing right in front of me. She was beautiful. A white light surrounded her as she looked at me.
"Mom!" I yelled in excitement, then I ran into her arms. She held me for a moment and then pulled away and asked me what I was doing.
"I wanted to be with you," I answered.
"Oh no, Skylar. I can't be with you physically anymore, you know that. You have your whole life ahead of you, and besides, your dad needs you. I'll always be with you here," she said as she placed her hand gently on my heart, "don't you forget that." She held me once more.
"But wait," I said. I wanted to tell her everything, but just then I felt a shock run through my veins and she was gone along with the light.
I woke up the next day with deja vu. I was back in the hospital bed, but this time there were no get well cards. When I rolled over on my back I saw my dad wide awake. He had a funny expression on his face. I couldn't make it out.
"Interesting night," he said quietly. When I didn't say anything back he continued. "Just tell me, Skylar, why in the hell would you try and kill yourself?" he asked.
"I just wanted to see Mom," I answered.
"Honey, your mom is gone and she isn't coming back. Why can't you just accept that like I did?" he asked coldly.
"Because unlike you I don't want to forget her. And for your information, it worked. I got to see Mom last night, and I'm happy I did," I yelled. He looked at me like he didn't know me and tears started to fill his eyes.
"What's happening to you, Skylar?" he asked. I didn't answer because honestly I didn't know the answer myself.
I was in the hospital overnight. They wouldn't say it out loud, but I knew it was because they wanted to make sure I didn't try anything else. I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of voices arguing in the hallway. It was my dad arguing with my grandmother and Uncle Joey.
"I knew I should have stayed with you guys. Look what happened now! You're lucky you came home in time!" said my nana.
"Well I didn't think she was going to try and kill herself for God's sake!" my dad responded.
"Either way, she needs to be somewhere where she can be watched and taken care of. You need to work, so she can't get that kind of attention here," said my uncle.
"Well where do expect me to put her, a psych ward?" he said loudly.
"C'mon Ben, let's not get too excited. Why doesn't she just come and stay with us for a little while," said my nana, "I know a friend who can help her. She's a retired psychologist, but she comes and visits me a lot. We're old friends, and I'm sure she can help get Sky out of this mess."
"I already had my wife taken away from me, I'm not giving up my daughter as well!" said my dad.
"Think of Skylar and what's best for her," said Uncle Joey. I didn't know if I was dreaming or if they really were discussing what to do with me. Either way I was to tired to think, so I blocked out the noise and went back to sleep.
The next day I was discharged from the hospital. It was a silent ride home, neither my dad nor I said a word to each other. When we got back I ran up to my room. I opened the door. The sun was streaming through the windows. My room seemed different. It was clean, my bed was made, and my closet was empty. That's when I noticed that my bags were packed and neatly set on the floor by my bed. I ran over to them and started frantically unpacking until a hand grabbed my arm and stopped me.
"You're going to go live with your grandmother and Uncle Joey for a little while," my dad said, "We think that..."
"NO!" I screamed and started fighting back his restraints. He continued to hold me, though, and I continued to resist. I heard footsteps running up the stairs and my Uncle Joey came over and started helping my dad. Eventually I managed to pull away from both of them. I just stood there, breathing heavily.
"How could you do this to me? It's August, school starts soon. How can you expect me to start school in a whole new place? How do you expect me to leave you and all my friends and teachers and mo..." I stopped myself before I could say it. I knelt down to the ground and started to cry. My dad knelt down next to me and just held me. He didn't say anything at all. Silence seemed to become the norm.
When I collected myself and stopped crying, I stood up and repacked the things I had taken out of my bags. I was too tired and weak to fight. My dad grabbed my bags and my Uncle Joey helped him. I followed them down the stairs where my grandmother met me at the bottom. She reached out her arms and gave me a hug, then kissed me on the forehead. I gave a slight smile. If anyone, I didn't want to hurt my grandmother.
After my dad and Uncle Joey packed the car, I climbed into the back seat while my Uncle Joey grabbed the driver's seat and my nana rode shotgun. I didn't say a word to anyone, not even a goodbye to my dad as we pulled out of the driveway. I didn't even bother to look back, but I could just picture my dad standing there with his hands in his pockets.
On our way to the airport I saw all my friends walking uptown. They were all laughing and having fun. We stopped at a red light and they all walked by. It went painfully quiet as they tried not to stare. They didn't have to stare or say anything, I knew what they were all thinking. When the light turned green my uncle stepped on the gas and off we went. Soon enough, they were out of sight, along with the rest of Pleasant view.