Two weeks passed of non-stop learning and absolutely no alone time. Between my grandmother, my uncle Joey, Kat, and now Mrs. Cooke, I was constantly watched and wasn't allowed to be left alone except for using the bathroom and sleeping, and even in the night I was checked on. Mrs. Cooke gave me plenty of work to keep me busy and for a while it was a good distraction, but over time I was able to complete the assignments quicker which allowed for the thoughts to creep back in.
Everyday during my lessons, Mrs. Cooke would ask me questions about how I was feeling and all kinds of psychological crap. I never gave her a straight-forward answer. Usually, I just shrugged or said "I'm not sure." I didn't want her knowing my personal thoughts and business. I knew what she was trying to do. She wasn't just my homeschool teacher, she was a shrink and my grandmother hired her for that reason. Mrs. Cooke needed to realize that I didn't need her help outside of learning.
"So how are you feeling today, Skylar?" asked Mrs. Cooke one day during our lessons.
"Mrs. Cooke, I know what you are trying to do. I know that you aren't just here to teach me. I don't need anyone professional to help me. I'm fine. All I need right now is to keep up with my academics, so when you're ready to teach me, let me know." I got up and grabbed my books and started out of the room.
"Skylar, I'm just trying to help. Everyone is so worried about you," she said as I was leaving. I stopped in the doorway for a minute.
"There's nothing wrong with me. My mom died, do you expect me to be all warm and peachy? Just let me deal with this myself, I don't need people trying to get inside my head."
"But Skylar, remember what you tried back home? We're just trying to make sure that..."
"Look, just because I tried it once doesn't mean I'll try it again. It was stupid and I realize that now. Is that what you want to hear? Will you stop hounding me now?" I stormed out of the room and ran up the stairs. I ran into the guest room, shut the door, and locked it. I wasn't supposed to lock my door, but I didn't care. Let them try and punish me, there's not much worse they can do at this point.
I spent the rest of the evening in the guest room sifting through my text books. I had already read all the books my grandmother had many times, so I settled for this. A few times throughout the course of the evening my uncle or my grandmother or even Kat would knock on my door and ask me to come out. I was forced to reply with an "I'm fine" to keep them from breaking down the door in fear that I had tried to kill myself again.
I didn't know what time it was when I started to get really hungry. I put my books down and left the guest room to go downstairs. My grandmother was in the kitchen pulling a fresh batch of cookies out of the oven. I went over to grab one when my grandmother said
"Careful, they're hot." I sat at the table and waited for them to cool down.
"I heard what happened today with Mrs. Cooke during your lesson," said my grandmother as she turned the oven off.
"Yeah, what about it?" I replied.
"Why won't you let any of us help you Skylar? We just want you to feel better again. We know what you're going through is hard, so we want to help you through it."
"I appreciate the help I just feel like everyone's going a little over the top. Everyone is constantly checking up on me and watching my every move. I can't even leave the house for god's sake. I would think a little bit of social life would help me."
"You sound just like your mother, arguing in the kitchen with me, just like she used to. You look so much like her," she walked over to me and started to put her hand on my head. I pulled away.
"Don't..." I said coldly. I grabbed a cookie and ran back upstairs.
I shut the guest room door again and buried my face in the pillows. How was I supposed to let go of my mother and get better if everyone kept reminding me of how much I looked like her and acted like her? Every time I looked in the mirror, all I saw was her face. I knew that needed to change, I just didn't know how.
The next morning I woke up early with an idea. I softly got out of bed and got dressed. I grabbed a pen and piece of paper off the night table in the guest room and wrote a note to my grandmother, Uncle Joey, and Kat.
I need some time alone. Please don't come looking for me.
I'll be fine. I promise I'll be back by dinner.
Sky
I left the note on the kitchen counter and headed out the door. I didn't know much about where things were in my grandmother's home town, but I remembered Kat talking about how close the mall was to the house and how convenient it was for her shopping needs. I passed a man going for a jog and stopped him and asked him which way it was to the mall. He pointed me in the right direction, but told me it didn't open until 9:00. I had left the house at 7:30. I told him I'd just hang around until it opened. I thanked him and he continued with his jog.
It took me about 20 minutes to get to the mall, so by the time I got there it was almost 8:00. I had an hour to kill and I was starving. There was a coffee shop across the street
from the mall that looked like it was open, so I walked over there and grabbed an iced coffee and a bagel.
After killing an hour in the coffee shop, the mall finally opened and I went inside. It was a lot bigger than the one mall in Maine, with lot's more fancy stores and food courts. I had only been to the Maine Mall twice in my life, so this was something new to me.
I immediately started combing the directory for store names that sounded like they could give me a different look than the cheerleader/school girl one that made me look like my mother. I found one store that seemed dark and gothic, so I went to it. I started looking through the racks of clothes containing chains and holes and fishnet and every kind of black fabric you could imagine. It didn't really appeal to me, but if it made me look different from my mother, than I guess it was worth it.
There was a girl next to me shopping for jeans. Her hair was dyed purple underneath and she had heavy eye-liner on and lots of piercings. She was wearing tight black skinny jeans and a punk-rock shirt. She grabbed a pair of jeans and held them up to her legs.
"Do you think these would fit me," she said, turning to me and catching me by surprise.
"Uh, yeah, I guess," I said without making much eye contact.
"Ehh, whatever. I'll make them work somehow." She looked over her shoulder and to her left and right. Then, she stuffed the jeans into her bag and casually walked out of the store. I ran after her and grabbed her by the shoulder.
"Hey, how did you do that?" I asked her.
"Shh! Don't let the store clerk hear you! Come over here before you get me caught," she dragged me to a nearby bench that was out of earshot from the store we were just in.
"Next time try to be a little bit more careful, will ya?"
"I'm sorry," I said, "I just wanted to know how you got away with that."
"What, stealing?" she said under her breath, "just bring a big enough bag and stuff whatever you want inside it when no one is looking. It's not that hard."
"You think maybe you could teach me?" I asked.
"There's not really anything to teach. Besides I doubt a preppy l girl who's rich daddy could buy her anything she wanted would have the guts to steal even a keychain." The girl got up and started walking away.
"Wait!" I said. She turned around.
"I don't like my preppy school girl persona. I want to change to someone else. Someone totally new. Someone like you. Would you be willing to help?"
The girl took a deep breath and said "Go back inside that store and pick out whatever outfit you want. One you think would fit this new you you're trying to take on. Your bag looks big enough. I'll wait out here."
I hesitated for a moment, then walked back inside the store I had just come out of. I wanted to make this quick and as inconspicuous as possible. I ran to the back racks so no one would see me and grabbed the first pair of pants I saw, looked around, and then shoved the pants into my purse. Then, I saw this Guns n Roses t-shirt with rips on the sleeves. It seemed appropriate, so I grabbed that too. The shirt barely fit in my bag with the pants, so I awkwardly covered the top with my arm to keep it from showing. I held my breath and made a dash for the exit.
When I got outside, she was standing there staring out over the side of the railing. I jogged over to her, still covering my bag.
"I got this. I'm not really sure what it is, but I stole it so does it still count?" I said as I started to take out the clothes.
"Jeez, you're right in front of the store for God's sake, do you want to get caught? Follow me." She grabbed my arm and pulled me to the nearest bathroom.
"All right, now let me see this stuff." She reached into my bag and pulled out the pants and shirt, holding each in one hand. I took a second look at the shirt and realized it was way too small.
"That shirt's never going to fit me. My stomach will hang right out of it," I said.
"That won't be a problem. Now go change," she said as she shoved me into the stall and threw the clothes into my arms.
"I'm Margaret by the way, but I absolutely despise that name, so you can call me Madge," and she shut the stall door.
"Oh, I'm Skylar. You can call my Sky I guess. No one's ever really given me any other nickname before."
"Sky's fine. How do the clothes fit?"
I was still struggling to get the insanely tight skinny jeans up past my knees.
"A little tight," I said. Once I finished getting the jeans on I put on the shirt and slowly opened the stall. I thought I looked ridiculous, but Madge seemed to like it.
"Perfect," she said, "now let's fix the rest of you."
We spent the rest of the day in hair salons and tattoo shops piercing my body. Madge knew most of the people who worked at these places, so having a parent present for the piercings wasn't an issue. By the end of the day, I was a whole new person. My hair was dyed black with green stripes and my bellybutton and tongue were pierced. Madge tried to convince me to get a tattoo, but I thought that was pushing it. When I caught a glimpse of myself in the window as we walked out of the mall, I no longer saw my mother.
"I should probably get home," I said to Madge.
"Wanna meet up later on tonight? I know this killer bar and could easily come up with a fake ID for you."
I hesitated for a second, then said "No, I promised my Nana I would stay home tonight for her birthday." I wasn't a good liar, but I knew I didn't want to push this too far yet. I quickly changed the subject. "What's your number? I'll call you tomorrow and maybe we can do something."
Madge gave me her cell phone number and then I headed home.
When I reached my Nana's house, I stood at the end of the driveway for a minute. I wasn't looking forward to seeing everyone's reactions as I walked through the door. I braced myself, then headed up the driveway.
Uncle Joey was standing in the kitchen yelling at my grandmother with the phone in his hand. Their heads snapped towards me when I opened the door. My grandmother just stood there in shock, while Uncle Joey's face turned bright red with fury.
"Where on earth have you been all day?" Uncle Joey screamed. "We have been calling everyone in town to try and find you. We were just about to call the police!"
"I said I would be back by dinner, and I am, so what's the problem?" I shouted back at him.
"What's the problem? The problem is you didn't say where you were going or what you were doing, and you think it's totally fine to just come back here looking like that. What did you do to yourself? I barely recognize you!"
"Well I think it looks good."
"It looks trashy and cheap. What happened to the Skylar that looked clean and sweet and..."
"Like my mom?" I cut in. Uncle Joey went silent and started walking towards me.
"Honey, if that's what this is all about then..."
"No, Uncle Joey," I interrupted, breaking away from the hug he was trying to give me, "You just don't understand. No one does. She's gone, and it seems like I'm the only one left that reminds everyone of her. So it's just as good to get rid of me too, but since that plan didn't work, this is plan B." I stormed off to the guest room before either of them could make a comment.
I slammed the guest room door shut and screamed into the pillow. I reached for my cell phone and texted Madge my address, telling her to pick me up as soon as possible. While I was waiting I stuffed extra pillows under the covers and shut the light off to make it seem like I was sleeping.
When I saw the headlights pull up I snuck out the window and climbed into the backseat of the car. Madge was sitting in the front and there was one other guy sitting next to me. Madge introduced me to the driver, Ross, an intimidating yet attractive guy with a big build. He was wearing a leather jacket and black jeans. The one sitting next to me was the spitting image of Ross, just smaller and a bit more attractive. His name was Max. Madge handed me a surprisingly real looking fake ID.
"So Sky, what made you change your mind?" she asked me.
"Rough night I guess. I don't really want to talk about it."
"All right. You'd be surprised how a few drinks can make it all go away." Madge and her friends all nodded in agreement as Ross drove off.
Once we got there we took a seat at the bar and the bartender started taking orders. When he got to me, I just said "I'll have what Madge got." I had no idea what Madge ordered, but I didn't know the first thing about alcoholic drinks, so that seemed to be the easiest way about it.
By the third round of drinks Madge and Ross were all over each other making out. I had just taken one sip of my first drink, and Max kept encouraging me to keep drinking. I didn't care for the taste of whatever it was that I had ordered, but I tried to stomach a few more sips. Max kept trying to put his arm around me. He was the most drunk, so I kept trying to push him away from me. Eventually he just passed out on the counter and I was left alone. I began thinking about getting home since Ross clearly was in no state to drive. At that moment the door to the bar opened and Uncle Joey came in. His eyes immediately locked with mine and his face turned red just like it did earlier.
"Uncle Joey, what are you doing here?" I said under my breath as he approached me.
"I think the question is, what are you doing here? Come on, we are going home right now," he said as he grabbed my arm. Max popped his head up and put his hand on Uncle Joey's shoulder.
"Com'n misser," he said through his slurred speech, "let'r have one more drin'." Uncle Joey brushed Max's arm off of his shoulder and Max collapsed onto the counter.
"Now, Skylar," Uncle Joey said again. "Thanks, Bill, for the call. I appreciate it," he added, addressing the bartender.
"No problem. I could tell it was her. She looks just like your sister, except for the crazy hair and make-up."
Uncle Joey dragged me out of the bar and I got into the passenger seat of his car. He climbed into the driver's side in silence and started driving home. He didn't even look at me.
"I'm sorry," I said as I stared at the dark road in front of me. He didn't say anything back. "It was stupid I know, but I was just angry and..."
"I don't know what to do anymore Skylar. Everyone around you is just trying to help you out and all you do is fight back. We aren't your enemies, Skylar." He still didn't look at me. He talked in a straight tone, he didn't raise his voice or anything.
We sat in silence the rest of the ride home. When we got to the house neither of us got out of the car.
"So what's your plan C?" Uncle Joey said.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"You said that changing your appearance would make you seem less like your mother. You heard what the bartender said. Should I be worried about any other drastic measures you might take next?"
I didn't know what to say.
"I'm worried Skylar. I don't want to lose you and neither does your grandmother. I don't think we're doing a great job watching out for you, so I think maybe you should go back home."
"You're giving up on me too?" I said. I finally looked over at him with tears building up in my eyes.
"I'm not sure who I'm giving up on. It's clearly not the Skylar I knew."
Uncle Joey got out of the car and left me to myself. When I finally got up to go inside, he was on the phone with my dad, arranging my flight back home.