Have you ever sat in your room and watched the rain trickle down the windowsill, jealous of the rain because it got to touch more of you than I ever will.
Well, I know I'm not alone, the comforting sound of Labrinth being 'jealous of the way you're happy without me' helps me keep it together. Helps me realize that you're never really alone. DeAndre texted me last night, after what happened at McDonald's, but in all honesty? I'm embarrassed. I'm overall just broken. Why would he say that? Why would he say it like that? What does he mean 'why do I wanna complicate things' ??
All I want is clarity, is that too much to ask? Maybe it is. Maybe I have been asking too much if him. Maybe I should leave it alone.
I look stupid, in here crying over someone who couldn't care less. Does he care? Should I answer his text? I'll answer it after I get my cup of tea, tea always helps me clear my head, especially on days like this one.
I stand up, take a quick glance in the mirror and after deciding my reflection disgusts me, I leave my room. Fayola and Devante aren't in the kitchen when I get there, and usually at this time on Saturdays they're in the kitchen, so I'll just assume they're not home.
I check the cupboards for green tea, and after realizing we don't have any, I settle for chamomile. It's almost time to buy our monthly groceries, and I just realized that means me having to work extra shifts at McDonald's and the club. Great.
I silently poor three spoons of honey and hot water into my cup and stir, tea has always reminded me of the good old days, when mama used to give us tea before she put us to bed, when she used to put honey into our cups and serve us scorching hot tea, I never complained though, because mama meant well, but did she really? Maybe they're why I am the way I am, I think silently, bringing my small teacup to my lips, it's hot, hot enough to burn my tongue, but I'm used to it, so it doesn't. For a while I watch the rain trickly down the windowsill by the kitchen window, sitting on the squeaky white stool Faye brought in one day last year.
It's fun to reminisce about my childhood and all, but it always boils down to when mama left and my dad started drinking, that's when our problems really started. We were so happy together, as a family, Dev had just been born, Faye was doing great in high school, and I was about to go to high school, but then she left us. At first, Faye was stress free, she thought dad would take care of things and be considerate while Faye finished her last year of high school, but he didn't do that. Instead, he brought old men into our house, he smoked, he drank, he was always drunk and he left us to take care of his mess. It wasn't fair, not to me, not to Dev, and definitely not to Faye.
I never complain though, because I'm doing my best and I know Faye is doing her best too, we're keeping our heads above the water, and for now, that's all that matters.
Shoot. I'm supposed to go to therapy today, I'm not late or anything, I just hate it, either way, it's for my own good, so I guess I'm going.
I take a quick hot shower, throw on the warmest clothes I have, and head down to the therapist, who works not too far from me. Sometimes I let the crowded nature of the city get to my head, but today, I think it's working in my favor. It's helping me drown out my thoughts.
It doesn't take me too long to pull up to the bright yellow building, an unusual colour if you ask me, but who am I to judge?
After checking in with the receptionist and making sure I'm on time, I head right into my therapists office.
There she is, seated on her brown leather chair when I get there, it's a beautiful office, calming paintings of ships at sea, plants on her windowsill, the light grey beanbag she has in the corner, even the earth tone brown couch she has in her office fits really well into the theme. I feel comfortable as soon as I walk in, I didn't think I'd like it this much, but I'm glad Faye suggested it. Initially, I said no because I didn't think we'd be able to afford therapy, and the fact that it's just not something I see myself enjoying.
"Goodmorning sweetheart, you can sit right here" she points to the earth tone couch across from where she's sitting, I take a seat, scanning the room once again, not because I didn't already take it all in, but because I'm afraid. Afraid of talking about my feelings and letting it all out, because there's too many skeletons in my closet and I'm just not ready for spring cleaning yet I guess.
"Tell me about yourself" she says, calmly, the most calmly anyone has ever spoken to me. I feel a lump in my throat and the room feels like it's slowly moving, but finally, I say "well, there's not much to really tell, i live with my older sister and younger brother, my mom left years ago and my dad's an alcoholic who's barely ever home, I'm not sure what this has to do with me now though." she stares at me for a second, as if to take in how bluntly I talk about my parents.
"you don't like to sugarcoat things do you?" she asks, writing something down in her notebook, "well...what's there to sugarcoat? They left. They're not in my life and I don't need them. Good riddens" I feel a lump in my throat again, my words make me want to cry, they did leave. Every single time I think about it, they did leave us, why would they do that? "How does that make you feel?" she asks, fixing her coily thick hair, it's probably 4C, if I'm guessing right.
"unwanted" I say, taking the words in, "it makes me feel unwanted cause everything I do is to help Faye, and take care of Dev and prove my parents wrong, it's like everything I do is just to prove to them that I'm worthy of their love but half the time I don't even know where they are."
She looks at me like I'm someone she's known forever, "have you ever considered that maybe you should care for yourself first? It seems to me like you're trying to impress people who couldn't care less simply because you can't impress yourself. And that's cause you value other people's opinions too much. They forfeited the right to be called your parents when they left, let them go baby" she says, her words hit deep.
And that's how the next few weeks go for me, a few therapy sessions here and there, a few nights at the club to make some money, a few shifts at McDonald's, some long school days, and well, a lot more of me ignoring DeAndre because I'm scared or confronting our problems.