I can hear was the whispers of other people while staring at me "That's her, she's Dylan's girlfriend. I heard she's the daughter of Doctor Ferrer, the owner of the Ferrer Medical Hospital."
"She's the one who operated on Mrs. Johnson, apparently she's not like her parents. I thought she's a great surgeon." but then I realized... is it them that I am hearing? or is it my thoughts that are slowly eating me? or maybe it is the truth... the truth that I am not a good doctor. I quietly sat in the front where I can see Dylan on the balcony, standing and staring into the sky like he is waiting for God to bring back her mother.
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I faced so many deaths inside the operating room, but this surgery made me realize that maybe I am not good. Dylan's father sat down beside me, " Maisie, I know you share our loss and you're blaming yourself because you're the one who operated on my wife, but I want you to know that she told me before the surgery that if something happens to her..." he stopped for a while and wiped his tears, it's like seeing my father cry. It pains me, it kills me inside knowing that I cannot stop his pain, I was supposed to be the one to save her "I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry I couldn't save her." He held my hand and looked me in the eye like he can see my soul there " It is not your fault Maisie, she told me to tell you that just in case this will happen. We cannot control lives; we must learn how to accept that everyone will die in their own set of time." Tears kept falling as I look into the floor; I cannot even look at him in the eyes because of the guilt that I keep burying down my mind. He hugged me and kept saying comforting words, but then I gathered my strength to stand up and walk away. He kept calling my name but all I can hear was the thoughts that I have in my mind. The thoughts that slowly ate me and buried me deep inside my own self, the thoughts that change my scars.
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"You knew that I need you most of that time! You knew that and you still left me all alone! I never told you that it's your fault! I never blamed you? so why? why do you have to leave me when I was at my breaking point?" he shouted at me. I felt the pain in his words, I saw the pain reflected in his eyes. I tried to reach him, I tried to hold his hand, but he immediately steps back from me, I keep crying in front of him, I want to beg... I want to beg for his forgiveness, but I knew that I did it for myself also. " I'm sorry, I'm sorry for not being there for you when you needed me the most, I'm sorry that I did not even give you a proper explanation that time, I just pushed you because..." I stopped and held my sobs, I tried not to cry hard in front of him. I tried to stop myself from crying loud because I know that my pain was nothing compared to the pain he's feeling. I stepped forward to him and touch his face, I caressed him and wiped his tears, I know that whatever I say will never be enough to put an end to his sufferings for all those years. "I pushed you because I know that we will be toxic to each other, I know that there's a part of you that hates me. I saw it in your eyes, Dylan... like you're very disappointed in me, like every time you see me you just remember the death of your mother. I do not blame you, my love, I will never blame you for that, but I want you to know that after all these years I learned that I should not blame myself because I know I did my best for your mom, Dylan... I gave my all to that surgery and I want you to know that I still feel sorry for not saving her. I love your mom; I love your family and I love you the most... I'm sorry that I had to leave you..." I cannot continue what I am saying because of the lump in my throat, I kept on crying and holding his trembling hands... I do not know if he's trembling because he's angry or trembling because he's crying, I cannot look him in the eye. "Believe me, it was the hardest decision I've ever made, love... I was on the verge of taking your calls, but I was afraid that if I hear your voice just once, I will come back and run to you and we won't heal, we won't be where we are if I ran back..." I continued, but then he let go of my hands. "I want to achieve it all with you. I dreamed with you. I planned with you and then in a blink of an eye, you were gone. Do you know how hard that is for me?! You're my world! You're my everythi--"
"See? That's what is wrong with the both of us! We made each other our world! You made me your and everything and that's what I did too! Do you understand how hard it will be for us to heal?! To grow?! I do not want to be apart from you, but I saw it! I knew it! I knew that you won't take care of yourself at that time! You'll just take care of me because you feel like I am your responsibility. You're worried that I'll blame me too much! I love you my Ocean, that's why I left you. I chose to save you. You are the gem of my scars."