I try to say it several times,
I try gathering all my might,
But I couldn't make you say it,
And I couldn't force you to say it.
You were there by my side,
Like a wind bring in line,
But now you push me apart,
Leaving my self behind.
...
Before the nightmare began, Harald and I fought several times already. Either the smallest and tiniest matter of the biggest issues. We always stabbing each other tongue. Until it's getting worsen day by day after he began to know my feeling towards him. I never told him for sure, except in a teasing way. Maybe it was my facial expression and my behaviour around him that discover it. Yes, that who I really am. I cannot hide my own thoughts and feeling. Even though I want to do it so badly. But, it is always written all over my face and body. I remembered the first time I'm telling Harald that I love him. But I only take it as a joke at first. His face was shocked at the moment and I asked him for a reply. But he couldn't give me any answer and the only thing that came out of his mouth is "No, why should I?" with a slow voice and slightly heard a tone of embarrassment in his voice. Then luckily, I manage to twist it as a deceive that I made to tease him. How could I do that? I don't know either! It does embarrass me, but I still manage to do it and it's quite fun to tease him sometimes just to see that reaction of him.
Somehow, he starts to change after that. He starts to get furious at me unconditionally. The changed he showed made me puzzled and full of wonders of whys. As I remember, I began to notice him that way when the first time our club's field trip. The first time he yelled at me is on the night before, where we prepare everything we need. From foods to the necessities. With a joyful voice, while holding a plate of Coslow, I started the conversation with him. But, it turns out that was the first time he yelled at me, throwing a tantrum, made me frozen and speechless for a while.
Me: Do you want some Coslow? It's a waste if I throw it away.
Harald: No, can't you see I am busy right now!?
Me: It's fine if you don't want it. I give it to others. No need to yell at me like that.
As I said that, he just kept silence doing his work and Falcon Jeans came interrupting the scene after seeing what just happened between Harald and me. He actually around there doing his part.
Falcon: Wow, what a scene here.
Me: Mind your own business, Fox!
Falcon: Stop calling me Fox, you redhead!
Not even a word of replies, I just pass by Falcon with a bitter smile and gather with the others. After finished with the Coslow, I start doing another job that I find it needs of help.
Falcon is one of Harald's friends that kind of close to us. That made him a senior of course. He is a type that always sticking his nose in other business and much more annoying than Harald. With a simple look on him that have been completed with yellowish warm ivory skin, greenery wood hair and a pair of dark brown eyes do show his characters as a playboy. The reason I called him Fox is because he is the type of guy that loves to linger around girls. Pretty girls to be precise, and he sure is sly as a fox. I knew him alongside with Sapphire, Yulie and Lanna at our club's meeting. However, Lanna didn't join us. She joins rugby instead.
The field trip time is coming. At the moment, I am happy with my club's members and friends by my side. We had so much fun that day. The excitement is wordless and I began to know the club's members more, also become more friendly with them. The most favourable part is when I had to help my groupmate, that are both guys. Alex Franklyn and Aryan Yard. Alex is about my age, while Aryan is two years younger than me.
This scene happened when we ride the Banana Boat. I did not expect that we had a team's members that don't know how to swim. But luckily, we were provided with a safety jacket and they just panicking because of the deep sea. Unfortunately, it is a worst for Alex, because his safety jacket is broken, yet still manage to be used. At that time, I had to get a hold of them and help them get to the boat. I still remember Aryan's voice, asking me how can I walk in the water, while Alex on the other hand is getting pale because of the fright.
Aryan: Sis, how on earth you can walk in this situation?
Me: Just paddle your leg like you riding a bicycle, silly.
Aryan: Hey, Alex. Bro, she said we have to paddle like riding a bicycle to be able to walk in the water.
Aryan is the youngest among us, so we called him 'boy'. Yes, both of them, Alex and Aryan are just like a child that needs someone to carry them. But they still manage to go through the nightmare, while I stuck at the moment, losing my energy to climb up the boat. Luckily, there is this one guy, named Esmond Scarr with us, he is the one who helps me climb up that Banana Boat and we finish our speed journey.
Somehow, the happiness didn't last long. This is the second time I get yelled by Harald just because I asked one of the members my eyeglasses whereabout!
Me: Hey, Ian. Do you see my glasses?
Ian: What?
Me: My glasses, I gave it to you to hold it awhile ago.
Harald: Over there, just look at the table would you!? Use your eyes, not your mouth!
Harald sudden answer does give a shot in the heart. It tearing me apart. It was painful. Just what is wrong with this guy anyway? If you're that tired, then why should you punch at me? Am I a punching bag or something? I just kept silence, getting my eyeglasses and meet with the other teammates. My bad, I had seasickness. I like playing with the ocean. But I have this nausea every time I went back. I'm already uncomfortable that night, but Harald blocks my way when I want to get down from the bus. So, I just gave him a glance as a signal to stay away from me. Due to that, I am totally blackout after I vomiting a bit when I reached my room.
Day by day. It's already been months since then. Harald still the same with his strange attitude. Sometimes he is fine. But most of the time, he just getting mad out of nowhere. Until that one night, I had enough of him. He sends me away with a flea in my ears directly in front of the other members of our club just because I want to get a sip of Esmond's drink.
Harald: You're a lady, miss. Why should you share a drink with the gentlemen?
Me: So, what? I just mind my own business. As if you didn't use to drink the other ladies' drinks.
I replied cynically, he getting annoyed and start to stare at me with that 'uneasy to look at the eyes' of him. Like I am a slice of dead meat or something. I don't care anymore! Just what does he think he can do with that look? He always played with my heart and kept making me confused anyway! And here it is, the starting point where everything starts. Where the condition is already murky, becomes increasingly murky and may not be able to be cleared again. This is it, the moments it dropped me into the black hole, plunging me into the depths of the deep sea. It is the moments that made me trapped in my own world. The moment I didn't find a way out. A time when I often blamed myself. A time I'm struggling with all my might.