"Just relax." I said as I exhaled heavily.
"Thank you... Anna" I knew Jaya was fidgeting at this moment as she was speaking over the phone with me. She always did before she did something that mattered to her. Like the school exams.
She called every night before a test, so she could just hear me telling her everything was going to be okay.
Even if she knew everything was going to be okay, she still called to hear me say that.
"Anytime Jaya" I forced a smile.
That was how I always was; numb . But I had to force every emotion because I wanted to look normal as much as everyone is.
"Bye" Jaya said before cutting the call abruptly.
I picked up my book and flipped the pages as I continued to read. Reading was my escape, escaping from everything that didn't feel right about me. I flipped the old page once again, every words familiar. My biology book was a book I had read eight times for the past week.
Maybe I was unsure of how this test was going to be, unsure of myself ... just unsure. My nails pressed my palms just thinking of sitting for that test. Yet it was a normal test. Could it be I had picked up Jaya's habits?
Then I remembered that Jaya had an illness. Anxiety for almost a year.
She will manage...
Did you just try to deem your friend's struggle as small?
A voice back in my mind pressed. It did almost every time I thought about something.
The alarm sound of my clock tingled my ears causing my eyes to open. I realized I had slept while reading. I closed the book and kept it inside my bag. Just then I remembered. If I hurried down I might catch up with my mom before she leaves for work. It was 6:02 am.
I rushed down and as I neared the kitchen I could feel the warm coffee aroma calming my senses. Mom loved having coffee early in the morning. I stopped at my tracks when I saw the empty kitchen. All that was left was freshly brewed coffee in the kettle.
I missed my mother. A daily morning hug and a smile from her was not enough even though I wanted it. I missed a motherly figure.
But she is busy saving lives as a nurse, stop being selfish. Next time, you should wake up much earlier than today.
My mind taunted. I exhaled deeply again feeling tired once more having to debate again with myself. I dragged myself back to my room to get ready for school. After cleaning myself well and getting ready, I started walking to school. I didn't feel like having breakfast especially when I was alone.
As I reached, I quickly settled in, for biology class. I was early in class like usual, to avoid people's gazes and to avoid walking all the way to the back of the class knowing someone will look. Though I knew people hardly recognized me in class, just walking to my sit when people were there was enough to make me dizzy.
Fainting might bring some attention towards me. I didn't want attention.
Soon people started filling the class while the talking voices of my classmates started to build up. Everyone was discussing about the upcoming test I suppose.
I looked at my book making sure I didn't move my eyes away from it. My palm started feeling sweaty. Something that happened everyday, when I was around people. Everytime I was around people, I felt like I was in a rollercoaster ride, a scary rollercoaster ride. How I wish Jaya's sitting position was next to mine.
" Hey fags! Who's up for a joke? " Parkour's voice erupted from infront of the class.
"Save us from the panic we have because of the test, Parkouuuurrr!" A voice from a class mate responded as most of the people shouted yes to Parkour.
Parkour usually made everyone around him at ease with his dark humored jokes. I couldn't imagine anyone finding a cheerful person like Parkour annoying.
"How many people does it take to start a riot?"
Everyone shouted every number they could think of back at parkour.
"No one got it right" Parkour chuckled at the silence.
"It's a Minus one" he said slowly enough for everyone to grasp his joke.
Everyone roared in laughter except me. Instead it felt empty. But the laughter's was enough to make blood rush all over. The biology teacher arrived minutes after the joke and distributed the exams . When we started doing the exams, a part of me felt sleepy. I completely felt disinterested although I prepared this exam for the past one week.
After the test I made sure to wait for everyone to leave so I could. I grabbed my backpack immediately and started scrambling to the door. Before I reached the door I stopped when I heard some girls speaking. I exhaled deeply.
I slowly walked to the door and peeked to see who it was.
I saw some girls speaking to Jaya. She seemed like she could break into tears from what they said any moment from now. Her watery eyes narrowed to hold in the tears while her lips pressed to a thin line. She stood there as if everything was okay but it wasn't.
I wish I could walk there and stop them. I wish I could hug Jaya. All I did was nothing but wish because I was nothing more but a big damn coward. And as usual the guilt kicked in; I wasn't good enough.