The next day, I ask Delisha to accompany me getting some fresh air at the town. We just had some sight seeing, looking for a place to fill our empty stomach. They called it as "food hunting" here. Sure, why not give it a try anyways? The human foods are the best after all! I can't go back to our hometown yet. So, this is the best I could do to get some "warm-hearted meal". The combination of spicy and cheesy food is the best for me at this time around!
You know what, sometimes I do found myself helpless, useless, and worthless at the same time just because of this small matter. I always end up become a burden to someone else. I am a burden to my family, I am also a burden to my friends, to everyone around me. I will always be a burden, I could never be like that helpful person. I don't even remember anymore what my purpose coming here! It's like my world would end sooner or later. It feels like I don't deserve to live anymore. But somehow, I have to come back to my sense! "They" always said that "the best for me might come someday". So, I guess that will conclude everything and anything about my life.
Family, friend, love, purpose, and future!
Me: hey, Lish! Mind knocking some sense for me?
Delisha: huh? What now you dumbass roasted tomato skewer?!
Me: hey, watch what your saying grilled ginger bread!
Delisha: what was that?! What even that mean?! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: AHAHAHAHAH! Okay Lish, that would be enough I guess. My abdomen almost cramped!
That burst of laughter really made my joyful tears came out! Yeah, I guess I still want to live my life to the fullest though. So far, I guess.
Me: Lish, mind if I say something?
Delisha: Just spill the tea already. No need to be all grumpy of a sudden.
Me: urmmm, nothing much really...
I looked at Delisha for a while, getting my strength to say something that she already know while she just waiting for my words.
Me: do you think...it is a good idea?
Delisha: Confessing your feeling toward Harald is it?
Me: yeah, something like that. I guess...
Delisha: you already talked with Audric about this right? So, just take what he said then.
Me: awww, don't be like that Lish. I'm asking you as a woman here.
Delisha: if you want to let go of that troublesome feeling that would be a burden to your own wellbeing. Then, just do as your heart tell you to do. The longer you keep it, the heavier you may feel. So, just let it go. What yours will meant to be yours anyway.
Me: do you think so? I'm not kindly have that confident with me though.
Delisha: you know what even more frustrating? It is when I have a "roasted tomato head" friend that ask me a question she already know the answer! Just do what you want to do! Sometime you have to follow your heart, you know!
Me: I always follow my heart, silly!
Delisha: then? Why do you have to use your brain in this matter? Urgh, you use it in a wrong place! Please, let me cry calmly with that attitude of yours!
Me: fine, let me take some breath okay? Oh, do I have to call him or send him a message? Which one would be better?
Delisha: you said earlier you don't have that confidence right? So, send him a message would probably enough. Make it short, not too long!
Me: alright, I get it already!
Delisha: I'm not actually trust you in this. But, just do as you want anyway. Although I already know how it will goes.
Me: what are you murmuring about ginger bread?
Delisha: nothing. Is "ginger bread" even an insult? Or it's like a nickname you suddenly picked?
Me: just consider it as your "roasted tomato skewer" thingy.
Delisha: so, it's an insult aaa?
Me: if you say so, then it probably a yes!
I know Delisha had enough arguing with me when she's just sighing hardly. As long as I know her for this past few months, that's how she is. She just a bit talkative than Audric and have those sharp tongue with her. It just consider as a luck if she's not cursing me. Yes, we would curse each other sometimes! Ahahahahah.
As we found our spot, I sat on a chair facing the glass that separated us from the town outside. I look at my phone, searching for Harald's number, and staring at the page for a while. With a relaxing breath, I just type what I want to sent to him, and I know that it will be kind of a long paragraph because I just can't set myself in a fully relaxed mode.
"Harald, actually I have something to tell you. Of course, I don't need your answer either because I already know what you might say. I just want to say this out loud just because I think it's a bit bothering me.
Okay, first thing first, all of this has nothing to do with the club. It's just that I hope this matter doesn't make you have any kind of awkward feeling with me and we can continue to stay as a friend like we used to. To be clear, I just need to talk about this because I don't want to be in a complicated situation during club's activities with you later, and I'm afraid my relationship with my friends might be also affected by this. So, I'd better be honest with you. I'm sure you know how I feel towards you. I don't know when, maybe from the beginning you already get the hint. But you pretend as if it nothing much to be bothered by it. Maybe that's why you treat me like that. Like I'm only an option that doesn't even worth your time and energy.
Yes, I do confessing my feeling now. I said that I like you okay! But you know what? I myself don't even know when and why this feeling even here at the first place! Maybe it's love at first sight or maybe it's when you met my father. Like I said, I don't know! Sometimes, I'm not even sure if this feeling is real or just an attachment that I produced. Maybe because you remind me of someone and you are the only person that I can lay a target when I want to run away from him. But I was wrong, and this mistake has bothered me and will ruin my relationship with the people around me. Yes, obviously that I'm jealous when you too close with Sapphire and Yulie! I hate that, and I despise it more that the idea we could quarrel just because of trivial things like this worries me.
I apologize if my actions seem like I'm selfish and of course, I am selfish because I can't afford to keep this feeling for too long now! It's enough once mistake like this, I don't want to encounter it again. I think this is the only time I have and the best way for me to say this. I may can't utter any words when I face you because I'm brave enough. So, I decided to just say it here and I want this matter to end here. So that we can do our job peacefully. I have to work with you for the next session. Maybe for a while, or maybe for a some time. So, this is enough. I'm too lazy to strain my brain even longer. Even though I'm jealous, I can't do anything because I know who I am. Why do I want to be so jealous? I can't force you to like me anyways.
My purpose here is not to entangle myself with this feelings of uncertainty. I've thought long enough before I made this decision and I don't want to destroy anything in the near future. So, that's it. At least I got rid of what I should have. I like you, that's right and I can't deny it. But you like another person, and that person is not me. Sure to be told, I can't avoid that although it is undeniable that I want to know who is that lady. But honestly, I don't think that I'm capable enough to accept that. I just hope after this we can still be friends as usual. I wont expect more, I just want you to know how I feel, that's all. Actually, I'm in a dangerous situation when I start liking someone that end with a bad relationship with the others. So, I don't want that to happens. So, all I want is this matter to end here.
Thank you for helping me in these 2 semesters and I hope after this it will be easier to deal with you. Especially about the club and I'm sorry because this message end with a long paraghraph".
With this long "letter" of message, I finally felt lighter. It's like all the burden get off from my shoulders although my hands are shaking and cold as ice. It really feel nice to say it out loud. Even only with words, not that sharp song of my voice. But it's not too long before Harald sudden reply. I really feel like I want to scream this time!
"I've already known for quite some time actually and I maybe treated you a little bad. Because I'm awkward and I don't want you to put a high hopes on me if I treat you well. But actually, I'm not treating you that badly right? Hoho! Just relax and be like as normal as usual. Forget the old mistakes okay?"
Yes, it sure is easier said than done. But, it is what it is. I have to let him go sooner or later. So, it is better to settled it as early as possible so it wont be any lingering feeling left behind. But, can I actually bear with that? I doubt myself for sure in this matter!
Delisha: Reya, are you done? So, how it feels?
Me: yup, I'm done and it felt great! Let's dig in the dish now!
Delisha: yeah, sure!
*income message notification*
Me: looks like I will eat pleanty for this few days. Ahahahaha!
Delisha: Why so?
Me: nothing much. It just my roommates ask me to join them for some pizza and fried chicken tomorrow.
Delisha: wow, it sound nice.
Me: do you want to tag along?
Delisha: no thanks. It's your roommates afterall. Go take some time with them okay? Be good!
Me: yeah, yeah. I know that already.
...