"Why is the heart heavier when it is, but, in pieces?"
December 15, 1908
Tuesday
HollyDale
Merry stared vacantly at the freshly sliced apples and steaming venison stew that waited to be served, her thoughts wrapping her senses and stealing them away to the previous evening when she had disgraced herself, a great deal. She couldn't help recounting how he hadn't met her eyes after her trance. In fact, she hadn't had the courage to confront him, herself. It had been one of the most dreadful courses of events affordable.
Scars. They had always intrigued her, beautiful souvenirs from a difficult past that hold a story or testify of strength. Flawless skin may adorn the face, but scars grace the soul. As a child, she had often sat by Allen, asking him how he had gotten the scar gnashed against his arm, listening to the different stories he'd narrated each week. She could not believe how terribly Christian may have mistaken her expressions, and with justified cause.
Although she knew he would have decided to call the engagement off after such a slanderous recoil from the physical evidence of his trauma, she knew the charge to make amends fell upon her. But what could she possibly say? That she could see visions of the past out of people's private lives in their eyes? He would most definitely decide against marrying her.
She felt her heart drop. There was nothing further that could console her of this misery. She tried hard to prevent the rising feelings from choking her to tears.
"Is that my pretty butterfly craving to bake me another nut cake?" came Allen's voice from the kitchen's door, bringing back all the memories of the evening before and Merry couldn't help the sniffle that escaped her without permission.
"Whoa there, Buttercup, you don't have to make one if you don't want to", she heard him say, before she ran over to bury her face against him. She felt the warmth of her brother's arms rest over her shoulders and a gentle pat at the back of her head in reassurance.
After a long pause of silence that she spent spilling her feelings in the form of tears smearing his shirt, she finally calmed. "Christian is a good man. I assure you he will understand", he said, lending her a sort of comfort.
"He deserves a better wife", she mumbled, jitters still lacing her voice. "We're bestowing him with one farther than that", he replied, making her wonder what her brother possibly saw in her. She pushed her deterred fist against him, but he had barely noticed.
He had always been as a fort standing against the winds of a tempestuous night.
~
Allen withdrew his hands from around his little sister, to pocket them, as she recomposed her bearings. He continued to gaze down at her intently, as she looked up to thank her brother for being there, the way she always did, after a moment of weakness.
"Allen", she started sincerely, "Were you the one who finished the nut cake from yesterday?" and the calm on his face fled, leaving a wide-eyed expression of denial, while his mouth gave away a guilty smirk.
"Did Charity tell you?" he asked, with an unintended chuckle slipping away, feeling defeated. "It was quite obvious", she replied nonchalantly. Her talent was being such an inconvenience.
~
Merry tied the scarf securely around her neck and looked over at Jesse who was waiting impatiently at the door. She took specific effort to walk slower, as her little brother tapped his feet in frustration.
"Would you like me to accompany you for the day?" Allen asked from behind her, looking concerned. She could understand the need for such unease. Ladye's library, where she worked, was appurtenant to the Ladye Lockwood estate and the three guests from Frostshire lodged there till Christmas.
"It's alright, Allen, I will be fine", she said, knowing fully-well that she would not. His expression told her he was unconvinced and she gave him a genuine smile. "You should pay Aaron that visit", she added and Allen gave her a slow nod.
"I'll come pick you up", he offered. Something about that made her feel safe. "I will be waiting", she said, with a smile. Turning to the door, Merry saw Jesse staring at her, arms crossed against his chest.
"Make sure to drop her safely at Ladye's, Jesse", Allen reminded, getting his sister piqued. "I'm the one taking care of him!" she demanded, watching the two jokers laugh away at his grand attempt at humour.
Jesse took Merry's hand and walked out, bidding Allen goodbye. After a few moments of laughing and chatting with Jesse, the two had reached the library. Jesse waited until Merry was safely indoors, before he turned and headed away.
Although talking to her brothers that morning had eased her frights, her anxiety began building again when she realised that the Lockwoods weren't much too far away. She walked into a certain aisle where she saw the beautiful lady from yesterday, Jude Christian's sister, picking books out of a lofty shelf.
"Would you like some assistance?" she offered, startling the lady for a moment.
"Merry O'Bell?" she asked, a delightful ring in her voice.
"Indeed", she replied, extending a hand.
"I'm Natalia Davies, familiarly Nate", she glowed, giving her hand a gentle shake. A cordial aura from her very bosom seemed to have reached Merry.
"I love your dress", she admitted, her eyes surveying the intricately woven smocking that flavoured the silk.
"Ah, thank you! I only clad this on because Aunt Ladye is taking me out today. I could buy you one alike. It would be quite regal to dress akin", Nate continued, the flattery leaving her a-flutter.
Merry allowed a giggle escape her, before something similar to rising dread tugged at her heart. She could only enjoy such pleasure if Christian did, in fact, relent to allow her wedding. "It would be amazing", she stuttered, feeling like the kindness Nate showed her would soon fleet.
"I thought I would pick a book to read, in case I find time to spare..." Nate went on before turning to take pensive Merry's wrist in her hands. "Show me your favourite book", she smiled, giving the orphaned damsel a wistful longing for the spritely girl's lasting company.
~
An hour had passed since Natalia and Ladye had left the library in Merry's safe care. She sat down, rocking in anticipation, wondering where Christian was. She did not want him to leave her go. Charity would be broken and Allen would be ruined, despite her own heavy share of suffering.
She knew that Allen had offered to pick her up that evening, in order to put a word with his friend, and she hoped she didn't have to face the man until her situation was clarified. Rising to her feet, she made her way to a tall shelf that stood against a wall at the farthest corner of the hall. Her mind required to be relieved of its stress.
It bothered her that she had always left the disfigured book, which she so completely loved, at the greatest height to prevent its meeting other people's attention. She knew it was selfish, but this book had always meant more to her than she would share. She reached up as high as she could, standing at the very tip of her toes. The book waited unsympathetically, demanding yet another inch before she could attain it. She strove further, before a much larger hand reached it effortlessly and drew the book out of its refuge. Merry looked up to see the tall man standing behind her, close enough for his warm breath to fan her face, a scar embedded over the side of his profile.
The pace of her breathing began to escalate, till she could feel her whole body pulsing to the beat of her heart. His physique boasted a trim, yet muscular build, now more striking without the large trench coat from last evening to eclipse it. She stared at the book he was holding out for her to take, as he took a step back. She rested her weight against the shelf behind her as she reached a hand out to accept the book from the man she had offended, hoping he didn't notice the tremble.
She whispered a 'thank you', keeping her eyes down, the book held tight against her chest. "The pleasure is mine", he replied, before turning to walk away.
A moment's havoc caused her to call to him, and the man's attention was all hers. "I-I'm sorry if I upset you yesterday", she managed, quivers quaking her hushed voice. "It pains me to see you so conflicted", he said, a smile playing at the side of his lips.
A rush of unknown feelings thrust her heart when faced with a response wildly contrary to what she had expected. Merry couldn't understand why his kindness had seemed to invoke the tears flooding her eyes. She blinked several times, the burning feeling enveloping them, as she broke into a deluge of words: "I never meant to offend you, there were other things I was undergoing; I couldn't help the guilt I felt..."
She could hear the wobbles in her voice, before a tear dropped to touch her arm around the book. Alarmed that she was in no presentable position, she hoped he hadn't noticed.
"Easy now, there isn't need for tears, is there?" sounded Christian's deep and calming voice, as she saw his palm held out for her. She placed her hand into his, feeling the calluses left there by hard work. All of her tears began to follow suit. She did not know why her emotions had been so unstable lately, but his consideration did not work to help it.
She began wiping her tears into her forearm, feeling scattered. He handed her a kerchief, which she was obliged to accept in her state of disarray. She buried her face in its fabric, barely noticing the shape of his initials embroidered into a corner thereof. "If it's of any consolation, I don't suspect you hold ought against a mere scar. Allen has told me much about you, and you have been faithful to every beautiful trait", he assured her, giving her the needed strength.
He took a step closer, his hand still safely holding hers, and placed a finger below her chin, brushing his long thumb over her tear-streaked cheeks. She could feel a blazing sensation race across her face, earning a chuckle from his end.
He slowly tilted her chin up to face him and her mind began to blanche. Her visions now, however, were much milder and within her competence than the previous. She saw her own self looking distraught at supper last night. She quickly averted her eyes, knowing that he had still looked out for her, but she had been far too occupied in a delusion of mischances to have paid attention. She could feel his intent gaze studying her burning face. Her stiff grip on the book and his handkerchief had stayed unmoved, ever since he'd stepped close enough for her hitched breathing to reach his very ears.
Her eyes darted to gaze at his sturdy collarbone, before she asked, "What makes you think I am still worthy of your acquaintance?"
After a moment of shock, the tall man looked like he was stifling a bout of laughter. "If the incident from yesterday is still bothering my little flower, I may have to clarify that I have seen many genuinely repel from the sight of my scar. They only all draw a hand to touch their right cheek, while you were the only one to her left's", he stated, a single brow cocked.
Although the prospect of being called a flower had enthralled her, she forcefully called her mind to consider what he had said. It made sense that whilst facing a person, seeing a scar on his left cheek should have triggered her to touch the side corresponding with his scar, her right. She had, on the other hand, felt the blaze of when he had probably first received his scar, reaching her hand to the inflammation.
A smile began to dance over her lips, realising that he truly was intelligent and she could use that, a great deal. She hoped Christian would be content with its being unrequited. She could only dream to be as observant. "I see", she said, unable to say any more.
"I assume you were unfamiliar with 'Christian'?" he started, inquisitively. She wanted nothing more than to coil up on a bundle of embarrassment and to be defenestrated, remembering her absurd response last evening.
"They told me your name was Jude", she said, her voice lower than she had expected. "It is", he replied. "But only in professional circles. I generally prefer going by 'Christian'."
That explained why Allen had resisted in the first letter to when she had informed him of Charity and Ladye's decision to marry her to a 'Jude'. Why didn't Christian's intelligence lend at least a shaft of incandescence on her brother's judgement?
She nodded in response.
'I assure you will be in not so much as a fortnight's time.'
Her cheeks flushed. Why must posh eloquence be the end of her? Had he meant they were going to be married soon?
~
"May I take my leave, m'lady?" Christian asked tenderly, drawing Merry's attention. "Of course!" she said, looking up. He slowly retired his hand from beneath her small, soft palm and touched his chest, giving her a slight bow.
He turned to walk towards the door, her soft footsteps following behind. Taking the trench coat that awaited him at the coat rack and shrugging it on, he turned to find Merry watching his every move through awing eyes. It tickled him to see how shallow she could be with giving her thoughts away and letting the littlest things affect her greatly. He could tell she was pensive, lifting a brow, in question, as he gazed at her.
"Might I know where you are going?" his lady asked, as if choosing her words hesitantly.
"To the Evergreens'", he smiled, fastening a button of the coat against his torso. "Allen will be there as well. Would you like me to escort you over, my dear?" asked Christian, eyeing her as he pulled his collars forward, turning it upward.
He could see a blush spread across her face yet again, before she tucked a strand of deep-scarlet hair behind her ruddy ear. "Ladye has left me in-charge of the library", she replied, eyes down. With an amused chuckle, he gave her a nod. Opening the door, he felt the cold wind tousle his dark hair out of its smooth composure. When he saw her shiver at the touch of the chill, the man swiftly took a step down and turned to look down at her, still towering. Leaning close, he told her, "Would you step inside? It's cold here."
She nodded and hurried in as he closed the door behind him and headed forth.
~
Instead of reading as she usually did, Merry decided to whittle the wooden cubes she had received from Aaron a couple of weeks ago. She shaped it into a mug with curious figures surrounding it, which only she knew the significance of.
Christmas was coming and this was the finest gift she could afford to present her family. It was the happiest moment she had witnessed in their eyes, carved against the wood, surrounding a mug. She was presently trimming the wooden wedge into a mug, with the shapes of two infant girls seated at the bottom around the said cup, the walls of which resembled the brick-caked wall of a cell.
It was what she had once seen in Claire's eyes, and the mug she whittled was the present she was going to gift Claire.
~
Eventide had arrived sooner than Merry had expected. Ladye had arrived and the young damsel was free to leave as she pleased. She sat by the counter, still keenly working on her little sister's Christmas present.
She heard the door and looked up to see Allen walking in with a smile. "Merry?" he called as she rose to her feet, her face a reflection of his delight, and walked up to her brother. She turned to see Ladye smile and wave a goodbye.
Collecting her belongings and putting them into her bag, the crimson-haired maiden walked over and took her elder brother's arm. She glanced over to see Christian step in, unbuttoning his coat. He looked up and spared her a warm smile, causing her to look down, lest she intended to lose her bearings. She could not, however, control the smile that had conquered her lips, feeling the brilliance of Ladye's judgemental smile shooting through the back of her head.
~
The family that sat around the supper table held hands and said Grace before devouring the food served. They each had a great deal to say about their day, everyone warring for a chance to speak. There was much laughter and food shared in the light lent from the hearth.
"I suggest we bake me a cake tomorrow", Allen proposed, resting his folded arms against the wooden table. "I do quite deserve it."
"There will be no such favour. You should be the one buying a cake for the rest of us", Merry intervened, giving him a pointed glare from across.
"But mamma would side with me", he said, turning his attention to Charity, "Wouldn't you mamma?"
Charity pursed her lips in deep reflection. "I don't quite say I would, dearest."
"But what of the parasols I brought you, mother dear?" Allen whined, a slight pout appearing.
"I believe it was recompensed for when I granted you a greater share of nut cake", Charity revealed, calmly sipping her tea.
A greater share of nut cake?
The eldest son of the family began to guiltily withdraw from his poise at the head of the table, chuckling uncomfortably before an avalanche of angry siblings attacked him.