never saw anyone smile the way Desmond did. His genuine smile though; not his usual calculated one. When he smiled, for a moment, his whole face brightened up.
The sudden expression of happiness caught me off guard but I can swear my mind has developed a part called Desmond that whenever he does something, it just gives order without me even thinking about it. That's how I ended up smiling bashfully at him.
"You're very honest," Desmond said, gracefully. And though his smile turned to the calculated smile once again, he was still laying on my lap. "Though I do hope you were thinking good things about me."
I weighted my words before saying them. "There's nothing bad to think about." It sounded less… intimate when I said it in my head.
"One doesn't have to have a bad quality for others to think poorly of," Desmond answered. He suddenly made me think of my mother and the way she always tried to make everything a life lesson. Okay… that was a weird thought.
"Take the compliment, Desmond." I chuckled.
"Okay." He closed his eyes. His face looked calmer than when he was asleep.
I couldn't help it. Not really… I guess this is the Desmond part of my mind taking control over me and I started to caress his cheeks, trailing lines toward his forehead and then playing with his hair and coming back toward his pale cheeks again.
For a second, I started to panic for obvious reasons that I can't put into words but then Desmon opened his eyes for a moment and then closed them again. His breathing has turned deeper and more relaxed, just like when it changed in his sleep.
I wondered what will happen in the future. But then, I didn't end up in Sick City at such a young age for being careful and caring about my future. But this is Desmond. Sooner or later, he will finally meet all of the City's people and maybe then he realizes that there are better companions than me.
I can't not care. It just isn't possible when it's about Desmond. He's great. and when I say that, I mean it in every possible way. That is true. No human is perfect, I know that. But Desmond has enough goodness in him to be the closest that a human can get to perfection.
He's the art that I can't make.
"What?" Desmond said, throwing me out of my mind. He had this little smile on his face and I realized that I may or may not have said the last part out loud.
"Nothing." I know I was blushing but thanks to the color of my skin, it was less visible.
Desmond opened his mouth to say something but then his face turned to a pained expression that I only saw one time.
Desmond coughed. And I panicked. I quickly but also slowly made him sit up and rubbed his back. His hand went to cover his mouth and he wouldn't stop coughing. I didn't know what to do. There was nothing that I could do.
It didn't get as bad as the time that he was in the bathroom. His breathing turned normal after a minute and he stopped coughing without throwing up.
I didn't say anything. I didn't move my hands from his back. He didn't do anything either. We both just kept staring. Me at Desmond with growing concern and he with unreadable eyes staring at the distance.
I knew better than say anything. Desmond finally moved. He leaned toward my side with his head low and his face covered with his pale golden hair.
I didn't give myself time to overthink this as I quickly embraced his delicate figure. He was still trembling. Indeed, he's always calm, even if I don't know him that much. But at the end of the day, he's just a young boy with a sickness. And the cure is not in our hands.
"It's okay," I whispered. But of course, it's not okay. So, I continued, "It's okay to be scared."
"No." Desmond shook his head. He was clutching my shirt. I know he wanted to stop shaking but he couldn't. "A prince shall never get scared." His voice was also trembling. And somehow, I know when he said that he wasn't talking to me.
"It'll be okay, Des," I whispered again. It's funny how everything can change from perfect to disaster in just a second.
Desmond whimpered and pressed his face in my stomach. This Desmond… I never saw him and I was pretty sure I met all sides of him. He looked scared. Terrified.
I wanted to ask him why he looked like this. He didn't look this terrified earlier in the bathroom and the fit that he had there was worse. But I knew better than to say anything. So, I just sat there and rocked him back and forth.
He didn't cry. But he was close to. My mind kept searching for a way to calm him down. But I didn't find anything and just let him be.
He calmed down, after several minutes. Desmond slowly looked up and stared at me. He searched for something in my eyes and I guess he didn't find it. He let out this breath of pained laughter and slumped his head on my chest.
"Thank you." He spoke. "No one stayed with me after I recovered from another attack. They thought it would get to them." And that's when I realized that I'm seeing something that many people didn't have the privilege to see: Desmond without his guard.
Then I was filled with a rage that I never felt before. How dare they leave their prince in such a state! How can anyone not care for him? How is it truly possible for someone to not care for Desmond? How can someone leave another in such a state?
Desmond talked so I guess I can too. So, I said, "Why were you so afraid?" I winced as the words left my mouth. I can hear Madison's voice in my ear as she always said to me "You are very observant Elijah but maybe perhaps you should think of the words you want to say carefully before letting them out."
But Desmond suddenly laughed. This wasn't a super happy laugh but enough joy was in there for me to not worry about.
"Don't beat yourself up for talking." He gave me another of his little smiles that made me wonder how many sides of Desmond do I truly know. But right now, I know that he can have thousands of other sides and I will still love him. And all the other sides.
Then his smile faded as he continued to speak. And so did mine. And the quick simple joy that got formed between us seconds ago disappeared too.
"There used to be weeks between my fits. Then days. And now just hours… I assume?" His voice broke at the end. And so did my heart.
Queen Angela's voice kept ringing in my head. And I never truly realized the depth of truth of her words up until now.
Desmond looked up at me, his eyes ready to rain. And if I thought that his last sentence broke my heart, I was wrong. Because his next sentence…
"I don't have much time, Eli."
It wrecked me.