Chapter 12 - Chapter Eleven

I'd gone a week without hearing from Cedric. It was like he'd disappeared off the face of the Earth and from what I'd heard, Dallas and the rest of the knights hadn't heard from him either. Not that I'd asked the rest of the knights—I hadn't seen very much of them either. I'd only seen Blake and Adrian once in the past week and only briefly in the hallway. They even skipped dinner.

Whenever I had free time, which was when I wasn't hanging out with Dallas or training, I was either in the secret garden that Tairen had shown me or in the stables. I don't know what I was doing in the garden but it comforted me and not once did Tairen show. In fact, he was MIA, too.

The first night I had dinner with everyone else, Dallas had made a spectacle of himself in front of the maids and Hailey. It was a surprise to see the Queen there, eating with the maids, but it shouldn't have been, since there were so many rumors about it. I just didn't like to believe rumors before I proved them myself. Turns out, they were true.

There were a few times where I'd seen Hailey in the stables and we'd talked—well, she did most of the talking—but when I asked about Tairen or Cedric, she hastily shut it down. It was odd that she never gave me a straight answer, though. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the time spent with Hailey. She was a character, that's for sure.

Most nights, Dallas would come to my room and either leave late in the night or end up passed out at the foot of my bed. I found his presence comforting. It'd been a while since I could freely and easily talk to someone. It'd been a while since I'd had a friend.

He kept telling me Tairen was probably just attending to his "𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘭𝘺" duties and that I needn't worry about anything. It wasn't that I was necessarily worrying. It's just—I hadn't seen him for a while now. But I guess Dallas had mentioned that Tairen didn't really associate with anyone besides the people he needed to. I should have realized I was no different than everyone else. I wasn't special. I kept hearing that annoying voice in my head say those things but then I'd go to train and put on my boots that 𝘛𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘯 had gotten for me, and I'd go to the garden that 𝘛𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘯 had shown to me, and the voice faded.

But it never faded with Cedric. I wondered about Cedric but I assumed he had better things to do. Why did I think he had more things to do than the King, though? Maybe it was just that didn't want to see him as much? No—I don't want to see Tairen, I just—I'd like to. He made me feel like I used to and that scared me, but I missed it. He made me feel like I could breathe but also like my throat was clogged. But the loss of my breath wasn't uncomfortable like it should have been, it was exhilarating.

I sighed, tucking my arm behind my head, the soft fabric of the hammock brushing my skin. It was probably the third time I'd come to the garden today.

Every time I thought about Cedric and about what our last conversation was about, I could feel my veins heat with adrenaline. It was annoying because once that happened, it took a while for me to finally calm down.

I'd asked Dallas and Hailey about the magic-injecting process. Dallas had said that he didn't remember much of it, which wasn't surprising, but that he could say it did hurt, or that it did for him. He'd also said that he didn't think Adrian or Zeke was in any pain, so it could have just been depending on the person. He didn't tell me what his ability was, though, and I hadn't seen anyone else use or even mention their abilities. It all felt like a great big secret. This whole place felt full of secrets.

Hailey said she'd rejected the magic-injecting process but she heard that it wasn't all that bad. After that, she got distracted by going on a rant about how unfair the system for giving magic-injections was. So, I didn't learn much from her.

The only thing I could do was wait and hope Cedric would show up. I kinda just wanted to get it all over with.

I rolled on my side, taking a deep breath of the sweet air. The garden's smell was such a comforting combination of water, plants, and dirt. I didn't like the outdoors but that place made me want to just lie back and sleep.

However, I'd tried sleeping several times now but my mind would get the best of me. Maybe it was best if I didn't have this much free time.

I sat up, wincing at the ache in my muscles. Each day, Dallas would train with me, specifically sparring. Once in a while, Zeke or Jax would join in to give me some pointers, but I found I learned it better from Dallas. I wasn't helpless. In fact, I could defend myself pretty well, and if I wanted to, I could be the oppressor, too. But not only did I hesitate because I didn't want to hurt them, but because I knew they had more experience and skill than I did and I couldn't shake that insecurity.

I rolled my shoulders one at a time and groaned, standing up and walking towards the exit. I'd learned that not all the plants in this place were safe, mostly from herbal books in the library, so I narrowly avoided a few of them.

Each time I climbed down the ladder, I kept thinking about the first time I'd been here. I still didn't understand Tairen's reasoning. He was a difficult person to read and whenever I was around him, I felt helpless in an odd way. His presence, the way he spoke, the way he looked at me, his body language—it all made me lose the will to fight but I didn't understand what my body was telling me to fight in the first place.

As I pushed the shelf back into place, his voice slithered into my mind, uninvited. "𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥?" "𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘰𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘸?" "𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴."

I understood his curiosity. After all, curiosity was a big factor in my decision to come here. However, I didn't understand his interest in my past—my 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘴. I lifted my arm up to the light, my eyes following the faded line there. It was like a bracelet. I wish they would just fade away.

"What the shit are you doing?"

I jumped, my arm dropping, my other hand subconsciously wrapping around my wrist, hiding the mark. I couldn't help but gulp as I looked up to meet Blake's eyes. Jeez, he was pretty tall. I'd never actually studied him up close.

He was like a giant. Probably at least as tall as Cedric.

"Uh, just—well, I'm—" I don't know if I just lost the ability to speak or if my brain cells fucking punched out for the day because suddenly my mind was completely blank. I could have said anything. Wandering, chilling, fucking 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨—this 𝘸𝘢𝘴 a library, after all.

Blake rolled his eyes with a scoff, sticking his hands in his pockets as he brushed past me, turning down an aisle. He slouched like he wanted to be smaller. I guess, being his height, your neck would probably get sore from looking down so much.

I turned around, intending on getting out of the library before any more interaction was necessary but before I reached the door, I stopped. He might know something about Tairen or Cedric.

Sometimes I was really annoyed with my mind.

I walked back to Blake, mustering up the most patience I had—I knew I'd need it because he sure as hell wasn't providing any. I looked up at him, suppressing the urge to scrunch my nose. "You know, you'd have a much prettier face if you weren't constantly snarling." As soon as the words were out, I sighed at my stupidity. Why couldn't I just decide when I was thinking and when I was talking? Seemed a bit unfair to me.

Blake turned to me with a glare, setting down a book he'd pulled off the shelf. I took a step back as he took one forward.

"I didn't mean it like that. Actually—I—well, I think you have a great face either way," I rambled, taking steps backward as he grew closer. I shook my head, closing my eyes and putting my hands up as some sort of defense. "I—that's not what I meant. I don't think you have a great face. Well, I mean, I do, but not in that way. You're not ugly. It's just—"

"Shut up."

He said that as I was shoved against the window. One of his hands pinned my wrist to the cold glass, his arm against my throat, my free hand clinging to his sleeve.

I couldn't move. He was dangerously close, so much so that if I threw any punches or tried to kick, it wouldn't do much damage. And even so, I don't think my body would cooperate right now.

I felt my throat clench and my chest tighten. Heat raced to my feet as the rest of my body went cold, a shiver running down my spine. As I exhaled, my breath came out shaky. His dark eyes were angry but as my fingers tightened on his sleeve shakily, they softened a bit.

"What is it about you that everyone likes so much? That 𝘩𝘦 likes so much?" he snapped, his face growing closer to mine. I couldn't speak, I couldn't fight. I was so vulnerable. My eyes found light, spotted marks on his neck. They looked like burns. I glanced towards the end of the aisles.

Can somebody please help...?

"You're so boring, and weak, and—and, you don't even have anything special about you," he said, his eyes scanning my face. I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing myself to take a small breath. The hand around my wrist tightened and I whimpered.

Whimpered? He's right. You are weak.

"I don't understand and yet, he still invests in you like you matter. So tell me what's so goddamn special about you? Why are you better than me?"

"What?" I managed to choke out. What was he talking about?

𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘶𝘯? 𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺. I winced as a ringing cut through my ears. Was Blake talking still? What was he saying? Why did it matter?

I felt the sound in my veins and I could hear 𝘩𝘪𝘴 voice so clearly. But why in this situation? Why now?

𝘐 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘢 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳. I felt liquid run down my cheeks and I started fighting, kicking, and shoving Blake with my free hand. His grip on my wrist tightened painfully so and I stilled, the ringing dying out. I couldn't hear my wheezing breaths as I struggled to take in air.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked, his eyes no longer filled with anger, now confusion. He let go of me but now I wasn't ready to compensate for my weight so I just collapsed, my vision blacking for a second as I coughed.

I looked down at my wrist and the red fingerprints brought out the pink scar. My hands shook as I felt myself begin to hyperventilate. Shit, how do I even deal with this? Can I do anything? I've waited these things out before, I can do it again, right?

Blake knelt beside me. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked, reaching towards me. I smacked his hand away from me and pulled my other hand to my chest.

Such a fucking drama queen.

His face fell, his mouth hanging open. Tears filled his eyes and he shook his head, scooting away from me. "I—I didn't mean to. I'm sorry," he held his head in his hands, his eyes widening. "Oh god, I'm just like him." His voice was hoarse and panicked.

I took the first deep breath I could and leaned back against a bookshelf, relaxing. My eyes were on him and as he began to revel in what he'd done—or maybe it was what he was thinking, what he was going to do—I began to get a better grasp on my surroundings.

"I hate him but I'm just like him," he hissed, squeezing his eyes shut and holding his head like it was in immense pain. Who knows? Maybe it was.

"I'm fine," I said, my voice soft, like a whisper. But why was my chest tightening even more. My head was pounding but Blake was hurting, I had to do something. Why couldn't I do anything? Blake needed my help.

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱. 𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨.

I wanted to move but my limbs wouldn't cooperate. What was I even supposed to do? Why did I have to do anything? I kept telling myself that it doesn't matter, Blake attacked me, I shouldn't want to help him. But I still longed to help him. His eyes looked so broken, so hurt.

I must have done something to him. My presence must have hurt him in some way. He talked about someone investing in me. Could he be talking about Dallas? Did he have a thing for Dallas?

"𝘐𝘧 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯'𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘉𝘭𝘢𝘬𝘦, 𝘐 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘸."

Tairen had mentioned Blake getting him to go pick up Cedric and me at the gateway, which means they had some sort of relationship. Did I ruin that? Was that what he was talking about?

"What the hell is going on!?"

Dallas' voice was like a switch of some sort, for Blake and me, both. I began to cough, curling in on myself as I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"What is your goddamn problem, Blake!?" Dallas yelled. His voice was laced with a venom I hadn't heard before. I didn't know he could be angry. Blake seemed to realize this, too, because his eyes widened and his whole face was coated with fear. "Huh!? Answer me!"

"I—I didn't—I just—"

"I'm fine," I said, my coughing dying down. I could breathe again but I doubted that'd be possible were Dallas not here. "I'm fine, it's my fault. I provoked him."

"That's no excuse," Dallas said, his voice still sharp enough to make me flinch away from it. He looked down at me with an apology in his eyes. He turned back to Blake. "Explain yourself."

"Dallas!" I said, raising my voice just slightly. He looked down at me, his eyes softening, his entire expression softening. "I'm fine."

He sighed, closing his eyes. His lips moved, giving way to no words. Was he counting? He looked back up at Blake, much calmer. "You're banned from ability training for a week. You're lucky I'm not bringing this to Duke." He stood up as Blake nodded, his head dropping shamefully. Dallas extended a hand and I took it, allowing myself to depend on him when a wave of nausea hit me.

Once we were out in the hallway, a good distance from the library, Dallas spoke. "What happened back there?" he asked, his voice soft.

"I—well, he just—" I broke off. If I told Dallas what he'd said, that could expose Blake. I shouldn't have cared whether I exposed him or not but somehow, I did. "I guess I ruined something for him. It's not really my place to say what."

Dallas sighed, shaking his head. "You were in danger. You had a panic attack because of him but you still want to protect him?"

I gave a dry laugh. "I guess."

He laughed, throwing his arm over my shoulders. "You're such a pushover." I chuckled, offering no rebuttal. After all, it was true. "I don't know if you feel up to it, but Cedric got back. He said he'd come to talk to you but from what I hear, the King is back, too. If you'd want to go see him?"

I shook my head. It wasn't that I didn't feel like it. It's just—what was I even supposed to say? I wasn't even sure why I wanted to see him. Wait, how did Dallas know I wanted to see him?

I turned to him and laughed, reading my expression. "You're so obvious," he said, using the hand on my shoulder to ruffle my hair. "I don't understand why you'd want to see that prick but it's whatever."

"Yeah but I don't think I could just pop-in on the King," I said. Had I really been that obvious? I thought I was hiding it pretty well. I didn't even acknowledge that I wanted to see him, how did someone else decipher it before I did?

"I doubt he'd care if it's you," he said, squeezing my shoulder. "But only if you're up to it."

"I'll just wait," I said. I'd see him eventually but right now, I wasn't sure I'd be able to have a normal conversation with him. I wasn't entirely certain any of our conversations were actually normal. Dallas laughed.

"I understand the King and Duke, y'know?" he said, tilting his and meeting my eyes. "You're unlike anyone I've ever met and I know that makes me curious."