I didn't know what to do. Looking down at our hands, faint bloodstains spotting mine, I wasn't sure I even wanted to do anything. My breathing remained slow and calm but my mind was racing. My muscles were relaxed, more than they'd been this entire trip.
Tairen's eyelids fluttered, his body shifting but he didn't wake, his hand simply tightened on mine. His eyebrows furrowed as I studied his face and down his neck, I could barely make out a light purple bruise.
How'd that—
He groaned, removing his hand from mine as he blinked his eyes open, rubbing them gently before looking around the room until his eyes met mine. They were still drowsy and glossy as they watched me before widened the tiniest bit.
He pulled his knees up, laying his arms over them lazily and intertwining his fingers, his chin falling to his chest as he let out a breath. "Hey," he said, his voice husky.
"Hi," I said softly before clearing my throat. "Why are you here?"
The look he gave me was so short-lived, I wasn't entirely sure it even existed. He looked guilty for but a moment before he turned away, schooling his features back into a blank expression. An unreadable one. I grit my teeth together. The last time we'd seen each other hadn't necessarily been on the best of terms. I guess that was my fault. I just wished he'd give me something to work with. I never knew what he was thinking.
"We'd been on your tail for a while, looking for Hailey. Just luck you guys came back into town when we arrived," he said.
My eyes widened and I jerked forward. "Oh, Hailey! Is she alright? Where is she?"
"She's fine. On her way back to Vrateldo," he said. "Cedric and I stayed back."
"Where's Dallas and Keo?" I asked.
"Downstairs." He kept his head down as I stood up but I couldn't bring myself to leave. Instead, I sat on the bed. I'd left it open just in case Hailey would end up needing it. But I guess it didn't matter, really.
"I'm sorry," I said, my voice quiet. I could feel Tairen's eyes on me as I twiddled with my hands in my lap.
"I am too," he answered, his voice just as quiet. We sat there for a moment in silence.
"I really shouldn't have said the things I said. I'm not sure why I did, it wasn't fair to you. It really—I just—I don't know, really," I said, clenching my jaw as I finished. You trip up at a time like this? Yeah, good job, Ryker. Real smooth.
"It's fine," he said. I cleared my throat.
"I was kinda just bottling things up. It was just piling up and I didn't mean to. I—you're the king and I shouldn't have—"
His hands gently held mine as he kneeled in front of me, looking up. I hadn't even realized he'd gotten up. "Let's go home." He squeezed my hands. "It's fine, don't blame yourself. Just let's go home."
"Well—but the mission—"
"I don't care about the mission. I don't care about an uprising. I don't care about any of that, Ryker. I care about you," he insisted. My eyes widened, my heartbeat picking up and pounding in my ears. This had to be a dream. "I don't want you dying out here, okay? You don't have to worry about the mission. It doesn't matter—not anymore."
"You care about me?" I asked, my voice breathless. He looked up at me, his eyes filled with concern. I could see it. I could see the concern. My chest tightened.
"Yeah," he said, smirking. "So let's go home."
He stood up, pulling me with him. I can't. I can't go with him. I have to finish the mission. I have to pull my own weight. I have to prove myself before it's too late.
I pulled him to a stop as he went to leave the room, turning back around, his eyebrows scrunching in confusion. My whole body felt cold. Why did it feel so odd, looking into his eyes when I could see the emotion in them? Why did I feel like I was being lied to by gazing into them?
"I can't go," I said, slipping my hand out of his.
"What do you mean?" he asked. I looked away, the raw emotion in his eyes was painful to look at. There was something so wrong about them. "Ryker, why can't you?"
"It's my fault Hailey got hurt, Tairen. It's my fault and I can't go back now. I have to fix it, somehow. And now—" I broke off, taking a deep breath. Now I have to be worthy of you.
"What? It's not your fault. You know she doesn't think that. Nobody thinks that!" he said, his voice raising.
"Yeah well, I fucking think that!" I snapped, glaring up at him before turning away. "I know that. I have to fix that."
"You don't have to do anything, nobody is going to blame you."
"Nobody but myself, Tairen, and I don't want that. I want—I want to be worth it and I'm not, as I am now," I said.
"Yes, you are!" he said, his voice rising. "You want to fix it but for what reason, Ryker!? Nobody blames you! Nobody needs you to fix it! So stop being so selfish because nobody cares!"
He went silent, his eyes widening. He shook his head.
"That wasn't—that came out wrong," he said, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"No, you're right, I'm being selfish," I said, turning back around and taking a step towards him. As my eyes met his, I thought back to when I'd been in the foster homes. How I'd fought my way through them, never settling. I looked away, almost reflexively.
Such an arrogant little boy. Someone needs to learn some manners. You're not the only person here, Rye.
"But you're not? I mean, c'mon, your very existence is a taunt. People look up to you because they have to. If it wasn't for your fucking father, you wouldn't be where you are now. You're no better than me," I said, glaring.
His eyes shut me out once again and somehow that was better. It didn't seem like he was fabricating his emotions and laying them on display—almost too obviously. When they were blank, at least they seemed real.
He shook his head. "You don't know what you're talking about. You're lucky you were even brought here."
"Yeah," I said, my hands tingling. "Yeah, that's why I have to do this! And you can't stop me!"
"I could," he said.
"But what would be the point?" I threw my arms in the air. "I mean, if I die, I'd just be punching my ticket a little sooner! So why the fuck does it matter!?"
"Because—"
His words fell as the door slammed open and Dallas rushed in. "What's going on?" he demanded, his hand on his sword. When he looked between us, his mouth formed a silent 'o' before he said, "I didn't realize."
"No, it's fine," I said, going to stand beside Dallas. "I'm staying on the mission."
His eyes widened. "Really? You're not gonna go back to Vrateldo? It's fine if you do."
"No, I'm staying," I said as Tairen strode out of the room without a word.
"Well then I definitely am," he said, patting me on the back. My eyes lingered on the doorway. I'd fucked up again but I didn't know how to fix it. I was confused so I pushed away. I didn't know what else to do. There was nothing else to do.
"Did you want to go back?" I asked and Dallas almost immediately shook his head.
"No, I wanted to continue but I told Duke I'd go back if you wanted to," he said, smiling.
I nodded my head as we left the room. My head hurt. I wondered if it was the stress. It felt like I was going in one big loop with Tairen. He was let down his walls and I was too afraid to let them stay down, so I'd build them back up for him.
I was never like this before. I never felt like I had no control before I entered Chison—before I met Tairen. At least before, I knew what was happening, and I didn't have a choice but to react a certain way. But this was different. I had a choice. I just didn't know what to choose.
Tairen was a variable I never would have guessed I'd have to factor in. He was unpredictable and I couldn't read him. The one time it seemed I could, it only made me feel more uneasy. Yet, I was drawn in by him, drawn to him like a magnet and no matter how much I fought, I remained in this circle. Only, each time I got back to him, he'd make me feel something else, being the unpredictable person he was, push me away, and then lead me right back to him.
But nothing would happen between us. Nothing could, not only because he was the king but also because it wouldn't matter if I wasn't living through the year.
The only thing I could do was prove I was worthy of his feelings or concern, or whatever it was he had towards me. I had to prove I was worth something, that I wasn't just some broken toy looking for a place to belong.
I glanced back at Dallas, his eyes tired and quiet. He made me feel like I was worth something. So I'd stay with him until I knew I was worth something.
"Hey, Ry, do you think, before we leave, we could maybe talk?" Dallas asked, his eyes down. He sounded serious but not in the way he usually was—determined, taking the lead—instead, he was actually asking for permission, waiting for me to let him continue.
I looked away, my eyes on the last stair. We'd been through a bit out here. Maybe not much to most people but it was a lot for me. I'd learned new things. Among them, I'd learned a new side of Dallas—a side completely opposite of the one I knew and a side I was finding hard to accept.
We had to clarify things. We had to fix things. I needed to understand. For the team. For him. And for me.
"Of course. We'll talk as soon as we send Cedric and Tairen off."
It was silent as we entered the room, the only people inside being Keo and Cedric. I found myself unconsciously searching. I wasn't sure who it was for, though.
"Ryker, how are you?" Cedric asked, his voice cheerful as he smiled brightly. "I hear you saved Hailey last night. Thank you."
He placed a gentle hand on my shoulder as I neared. I knew I looked surprised but I nodded, smiling softly.
"She was handling herself pretty well, anyway," I assured.
"Well, thank you anyway. If not for you, I don't know what could have happened." I turned away, my smile falling. My chest tightened and I forced myself to take a deep breath. I knew I wasn't, but I felt like I was lying to him.
Dallas took a seat on the table Hailey had been on last night, his legs dangling off the edge. Keo remained where he was when I'd come down, sitting on a chair, one foot pulled up, and facing away from us.
"Ry decided he wanted to continue the mission," Dallas announced.
Cedric's smile only got wider. "That's wonderful news. I was afraid you'd be put off after what happened. It's good to know you can handle this. I think it'll be good for you."
"If you're going, I'm going too. I don't have anything better to do," Keo added, raising his hand but without looking back at us.
Cedric nodded. "That's good." He took a deep breath, his eyes falling to the ground. "Ryker, when you get back, I'd like you to meet someone. I'm hoping maybe we can find some way to slow, or hopefully stop, the effects the pure magic is having on you."
I swallowed thickly. I was almost certain Cedric would be angry with me. Hailey had been seriously injured in our care—in my care. Maybe it was because he'd heard I'd saved her but I didn't. If I'd saved her, she wouldn't have been hurt at all. I needed to do better so that I could deserve Cedric's gratitude.
My eyes found Dallas'. I needed to be more like him.
"Thanks, and I will but don't waste too much time on it," I said. Keo perked up, tilting his head just enough to meet my gaze for a moment. I knew we were thinking the same thing. Why not tell him about the gun? It was magic, wasn't it? You're magic.
But I couldn't tell Cedric. Not yet. It was against the rules, right? And I didn't want to give him false hope, anyway. From what I understood, I was a lost cause.
"You'd better get going, catch up to the Queen," Dallas said with a light smile but it didn't reach his eyes.
Cedric nodded, his mouth pulled down into a frown. "Yeah, you're right. Be safe, okay, boys," he added before walking to the door. He stopped just before opening it. "Ryker, saving you isn't a waste of time so don't ever think it is. I'm not doing this just for you. I'm doing this for all of us." He turned to me with a forced smile. "You're a part of the family now."
Tairen hadn't said a word when they left, sitting silently in the carriage, his arms crossed and gaze directed out the opposite window. I guess I shouldn't have expected more but it only reminded me of what our conversation.
He wanted me to come back with him but it didn't seem real and I knew that right now, I wasn't worth it.
I missed the kingdom though. I missed the rest of the knights. It felt so quiet without Kace and Dexter's mischievousness—boring, without having to guess what they were gonna do next. Jax and Zeke's cool personas were easily one of the most calming things in the world. Somehow, despite Zeke being quiet most of the time, everyone knew he cared. And Jax, although sometimes spurring on Kace and Dexter's antics, always knew what to do, what to say, to keep things civilized. I even missed Blake. I missed his cold way of caring and I missed Adrian contradicting him, leveling him out so that I could see that Blake wasn't as bad as he seemed.
And everyone together. I missed everyone together.
I wanted it back but I couldn't help but wonder if I'd ever get it back. I had to, though. I promised them. I promised Dallas I wouldn't leave him. I promised Blake I wouldn't die.
I made a promise so first, I had to make it back to the kingdom—back home.
"Hey, you got a minute?"
I looked up from my spot on the steps just outside of the door. Shadow was cast over Dallas, the sun barely peeking over the horizon, outlining him in a gentle warm glow. He'd taken off his cloak, his crimson armor standing out. If the people of this town didn't know we were TKG members before, they did now.
"Yeah," I exhaled. He sat beside me, folding his arms on his knees and looking towards the horizon. Neither of us said a word, just sat, observing the sun disappearing.
I didn't know what I wanted to say. I didn't know where to start.
The Dallas I knew was kind and playful. He was dense at times but was always a comfort to be around. He was my first friend.
The Dallas I'd come to know while on this mission wasn't the Dallas I knew. He was cold, strategic, and brutal. He killed with little to no hesitation. He was a soldier.
But he was still Dallas.
"I wanted to be like you," I started, without looking at him. "When I first saw you, I wanted to be like you. You seemed so strong and everyone liked you. You made everything look easy. It wasn't long before I realized it wasn't easy for you. In my eyes, you didn't even seem human, I guess, but you are and I see that more and more."
"I just—I don't understand. Why can't I keep anyone?"
"I keep telling myself that you've changed, that being out here is changing you, but that's not it. You haven't changed, you've always been like this." I could feel Dallas tense beside me but I couldn't look at him yet. "I want to be mad at you. I want to yell at you, to tell you that you're horrible, to tell you that what you did was wrong, but I can't, because it wasn't—not to you. You were protecting us in the most efficient way possible." I finally turned to him and he looked as if he was in pain, his eyebrows scrunched and his eyes glossy. "You're a soldier, Dallas." I placed my hand on his head, pulling him so our foreheads touched, my eyes closing. "But you're also my best friend. You don't have to change, just don't get lost, okay? You have to know when its too much. Promise me you'll be able to tell when its too much."
He nodded, placing a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice cracking. "I wish—I wish I could tell you, Rye. I wish I could tell you why I'm like this but I—"
I hushed him. "Its okay," I said. "You don't have to tell me anything. For now, just stay with me, okay? Don't lose yourself because I can't lose you." His grip on my shoulder tightened. "You're enough, so don't leave me yet."