I woke up to the light turning on and if I'd had any dreams, I didn't remember them. I didn't want any more dreams anyway. The last one I'd had did some damage.
My hands tightened around the thin sheets, goosebumps running up my arms as I pulled them up to my chin, ignoring the light. It was fucking freezing in there. Were the windows open or something? It wasn't even autumn yet, how in the hell...Unless the seasons didn't work the same way they did in the real world.
"Ryker, are you awake?" I finally peeled my eyes open as I recognized Cedric's voice. As soon as the light registered, I flinched away, burying my face into the blanket with a groan. He laughed and then gently pulled the blanket from my face. He smiled softly as I glared at him. "Do you think you're ready to go back to the castle?" My eyes widened. I'd completely forgotten I wasn't in the castle. How could I forget something like that? Something as simple as where I was?
I sat up, rubbing my eyes. "I'm fine," I said, rolling my shoulders. I gave a small smile. "I think I'm good to go."
A look of surprise crossed his face for a moment before he smiled back, nodding. "Well, I'll have Finn bring in your clothes and once you're changed, we'll be ready to leave."
I nodded as he walked towards the door. He pulled it open, one foot already out when he stopped, his eyes on the floor, almost shameful.
"I'm glad you're okay," he said before leaving the room. I scrunched my eyebrows, looking down at my hands. He sounded so sad. Dallas had said that he blamed himself but I didn't know it affected him that much. He didn't show it how Tairenโ
I shook my head, forcing the thoughts out. I didn't want to think about him right now. I'd been so stupid before and I didn't want to deal with it right now.
I threw the bedsheets off and swung my legs over the side. My bare legs looked a lot musclier than they had the last time I'd seen them. I guess that was pretty good, especially considering I hadn't trained in three days. My finger traced around my knee and I began thinking about the moment right before I'd fallen asleep.
Cedric had said something about the process being a success. He must have been talking about the magic-injecting process. I couldn't help but wonder how they could tell whether it worked or not. Did that mean I had an ability now? I flipped my hands, gazing into my palms. I didn't feel any different. The dull ache I'd had before had faded almost completely but I couldn't help but wonder how I would fair standing up.
I slowly pulled myself to my feet, gripping the cot for support. I took a shaky step forward and then began stretching my legs just as the door clicked open and I looked up to see Finn. He smiled widely and walked into the room, placing a pile of clothes on the bed, bowing.
"Your belongs, sir," he said.
I titled my head, pursing my lips. "You don't have to call me sir, just call me Ryker." I felt the urge to ruffle his hair but suppressed it almost immediately as he straightened, a light blush dusting his cheeks.
"Um, yes, Ryker?" he said awkwardly and it ended up forming a question. I laughed lightly.
"That'll do," I said, picking up the clothes. He jumped, comically so, and then quickly excused himself. I wondered if he was normally this embarrassed. I couldn't remember much about him. I guess I hadn't paid much attention to him. Back in the group homes, there'd been plenty of kids younger than me that I'd loved like siblings, even knowing I wouldn't be there long. He reminded me of them.
The clothes he'd brought in were just a loose pair of black pants and a grey t-shirt that was a bit too big but comfortable. I carefully made the bed because I didn't have anything else to do as I waited. I didn't want to go wandering in a place I didn't know.
Thankfully, Cedric returned not too long after, carrying my pair of Adidas that I'd left in my room. He sat them in front of me, sitting on the empty chair as he did so.
"Thank you," I said before carefully slipping them on. My hands felt heavy so I just left them untied and straightened back up. Cedric was looking at me with a sad expression and I quickly looked away. I wish I could say something to make him stop blaming himself, or at least stop making me feel bad about it. I shook my head, standing. I was being selfish.
"Are you ready to go?" he asked, standing up with me. I nodded, leading the way out of the room. The atmosphere was too awkward for me but it didn't matter because it only became more awkward when I stopped outside of the door so he could lead us out.
It was silent as we left and he didn't even look at me. I wondered what he was thinking. I wondered how much he blamed himself and why. I understood that he blamed himself I just didn't see any reason he should. I made every decision along the way, from accepting his offer to come here, to going through the magic-injecting process. And not only that, but I knew the risks, even the incredibly rare ones. It was all my decision. Why couldn't anyone see that?
I wish I knew what to say.
I shivered. It was freezing.
Not a word was spoken the whole ride back to the castle. The only noise was the jostling of the carriage and the clopping of the horses' feet. And when we reached the castle, Cedric just exited silently, opening the door and waiting for me to get out.
He still hadn't looked at me, though. It was starting to really get to me.
Did he really think he was at fault? There's no way. Maybe he wasn't feeling guilty, but disappointed? Maybe he was disappointed in me because I wasn't strong enough to get through the process unharmed.
As we reached the castle doors, he stopped, turning to me and meeting my eyes for the first time. He was already quite a bit taller than me but with him being a few steps up, he looked like a giant. He took a deep breath, crossing his arms. I wanted to take a step away from him. The energy he was radiating was something I didn't recognize and it made me want to run.
But this was Cedric. He'd never do anything to hurt me.
"I held a meeting about you earlier. With the knights," he said as he let his hands fall. He sat down on the steps, now looking up at me. My eyes widened.
What's going on? Am IโAm I getting kicked out?
No. No, he said once I'm here, I can't go back. Then why does he sound so worried? Soโconflicted.
I felt my chest tighten but as my nails dug into my palms, the feeling faded. As the silence dragged on, I calmed down. Slowly, I realized I didn't care as much as my body was telling me I did. I guess if I got kicked out, I'd find Kenny, go back to college. Or maybe not. Why was I thinking that way? Before, I cared so much. I thought of Tairen and his empty eyes, so inviting. They reminded me of myself. Was that why I liked them so much? I felt tears spring to my eyes.
I guess I did care.
"We looked at your magic levels. We rank the magic on a scale of one to one-hundred," he said, clasping his hands. "There's only a certain amount of magic a human can handle. Most humans are born with a level of 1-10, although some either gain or are born with more, of about a level of 23-36. From there, a magic-injection can give someone more magic of up to 44-50. Any farther and they usually won't survive. However, there are rare cases. Like, Zeke, for example. His levels are at 54, giving him healing and at a magic level of a spirit-type monster. But the highest level of magic is 92-100. This gives someone or some๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ the ability to manipulate pure magic. Humans can't handle this type of magic. Monstrositiesโthe highest level of monstersโcan't even handle it." He looked down, his hands shaking. "I knew someone, my best friend. It was a long time ago before Tairen was born."
It was a lot to take in but I couldn't help but jot down him calling him Tairen. Not the 'Sire' or something. I slowly sat next to him, close enough that he felt my presence, but not enough to be uncomfortable. I just wanted him to know I was listening.
"He was the second person to go through the magic-injecting process. We hadn't gotten the hang of it. We didn't know what we were doing." He took a shaky breath, a tear running down his cheek and dripping off his chin. "His levels reached 94 and he died. It was a slow and painful death that lasted a year but he kept saying he'd make it, that when he did, he'd be more powerful than any creature alive. Because he would be able to manipulate pure magic. He'd be the first Mage." He sat up, wiping his tears and looking away. "Your levels were at 93 last time I checked, and it was gradually climbing."
He turned to me, a sad smile on his face. I heard a ringing in my ears and it drowned out everything, although Cedric just turned away, his smile contorting as he wrapped his hands around his head, so there was nothing I needed to hear anyway.
My levels were at 93 and climbing. So that was it. I was done for. All this effortโAll my decisions to become more than just a pawn in this twisted game were all meaningless because, in the end, I'd just be killed by something inside myself.
Why'd it have to end like this? I hadn't done anything yet. I hadn't proven anything yet.
"Who all knows?" I asked, forcing the noise from my head. I was surprised at how calm my words were.
"The doctor, me, and the knights," he said, squeezing his eyes shut. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, this is my fault. I should have known when I checked your levels in the beginning."
He clenched his jaw. I felt helpless. What was I supposed to do? Cedric had been there for me since I came here. He'd been there for me but I couldn't be there for him. ๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ธ๐ข๐ด ๐ ๐ด๐ถ๐ฑ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ด๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ?
"Iโcan you not tell anyone else?" I asked. My mind drifted to Tairen. That expression he'd had in his eyes earlier was something I didn't want to see again.
"The Sire won't hear it from me but you should tell him," he choked out through his tears.
๐๐ญ๐ฆ๐ข๐ด๐ฆ. ๐๐ญ๐ฆ๐ข๐ด๐ฆ ๐ด๐ต๐ฐ๐ฑ ๐ค๐ณ๐บ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ.
I closed my eyes, standing up. "We should go," I said, my head down. "Dallas is probably having an aneurysm." He laughed bitterly, standing up.
"You remind me so much of himโmy friend. He acted like it didn't matter. All he cared about was that other people weren't worried about him. He wanted to live because we wanted him to and sometimes I wonder if that was the only reason," he said and then walked into the castle.
The expression "๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ค๐ถ๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ด๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐ข ๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ช๐ง๐ฆ" was an understatement when we entered the dining room. Usually, it was filled with laughter and shenanigans but I guess that was all thanks to the knights. But TKG was awfully silent, throwing everyone else into disarray. The maid's table, along with Hailey, was filled with quiet, concerned whispers and when I met Hailey's eyes, she had a confused look on her face, tilting her head with a silent question. I gave her a reassuring smile but it didn't look like it did its job. The guard's table was worse, completely silent with only a few heads actually up, just to give each other odd looks.
Cedric left my side and walked to Hailey, bending down to whisper in her ear. She nodded and then stood up, following him out of the room.
I carefully grabbed a plate and filled it with food before awkwardly sitting beside Dallas. He smiled at me, his eyes still ringed with red. "Glad you're back," he said softly.
"Yeah, me too," I said, clearing my throat. "Hey, guys." I looked up at everyone but as my eyes met Kace's, his face contorted, dropping his fork and jumping to his feet. He walked away and the last glimpse of his face I got was streaked with tears. Jax gave me a sad smile.
"He'll be fine," he said. "It's good to have you back." He looked back at his plate but his food was untouched. I swallowed as Dallas gently elbowed me, his eyes averted.
"You should eat. You need all the strength you can get," he said softly.
"You're right."
"Well it doesn't matter anyway," Blake snapped but as I looked up, his face didn't match his words. He looked like he was in pain. "There's no way he can survive."
"Don't talk like that!" Dexter said, glaring. Zeke was silent, like always, but he did stop eating when Blake spoke.
"Well, it's the truth!" he said, snarling but it contorted, just like Kace's had, his eyes falling, along with his voice. "There's just no way."
"That's not true," Adrian said. "Zeke has higher magic levels and he's fine."
"Yeah but not ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต much higher!" Blake said, glaring. "Plus, Zeke is a lot stronger than him. He'll die, there's no wayโ"
"Shut up!" Dallas seethed and everyone looked up at him. "He's ๐ณ๐ช๐จ๐ฉ๐ต ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ. Stop talking like he isn't."
"Oh, sorry," Blake said sarcastically and then looked me in the eye. "There's no way you'll survive, you're just not strong enough." Dallas snapped his head up to him, his fist clenched.
"Youโ"
"He'll live," Zeke cut in and Dallas broke off, looking at him, surprised, as was everyone else. He stood up, taking his plate him. "He'll live because he is stronger than I amโstronger than all of us."
He then left, meeting my eyes and nodding as he did. The table fell silent once again. I knew there were other people in the room. I knew that this small group was insignificant compared to every person in the world but at that moment, we were the center of it and we just sat there, oblivious to it. I realized it didn't matter whether I was dying now or I'd die later, maybe a slow and painful death like Cedric had mentioned. But it didn't matter because we couldn't stay at the center forever. We just weren't that important.
"I'll prove you wrong, Blake," I said, smiling up at him. "I won't die. I promise."
His eyes widened but it slowly morphed into anger as he stood. "Don't make impossible promises. Not to me," he said and then glanced at Adrian as he walked around the table. Adrian stood up, following him. As Blake reached my side, he stopped, his voice dropping. "But you can make them to yourself. That's much more binding." He then left. Adrian softly clapped my shoulder as he followed.
Dexter cleared his throat, standing up. "Why don't you come by the training room tomorrow morning? We can work on weapon-combat if you'd like."
"Yeah, I'll stop by," I said and he nodded, clearing his throat again as he left, his face falling. Jax sighed.
"It's only been, what, two weeks? Only two weeks and everyone thinks of you like family. Duke thinks of you like a son," he bit his lip, turning his head away from me. "We're bound by more than our positions. We go into battle together, trusting each other, ๐ฑ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฆ๐ค๐ต๐ช๐ฏ๐จ each other. And not because we're expected to, but because we want to." He took a sharp breath, his jaw trembling. "We've never lost someone in The King's Guard. This is a family, we're not ๐ด๐ถ๐ฑ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ด๐ฆ๐ฅ to know how to handle losing someone in our family. But we're expected to because we're knights." He looked up at me, his eyes watering. "But pleaseโ๐ฑ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ข๐ด๐ฆ don't make us have to."
I swallowed down my tears. I didn't know they cared that much. Even Blake cared, in his own way. He's right. It's only been two weeks. How had it turned out like this? "IโI won't," I said.
He smiled, his eyes so sad it was painful. "This fucking sucks." He stood up, leaving the table. My eyes followed him as he left the room.
"I'll meet you in your room," Dallas said, standing and without a word, left. Now I was alone. I looked around the room. Everyone else was gone, too. The maids and guards had trickled out and now all that was left were empty plates.
I stood up, squeezing my eyes shut, my throat burning as tears slipped down my cheeks. ๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ข ๐ค๐ณ๐ถ๐ฆ๐ญ, ๐ง๐ถ๐ค๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ถ๐ฑ ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ญ๐ฅ. Was I really doomed to die? Was there really any point to begin with? I smiled but I didn't know why. All I knew was that I'd made a promise. I'd made a promise and I had to keep it.
I had to live. I couldn't die. Not yet.
I still had to find a purpose.
It was getting late, coming on ten o'clock. Dallas was probably in my room, making himself at home like usual. But I couldn't leave now. I'd been here for too long and I had a feeling he'd show. Although, I was nervous. The last time we talked, it didn't end very well. But did he even want to know my situation? How would he react? If I left now, I could make it back to my room without having to face him.
I sat up on the hammock, sighing. Cedric had said I should tell him. It was only fair. I should probably apologize, too. I'd been a dick earlier.
I heard the bookshelf move and my heart jumped. Why was I so nervous? I'd wanted to talk to him when he was gone so why was I so nervous now?
For each step he took on the ladder, my heart seemed to beat faster, my hands tightening around the cloth. As his golden hair became visible, I stopped breathing. I don't know what went through my head but I thought if I stayed completely still, maybe he wouldn't see me.
As he climbed up, his green eyes widening as he saw me, I mentally scolded myself.
๐๐ฆ'๐ด ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ข ๐จ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ข๐ฎ๐ฏ ๐-๐ณ๐ฆ๐น.
"Hi," I said, breathless. I looked down. ๐๐ถ๐ด๐ต ๐ฃ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ.
"Hey," Tairen said, sounding just as breathless. Or maybe that was just because he was so far away. He cleared his throat, stuffing his hands in his pockets and walking over to me. He stopped in front of me. "I didn't know you came here."
I looked up at him and almost sighed. His eyes were so quiet. That's how I would describe it. So silent. "Almost every day."
His eyes widened for a moment but then he relaxed. I expected a smirk but none came. I wondered why I wanted him to smirk.
"Cedric wants to talk with me and Dallas in a little bit," he said, moving to sit beside me on the hammock. I gripped the cloth to keep from falling into him. "I'm sure you can join us."
My eyes widened, looking up at him. ๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ'๐ด ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ด๐ฎ๐ช๐ณ๐ฌ. He looked away, the smirk fading just as quick as it'd appeared.
"I'm sorry," I blurted, my face heating up as soon as I did but I refused to look away as he turned back to me, raising an eyebrow. "I was out of line earlier and there's no excuse for it. So, I'm sorry." I immediately turned away as he titled his head.
He laughed lightly. "You don't have to apologize, it doesn't matter," he said, standing up. "It's my fault, really." He smiled brightly but that didn't matter. His eyes looked sad. He turned away. "I've gotta get going, you can come if you'd like."
He started walking away and I began to panic. I jumped up and before I knew it, I'd grabbed onto his sleeve. He stopped, raising an eyebrow at me. My eyes dropped, my face heating up as the grip on his sleeve tightened.
"IโI know you probably don't care butโ" I gulped. ๐๐ถ๐ด๐ต ๐ด๐ฑ๐ช๐ต ๐ช๐ต ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ต "โmy magic levels are at 93," I said and it felt like all the life had been sucked out of the room. I looked up at him and his eyes were wide, confused and angry and soโ๐ด๐ฐ very sad.
"Why wouldn't Iโ" he broke off, his eyes darkening as he looked down. "You're right. I don't care." He jerked his sleeve out of my hand and continued towards the exit, his fists clenched. I swallowed down the knot in my throat and followed him.
I clenched my chest. What was that ache?
We'd met in the council room. Cedric and Dallas were already there. The air tensed as soon as we entered the room. I wondered if it was always going to be like this. Would the life leave the room every time I entered? For as long as I was alive, I guessed. But would that be very long? A year, if I'm lucky.
"Welcome," Cedric said, nodding to me and Tairen. Dallas glanced at me before bowing to Tairen.
"Sir," he greeted.
"What's this about?" Tairen asked, getting straight to the point as he took a seat at the long table. We all followed suit, Cedric sitting to his left, Dallas to his right, and me beside Dallas.
"You were with the King?" Dallas whispered as Cedric began to roll out a large scroll.
"Yeah, we were in the garden," I said. He wiggled his eyebrows and I smiled as he turned to Cedric. At least he was getting back to his usual self.
"While I was away, in Croshaw," he said, nodding his head. "Valerie mentioned a rumor being spread. She said some of the monsters had mentioned an evil force heading towards Vrateldo. She hadn't heard much details and didn't ask but she said it might be worth looking into. At first I thought they were just rumors but when I returned to Vrateldo, I overheard a goblin talking about this evil force in the lower class housing. They kept it quiet and even seemed like they were using code words. I'm sure it wasn't meant to reach the castle but the fact that it's reached Vrateldo at all could prove a problem."
"Why? No one would dare attack the castle," Tairen said. "It'd be suicide."
I turned to Dallas and whispered, "Who's Valerie?"
He glanced at Tairen and then turned to me. "Valerie is Duke's ex." I raised my eyebrows and he nodded, turning his attention back the conversation.
"The civilians are beginning to lose faith in the castle. At this rate, they'll start to question their leader, and this ๐ฆ๐ท๐ช๐ญ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ๐ค๐ฆ they're talking about might just dare to attack the castle," Cedric said, leaning forward with a sigh. "The kingdom already doubts you enough, this could be a hit you can't recover from."
"I don't care if they doubt me," Tairen said. "I'm the King, I'm ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ช๐ณ King. They have no choice but to follow me. It doesn't matter whether they like me or not, they still have to follow me."
Cedric met Tairen's eyes for a moment and then looked away. "Permission to speak?" Dallas asked, turning to Tairen. I bit my lip as Tairen nodded to Dallas and then snuck a glance at me which only ended with our eyes meeting for a second. I had an overwhelming urge to laugh but quickly shoved it down. This wasn't the time. "What do you propose we do, Duke? With the rumors, I don't think it'd be smart to send out TKG right now."
"I agree," Cedric said, nodding. "But I do think we should send out a small team to execute a recon mission. It'll be strictly information gathering with a group of two, you being one of them, Dallas. Which brings me to why you're here. I want you to choose who you'll go with. I personally would choose Jax. He thinks fast and you two coordinate well."
"Iโ"
"Can I go?" I asked and everyone snapped their eyes to me. Dallas looked confused but also worried. Cedric was obviously concerned. They both knew about my current situation so I could see why. But Tairen looked absolutely furious.
He stood up, slamming his hands on the table. "What is wrong with you!?" he yelled. "Are you ๐ต๐ณ๐บ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ to speed up your death!?"