It was disgusting. I was disgusting. Deep down, I knew it was wrong in every way it could be but the heat that trailed down my spine didn't feel ๐ธ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐จ. It felt hot and tingly and ๐จ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ. I wanted to chase that heat, I wanted it to burn.
But I was the King. What was I doing? What's wrong with me? I guess I always wondered that and, really, it all centered around ๐ฉ๐ช๐ฎ. And now he was in front of me after six years and not only accepting me but reciprocating.
I'd like to say I had feelings for him. I'd like to believe that, in some way, this could work. But I wasn't naive or stupid. I don't feel that way about him. I was just chasing something I couldn't see. Whatever it was, he'd offered to give it to me. I was searching and even I didn't know what for but he was willing to provide whatever he could. He'd taught me everything I knew and not just in battle. Even Cedric had said I'd taken after him more than I did my own father.
Was that because I had been in love with him? Because maybe if I was like him, he'd notice me?
I guess that could go to the reasons why what was happening could never work. He was a role model to me. What would happen if I destroyed that? If he saw something in me he didn't like and if I tried to do something here, I knew he would.
But the cold door against my bare back and the splashes of lava trailed down my stomach made it hard to care. His lips were soft, stopping just above the hem of my pants and moving back up.
"Look, Tairen, what we're doing, it can'tโ"
"I know," I said. I was glad we were on the same page but it still stung a bit. I understood, though. This was completely physical and it couldn't be anything more. Plusโ"I know this is a turn off but my heart's kind of reserved anyway."
He smirked. "Good." His lips collided with mine, harsh and dominating. I'd never imagined I'd be the more submissive one but the more control I gave him, the better it felt. That feeling that I'd been chasing began to slowly disappear. His hands were soft on my hips, reminding me he wasn't the same person as before. He'd left and I'd been angry but nowโnow it didn't matter because his touch was intoxicatingโaddicting and I found that feeling of freedom once again that told me ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ข๐ด ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ.
I tugged at his shirt, pulling away to give him room to slip it off. My tongue ran across my lips as I pushed him back, towards the bed.
The hum of a muffled conversation woke me, the bright rays of the sun peeking in through the window also coaxed me to full wakefulness. I rolled over, the thin sheets falling to my waist. The warm sun on my chest almost made me want to just go back to sleep. Only then did I realize I was alone.
A sharp pang in my chest made my eyes widen because I wasn't supposed to expect him to stay. My eyebrows scrunched as I glanced around the room, shoving the sheets off and slipping on my clothes.
"Oh, you're up."
I cleared my throat to hide my surprise as I turned around, meeting Ezra's scarlet eyes. He softly closed the door behind him, leaning down to grab my shirt and then tossing it to me. I just hummed in response as I caught the shirt and slipped it on.
"Howโuhโhow are you feeling?" he asked, remaining at the door. He felt so far away. He was doing it againโdistancing himself. I guess I shouldn't have expected anymore, it was his nature. But I couldn't be mad because I understood. The only difference was that he didn't have important duties that kept him in place. I wondered if this is what he was talking about. Maybe being King was becoming too much for me, just like being Head Guard was too much for him.
"I'm fine," I said, scoffing. "I'm not glass."
"I know that," he said, crossing his arms as I began slipping on my boots. The only sound in the room was the gentle rubbing of leather on leather as I tied my laces. I kept thinking of Ezra but then I'd remember Ryker. If my relationship with Ezra grew in any way, it could become a problem, just like with Ryker. I'd be fine losing Ezra again. He'd left already, it'd be no different this time. But somehow, I wanted to keep holding on to Ryker. Knowing I couldn't, it hurt, but it also hurt knowing I had the audacity to want that after what I'd done. My heart couldn't be shared because it was reserved for a better cause. Emotions would only get in the way.
I'd left the castleโthe inner wallโjust so I could let go and I felt what freedom was, even if only for a moment. I'd felt what release was but it didn't matter because the weight on my chest was returning already.
I glanced at Ezra, running a hand through his hair, his eyes averted. ๐๐ฆ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ด๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ๐ด ๐ถ๐ฑ. Just like that man at the council meeting. I didn't have to care. I just had to know how to use my pawns.
"Why don't you come back to the castle?" I asked and the words were conflicting because only seconds before, I thought nothing could happen and I knew nothing could happen, but this was better. I'd get more out of it. I couldn't spare feelings, not now. I'd gone too far. The only thing I could do was keep moving forward and if that meant using my first love, then so be it.
I turned to him, raising my chin. He narrowed his eyes at me before relaxing, tilting his head back with a smirk. "Why? I don't belong there."
"You look the part," I said, throwing on my cloak. He rose an eyebrow. "You can live inside the castle as a guest or take up a position. Cedric can set you up with a good one. I'd recommend leading TKG."
His eyes widened, his mouth dropping open. I'd finally caught him off guard. ๐๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ซ๐ถ๐ด๐ต ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ต ๐ช๐ต ๐ด๐ช๐ฏ๐ฌ ๐ช๐ต. "You'd let me lead The King's Guard!? Butโwho's leading now?"
"Well, Cedric is the Duke and superior officer to most of the army factions so he's handling most of it. He was hoping Dallas could handle it himself but he refuses to take full control so I'm sure you'd make a good leader, especially for them," I said, crossing my arms. "But you don't have to take any position right now. You did leave because of the pressure. But I can assure you TKG is different than the guards. They're elite soldiers but they're also family. It'd be good for them."
"And if they don't like me? Isn't your sweetheart in TKG?" he asked. I tilted my head, ignoring the questions.
"So is that a yes?" I asked. His eyes widened for a second before narrowing.
"Is that what you want?" he asked.
I shrugged. "You do what you want but I think it'd be better than what you're doing now." I walked toward him, reaching around him to grab the doorknob. We were so close I could feel his breath on my lips and suppressed the wave of heat that threatened to overwhelm my body. I rose an eyebrow and he sighed, stepping out of the way.
"Are you saying I'm not doing well for myself?" he asked, following me out of the room.
"I'm saying you could do better," I said, stuffing my hands in my pockets. I knew he was contemplating. Last night he'd read me so easily. Last night, he'd seen through me with ease. So why was he just like everyone else now? I inwardly sighed. It's better this way. This feels more natural.
"Why would you give me another chance? I left, aren't you still mad at me?" he asked. I turned to him, rolling my eyes.
"If I were still mad at you, why would I spend the night with you?" I asked. His eyes fell as I turned around. "And I wouldn't ask you if I didn't want you to come."
And that was it. I felt it change in the air, like a switch. I felt so powerful like he'd just given me the reigns and it was such a wonderful feeling that I realized I missed. Last night was about being free and that included everything I usually am. I let go of my power and it felt good but this feelingโthis feeling of complete power over someoneโit was so much better.
"I'll be back. Don't leave," Ezra said, spinning around and backtracking back up the stairs. I yawned, continuing to the door and letting the sun bask me. Although the sun was warm, the air was cold enough to raise goosebumps. The seasons came sooner here than they did in the real world. Well, that's what Cedric said, I'd never spent much time in the real world to see for myself. So for me, the oncoming fall was normal.
I wondered how Ezra remembered the real world. He must have been pretty young when he came here. I wondered if he missed it. I wanted to know if Ryker missed it, too. He must have had ๐ด๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ he missed, right? He'd said there was nothing there for him but was that really true? I wanted to know all about him but knew I couldn't get too deep. He pushed me away anyway and I was lucky because I didn't have to push away first. I knew what I had to do. ๐ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ๐ฏ'๐ต ๐จ๐ฆ๐ต ๐ค๐ข๐ถ๐จ๐ฉ๐ต ๐ถ๐ฑ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ช๐ต.
I sighed, the air tickling my throat and dragging a muffled cough that I felt deep in my chest. The door pushed open behind me and I glanced at the person walking out. Ezra had his white cloak on once again, his hair was slicked back, something he'd picked up when he'd spent so much time with Cedric. His unique eyes were glimmering with a look that I knew well. I'd seen it so many times in the mirror. He looked excited in a dangerous way. He wanted something and I wanted to know what. However, I kept my features schooled so as not to tip him off. A bird in a cage didn't like to be scrutinized and he was a bird in a cage, indeed.
"I'll go if you introduce me to your ๐ฅ๐ข๐ณ๐ญ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ," he said, wiggling his eyebrows. I narrowed my eyes, my throat becoming uncomfortably tight.
I turned away beginning to walk away, keeping my mouth shut. He followed behind me, his eyes tracing my steps and movements. He was looking for weaknesses. I'd felt it so many times yet with him it felt ten times worse. I wanted to throw up my walls higher and stronger than before and I wondered if that had to do with our history. I'd blocked him out before, I could do it again, and I'd only gotten better since then.
I took a deep breath, steadying the trembling of my hands. "I'm guessing you two are on a break?" he questioned.
My lip twitched in annoyance. "We're not taking a break because we have nothing in between us to take a break ๐ง๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฎ." His words were taunting me. ๐๐ฆ'๐ด ๐ต๐ฐ๐บ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐ฎ๐ฆ.
"Right, right," he said, nodding.
I allowed my lip to curl into a snarl, keeping my head directed away from him. "You don't know what you're talking about. I'm curious about him and his past, that's it. There's nothing between us and there never will be. A King shouldn't have anchors."
"It wouldn't kill you to take a break from your duties once in a while," he said.
"What do you think I'm doing here in the first place?" I turned to him, relaxing into a smirk. His eyes traced my face and I was glad to see they found no cracks, judging by the hesitant relaxation in them.
"But this doesn't count, you were having a breakdown." He shrugged.
I ran my tongue along the inside of my cheek, looking down at the crack pavement. "It won't happen again."
"That's not what Iโ"
"Do you have a way to get us out of here?" I asked, turning to him with a raised eyebrow. He rolled his eyes with a sigh before jerking his head to the left, indicating I follow him.
"I've got horses," he said, his tone hushed, almost cautious.
He'd definitely changed. Last night had been a drunk blur drowned out by mostly desire so I hadn't jotted down every minuscule change in Ezra. However, now that we'd talked, now that I'd studied him, I realized he'd changed quite a bit.
He used to be an overconfident jerk who insulted people in a fight more than he used his sword. But he did end up the Head Guard that way so it mustn't have been a very bad tactic. I'd watched him for years, thinking if I could just defeat him, I'd reach the peak of my growth and told myself that once I did, I'd forget about my feelings for him and forget about the peak. I'd think of him as I should and I'd go beyond my peak. But I was wrong.
I'd used his tactic against him in a way that wasn't humane. I'd toyed with his mind by turning it against itself. I'd watched him and his abilities and honed them for my own use. All to prove to myself I wasn't an abomination. All to prove to him that I was more than what he needed me to be. I'd done it to get two things at once and neither was what I needed.
He'd been cocky when I challenged him because I was only a student but when the fight started, when I dodged his first hit and whispered the first words, he realized how serious I was. I'd humiliated him and it humbled him. In a way, I felt better. I was relieved that he'd left and I was free to move on but deep down, my heart ached. I never wanted to feel that again. The bliss or the pain. Yet, I'd recognized Ryker in a way I didn't understand, but curiosity wasn't the same as love.
So Ezra hadn't changed in the way that he couldn't grasp that difference and yet, he was calmer than ever. I wasn't in love with Ryker, I barely knew him. I wasn't in love with him because I couldn't be. I was the king. He was just useful. Like everyone else around me.
They wouldn't be there if they weren't.
"Well, pick a horse and we'll head out," Ezra said, pushing the doors open to a small barn. I scrunched my nose at the smell and followed him inside, ignoring his gaze.
I wanted to stick with my conviction but every time I thought about ๐ฉ๐ช๐ฎ, I couldn't imagine continuing. Which is why it was dangerous. Which is why nothing could come of it, no matter how deep that pit of guilt was.
I wasn't doing anything for myself.
I did nothing wrong yet I had to repent.
I wasn't doing it for myself but why did that mean I couldn't do ๐ข๐ฏ๐บ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ for myself?
The small slice of the moon hung above us, barely peeking out of the giant spires from the castle. It cast a dark shadow over us, high enough to block out the moon completely once we got close enough. I'd let my hood fall as soon as we left the lower class housing. The air felt so thick once I reached the inner wall and I became me again. I hadn't changed, I guess. This me hadn't even left.
Two dark figures stood at the castle's entrance. One was taller than the other by far but I recognized both. I could feel the nerves radiating off of Ezra but kept silent. If he was nervous, he'd behave.
I could make out Cedric's features as I stopped in front of him, remaining on the horse. Finn stood behind him, his head lowered in shame.
"Where were you!?" Cedric asked, running his hand through his loose hair. It looked like he'd just woken up, with how messy his hair was.
"Well, I wasn't here, Duke," I said, swinging myself off the horse.
Cedric glared. "After pulling that stunt at the council meeting, you not only disappear without a word but you can't even give me something to work with?" He reprimanded, throwing his arms in the air. "I'm trying to work with you, Tairen, but you need to put some effort in. You have duties and responsibilities. You can'tโ"
"Stop." He broke off, his respect and position overriding his desires. Whether he wanted to yell at me or not, he was only the Duke and I was the King, personal feelings aside. "I'm going to go write a letter. Finn, please deal with the horses and assign a room for Ezra here."
Cedric's eyes widened, turning to the awkward Ezra behind me.
"EโEzra?" Cedric questioned. Ezra nodded, taking off his hood and looking up at Cedric with a light smile.
"Hey, Cedric," he said. Cedric turned to me, questioning with his eyes. I shrugged. "We ran into each other while I was out so I asked if he wanted to come back. I also offered him the position of TKG Officer if that's alright with you?" I cocked an eyebrow.
He nodded, almost immediately turning back to Ezra. "Of course, it'd be a lot of help. How about I show you the ropes while Finn sets you up?"
"Yeah..."
Their voices trailed off as I slipped away, sneaking in through the doors and heading directly towards my room. The hallways were quiet, as usual. The only sound being the gentle hum of voices probably across the castle. It felt so lonely, my stomach churning uncomfortably.
When I reached the door to my room, I thought about when Hailey had come over. I knew it probably scared her, she'd caught me at a bad time, but I couldn't feel bad for it. She should have known. But maybe that's the reason she left with Dallas and Ryker.
My chest clenched, my fist tightening around the handle. I wondered if it would be so quiet if Ryker were here. The first week he'd been here, the castle had been buzzing as it always did when a new TKG member arrived but somehow, this time, it was different. I understood because Ryker was different. He'd been different from the get-go, drawing attention despite his efforts not to. I craved the knowledge of everything he was and I didn't know why. It was an uncomfortable feeling that annoyed me more than ever.
My teeth ground together as I stepped inside, going straight to my desk and pulling out a thin piece of paper and a pen. My hands shook, the tips of my fingers turning white as they squeezed the pen. It stung, just a little but enough to make me want to stop. But I couldn't. My grip only grew tighter and tighter until finally, they slipped off the pen and I dropped it almost as if I was panicking.
There was a harsh pounding in my head that just ๐ต๐ฉ๐ถ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ฅ and ๐ต๐ฉ๐ถ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ฅ andโ
I dug my hands in my hair. ๐ ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ธ๐ณ๐ช๐ต๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ. ๐๐ฉ๐บ ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ด๐ช๐ต๐ข๐ต๐ช๐ฏ๐จ? This was the right thing to do and I knew it. That man that I'd met could help. He ๐ฉ๐ข๐ฅ to help me.
But if I wrote this letter, how much time would I have left? Would it be enough to ask him a few more questions? Would it be enough to listen to another story? Maybe apologiโ
My teeth cut through my lip, the bitter taste of blood forcibly pulling me out of my inner turmoil. I took a deep breath, picking up the pen once more and willing it to scratch out the first words I truly regretted.